


The Official Officers Academy Group Chat

by Grumpy_Cupcake



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, More relationships to be added later - Freeform, everyone else is denial except for Edelgard and Dorothea, everyone is here i cant be bothered to tag everyone, formatting this will be a bitch, no betas we die like men, yet another chat fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 130,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21805597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grumpy_Cupcake/pseuds/Grumpy_Cupcake
Summary: [House Leaders Group Chat - 1:40pm]Professor Byleth:Welcome Edelgard, Dimitri, and Claude. I have been granted permission from Archbishop Rhea to allow the Officers Academy to have group chats to enable better communication between the students. Each of you is the admin of a separate group for your respective house, as well as the main group chat for all students in the Academy. Private communication and individual groups can be made, but within moderation. Admins can also change names, so please be sensible.Professor Byleth:Do not mess this up for me.
Relationships: Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert/Dedue Molinaro, Caspar von Bergliez/Linhardt von Hevring, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Claude von Riegan, Dorothea Arnault/Edelgard von Hresvelg, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra, Marianne von Edmund/Hilda Valentine Goneril
Comments: 1382
Kudos: 1664





	1. Panic of the Gay

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again!
> 
> This is something that I have been working on for some time, and I hope I've done it justice. This is the first time writing something that involves all the characters, so I hope no one is too OOC. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:01pm]**  
>    
> **Emperor Edelgard** : Hello, everyone. I see everyone is crowded around the tea gardens. Is something happening that I am not aware of?
> 
>  **delicate flower** : ooh, your highness! we’re spying on claude having a tea party with dimitri.
> 
>  **delicate flower** : and by “we”, i mean the rest of the golden deer and blue lions

**[House Leaders Group Chat - 1:40pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Welcome Edelgard, Dimitri, and Claude. I have been granted permission from Archbishop Rhea to allow the Officers Academy to have group chats to enable better communication between the students. Each of you is the admin of a separate group for your respective house, as well as the main group chat for all students in the Academy. Private communication and individual groups can be made, but within moderation. Admins can also change names, so please be sensible.

**Professor Byleth** : Do not mess this up for me.

**Edelgard von Hresvelg** : Of course I won’t, my teacher. I swear that I will use this for the benefit of the Officers Academy. Unlike a certain someone we all know.

**Claude von Riegan** : i have no idea what you’re talking about, princess.

**Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd** : Of course not, Claude. We can surely trust you.

**Claude von Riegan** : course you can, bby ;)

**Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd** : ?!

**Edelgard von Hresvelg** : Professor, we won’t let you down. Now, I suppose us three house leaders should talk to our houses. No doubt they’ll want to familiarise themselves with the format so we can use it effectively and sensibly in the future. You hear that, Claude. Effectively, and sensibly.

**Claude von Riegan** : ouch, don’t call me out like that, princess :< i have feelings too, you know

**Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd** : Don’t worry, Edelgard, I will ensure that Claude doesn’t misuse anything.

**Edelgard von Hresvelg** : Thank you, Dimitri. It is comforting to know that I can at least trust of one you.

**Claude von Riegan** : love you too, princess x

*

**[Golden Deer Group Chat – 1:45pm]**

**_Professor Byleth has entered the chat_ **

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, Golden Deer students. This is a special group chat for you to communicate with each other. Claude has admin rights, so if there are any problems, bring them up with him. Have fun :)

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester:** Professor, I beg of you, please do not give Claude admin rights. He will misuse them at the first opportunity.

**Professor Byleth** : I trust Claude, but if he abuses his power, do not be afraid to bring it up at the next House Meeting.

**_Professor Byleth has left the chat_ **

**_Claude von Riegan changed his name to memelord_ **

**_memelord changed Golden Deer Group Chat to house of memes_ **

**memelord** : so, my lovely golden deer. the professor isn’t here, we can do what we want ;) And first things first, name changes!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Oh, Gods no... 

**memelord** : ladies first ;)

**_memelord changed Hilda Valentine Goneril’s name to delicate flower_ **

**delicate flower** : thnx bby <3

**_memelord changed Lysithea von Ordelia’s name to i wont hesitate, b*tch_ **

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : why?

**memelord** : because you are small and angery, and you won’t hesitate to end a life, b*tch.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : fair.

**Raphael Kirsten** : Yeah, you’re like everyone’s little sister :D

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : ...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : ill let you off this one time

**Raphael Kirsten** : D:

**Ignatz Victor** : What about Leonie and Marianne?? :o

**_memelord changed Leonie Pinelli’s name to Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice_ **

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I’ll take it! I was expecting much worse. Especially coming from you.

**_memelord changed Marianne von Edmund’s name to Marianne <3_ **

**Marianne <3**: oh... thank you...

**delicate flower** : aww, that’s so sweet :3

**memelord** : i’m not an animal

**memelord** : now, onto the gentlemen, myself excluded

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Oh, so you’re a lady now, are you?

**delicate flower** : claude is best girl confirmed

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : correction. marianne is best girl.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Yes, she is. She helped me out when I sprained my wrist during training last week.

**Marianne <3**: oh... ii... im... thank you.... but im really not.

**memelord** : sure you are

**memelord** : anyway,,,

**_memelord changed Raphael Kirsten’s name to Beefy Boi_ **

**_memelord changed Ignatz Victor’s name to paint a fluffy little cloud_ **

**Beefy Boi** : nice :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : oh, okay. i like it :)

**memelord** : Lorenz. Your turn :D

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Claude. Claude, listen. I know we have had our disagreements over the past few months, and I have shown clear distain over you being the heir to the Leicester Alliance instead of yours truly. But please, I am begging you now, do not give me a ridiculous name.

**memelord** : say “claude von riegan is da bomb”, and i’ll go easy on you.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I... Ugh, fine.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Claude von Riegan is da bomb.

**delicate flower** : *whip noises* boy got you well behaved

**memelord** : thank you :D

**_memelord changed Lorenz Hellman Gloucester’s name to Lorenz_ **

**memelord** : dont say i dont do anything for you ;)

**Lorenz** : Oh thank the Goddess. Thank you, Claude. I see you have chosen to be responsible for once.

*

**_[private message from memelord to delicate flower – 1:54pm]_ **

**memelord** : i was legit going to call him Hellman’s Mayonnaise

**delicate flower** : LMAO

**memelord** : look after the group chat for me. got a tea party with the fresh prince of faerghus to attend

**delicate flower** : have fun ;)

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 1:46pm]**

**_Professor Byleth has entered the chat_ **

**Professor Byleth** : Welcome, Blue Lions, to your own private group chat. This is for you to communicate with each other. Dimitri has admin rights, so if there any issues, bring them up with him. I doubt His Highness will misuse his admin rights, but bring it up in the next House Meeting if he does. Have fun!

**_Professor Byleth has left the chat_ **

**Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd** : Well, hello everyone. I trust we can all have fun and enjoy ourselves here. I was thinking that we each choose a nickname, just so we can be a bit more friendly and relaxed. We are all students here, after all. And I can change the group chat name, if you’d like???

**Annette Fantine Dominic** : Oohh, sounds fun!

**Mercedes von Martritz** : Okay!! :) Do we tell you our names and then you change them?

**Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd** : That’s the idea, yes. I’ll go first.

**_Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd changed his name to Fresh Prince of Faerghus_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : It’s what Claude calls me.

**Felix Hugo Fraldarius** : ugh, do you everything claude tells you to do?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Of course not. It’s just his nickname for me, so I’m using it.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Anyway, submit your names so I change them all. And we need to decide on if we want to rename our group chat.

**Annette Fantine Dominic** : I’d like Annie, please :3

**Mercedes von Martritz** : I’ll go with Mercie :D

**Ashe Ubert** : Ashe is fine for me, Your Highness :)

**Sylvain Jose Gautier** : Come on, you guyssss! Live a little! Your Highness, please change my name to sylvain eyyy ;) (winky face included ;))

**Felix Hugo Fraldarius** : this is so stupid. just felix is fine for me. no capitals.

**Dedue Molinaro** : My name is alright as it is, but you change it how you see fit, Your Highness.

**Ingrid Brandl Galatea** : Normally I would just ask to be Ingrid, but seeing as His Highness has given himself a unique name, I suppose I should as well. Pegasus Knight 1180, if you please.

**Sylvain Jose Gautier** : wow, so original

**Ingrid Brandl Galatea** : Sylvain, unless you keep quiet, the next time you get into trouble over your skirt chasing, I won’t be there to bail you out.

**Sylvain Jose Gautier** : sorry :(

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Hold on, I’m just writing down everyone's names. Here we go!

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus changed Annette Fantine Dominic’s name to Annie_ **

****

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus changed Mercedes von Martritz’s name to Mercie_ **

****

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus changed Ashe Ubert’s name to Ashe_ **

****

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus changed Sylvain Jose Gautier’s name to sylvain eyyy ;)_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Ugh, that was painful to type.

****

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus changed Felix Hugo Fraldarius’s name to felix_ **

****

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus changed Dedue Molinaro’s name to Dedue_ **

****

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus changed Ingrid Brandl Galatea’s name to Pegasus Knight 1180_ **

**Annie** : Yay!

**Mercie** : Thank you, Your Highness :D

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : May I suggest a new name for our group?

**felix** : no

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : baby don’t hurt me :(

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : don’t hurt me

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : no more

**_[sylvain eyyy ;) posted a link:_ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEXWRTEbj1I_** **_]_ **

**Ashe** : Oh, so that’s what Claude was singing around His Highness :O

**Annie** : It makes sense now!

**felix** : great, now this damn song will be stuck in my head

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Your Highness, how about keeping the group name as it is for now.

**Dedue** : Agreed.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Very well. We can leave it for later. For now, I’m off to have tea with Claude. The weather is nice today :). I’ll see you all later.

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus is offline_ **

**felix** : do you think he’ll ever realise his feelings.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Not unless we help him, I’m afraid.

*

**[Black Eagles Group Chat – 1:47pm]**

**_Professor Byleth has entered the chat_ **

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, Black Eagles. This is your private group chat for you to communicate with each other. Edelgard has admin privileges, and I am certain she will not misuse them. Any problems, bring them up with her or in the next House Meeting. Have fun!

**_Professor Byleth has left the chat_ **

**Edelgard von Hresvelg** : Hello, everyone. Even though I am the admin, I really do not want to use my powers to mute or ban anyone. We are all members of the Black Eagles, and it would not do well for us to misbehave. I do want us all to get along.

**Dorothea Arnault** : You said it, Edie! Ooh, shall we do nicknames? :D

**Petra Macneary** : What is this nickname you speak of? How will I be getting one?

**Dorothea Arnault** : It’s an affectionate name for someone you like. I think it’ll be a great idea!

**Edelgard von Hresvelg** : Very well. I suppose it’ll be a bit fun to have unique names for everyone, if only to help us become more friendly with each other. I will write a list of everyone’s name down so we know who is who.

**_Edelgard von Hresvelg changed Black Eagle Group Chat to The Black Eagle Squad_ **

**_Edelgard von Hresvelg changed her name to Emperor Edelgard_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : I will be asking each of you in turn what you want your name to be. Be reasonable, please. Dorothea?

**Dorothea Arnault** : Diva Queen, please :D

**_Emperor Edelgard changed Dorothea Arnault’s name to Diva Queen._ **

**Diva Queen** : Thanks, sweetie <3

**Emperor Edelgard** : No problem, babe xx

**Emperor Edelgard** : Petra?

**Petra Macneary** : Oh, I will be having the name of Brigid Pride, if I may.

**Emperor Edelgard** : You may, Petra.

**_Emperor Edelgard changed Petra Macneary’s name to Brigid Pride_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Bernadetta?

**Bernadetta von Varley** : gahhhhh! what did i do?!?!?!? i’m sorrrrryyyyyy!!! please dont killllll meeeeeee

**Emperor Edelgard** : Bernie is it, then.

**_Emperor Edelgard changed Bernadetta von Varley’s name to Bernie_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hubert?

**Hubert von Vestra** : My name is perfectly fine as it is, Lady Edelgard. No need to change it.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Of course. Ferdinand, I assume you off the same mindset? Or should I put “I am” in front, seeing as you are so fond of saying your own name?

**Ferdinand von Aegir** : Lady Edelgard, you wound me with your baseless accusations!

**Ferdinand von Aegir** : But yes please.

**_Emperor Edelgard changed Ferdinand von Aegir’s name to I am Ferdinand von Aegir_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : That just leaves Caspar and Linhardt. Linhardt will be too busy napping, so his name can just be Linhardt. Caspar, dare I ask what you want your name to be...

**Caspar von Bergliez** : Hey, I can be sensible when I want to be! Just Caspar is fine for now, because I can’t think of anything better.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Very well.

**_Emperor Edelgard changed Linhardt von Hevring’s name to Linhardt_ **

**_Emperor Edelgard changed Caspar von Bergliez’s name to Caspar_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Now that that’s out of the way, I suppose we should all meet up in the main group chat. Professor Byleth set it up for us, so I guess we should go ahead and use it. I’ll also set up a private group for the girls, and suggest that either Claude or Dimitri do the same for the boys. Hubert, if that happens, please don’t kill them.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I shall restrain myself, Lady Edelgard.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:01pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hello, everyone. I see everyone is crowded around the tea gardens. Is something happening that I am not aware of?

**delicate flower** : ooh, your highness! we’re spying on claude having a tea party with dimitri.

**delicate flower** : and by “we”, i mean the rest of the golden deer and blue lions

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : They are being so sickeningly cute, it’s unbearable.

**Lorenz** : Indeed. I didn't think such an expression would be possible on Claude's face.

**Mercie** : I find it to be incredibly sweet :3

**Annie** : I know! It’s so rare to see His Highness smiling and being happy!

**felix** : why dont they just make a move already?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : because they share a single brain cell, and they’ve lost it

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : and they’ve yet to recover it

**Lorenz** : Obviously someone else is holding it for them

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : It's me, as it often tends to be in these scenarios

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ah, I see. I assume they are having fun?

**delicate flower** : marianne and I are sitting close enough to eavesdrop, so we can hear what they are saying.

**Marianne <3**: His Highness was just saying how nice it is to be with good company. He seems really happy :)

**Mercie** : What else are they saying???

**Ashe** : yes, please tell us!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Spill the tea, queens.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : That is how you say it, right?

**Diva Queen** : you’re doing great, ferdie.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You are being nice to me, Dorothea?! What a pleasant surprise :D

**Hubert von Vestra** : As much I loathe to engage in this tedious topic, I find myself drawn in. So, as they say, spill the tea.

**Diva Queen** : HUBERT WTF?!?!?

**Caspar** : who are you and what have you done with the real hubert?

**delicate flower** : GUYS SHUSH

**_[delicate flower posted a link: gays_in_denial.mov]_ **

**delicate flower** : COULD THEY PINE ANY HARDER

**Brigid Pride** : What is this “pine” you speak off? Like the tree? I am not seeing the connection between them and a tree.

**Diva Queen** : It’s a saying, sweetie. It means when you want something a lot

**Brigid Pride** : I see. So they are pine for each other??

**Dive Queen** : It’s “pining”, but yes, they are

**Linhardt** : please stop this, im trying to sleep

**Emperor Edelgard** : Linhardt, it’s half past two in the afternoon.

**Linhardt** : and?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Anyway, it’s nice to see His Highness being so calmed and relaxed!

**Annie** : Yes it is!

**Mercie** : :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : it is certainly a nice sight to see :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : Indeed. Though I can’t help but notice that Claude is now scrolling through his phone.

**memelord** : you do realise that i haven’t logged out and i can read all your messages, right?

**delicate flower** : SHIT

**delicate flower** : ABORT MISSION

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : ABORT!! ABORT!!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : EVERY MAN AND WOMAN FOR THEMSELVES

**Diva Queen** : IT’S ALL OVER FOR US

**Marianne <3**: hilda, wait!!!!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Amateurs.

**memelord** : honestly, trying to get some alone time round here is such a hassle.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Don’t worry, Claude, I’m heading back to the Black Eagle Classroom. I’ll let you finish up your party in peace.

**memelord** : cheers, princess <3 youre the best!

**Emperor Edelgard** : ...

**Emperor Edelgard** : <3

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:13pm]**

**memelord** : can someone come to my room? i was showing off some poison powder i made and managed to kill dimitri oh gods wtf.

**felix** : im sorry

**felix** : you did what?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : yeah wtf?

**Annie** : :O

**Mercie** : :O:O:O

**Ashe** : :O!

**memelord:** i told him not to breathe it in as it’s works by inhalation. only for him to inhale some it of it anyway i’ve killed the future king of faerghus!!! D:

**felix** : what the hell was he even doing in your room anyway?

**memelord** : after you all rudely interrupted our tea party, i wanted somewhere private so we wouldn’t be spied on, and i showed him the powder i’ve been working on and he breathed it in and collapsed on the floor D:

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : claude are you really that stupid?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : CLAUDE VON RIEGAN! IS HIS HIGHNESS STILL BREATHING?!?!

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : CLAUDE, I BEG OF YOU

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : PLEASE TELL ME YOU CAUGHT IT ON CAMERA

**memelord** : NO I DID NOT PLS SEND HELP

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : DAMMIT

**Beefy Boi** : on my way!

**Dedue** : If you have killed His Highness…

**memelord** : IT WAS AN ACCIDENT D: 

**felix** : what a fucking moron

**memelord** : HELP ME D:

**delicate flower** : CLAUDE WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!

**memelord** : HILDA I’VE KILLED DIMITRI WITH MY POISON POWDER

**delicate flower** : …

**delicate flower** : YOU DID WHAT?

**delicate flower** : YOU MORON!

**Beefy Boi** : taking him to the infirmary right now!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I would like to extend an invitation for all members of the Blue Lions and Golden Deer for them to join the Black Eagles. We are always welcoming new members, and are led by someone who is mature and dependable.

**Hubert von Vestra** : We have cookies.

**Hubert von Vestra** : And cake.

**Hubert von Vestra** : And the souls of the innocents.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : where do i sign up?

**felix** : yes, when can i join

**Beefy Boi** : it’s alright! he’s still alive!

**Mercie** : On my way to help out!

**Marianne <3**: ohh! i’ll help too!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Don’t expect Linhardt to help out, I’m afraid. I heard loud snoring coming from his bedroom.

**Brigid Pride** : Ah, I am getting it now! His Highness was in Claude’s room because the two of are having the pining, and want to be closer. And now Claude is panicking. He is having the panic of the gay, is he not???

**Brigid Pride** : Hello???

**Brigid Pride** : Is it something I am saying????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I ever form a band, I shall name is Panic of the Gay. 
> 
> Because that is the story of my life.


	2. The Brotherhood of Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sylvain eyyy ;)** : claude, hilda, and myself have formed a group called the brotherhood of chaos. because we’re the most chaotic bitches in this school.
> 
>  **Diva Queen** : of course you have.
> 
>  **Hubert von Vestra** : This does not surprise me at all.
> 
>  **I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : How does one join this Brotherhood of Chaos? I cannot help but notice that there is a lack of Black Eagles in your little group.
> 
>  **delicate flower** : youre right.
> 
>  **delicate flower** : hubert, want in on our group?
> 
>  **Hubert von Vestra** : Sure.
> 
>  **I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if I've messed up the formatting. I edited as I was getting ready for work D:

_**[private message from Brigid Pride to Diva Queen – 4:11pm]** _

**Brigid Pride** : I have apologises for saying that Claude is having a panic of the gay. I assume that it is a bad thing to say?

**Diva Queen** : no, sweetie, it wasn’t. because it is very much true.

**Diva Queen** : but for future reference, it’s “gay panic”.

**Brigid Pride** : Alright, I will be remembering that :) You have my thanks :)

*

**[house of memes – 4:26pm]**

**delicate flower** : Marianne, any news?

**Marianne <3**: im afraid not. his highness is still asleep. im sorry for not being able to do more...

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Don’t be like that, Marianne! It’s not your fault Claude decided to poison the Crown Prince of Faerghus.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I don’t think Claude meant to do it :o

**Beefy Boi** : Yeah! When I went to carry His Highness to the infirmary, Claude was really panicking D:

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i highly doubt he meant to do it on purpose. sounds like he was just so excited to show off what he’d been working on to the boy he likes.

**Lorenz** : That’s all well and good, but we cannot escape the fact that Claude managed to poison the future King of Faerghus. This never would have happened were I the heir to the Leicester Alliance, and indeed, the head of the Golden Deer house.

**_memelord changed Lorenz’s name to Hellman’s Mayonnaise_ **

**memelord** : im still logged on, you know.

**memelord** : i see all

**memelord** : i hear all.

**delicate flower** : LMAO

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : lorenz’s wig has been snatched

**Hellman’s Mayonnaise** : Claude, please change my name back. Please, I take back all I said before. You are an excellent leader and we would be lost without you.

**memelord** : no

**Hellman’s Mayonnaise** : Claude, why?!?!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Claude, now that you’re here, mind telling us what you were doing?!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Yeah, tell us!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Please?

**memelord** : so after mine and dimitri’s little tea party was ruined, we went to my room for some privacy. whilst we were there, i showed him the special powder id been working on, meant to knock people out. i told him not to breathe it in, and he did anyway.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : How come you didn’t get knocked out?

**memelord** : built an immunity to it. tested it on myself so many times that it doesn’t affect me.

**Marianne <3**: oh! you shouldn’t do that to yourself...

**delicate flower** : yeah! that’s pretty stupid.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : maybe we should be led by mayo man instead.

**Beefy Boi** : Mayo Man!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I admit, that’s pretty funny :)

**memelord** : lysithea, you are a genius.

**_memelord changed Hellman’s Mayonnaise's name to Mayo Man_ **

**Mayo Man** : CAN YOU PLEASE STOP CHANGING MY NAME AROUND!!

_**Mayo Man is offline** _

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 4:45pm]**

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Mercedes, any sign of His Highness waking up?

**Mercie** : I’m afraid not :( He’s still very much unconscious. But he is breathing! It’s like he’s in a deep slumber right now.

**Dedue** : Whenever His Highness shows a sign of recovering, will you let us know?

**Mercie** : Of course :)

**Ashe** : How’s Claude?

**Mercie** : He’s alright, all things considered. He’s been really useful in identifying the type of mushroom used to create the powder. I think he feels really guilty about this :(

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : As well he should be.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : he did admit that it was an accident, though? maybe if we hadn’t spied on him he wouldn’t have been forced to move to his room...

**felix** : you think?

**Annie** : I’ll go back some treats for them :3 Let Claude know that we don’t blame him for this.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : That most of us don’t blame him...

**Annie** : WE LET CLAUDE KNOW THAT WE DON’T BLAME HIM, RIGHT INGRID?!?!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : ...

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Fine. Let him know that we don’t blame him for what was an accident.

**Annie** : Will do :3

**Dedue** : I will go pick some flowers for His Highness.

**Ashe** : Ooooh, I’ll come to! We can make a nice arrangement for him!

**felix** : if anyone needs me, ill be in the training grounds.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : felix, come on, don’t you want to go visit your childhood bestie?

**felix** : fuck off.

**Annie** : Felix, let me rephrase what Sylvain’s just said: you WILL visit His Highness or I will kill you :3

**felix** : fine

**Annie** : Excellent! :D

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 5:09pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Mercedes and Marianne have informed me that Dimitri is still out for the count. They’ve also told me that Claude filled them in on the details about the powder: it’s a rare mushroom that grows near the border of Almyra, and has been used to put someone to sleep should they require surgery. He managed to grind it down to powder form and plans on using it near enemy camps as a way to avoid fighting. He’s tested it on himself, and the effects last anywhere between six hours and twelve hours, depending on how much was breathed in and the health of the individual.

**Hubert von Vestra** : His Highness is in peak health, so I assume the effects won’t last very long?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Correct, and he only breathed a small amount in, according to Claude. Which means he should be awake before midnight.

**Caspar** : man, he’s probably going to be exhausted anyway!

**Bernie** : ii...i... what should we doo???

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : There isn’t anything we can do, right? Not until His Highness has woken up.

**Linhardt** : Correct.

**Diva Queen** : Do you think Claude needs some company? I can only imagine that he blames himself for this accident...

**Emperor Edelgard** : I will go see him. I do have some questions for him, anyway. Mainly about why in the name of Sothis he thought it was a good idea to test the powder on himself?!

**Hubert von Vestra** : As much of an imbecile he is, I do have to admire his... Methods.

**Caspar** : rare praise from hubie!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Call me that again and I will disintegrate your body until not even the dust remains.

**Casper** : D:

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Now, now, Hubie. We talked about this. No casual threats of murder to our classmates.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Yes, we did. And I am choosing to ignore it.

**Caspar** : hey! how come he gets to call you hubie and i dont???

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Special privileges.

**Diva Queen** : *gay privileges

**Hubert von Vestra** : ...

**Emperor Edelgard** : ANYWAY! I want to address everyone in the Blue Lions and Golden Deer, so how about we move onto the main chat now, right? Right.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:30pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hello, everyone. I would like to draw attention to the events leading up to the accident that by now, the whole school knows about. Namely, everyone spying on Claude and Dimitri.

**Emperor Edelgard** : As fascinating as it must be to watch two oblivious idiots dance around their feelings, we still cannot hide from the feeling that this all stemmed from everyone spying on them.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : IT WAS HILDA’S IDEA!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : her exact words were “lets go spy on claude, it’ll be hilarious lmao”

**delicate flower** : don’t appreciate you calling me out like this :< what happened to the brotherhood of chaos?!

**Bernie** : brotherhood of chaos? oh no, youre coming for me, arent you???? I DIDNT DO ANYTHING, I SWEAR!!!!

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : sorry, hilda, but whilst claude is away, the brotherhood of chaos is disbanded. 

**Linhardt** : I’m sorry, but what is the brotherhood of chaos?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Yes, Sylvain, tell us.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : claude, hilda, and myself have formed a group called the brotherhood of chaos. because we’re the most chaotic bitches in this school.

**Diva Queen** : of course you have.

**Hubert von Vestra** : This does not surprise me at all.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : How does one join this Brotherhood of Chaos? I cannot help but notice that there is a lack of Black Eagles in your little group.

**delicate flower** : youre right.

**delicate flower** : hubert, want in on our group?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Sure.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : :(

**Beefy Boi** : What about me???

**delicate flower** : raph, you’re always welcome :D

**Beefy Boi** : :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : Getting back onto the topic at hand, do you not think that spying is an invasion of privacy? Hilda, how would you like it if someone watched you and Marianne having tea together?

**delicate flower** : iiii HOW DID YOU KNOW?!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : because you told everyone you and Marianne were having tea together whilst eavesdropping on claude.

**delicate flower** : IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING!!!

**Marianne <3**: ooh... im sorry...

**delicate flower** : nonono, marianne! i do like you! youre a dear friend of mine!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : 10/10 smooth recovery

**Emperor Edelgard** : Sylvain, same with you and Felix.

**felix** : i want nothing to do with him

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : babe, you wound me

**felix** : die

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You two should be ashamed! You are nobles and should act accordingly!

**Caspar** : says the guy who begged to be in the brotherhood of chaos

**Emperor Edelgard** : I also noticed, Ferdinand, that your desk has three bags of coffee beans imported from Dagda. We all know you hate coffee as it gives you intense headaches. So what were you doing with it in your desk?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Lady Edelgard! Why would you go through my desk???

**Emperor Edelgard** : I saw you stuff them in.

**Diva Queen** : Hiding something, ferdie?

**Linhardt** : Yes, there is only one person we know who really likes coffee.

**_memelord has changed I am Ferdinand von Aegir’s name to Coffee Sniffer_ **

**Coffee Sniffer** : WHO GAVE CLAUDE ADMINS RIGHTS?!?!

**memelord** : teach did >:D

**memelord** : still waiting on dima to wake up, so ive got to do something to pass the time

**Coffee Sniffer** : Lady Edelgard, I beg you to change my name back

**Emperor Edelgard** : Alright, but not before getting a screenshot of this.

**Emperor Edelgard** : For blackmail purposes.

**_Emperor Edelgard changed Coffee Sniffer’s name to Ferdilicious_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : That’s for you, Claude.

**memelord** : !!

**memelord** : <3 <3

**_Mayo Man is online_ **

**Mayo Man** : Lady Edelgard, may I humble request for you to change my name as well, seeing as Claude wouldn’t?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Who are you?

**Mayo Man** : It is I, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester!

**_Emperor Edelgard changed Mayo Man’s name to It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester_ **

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Not quite what I was after, but I will take it, I suppose.

**Diva Queen** : Edie is KILLING it today :D Love you!

**Ferdilicious** : Why do I even bother :(

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am glad that everything has been cleared up. In future, let’s all just agree that when someone wants to private time, it stays private.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : agreed!

**_Dedue is online_ **

**Dedue** : I am just going to visit His Highness now. If you wish to accompany me, you may do so.

**_Dedue is offline_ **

**_Brigid Pride is online_ **

**Brigid Pride** : I have been doing the research into the memes. Claude calls himself memelord, so does that mean he is a noble within the meme land?

**memelord** : damn straight.

**delicate flower** : no youre not.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : youre really not.

**Brigid Pride** : Ah! So when you say “Damn straight”, that is another way to say that you are a noble of the memes. But what is straight, anyway? And why are they having disagreeance over it?

**Brigid Pride** : I shall have further reading to do!

**_Brigid Pride is offline_ **

**Diva Queen** : Petra is too pure for this world.

**Bernie** : guyyssss... is it safe to come out? i dont want to die from the brotherhood of chaos!!!!!!

*

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 6:23pm]**

**_memelord has added Hubert von Vestra and Beefy Boi to the chat_ **

**Hubert von Vestra** : Why am I here?

**memelord** : because you asked

**Hubert von Vestra** : I meant it as a joke.

**memelord** : be that as it may, you have something in common with us all.

**memelord** : maybe not raph, but the rest of us, sure.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Get to the point before I eliminate all your pathetic lives.

**memelord** : we are all hopelessly enamoured by other people

**memelord** : myself and dima

**memelord** : hilda and marianne

**memelord** : sylvain and felix

**memelord** : and yourself and ferdie

**Hubert von Vestra** : I have no such interest in him.

**delicate flower** : you say that, but you do spend an awful lot of time around him.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Only to ensure he doesn’t excel Lady Edelgard!

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : they why did you give him a book on how to improve lance techniques?

**_Hubert von Vestra has left the chat_ **

**delicate flower** : someone couldn’t handle the truth :3

**Beefy Boi** : Hey, I’m here too :D

**memelord** : and you’re welcome to stay :D

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:45pm]**

**Mercie** : His Highness is still asleep, I’m afraid :<

**Mercie** : Marianne and I have been keeping an eye on him all evening, and he’s still out. Professor Manuela is resting up so she can watch over him at night, so we’re keeping an eye on him until curfew starts :)

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 10:00pm]**

**Marianne <3**: um, im sorry, he’s still asleep... im sorry i could do more.

**Emperor Edelgard** : You’ve worked flat out, Marianne. You should be proud of yourself. You’ve done more than the healer of my house has done.

**Linhardt** : I don’t get involved in other people’s business.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Either way, I am proud of you, Marianne.

**Marianne <3**: OH! thank you :)

**Marianne <3**: Professor Manuela is here to take care of him now. I’m heading back to my quarters now.

**delicate flower** : rest up, baby girl. you did a great job <3

**memelord** : i’m staying here to monitor dima. sleep tight, everyone!

*

**_[private message from memelord to delicate flower – 10:01pm]_ **

**memelord** : baby girl

**delicate flower** : dima

**memelord** : fuck we have it bad

**delicate flower** : yes we do

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 8:09am]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’m alright, everyone. I woke up just after midnight, and then slept for the rest of the night. Claude stayed with me throughout the night :)

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : How are you feeling?!

**Dedue** : Yes, are you okay?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am alright, just a little dehydrated. I’ve caught up on the chat, and I can confirm that it was an accident. I stuck the bag of powder too close to my face and it knocked me out instantly. I didn’t feel any pain, though. It was like I’d just gone to sleep.

**Ashe** : Phew, we’re so glad you’re okay! :D

**Annie** : Indeed, we were so worried :(

**felix** : hmph, at least you’re dead. if you were, i’d be annoyed

**felix** : not because i care

**felix** : but because no one else can challenge me to a duel like you

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : see, felix, you do care!

**felix** : perish.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Do you think you should let the other houses know? They were all worried, too.

**Mercie** : Yes, let’s go to the main chat :)

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Never has a smiley face brought me more fear. What have you done, Mercedes?

**Mercie** : Oh, nothing :)

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:14am** ]

**_[Mercie posted a link: my_crops_have_been_watered_my_skin_has_been_cleansed.img]_ **

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Is that...?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Aww, how sweet :)

**Bernie** : it’s sooooo cute :)

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Well... That is a thing.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : wow, nice one claude. you’ve managed to get into his highness’s personal space ;)

**felix** : gay.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Guys? It’s just a hug between friends?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I don’t exactly call Claude wrapping his arms around your neck like that “friendly”.

**Ferdilicious** : Indeed. There does seem to be more to it than that.

**Emperor Edelgard** : It is good to see you back, Dimitri. I guess we can put this behind us and move on with the day. I take it you will missing classes?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Yes, it’s what Professor Manuela said. She told me to walk around the monastery ground and rebuild my strength up. Enjoy class, everyone!

*

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 8:15am]**

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : very smooth claude, very smooth

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : think i should try that on felix?

**memelord** : not unless you want to be stabbed.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : im gonna do it

**memelord** : your funeral

*

**_[private message from Emperor Edelgard to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 8:16am]_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Dimitri, I regret to drag you away from your relaxation, but it appears as though Felix has just stabbed Sylvain with a pair of scissors.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : WHAT?!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : WHY?!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Apparently Sylvain tried to hug Felix.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Ah, fair enough.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’ll deal with this, don’t worry.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Please do. The Blue Lions classroom is in chaos, and the Golden Deer are adding more fuel to the fire. It’s hard to focus when all I can hear is Claude shouting “I told you this was a bad idea!”

**Emperor Edelgard** : And now Bernadetta has fled the classroom screaming that she is about to be murdered.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I see...

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’m on my way.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Is this what you have to put up with every day?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Yes.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am so sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, thank you for the response! I didn't expect to get this much attention for my dumb little story, so thank you! 
> 
> Secondly, feel free to scream at me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/SlashBangHorror
> 
> Thirdly, I love you all!


	3. The Traditional Fódlan Greeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _**[private message from Emperor Edelgard to memelord – 12:45pm]**_  
>    
> **Emperor Edelgard** : CLAUDE VON RIEGAN! WHAT DID YOU DO TO PETRA?!
> 
>  **Emperor Edelgard** : As she entered the Black Eagle classroom, she looked me dead in the eyes and dabbed.
> 
>  **Emperor Edelgard** : SHE DABBED.
> 
>  **memelord** : LMAO
> 
>  **Emperor Edelgard** : CLAUDE WHY????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Quick update today, because I'm going to be working flat out over Christmas and want to get something out. 
> 
> Love you all!

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 8:34am]**

**memelord** : sylvain, i told you it was a bad idea

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : how was i to know that felix was going to stab me with some scissors?!

**delicate flower** : because he is the biggest tsundere™ in the world and hates being touched?

**memelord** : also, you yelled “felix! my love!” at the top of your lungs. everyone in the golden deer classroom heard.

**delicate flower** : you were just asking to get stabbed

**Beefy Boi** : How’s the arm?!?!

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : manuela’s managed to remove the scissors and is healing up the wound. its only a flesh wound, so no harm done.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : never seen felix move so fast. or stab with such intensity

**memelord** : did you forget that he has a major crest? he’ll fuck you up.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : ah

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : forgot about that

*

**_[private message from sylvain eyyy ;) to felix – 8:40am]_ **

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : felix~

**felix** : go away

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 8:41am]**

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : GUYS FELIX IS IGNORING ME

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : We’re in class, Sylvain! Go bother His Highness.

*

**_[private message from sylvain eyyy ;) to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 8:42am]_ **

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : DIMITRI! FELIX IS IGNORING ME

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : He is in class, Sylvain. Talk to him after classes have finished for the day. I’m going to walk down to the town in a bit. Want to tag along once you’re free from the Infirmary?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : yes please.

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 10:56am]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Alright, so here’s the thing. Interhouse relations are improving, but are still pretty low. Do either of you have any idea on how to boost it even further?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Something fun, I think. Something that can bring us all together as one.

**memelord** : karaoke

**Emperor Edelgard** : Karaoke? Are you sure, Claude?

**memelord** : absolutely. think about it, nothing brings people closer together than having drinks and singing out of tune to songs. Especially when it’s a duet ;)

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : That’s a brilliant idea, Claude! What do you think, Edelgard?

**Emperor Edelgard** : I suppose it would be fun. Where would we have it?

**memelord** : golden deer classroom. it won’t take long to help set it up. all we need is youtube and a couple of microphones.

**memelord** : and maybe some snack food and drinks

**Emperor Edelgard** : I see. Alright, we’ll discuss this after classes have ended. Are you aright, Dimitri?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’m good, just keeping Sylvain company for now. Whilst I’m in town, I’ll buy some food and drinks!

**memelord** : thanks, dima!

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 11:09am]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Help me. Sylvain is being unnaturally quiet. I took him into town to take his mind off being stabbed and he’s not saying anything.

**Mercie** : Maybe he’s still hurt from the injury??

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : No, it’s worse than that. We’ve just walked past a woman and Sylvain didn’t hit on her.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Oh dear.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Come back here and we can sort it out during lunch! We’re just finishing up our morning break, so you’ll be stuck with him for just a little while longer, I’m afraid!

**Dedue** : Could it be because Felix is ignoring him?

**Ashe** : Probably :o

**Annie** : Definitely >:(

**Dedue** : I hope it all gets sorted out quickly. I am sure His Highness will come up with a solution when he returns.

*

**_[private message from Brigid Pride to memelord – 12:30pm]_ **

**Brigid Pride** : Claude! I have been doing the reading into the memes, and I am beginning to understand! Instead of throwing an object, I can YEET it, correct?

**memelord** : yes!

**Brigid Pride** : And to say that someone’s wig has been snatched, it means that you have shocked them so much their hair has fallen off. Correct?

**memelord** : keep going, sweetie, you’re doing great.

**Brigid Pride** : Oh! And to say that someone is “shooketh”, then they are shocked!

**Brigid Pride** : I am learning so much!

**memelord** : you’re a quick learner!

**Brigid Pride** : I am grateful, but I am also confused as to the noise coming from the classroom of the Blue Lions. Do you have knowledge of what is going on?

**memelord** : i dont, but i will find out!

*

**_[private message from memelord to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 12:31pm]_ **

**memelord** : dima! what’s going on?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Apologies, Claude, but we are trying to make Felix apologise for stabbing Sylvain. It is not going very well. Sylvain has apologised for hugging Felix, but Felix is stubbornly refusing to do the same.

**memelord** : threaten him

**memelord** : change his name to something embarrassing until he says sorry

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I could never do that to him...

**memelord** : sure you can! go on, you’re the future king! pull rank! i do it all the time to lorenz.

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 12:34pm]**

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus changed felix’s name to FeeFeeHugo_ **

**FeeFeeHugo** : Change my name back.

**FeeFeeHugo** : NOW

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Apologise to Sylvain, and I will.

**FeeFeeHugo** : sorry

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : There, was that so hard?

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus changed FeeFeeHugo’s name to felix_ **

**felix** : i despise you all

*

**_[private message from Fresh Prince of Faerghus to memelord – 12:36pm]_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : It worked! Sort of... Felix still isn’t talking to Sylvain but at least it’s better than nothing.

**memelord** : ah, a lovers spat. there is only one cure for it

**memelord** : karaoke

**memelord** : now, if you’ll excuse me, i have to meet with petra before lunch break is over. im going to teach her the traditional fódlan greeting ;)

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Wait, what?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude?

*

**_[private message from Emperor Edelgard to memelord – 12:45pm]_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : CLAUDE VON RIEGAN! WHAT DID YOU DO TO PETRA?!

**Emperor Edelgard** : As she entered the Black Eagle classroom, she looked me dead in the eyes and dabbed.

**Emperor Edelgard** : SHE DABBED.

**memelord** : LMAO

**Emperor Edelgard** : CLAUDE WHY????

**memelord** : how do you even know what a dab is

**Emperor Edelgard** : I wasn’t born yesterday, Claude. I may not as well-versed in the “meme world” as you, but even I know what a dab is. 

**memelord** : fair.

**memelord** : okay, i’ll have a chat with petra and see if i can get her to tone it down a bit.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you.

*

**_[private message from memelord to Brigid Pride – 12:47pm]_ **

**memelord** : you’re doing great, petra. keep it up!

**Brigid Pride** : Thank you! I am learning more about the culture!

**memelord** : i have plenty more to teach you, if you want

**Brigid Pride** : I would be liking that greatly! Tell me, what are these emoticon things?

**memelord** : listen well, petra, for i will tell you everything i know. as much as i can fit in within ten minutes, anyway.

*

**[house of memes – 12:58pm]**

**memelord** : guys! petra is becoming one of us!

**memelord** : she dabbed at edelgard a few minutes ago.

**delicate flower** : nice!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i assume you were the one who taught her how to dab, claude?

**memelord** : naturally ;)

**memelord** : our plan to slowly infiltrate the other two houses is working!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I don’t know if we can infiltrate the Blue Lions :o

**memelord** : ignatz, my dude, my guy, have a bit more faith in me. i have already drawn sylvain into our ranks, and i am working on the head man himself.

**Beefy Boi** : His Highness :O

**memelord** : bingo!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Are you serious? As if someone as studious and respectable as His Highness would swoop down to your level.

**memelord** : i can change your name, mayo man

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I’m sorry, Claude. I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that surely His Highness would be difficult to work on. The whole of the Blue Lions would be a tricky task.

**memelord** : you say that, but i will find a way ;)

**memelord** : after class, of course

**memelord** : im not a savage

*****

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:01pm]**

**memelord** : everyone, my fellow house leaders and i have an idea!

**memelord** : i want to invite you all to join in on karaoke, held tonight at the golden deer classroom!

**delicate flower** : wtf claude why didn’t we discuss this beforehand??

**memelord** : you’d have said yes, anyway.

**delicate flower** : true

**Ferdilicious** : A chance to sing? I’ll be there, if you will have me!

**Diva Queen** : Oooh! Me too! I haven’t done much singing since I left the opera house!

**Brigid Pride** : It would be a pleasure to hear you sing, Dorothea ;)

**Diva Queen** : ...

**Diva Queen** : Petra, sweetie, who taught you that?

**Diva Queen** : Wait, never mind, it’s obviously Claude.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Hmm... I must admit that I am partial to a bit of singing.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : So long as nothing goes wrong with my throat.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’m not much for singing, but I don’t mind watching everyone have fun.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I can’t sing.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : nice! hell yeah, im joining in!

**memelord** : feeling better, sylvain?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : yep!

**felix** : i’ll pass.

**Bernie** : m-mee too! i am sorry!!! i just dont do well in front of other people!!!!!

**Marianne <3**: I’m can't sing very loud, I’m afraid...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : can we sing what we want?

**memelord** : yes

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : im in

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’ll give it a try!

**Beefy Boi** : Same here!

**Ashe** : Same! :)

**Mercie** : Annie and I will be there. We’re just organising the books in the classroom for now :)

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Sorry! I’ve already arranged to have extra training with Captain Jeralt tonight! Enjoy yourself, though!

**Linhardt** : I’ll be busy.

**Linhardt** : Napping.

**Caspar** : Come on! Let’s have fun, Linhardt! I’m in!

**Linhardt** : I’ll still pass, thank you.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I’m not much of a singer, I’m afraid. I’ll be there for moral support?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am sorry, I was just repairing the lance I broke during class today. You already know I am joining in!

**Dedue** : I will come too, but I am not very good at singing.

**memelord** : alright, now it is a party!

**_Professor Byleth is online_ **

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, students. I understand that you are all having a karaoke night tonight, judging by Hilda’s excited squealing. Curfew is still at ten o’clock, so please try and wrap it up by then. Have fun!

**_Professor Byleth is offline_ **

**memelord** : teach is amazing <3

*

**_[private message from sylvain eyyy ;) to memelord – 3:21pm]_ **

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : did you arrange for a karaoke night just so you can sing a duet with dimitri?

**memelord** : absolutely

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : called it

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:41pm]**

**memelord** : hello party people! if you are wanting to join in, meet inside the golden deer classroom at 6:30 tonight! just getting everything all ready to go!

**Diva Queen** : My Goodness, Claude. I didn’t think you were this organised.

**memelord** : im really not

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : he isn’t

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Not even a little bit.

**memelord** : anyway, if you change your mind and just want to watch everyone else, that’s fine too!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, this is about bringing our three houses together and having fun with each other.

**memelord** : you said it, princess!

**Brigid Pride** : It will be fun to watch the others singing, even if I don’t know the songs that well \^3^/

**Emperor Edelgard** : ...

**Emperor Edelgard** : Why do I bother?

**Brigid Pride** : Am I being in trouble, Lady Edelgard? <:O

**Emperor Edelgard** : No, no, don’t worry. Claude, a word please?

**memelord** : >:3

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 3:48pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Claude, I swear to Gods!

**Emperor Edelgard** : You told me that you would tell Petra to tone it down. That doesn’t look toning it down! That looks like you are actively encouraging her.

**memelord** : she’s curious to learn! she asked to me to teach her everything, so i did! don’t distrupt her desire to learn, princess!

**Emperor Edelgard** : She thinks that this how the people of Fódlan speak. It isn’t. It’s how you, and you alone, speak.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Actually, some of the Blue Lions do the same thing.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Do they dab as a greeting?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Ah, they do not.

**memelord** : edelgard, she’s learning this by herself. she’s researching all the memes as we speak! we cannot stop her even if we tried.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I see... Well, please can you not encourage her even more than you already have? It’s like you’re trying to take over the Black Eagles with your... Meme-ness. What’s next, Ferdinand? Linhardt?!

**memelord** : sorry, princess, i will stop.

*

**[Operation Golden Deer – 3:55pm]**

**_memelord added Ferdilicious and Linhardt to the chat_ **

**Linhardt** : Why am I here?

**Ferdilicious** : Yes, what is this, Claude?

**memelord** : ferdie, linhardt, my good men, want to learn the ways of the golden deer?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dabs*
> 
> Next up, karaoke!


	4. Karaoke Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **delicate flower** : oooh! claude, why don’t we sing our song?
> 
>  **memelord** : yes.
> 
>  **memelord** : brace yourselves for...
> 
>  **memelord** : our song
> 
>  **Pegasus Knight 1180** : I am not even in the room, and even I am dreading what is coming up. 
> 
> **Ferdilicious** : Wait... I know that opening tune.
> 
>  **It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Oh Gods, no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! 
> 
> So this was written off the back of two long shifts at work and my brain is fried to a crisp.
> 
> I wanted to get something out as an early Christmas present!
> 
> Enjoy!

**[Operation Gold Deer – 3:56pm]**

**Ferdilicious** : The ways of the Golden Deer? Oh, I see what you are doing? You are trying to lure us away from the esteemed Black Eagles! Well, it will not work on me!

**Linhardt** : What do I need to do to stop you from messaging me?

**memelord** : it’s simple, really.

**memelord** : when edelgard least expects it, say “fear the deer.”

**memelord** : she’ll know what it means ;3

*****

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:06pm]**

**memelord** : dimmaaaaaa~ have you got the snacks you brought?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Yes, I have. Shall I bring them over?

**memelord** : yes please!

**felix** : why couldn’t you have just used private message?

**memelord** : because.

**memelord** : i didn’t want to

**Emperor Edelgard** : What snacks did you buy, Dimitri?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I couldn’t find anything too extravagant, so I’ve just got some cakes and biscuits. I did manage to track down some pastry things for people who want something savoury! I also got some fizzy drinks. Hope there’s something that everyone will like!

**memelord** : im certain you’ve done a great job, dima :3

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Thank you, Claude.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : wow, claude is really laying it on today

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I know...

**memelord** : anyway, hilda and i are just putting up some decorations now. will keep you updated!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:49pm]**

**_[delicate flower posted a link: karaoke_party.img]_ **

**Caspar** : Looking good!

**Ashe** : Wow! It looks so pretty!

**Hubert von Vestra** : It is a bit too colourful...

**memelord** : sorry we aren’t all vampires like you, hubert

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am not a vampire.

**Ferdilicious** : Yes you are.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Hmph.

**Diva Queen** : Ooh, I’m excited!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Yeah! It should be a fun night!

**Beefy Boi** : Look at all the food! His Highness did a good job!

**memelord** : raph, i say this as a friend, can you bring your own food just so that there is enough for the rest of us?

**Beefy Boi** : Will do! :D

**memelord** : just putting the finishing touches in place. dima has been a huge help!

**delicate flower** : hey, i helped too!

**memelord** : i know.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Please, Claude, I didn’t do much. I set the food and drinks out, and you and Hilda did the rest. It does look very good!

**Bernie** : yes it does!!! still not going!! sorry!!!!

**Marianne <3**: It doesn’t look like our classroom :O

**memelord** : still getting the last touches done, but it’ll soon be show time!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : If I hadn’t been planning this training session for a couple of weeks now, I’d love to turn up! I’m not much of a singer, but it does seem like a good bonding opportunity!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I do have to ask. Who is going to be cleaning all this up afterwards?

**memelord** : you are

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I walked into that one, didn’t I?

**delicate flower** : yes

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yes

**Ashe** : How about we spend tomorrow cleaning it up? It could count as our weekly task?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I agree! It may be in the Golden Deer classroom, but we have all taken part in this. Does that sound okay to everyone?

**Dedue** : Of course, Your Highness.

**memelord** : great idea, dima!

**Emperor Edelgard** : You’re not even trying to be subtle now.

**Fresh Prince of Farghus** : Huh?

**memelord** : oh, nothing.

**memelord** : lets finish up! its nearly showtime!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 6:30pm]**

**memelord** : showtime!

**delicate flower** : yay!

**Diva Queen** : Eeeee~ I’m so excited~

**Caspar** : Looking good!

**Ashe** : :O:O:O

**Ashe** : It looks beautiful!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : It is a little too garish for my tastes, but I cannot deny that you haven’t done a good job.

**Hubert von Vestra** : The décor is... Passable, I suppose.

**Ferdilicious** : I will say, you have put a lot of effort into this!

**Mercie** : It looks amazing! And this food is amazing, Your Highness!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Oh, thank you Mercedes. I don’t have a keen eye for detail, so I hope I’ve done a good job.

**Beefy Boi** : It looks great! :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It certainly does! It feels as though I have been transported to somewhere magical!

**Annie** : I can’t wait! Who’s going first?

**Diva Queen** : Me! Edie, how about you and I do Dancing Queen!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Oh... It’s alright, you have fun Dorothea!

**Diva Queen** : Edelgard von Hresvelg

**Emperor Edelgard** : Alright! I’m sorry!

**memelord** : oof, the full name

**memlord** : you’re in trouble

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Wow, Dorothea’s voice is spectacular. I wonder if she’ll return to the opera company in Enbarr once she has graduated from here?

**Ferdilicious** : Probably. She is truly an inspiring songstress!

**Bernie** : she is!!!!

**Caspar** : Edelgard’s trying to keep up, bless her.

**memelord** : she just cant quite reach those high notes.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Let’s just enjoy the performance.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 6:35pm]**

**Brigid Pride** : That was good, but I do have questions about this dancing queen. The fact she is a queen implies that she is royalty, and so was a dancing princess. But she is also only seventeen years old, so I am being curious as to how she was crowned queen when she not yet of age. If this is the case, why is Prince Dimitri not yet King when he is seventeen too?

**felix** : is he were able to take the throne, all our problems would be avoided

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Thank you for your input, Felix.

**Diva Queen** : ...

**Diva Queen** : It’s a song, sweetie. You don’t need to read too much into it.

**Linhardt** : Yes, it is just a silly little song.

**Linhardt** : What? I’m stalking you through here whilst I do something else far more interesting.

**Brigid Pride** : Ah, I have apologies for doing the reading into the song. Dorothea and Lady Edelgard were excellent!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you, Petra, but it was Dorothea who did most of the work. I said I wasn’t that great of a singer.

**Diva Queen** : Shush, don’t say that. You were fantastic, babe <3

**Emperor Edelgard** : <3

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : so, who’s next?

**delicate flower** : oooh! claude, why don’t we sing our song?

**memelord** : yes.

**memelord** : brace yourselves for...

**memelord** : our song

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I am not even in the room, and even I am dreading what is coming up.

**Ferdilicious** : Wait... I know that opening tune.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Oh Gods, no.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Is it "Africa" by Toto?

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Yes.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Of course it is.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 6:41pm]**

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : alright... so “your song” also happens to be the meme-ist song there is.

**memelord** : yep

**delicate flower** : yep!!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : figures.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude, I didn’t know you could sing like that. You truly were captivating to watch.

**Marianne <3**: Yyess, you were! it was so good to see!

**memelord** : ah, many thanks your princeliness :3

**memelord** : so, who’s next?

**Ferdilicious** : I will go! I have a song in mind that is truly a classic.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Is it Britney Spears “Toxic”?

**Ferdilicious** : What? No, of course. Why would you think that?

**Hubert von Vestra** : You sing it in the bathroom.

**Ferdilicious** : You can’t prove anything!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Watch me.

**_[Hubert von Vestra posted a link: Ferdinand_von_Spears.mov]_ **

**Ferdilicious** : HUBERT WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?!

**delicate flower** : OMG LMAO

**Diva Queen** : Ferdie, you’ve got quite the voice!

**Brigid Pride** : He is really into his performance!

**Caspar** : He’s even got the moves!

**Bernie** : ahh! i promise i didn’t watch dont hurt me pleaseeee!!!!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : My phone is going crazy. What is happening?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Wait, never mind. I’ve caught up.

**memelord** : wait...

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hubert, why are you spying on Ferdinand whilst he takes a bath. Anything you want to say?

**Annie** : ANYWAY, take it away Ferdinand!

**Ferdilicious** : Thank you, Annette! It’s nice to see that someone appreciates privacy!

**Hubert von Vestra** : It’s a communal bathroom.

**memelord** : ladies, do you need to take this outside?

**Ferdilicious** : No, I am good to go!

**memelord** : oh my, he’s memorised the moves

**delicate flower** : look at him go!

**Diva Queen** : I didn’t know he could move like that!

**Marianne <3**: oh my... his voice is really good!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Hmm...

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : My eyes! That is not how a noblemen should conduct themselves!

*

_**[Private message from memelord to Emperor Edelgard – 6:48pm]** _

**memelord** : permission to change ferdie’s name to ferdinand von spears

**Emperor Edelgard** : Denied.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Because I was going to do it myself.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 6:49pm]**

_**Emperor Edelgard changed Ferdilicious’s name to Ferdinand von Spears** _

**Ferdinand von Spears** : Please stop changing my name :(

**Emperor Edelgard** : Blame Hubert.

**Beefy Boi** : You’ve got a good voice, even if I don’t understand the song..

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Yes, it was good! Now I’m suddenly a little nervous about singing...

**Beefy Boi** : Don’t be! You’re surrounded by friends :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Oh, it’s really okay. I’m just hear to hang out with everyone and have fun :)

**Beefy Boi** : Same here! I’m here for the food!

**memelord** : so, who’s next?

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 6:50pm]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Everyone, I have an idea of a song, but it’s a duet. Would Claude be alright with it despite having sung not long ago? Should I ask him?

**Ashe** : Do it!!! :D

**Mercie** : Yes, absolutely!

**Annie** : He would love it, Your Highness!

**Dedue** : Go for it.

**felix** : yeah, boar, go for it

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : you should totally go for it, your highness! see what happens!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Yes, I agree. What’s the worst that could happen?

*

**[house of memes – 6:51pm]**

**delicate flower** : HOLY CRAP HIS HIGHNESS ASKED CLAUDE TO DO A DUET

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : he’s going for it!

**delicate flower:** he must be freaking out inside!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I can imagine!

**Beefy Boi** : he’s doing it!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Oh, I know this song!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Yes, I think we all do.

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 6:52pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : It seems Dimitri is finally doing something about his feelings.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Finally.

**Bernie** : what-what’s happening!!!1

**Diva Queen** : Dimitri and Claude are doing a duet.

**Brigid Pride** : They both seem to be have the excitement!

**Caspar** : Yeah, look at them go!

**Linhardt** : They’re finally singing together? Took them long enough.

**Ferdinand von Spears** : Lady Edelgard, I humbly request that you change my name back to how it was at the beginning of all this. Otherwise I will be forced to take drastic measures.

**Hubert von Vestra** : What could you possibly have in mind?

**Ferdinand von Spears** : Fear the deer.

**_Emperor Edelgard changed Ferdinand von Spears’s name to I am Ferdinand von Aegir_ **

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Thank you.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Don’t ever say that again.

**Linhardt** : Fear the deer.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Linhardt! Not you, as well! I shall be having stern talks with Claude as soon as... Oh...

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 6:54pm]**

**_delicate flower posted a link: fucking_finally.img_ **

**delicate flower** : THEY’VE ACTUALLY DONE IT!

**delicate flower** : THE MAD LADS HAVE ACTUALLY DONE IT!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs used:
> 
> Dorothea and Edelgard: "Dancing Queen" - Abba  
> Hilda and Claude: "Africa" - Toto  
> Ferdinand von Aegir: "Toxic" - Britney Spears  
> Dimitri and Claude "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" - Starship
> 
> NOT INCLUDED: 
> 
> Sylvain: "I'm Too Sexy" - Right Said Fred


	5. Operation Toilet Paper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[house of memes – 8:48am]**
> 
> **memelord** : ALRIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU TP’D THE SAINTS?
> 
>  **It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I beg your pardon? Whatever do you mean?
> 
>  **memelord** : who went to the statues of the four saints and decided to lob toilet paper over them???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! 
> 
> I'm about two hours away from welcoming in 2020, so I wanted to get a new chapter out before then.
> 
> See you all next year!

_**[private message from delicate flower to sylvain eyyy ;) – 7:00pm]** _

**delicate flower** : told you they would hook up tonight

**delicate flower** : you owe me 20 gold

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : damn, i thought you’d forgot

**delicate flower** : how could I forget? we did the official document signing and everything!

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : damn it!

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : alright, i’ll go get your reward. it’s not like anyone wants to do the karaoke anymore. all too excited about his highness and claude.

**delicate flower** : nope, not while im here!

**delicate flower** : im gonna keep this party going!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:30pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello students. I see that the karaoke has turned into a big party. Curfew is still at ten o’clock tonight, so don’t forget. Other than that, have fun! :)

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:27pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello students. Please keep the noise levels down, as evening prayers are about to get underway. Thank you! :)

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:38pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello students. Just a reminder that curfew is in twenty minutes, so you might want to start winding down now :)

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 10:01pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Why can I still hear loud music playing when it’s curfew?

**delicate flower** : SHIT

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 8:41am]**

**_Archbishop Rhea is online_ **

**Archbishop Rhea** : Hello Edelgard, Dimitri, and Claude. I wanted to talk to you about the behaviour of some of your classmates last night. I was informed that you were having a karaoke night in the Golden Deer classroom, correct?

**memelord** : That’s right, Lady Rhea.

**Archebishop Rhea** : Who is this?

**memelord** : Oh, sorry. This is Claude.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : And I am Dimitri. Forgive me for the nickname.

**Emperor Edelgard** : What happened, Lady Rhea? Claude and Dimitri left the classroom a little after seven last night, and I left not long after. Is the Golden Deer classroom a mess?

**memelord** : We made it our chore today to clean it up.

**Archbishop Rhea** : It is not just the state of the Golden Deer classroom. It is also the state of the Cathedral.

**Archbishop Rhea** : Would someone care to explain why there is toilet paper all over the statues of the Four Saints?

**memelord** : ...

**memelord** : Let me ask my classmates, and I will get back to you.

**Emperor Edelgard** : And I shall ask the Black Eagles. If any of them were involved, I shall be very disappointed in them.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Why throw toilet paper? Either way, I shall ask the Blue Lions and see if any of them are responsible.

*

**[house of memes – 8:48am]**

**memelord** : ALRIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU TP’D THE SAINTS?

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I beg your pardon? Whatever do you mean?

**memelord** : who went to the statues of the four saints and decided to lob toilet paper over them???

**memelord** : rhea is absolutely fuming

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : No surprises there...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : not surprised

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It wasn’t me, I swear!

**Beefy Boi** : Yeah, we were at the classroom all night, and then went straight to our bedrooms! I don’t even know what TP is!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : well, it wasn’t me. as if i would do something as childish and immature as that.

**memelord** : even though you are a child?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : claude, i do not want to have to explain to your new boyfriend why i have murdered you

**Marianne <3**: Um... What is TP?

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Yes, what is it?

**memelord** : it means throwing toilet paper over something. someone went to the statues of those four saints and threw toilet paper over them

**memelord** : hilda?

**delicate flower** : what?! of course it wasn’t me? i was dancing all night!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I was with the Captain all night, so it wasn’t me. I went nowhere near the cathedral yesterday.

**memelord** : well, if it wasn’t any of us, who could it be?

**memelord** : and no, it wasn’t me

**memelord** : i was by the fishing pond with dima all night.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : maybe someone from the black eagles?

**Beefy Boi** : Yeah! They might be hiding a secret wild side!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I highly doubt it.

**memelord** : i dunno, given ferdie’s performance last night, i’d say he has a secret wild side

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 8:49am]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Attention, Black Eagles. Last night, during the party, someone when to the statues of the Four Saints in the Cathedral and threw toilet paper over them.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’d loathe for it to be one of you, but I need to know where you all were last night.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I was with you, Lady Edelgard.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You are not seriously suggesting I would do something so scandalous?!

**Emperor Edelgard** : You danced to Britney Spears last night.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : That was something else! Besides, I was at the party all last night. Ask Hilda.

**Bernie** : it wasn’t me i promissee!!!!!

**Diva Queen** : Oh my. Why would someone throw toilet paper over the statues?

**Diva Queen** : Oh, and I was at the party as well. I think most of us were.

**Brigid Pride** : I was enjoying the dancing. I didn’t know someone could throw the toilet paper? Is this a Fódlan culture I am not aware of?

**Linhardt** : I was in the library.

**Caspar** : I didn’t leave the Golden Deer classroom!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Well, Bernadetta was likely in her bedroom and Linhardt was at the library, which means the rest of you were at the party. I will check back with Dimitri and Claude and see what they say.

*

**_[Private message from Emperor Edelgard to memelord – 8:50am]_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Claude, did you teach Petra how to throw toilet paper over something?

**memelord** : wtf? of course i didn’t. tp’ing something is so old that no one even does it anymore.

**memelord** : now antiquing, on the other hand

**memelord** : a timeless classic

**Emperor Edelgard** : Dare I ask what “antiquing” is

**memelord** : you dump flour over someone to make them look like an antique. it’s fun!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I will take you word for it...

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 8:50am]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Everyone, Lady Rhea has just informed me that the Four Saints have been covered in toilet paper. Sylvain, did you do this?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** ; wtf of course not. i was with hilda all night!

**Annie** : Oh no, someone has vandalised the Cathedral? :O

**Ashe** : Why? :O

**Dedue** : Your Highness, I would never do such a thing.

**felix** : hmph

**felix** : i was training all night

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : As was I.

**Mercie** : Oh my! Annie and I retreated a little after nine, because we were both tired.

**Ashe** : Same here!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I didn’t think it was any of you. Let me get back in touch with Edelgard and Claude, and see who was responsible.

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 8:51am]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : None of the Blue Lions claim responsibility.

**Emperor Edelgard** : The same with the Black Eagles.

**memelord** : if any of the golden deer did it, they aint confessing.

**Archbishop Rhea** : I understand why. They fear what will happen if they confess. Thank you, you three. Keep an eye out for any suspicious activity, and report it to me. Encourage your classmates to come forward if they did it. Tell them that I am not angry, just curious as to why someone thought it was a good idea to cover the statues with toilet paper.

**_Archbishop Rhea is offline_ **

**memelord** : oh, she’s angry.

**memelord** : but you know what im thinking?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : That we have a go at being detectives?

**memelord** : yes! its like you read my mind!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’m sat right next to you, and you just yelled out: “Detective Time!”

**memelord** : :D

*

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 9:00am]**

**_memelord added Fresh Prince of Faerghus, Bernie, Caspar, and Hubert von Vestra to the chat_ **

**Hubert von Vestra** : This again?

**memelord** : everyone, i have called you all here so we can work out who tp’d the saints. i called it “operation toilet paper” or “otp” for short.

**delicate flower** : nice

**memelord** : all of you play a vital role. i am the leader, and my codename is “the leader”

**memelord** : hilda, you can make anyone spill the beans by sweettalking them. your codename is “the charmer”

**memelord** : hubert, you terrify the shit out of everyone with a single glare. your code name is “the glare”

**memelord** : caspar, raph, both of are muscular as hell. you are “muscle one” and “muscle two”. your job is to intimidate people into talking.

**memelord** : bernie, no one ever sees you, which makes you perfect for eavesdropping on people. you are “the silence”

**Bernie** : ahhhh! okay!!! what do i doo???

**memelord** : sylvain, you have a way with the ladies. you are “the casanova”

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : nice!

**memelord** : and dima! you are my number two, so you are “the boyfriend”.

**memelord** : your mission is simple. get out there and find clues about who threw toilet paper over the statues of the four saints. report back to me with anything you find.

**Caspar** : On it! Muscle One is out!

**Beefy Boi** : Yeah! Muscle Two is on the loose!

**delicate flower** : hey, the casanova, wanna team up?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** sure ;)

**Hubert von Vestra** : I’m sorry, but what exactly is the point of all this?

**memelord** : go around the monastery and find clues as to who tp’d the saints.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Ugh, fine.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude, shall we go tidy up the Golden Deer classroom?

**memelord** : yes <3

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:11am]**

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Can someone please explain why I have passed Hilda hiding behind a bush, and Sylvain wearing a trench coat and fedora?

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : They look absolutely ridiculous!

**_It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester posted a link: why.img_ **

**Ashe** : Yeah, when I approached them, Sylvain said “I’m on a top-secret mission.” What mission?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : And why Raphael is being a bit more... Raphael than usual?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubert just glares at anyone who dares walk past him. I know it's what he normally does, but he seems to be doing it more intensely than usual. 

**Emperor Edelgard** : Why is Caspar picking a fight with everyone?

**Brigid Pride** : I have been passing by Bernie. She said she was on a secret mission and that I couldn’t see her.

**Diva Queen** : Claude?

**memelord** : nothing to do with me.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : I highly doubt that.

**memelord** : alright, fine.

**memelord** : i sent them out on a mission to look for clues as to who tp’d the saints.

**Linhardt** : Are you still on about that? I think it’s clear that it’s none of us.

**memelord** : which is why we need to find who did it

**memelord** : if not, rhea will ban us from using this chatroom

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Very well. I shall aid in the investigation.

**Mercie** : Annie and I will ask the monks if they saw anything!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Look for clues whilst you are there, ladies.

**Annie** : Will do!

**Marianne <3**: um... I’m at the cathedral now. shall I go check it out as well?

**memelord** : yes please!

*

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 9:24am]**

**delicate flower** : okay, so casanova and i have overheard some students say that they saw someone fleeing the cathedral late last night, a little after ten o’clock. we were all packing up from the party, so none of us could have slipped away then.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : that clears up a lot of people

**Hubert von Vestra** : I interrogated a student as to your whereabouts, and she confirms that she saw you and His Highness at the pond.

**memelord** : did you really suspect me?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Yes.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Sylvain, Hilda, did the students get a good look at the person fleeing?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : not sure. shall we go after them?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : That would be useful.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:26am]**

**_Professor Byleth is online_ **

**Professor Byleth** : Can someone please explain why some students are running around screaming? It appears that they are being chased by a bush and someone wearing a tan trench coat and a fedora.

**memelord** : um...

**memelord** : perhaps i should explain in person.

**Professor Byleth** : Please do.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:32am]**

**Annie** : Mercie and I have found some evidence! A strand of long, green hair was found at the scene of the crime.

**Mercie** : The monks didn’t see anything, but the hair is a good start!

**Marianne <3**: Sorry I couldn’t be more useful.

**delicate flower** : don’t say that!

**delicate flower** : sylvain and i managed to track down those students. they didn’t see who it was, just that they were small.

**Caspar** : Muscle One and Muscle Two didn’t find anything out :(

**Beefy Boi** : No one would talk to us. They just ran :(

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Small, and with green hair?

**Emperor Edelgard** : There is only one person who matches that description. But why would Flayn do that?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Claude?

**memelord** : why do i get the blame for everything?!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : because it’s nearly always you.

**memelord** : well, this time, i had nothing to do with it.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I was with him all night. He never once mentioned it to me, or messaged Flayn to tell her what to do.

**memelord** : thank you, dima.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : but why would she do it :O

**Dedue** : I am not sure. Perhaps she read about it somewhere?

**felix** : who cares? we found the culprit, right? now we can put the whole silly thing behind us.

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 9:35am]**

**Professor Byleth** : So Claude has just told me that he has enlisted some students to go out and look for clues as to why the statues of the Four Saints were vandalised last night.

**Seteth** : Someone did what?!

**Professor Byleth** : Nothing too serious, just a harmless prank. The statues are alright.

**Professor Manuela** : My, why would someone do that?

**Professor Hanneman** : I assure you, I had nothing to do with it.

**Flayn** : Oh my! Someone threw toilet paper over the statues?

**Professor Byleth** : Flayn, I never mentioned the toilet paper. I only said that they were vandalised.

**Seteth** : Flayn, is there something you wish to say?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flayn is so pure and I love her.


	6. Disaster Gays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Do you have feelings for Felix, then?
> 
>  **sylvain eyyy ;)** : no, of course not.
> 
>  **Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : ...
> 
>  **sylvain eyyy ;)** : alright! i do! what can i say? he has that aura about him that is just so... mysterious, and sexy.
> 
>  **Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : He stabbed you when you tried to hug him.
> 
>  **sylvain eyyy ;)** : that’s not the point!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a ton of fun writing this >:3

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 9:36am]**

**Seteth** : Flayn, do you have something you’d like to talk say?

**Flayn** : Brother, it is nothing! I didn’t mean anything by it!

**Professor Byleth** : No, Flayn. That is exactly what happened. We are not angry; we just need to know why you did it.

**Flayn** : I read about it, and thought it would be a good idea to try it out! I’m so sorry, brother! I meant it as a friendly gesture in a moment of celebration!

**Flayn** : I will be begin tidying up immediately!

**Seteth** : Thank you, Flayn. I will accompany you. I wish to speak to you in private. About where you learnt this... Act of celebration.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:38am]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, students. The culprit of the toilet paper incident has been identified as Flayn. She believed that it was a method of celebration rather than a prank. All suspicions on other students have been cleared. Thank you for your investigation.

**memelord** : i would like to point out that i had nothing to do with this.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am glad that it has all be sorted out. I didn’t think that it would be any of us.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Agreed. None of us could be that immature to do such a thing.

**memelord** : flayn is, apparently.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Flayn did always seem a little behind the times.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Anyway, now that this little mystery has been solved, shall we get back to fixing up the Golden Deer classroom?

**memelord** : yes please

_**memelord shared a link: HELP_US.img** _

**Marianne <3**: Oh!!! I’m sorry if I contributed to any of that.

**Mercie** : Let’s just all work together to clean it up :3 I’m sure if we work together, we will make short work of it!

**Ashe** : Yes! Teamwork makes everything better!

**felix** : ugh

**felix** : i had nothing to do with this. why should i help out?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : because im there ;)

**felix** : again, why should i help out?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : you wound me, felix.

**felix** : hmph. give me one good reason why i should be there

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : we can spar afterwards?

**felix** : done.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Alright, everyone meet up at the Golden Deer classroom. We can tidy up and then go about our day :)

*

**_[private message from delicate flower to memelord – 10:45am]_ **

**delicate flower** : CLAUDE I NEED YOUR HELP

**memelord** : WHAT IS IT, FELLOW DISASTER BISEXUAL?

**delicate flower** : HOW DO TALK TO MARIANNE??!!

**memelord** : JUST TALK TO HER. IT’S MARIANNE. IT’LL BE FINE.

**delicate flower** : INVITE HER TO TEA??? WILL THAT WORK?

**memelord** : YES

**memelord** : DO IT

**delicate flower** : WILL DO.

**delicate flower** : THANK

**memelord** : NO PROBLEM.

*

**_[private message from Emperor Edelgard to Hubert von Vestra – 10:46am]_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hubert, I do hope that you are not slacking off on your duties?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Of course not, Lady Edelgard. I just can’t seem to focus because of him.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ferdinand? What is he doing?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I can’t stop thinking about that damned dance he did last night.

**Hubert von Vestra** : And how did you know that I was referring to Ferdinand?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Because you won’t stop looking at him. Plus, after we left, all you did was talk about him.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Why not just speak to him?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Because he is insufferable and an annoyance.

**Emperor Edelgard** : There is that. But if he is that bad, why not just cut him out of your life entirely?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I’ve tried.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It didn’t work.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hubert, I’m saying this as a friend, go spend some time with him. Have a tea party with him.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I hate tea.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Well, have coffee then. Ferdinand’s gone ahead and bought Dagda coffee beans.

**Emperor Edelgard** : You know he hates coffee, and yet he’s bought three bags of the stuff. Who do you think he bought them for?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Hmm, I see your point. Very well, I shall go and invite Ferdinand to have a tea/coffee break after this work is finished. 

**Hubert von Vestra** : Do not spy on me.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I will know.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Wouldn’t dream of it, Hubert.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Just help us tidy up, and then you and Ferdinand are free to leave.

*

**_[private message from Fresh Prince of Faerghus to sylvain eyyy ;) – 10:47am]_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : And where do you think you’re going?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : if i don’t spar with felix, he won’t talk to me again. i need this, your highness.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Why are you so concerned about Felix not talking to you?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : because we’re bros! bros stay together for life!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Just bros. Right.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : That explains all the lingering looks you give him when you think no one is watching.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : hey! you’ve only just realised your feelings for claude!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Do you have feelings for Felix, then?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : no, of course not.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : ...

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : alright! i do. what can i say? he has that aura about him that is just so... mysterious, and sexy.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : He stabbed you when you tried to hug him.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : that’s not the point!

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : help me woo him, your highness. help me win the heart of felix.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You know Felix and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms, right?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : yeah, but you’ll still help me out, right? i would ask ingrid but you know that her advice will just be “speak to him you idiot!”

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Because that is generally good advice. It took me far too long to realise it with Claude. Just talk to Felix and see what he says.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : well... what do i say?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Exactly what you have told me. Say that you have feelings for him, and that you want to be friends no matter what his answer is. See what happens!

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : alright, i’ll do it. wish me luck!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Good luck!

*

**[house of memes – 11:31am]**

**_delicate flower posted a link: girlies_tea_time.img_ **

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : wow, look at all that cake!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Are you having a tea party with Marianne, Hilda? That’s really sweet :)

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Yeah! That’s really nice of you :D

**Beefy Boi** : Have fun, ladies!

**delicate flower** : we will!

**Marianne <3**: t-thank you! I still can’t believe Hilda asked me out. 

**delicate flower** : anything for you, marianne <3

**memelord** : ~~now kiss~~

**delicate flower** : claude, i do not want to make dimitri a widower before you’ve even gotten married.

**memelord** : my bad.

**memelord** : will you still be my maid of honour?

**delicate flower** : of course i will!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Wait, Claude and Dimitri are already getting married?!

**memelord** : in a few years’ time, yes.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i want to be a groomsmaid.

**memelord** : done.

**memelord** : in fact, you are all invited to be my groomsmen and groomsmaid. even you, leonie.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Do I have to wear a dress?

**memelord** : no

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Sure, why not? 

**memelord** : thank you!

*

**_[private message from memelord to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 11:35am]_ **

**memelord** : dima, don’t be mad, but i may have invited all the golden deer to be my groomsmen/groomsmaids at our wedding.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : We’re getting married? When?

**memelord** : in a few years, maybe?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : If that’s what you really want?

**memelord** : yes

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Okay then :)

**memelord** : really? i wasn’t expecting you to accept so readily.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : It’s better to start preparing early, right? :)

**memelord** : <3

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : <3

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 11:40am]**

**Caspar** : Lady Edelgard, why are Ferdinand and Hubert drinking tea together?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Because I asked Hubert to ask Ferdinand out to a tea party. I thought it would be the best way to get them to start talking to each other.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Wait, are you spying on them? Hubert requested that he didn't have people watching him.

**Linhardt** : It's not that interesting, anyway. They are boring each other to death with talk of politics.

**Bernie** : Wahhhhhh??? ferdie and hubie are.... together...???...

**Diva Queen** : They certainly seem to be enjoying their time with each other :3

**Brigid Pride** : Oh! Are they too having the gay?

**Diva Queen** : Yes, sweetie, they are.

**Brigid Pride** : I see!

**Bernie** : are they... are they having fun?????

**Diva Queen** : It appears so.

**Brigid Pride** : Tell me, why are Hubert’s cheeks pink?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ah, he’s blushing.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Leave them be.

**Caspar** : Are you kidding me?! This is prime blackmail material!!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Caspar, I swear to Sothis, leave them be otherwise Hubert will kill you.

**Caspar** : :<

**Caspar** : Not even a single photo?

**Linhardt** : Please? It’s an opportunity that is not to be wasted. Hubert’s emotions are a fascinating study that I would like to undertake.

**Emperor Edelgard** : No.

**Brigid Pride** : It is alright!!

**Brigid Pride** : I have been getting the photo!!!

**_Brigid Pride shared a link: gays.img_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Petra, no!

**Brigid Pride** : ??

**Hubert von Vestra** : I would appreciate it if you didn’t disturb my tea party.

**Brigid Pride** : I am sorry, Hubert. I will be deleting the photo with immediate effect.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I was just about finished away.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I am still amazed you asked me out, Hubert! I thought you found my mere existence repulsing?

**Hubert von Vestra** : When you are not constantly trying to one-up Lady Edelgard, I suppose I find you... Tolerable.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I will take it! :D

**Diva Queen** : Jeez, and I thought Dimitri and Claude were bad...

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 11:42am]**

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : well, i have some good news and some bad news.

**Ashe** : :O???

**Annie** : Tell us Sylvain!

**Mercie** : The bad news isn’t too serious, I hope?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : that depends on how you define “serious”

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Is this about Felix?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : yes.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : good news! i finally confessed to felix.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : bad news, he punched me in the face and sulked off.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : my right eye is swollen shut. please send help.

**Mercie** : Where are you??

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : training grounds.

**Mercie** : On my way!

**Ashe** : He finally confessed then :o

**Dedue** : A shame it didn’t go so well.

**Annie** : I know :(

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : This is Felix we’re talking out. The boy who doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions. Let’s just be thankful he didn’t stab Sylvain this time with his sword. I’d rather not have another repeat of the “Scissor Incident”.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : My apologies. I may have encouraged Sylvain to talk to Felix about how he feels. Maybe that was not the best idea.

**Dedue** : Do not say that, Your Highness.

**Ashe** : Yeah, you couldn’t have known this would happen!

**Annie** : Exactly! :)

**felix** : hmph.

**felix** : i’m sorry i punched you.

**felix** : you just have a very punchable face.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : kiss it better?

**felix** : no.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : worth a shot

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:00pm]**

**delicate flower** : GUESS WHO’S GONE AND GOTTEN HERSELF GIRLFRIENDED WITH MARIANNE

**memelord** : YOU ACTUALLY DID IT

**Diva Queen** : Ooh, congrats! Maybe you and Marianne can go on double dates with me and Edie :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : That would be lovely! Congratulations!

**Ashe** : Congrats :D

**Mercie** : I’m so happy for you!

**Annie** : Same! This is so sweet!

**Dedue** : You have my sincerest congratulations.

**Marianne <3**: Thank you, everyone! Hilda was so kind to me today :)

**delicate flower** : anything for you, baby girl!

**Beefy Boi** : Yeah! You did it :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’m so happy for you!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you can stop pining now.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : At least you two will be functioning well. Unlike two members from the Blue Lions.

**Linhardt** : And the Black Eagles.

**Linhardt** : Oh, I suppose I should congratulate you.

**Caspar** : Nice one! Seems everyone is getting coupled up recently!

**memelord** : love is in the air.

**memelord** : speaking of love.

**delicate flower** : claude, i swear to gods, if you dare to steal my thunder...

**memelord** : dima and i are engaged.

**delicate flower** : CLAUDE YOU SON OF A BITCH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware that it is dimiclaude weak, but i am combining all my chosen prompts into one giant story at the end of the week!


	7. Ye Of Little Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **i wont hesitate, b*tch** : if there’s a magic contest, i will win.
> 
>  **Hubert von Vestra** : No, I will win.
> 
>  **i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you’re on, punk
> 
>  **Hubert von Vestra** : I look forward to it.
> 
>  **Diva Queen** : That was like watching a Doberman and a Chihuahua square up against each other...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who likes a chapter that is pure build up?
> 
> Because that's what this is :3

**[The Ladies of Garreg Mach – 1:34pm]**

**_Emperor Edelgard added ten others to the chat_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hello, ladies. It has come to my attention that we need a private space for us girls to hang out away from the boys. Nothing against them, but I can feel myself losing brain cells whenever they interact with each other.

**delicate flower** : I AGREE

**delicate flower** : CLAUDE

**delicate flower** : WHO GETS ENGAGED TO SOMEONE THEY’VE JUST GOT TOGETHER WITH???

**Diva Queen** : Good idea, Edie! Now we don’t have to watch Ferdie and Hubie juggle their single brain cell whilst they figure out how to admit their feelings.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Same with Felix and Sylvain.

**Mercie** : Yeah :<

**Annie** : I hope they get sorted out!

**Brigid Pride** : I am not understanding the juggling of a brain cell. Please explain?

**Diva Queen** : It’s a phrase, sweetie. It means that two people are so dumb around each other that it is like they are sharing a single brain cell.

**Brigid Pride** : Ah, I see! So it is like they are not understanding that they are feeling the romance, and so are having a single brain cell between them?

**Diva Queen** : Yes! Exactly!

**Bernie** : um... hi???

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hello, Bernadetta. You needn’t worry. Hubert is not here :)

**Bernie** : oh, okay!! :)

**Marianne <3**: I like this :)

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yeah, it’s nice to not be treated like a child every five minutes.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Makes a nice change of scenery, I suppose :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’m glad that you are all enjoying it :) Whilst you are all here, I wanted to discuss how in the name of Fódlan I’m going to get Ferdinand and Hubert to stop pining.

**Emperor Edelgard** : And Sylvain and Felix too, I suppose.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : About that...

**Annie** : Yeah, Sylvain confessed to Felix and got a black eye as a result :<

**Mercie** : At least he did something!

**delicate flower** : sorting them out will be another challenge altogether.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I see.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Well, does anyone have any ideas? I suggested the Hubert ask Ferdinand out on a date, and that didn’t work. Hubert is still just insisting that he wants nothing to do with him. 

**Diva Queen** : It is incredibly annoying.

**Marianne <3**: I don’t have any ideas, I’m afraid. I’m sorry.

**delicate flower** : no! don’t be like that, sweetheart!

**delicate flower** : but i have an idea!

**Annie** : Oh? Tell us :D

**Mercie** : Yes, tell us please :)

**delicate flower** : a scavenger hunt!

**Bernie** : a what?????

**Brigid Pride** : I am not understanding. Are we going to be hunting the scavengers? How will this help?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Yeah, hunting might not help out.

**delicate flower** : no, not that type of hunting! we split into teams and each of us has a list of items we have to retrieve from around the monastery, and the first team to do so wins!

**delicate flower** : but we could make it a bit more challenging to encourage teamwork!

**delicate flower** : like get a photo from the top of the goddess tower!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : it could work...

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : That sounds like fun!

**Marianne <3**: I’d like to join in, if I can be with Hilda.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I do like this idea, but let’s expand it slightly!

**Mercie** : Oh?

**Annie** : :O?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Let’s create a game that’s based on a series of rounds, and split it into boys vs girls. As there are thirteen boys and eleven girls, we will need to move the numbers around, but it could work!

**Diva Queen** : Ah! And the first round could be the scavenger hunt around the monastery! The first team to collect everything is the winner!

**Brigid Pride** : I would be liking that greatly!

**Bernie** : i... i want to join in!

**Mercie** : That sounds like good fun!

**delicate flower** : see, i told you :D

**Diva Queen** : Edie, I take it you won’t be taking part seeing as you have to organise it?

**Emperor Edelgard** : That’s right, and I will enlist some of the boys to help. In fact, if Dimitri and Claude plus another boy help out, then each team will have ten people each.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I shall message them right away and see what they say!

*

**[da boiz r back in town – 1:35pm]**

**_memelord added twelve others to the chat_ **

**memelord** : what is up my boiiiiz???!!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : ??

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Are we your boys?

**memelord** : you are ;)

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I know I am :)

**Caspar** : And the joke just goes over his head...

**Caspar** : Oh, do either of you have admin rights? Can you change my name to “Little King” please?

**_memelord changed Caspar’s name to Little King_ **

**memelord** : why?

**Little King** : Because I’m tiny and powerful, just like a king!

**Linhardt** : So you finally admit that you are short. About time.

**Little King** : Linhardt, don’t snatch my wig like that :(

**Beefy Boi** : Nice! A boys chat room!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : there’s no girls here :o

**Ashe** : No, I guess they would have their own chatroom :)

**Dedue** : Maybe so.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Lady Edelgard informed me that she made one of the ladies, and that I was forbidden from joining.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You get to hang out with me :D

**Hubert von Vestra** : Oh joy.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Hmm... I suppose it is only fair that the fairer gender have somewhere to hide away from the rabble.

**felix** : why am i here?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : because you love me?

**felix** : maybe.

**memelord** : anyway! i have a brilliant idea, to no one’s surprise.

**memelord** : things have been a little friendly. we need something to really get our competitive juices flowing. and i’m not just talking about interhouse contests, either.

**memelord** : im thinking girls vs boys.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : But there are thirteen of us and eleven of them.

**memelord** : i know. which is why if three of us sit out and one of them sit out, each team will have ten members.

**Ashe** : What games will we play? :o

**memelord** : all sorts. all to gather up points and win a prize of sorts.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Good idea, Claude! Who would sit out on our team?

**memelord** : you, me, and lorenz.

**memelord** : we need lorenz’s brains

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : AH! I see you are finally recognising my worth. Fear not! Leave the planning to me!

**memelord** : also because you’re a sore loser

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : :(

**Hubert von Vestra** : Must I participate in such foolish games?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You can stay by my side, if you wish?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I suppose it would be the whole experience more tolerable.

**felix** : hmm... as long as there is a fight somewhere, i'm in.

**memelord** : i'll see what i can do! i have a certain black eagles leader to speak to ;)

*

_**[private message from Emperor Edelgard to memelord – 1:39pm]** _

**Emperor Edelgard** : Claude, how would you like to help arrange a contest between the boys and girls of the Officers’ Academy?

*

_**[private message from memelord to Emperor Edelgard – 1:39pm]** _

**memelord** : edelgard, want to sort out a battle of the genders?

*

_**[private message from Emperor Edelgard to memelord – 1:40pm]** _

**Emperor Edelgard** : What?

*

_**[private message from memelord to Emperor Edelgard – 1:40pm]** _

**memelord** : what?

*

**[Officers Academy Boys vs Girls Challenge – 1:51pm]**

**_Emperor Edelgard added three others to the chat_ **

**memelord** : why can’t it be called battle of the genders?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Because.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Now, the four of us cannot compete in these challenges, nor can we show bias towards our own group. We are judges, and nothing more.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Agreed.

**It it I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Now, as much as I like being on this committee, I cannot help but feel like you have some ulterior motive.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Well, I suppose I do. It’s about trying to get Ferdinand and Hubert to actually be friendly with each other. I can’t stand them constantly glancing at each other and not making any moves.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Oh! That reminds me of Sylvain and Felix!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : As well as a certain someone we all know.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Anyway, I was thinking that the first round be a scavenger hunt, in with the teams have to collect certain items. I have come up with a list. What do you think about it?

* a training lance

* a training sword

* a training axe

* a training bow

* a photo from the top of the goddess tower

* a photo taken from behind a teacher (without them noticing!)

* a group photo with the gatekeeper (must have everyone in the photo!)

And each thing MUST have video evidence to show where they collected it from. That way, we can ensure that they aren’t cheating by stealing something from someone else.

**memelord** : seems a little simple, but it is a genius ruse! lure them with a false sense of security, and then bombard with the ultimate item!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Oh no...

**memelord** : a group photo with rhea

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I don’t think that’s such a good idea...

**Emperor Edelgard** : I really don’t think Rhea will be down for it...

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : What are you going to do? March up to Lady Rhea and ask her to join in this game?

**memelord** : oh ye of little faith ;)

*

**[Officers Academy Boys vs Girls Challenge – 2:06pm]**

_**[memelord posted a link: ye_of_little_faith.img]** _

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I stand corrected...

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:12pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hello, everyone! Dimitri, Claude, Lorenz, and myself have all be busy coming up with a challenge for everyone to take part in, as a way to further improve interhouse relations.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : These games are all in good fun :)

**memelord** : there’s a prize at the end for the winning team!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Please refrain from killing each other.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Our first challenge will be a scavenger hunt, in which the two teams need to work together to collect a series of items. It is going to boys vs girls. If anyone does not wish to take part, say so now.

**Hubert von Vestra** : As much as I would normally detest these sorts of childish antics, I find myself curious about these “games”.

**felix** : what’s the prize?

**memelord** : the losing team has to do the winning team’s chores for a month.

**felix** : i’m in, and i won’t lose.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : that’s the spirit, fe!!!

**Bernie** : i... i’ll dooo it too!!!

**Marianne <3**: As long as no one gets hurt...

**Mercie** : I’m sure it won’t be that bad :)

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : what other games are there?

**Beefy Boi** : Anything involving using my muscles???

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Us girls will not lose!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : if there’s a magic contest, i will win.

**Hubert von Vestra** : No, I will win.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you’re on, punk

**Hubert von Vestra** : I look forward to it.

**Diva Queen** : that was like watching a Doberman and a Chihuahua square up against each other...

**Brigid Pride** : I am having much excitement! When do these games begin?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Tomorrow morning. We have three games planned, but if everyone is having fun, we may add more!

**Linhardt** : Ugh, must I take part? There are so many better things to do. Like napping and reading. I’d rather not overexert myself.

**Little King** : Come on, Linhardt! Think about! No chores for a month! Think of all the reading you can do!

**Linhardt** : You do have a good point...

**Linhardt** : Very well. So long as I don’t have to do any heavy lifting.

**Dedue** : Leave that work to me.

**Beefy Boi** : And me!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : The boys have everything! Muscles, brains, charm, magic... There is no way we can lose!

**Diva Queen** : We have Hilda.

**delicate flower** : damn right!

**Diva Queen** : And Ingrid.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : If there is anything involving flying, you’re all screwed.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I will not back down so easily!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Ferdinand, please tone it down. Your enthusiasm is like looking at the sun.

**Emperor Edelgard** : And on that note, we shall resume this tomorrow! We don’t know how long it will take, so we’ll start at about 10am!

*

_**[private message from felix to Pegasus Knight 1180 – 2:31pm]** _

**felix** : ingrid.

**felix** : help me

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Oh? Are you okay, Felix?

**felix** : i may have... feelings.

**felix** : towards sylvain

**felix** : there, i said it

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Well done, Felix :) Why don’t you confess to him

**felix** : because he always has that stupid smile on his face that makes me want to punch him

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You mean the happy smile is that is full of love for you?

**felix** : ...

**felix** : i’ll be right back

*

_**[private message from Fresh Prince of Faerghus to memelord – 2:34pm]** _

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : So about our wedding...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this, I realised that all the ladies in the game are functioning adults, and all the boys share a brain cell.


	8. The Scavenger Hunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[House Leaders Group Chat – 7:23pm]**
> 
> **Professor Byleth** : Edelgard, Dimitri, and Claude. I must ask that you go to the training yard. I think I can hear... Throat singing? 
> 
> **Professor Byleth** : Very masculine sounding throat singing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this on the back of a long shift whilst slightly tipsy. 
> 
> Sorry, not sorry.

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 2:46pm]**

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : GUYS FELIX HAS TOLD ME HE LIKES ME!!!

**Ashe** : :O:O

**Ashe** : Well done!

**Dedue** : Congratulations, you two.

**Mercie** : I’m so happy for you!

**Annie** : Yes! About time :3

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : About time, indeed.

**felix** : guys its no big deal

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : but it is, fe!

**felix** : don’t call me that

**felix** : we’re not at nickname privileges yet

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : sorry :<

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Well done! I also have some exciting news!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You know how we’re learning about traditional Fódlan weddings in Religious Studies? Claude and I have volunteered to have a mock wedding during the next class! 

**Dedue** : This is exciting news, Your Highness. 

**Mercie** : Oh! That sounds wonderful! :D

**Annie** : Yeah, it does! :D

**Ashe** : Are we all invited???

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I assume so, if it’s taking place in class.

**felix** : hmph...

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : felix, will you be my plus one?

**felix** : i suppose so

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : <3

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Anyway, I suppose we should all prepare for the scavenger hunt tomorrow. It’ll be exciting, I promise! There’s some interesting things planned. You don’t need to do anything too strenuous to prepare, so just... Meet with your teammates and see how things go! :D

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You’re too chipper, Your Highness...

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : It’s a little weird...

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 4:09pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : I wonder if you three can clear something up for me. It appears as though the boys of your houses are all doing stretching exercises on the grass outside the classroom. They are being led by Ferdinand. Any ideas why?

**Emperor Edelgard** : We are holding a scavenger hunt tomorrow.

**Emperor Edelgard** : We told them to prepare, but it looks like they have taken it a bit too seriously.

**Professor Byleth** : I see.

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 4:12pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : I take it this is also why the girls are having a group meditation session by the fishing pond?

**Emperor Edelgard** : I would guess so.

*

**[The Ladies of Garreg Mach – 7:20pm]**

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Okay, ladies. The boys do not stand a chance against us, but we still cannot take them lightly. They are random and unpredictable. We must have a concrete game plan in order to win!

**Diva Queen** : I agree!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : As there are ten of us, we should divide into five pairs so we can cover more ground.

**Annie** : Oh! Mercie and I could be a team!

**Mercie** : If that’s alright with you, Ingrid?

**Diva Queen** : Bernie and I could pair up?

**Bernie** : ah! i promise not to get in your way!!!!

**Marianne <3**: I’d like to be with Hilda, if I may?

**delicate flower** : of course, sweetheart :3

**Captian Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Petra, how about we team up? We’re both highly spirited individuals, so we’ll be able to fetch the items in no time!

**Brigid Pride** : I am in agreeance. It would be nice to be working with you.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : That leaves me and Lysithea.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : if there’s anything on high shelves, you’ll have to reach it.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : No problem!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I wonder how the boys are getting on?

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 7:23pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Edelgard, Dimitri, and Claude. I must ask that you go to the training yard. I think I can hear... Throat singing? 

**Professor Byleth** : Very masculine sounding throat singing. 

**Emperor Edelgard** : Oh Gods, no...

**memelord** : it must be the boys. 

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Don’t worry, Professor. We’ll go investigate.

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 7:25pm]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You were right, Professor. All of them were throat singing as part of their “warm up process.” I may have told them to prepare, but I didn’t mean it like this!

**memelord** : i should have known that raph would be leading this... it has raph written all over it

**Emperor Edelgard** : We shall get them sorted out, Professor. Worry not.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat - 8:30pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, students. Evening prayers have started, so please keep any throat singing to a minimum. Thank you. 

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 10:02pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, students. Curfew is in effect, so sleep well and I hope your scavenger hunt goes well tomorrow :)

*

**_[private message from I am Ferdinand von Aegir to Hubert von Vestra – 3:37am]_ **

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubie, why are you loitering outside my door?

**Hubert von Vestra** : How did you know it was me?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I recognise your footsteps.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I cannot sleep. Where is that damned tea you like so much?

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:03am]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Good morning, everyone! The scavenger hunt will begin at 10:00am, so meet outside the classroom at 9:45am so we can tell you what it is you need to collect :)

*****

**_[private message from Little King to Emperor Edelgard – 9:07am]_ **

**Little King** : Lady Edelgard?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, Caspar?

**Little King** : I don’t want to alarm you, but both Ferdinand and Hubert have come out of the former’s room. Just thought I would let you know.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I see. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Caspar.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Pretend like nothing is going on. If you confront Hubert, he’ll deny it no matter what.

**Little King** : Got it!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:45am]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hello! Welcome to the scavenger hunt! I’m glad to see you all here and raring to go! Before I announce what you shall be collecting, there are some rules:

Rule One: NO CHEATING! Claude, Dimitri, Lornez, and myself will be stationed around the campus, so if anyone gets caught cheating, they will be immediately disqualified. If the whole team is caught cheating, the other team will automatically win.

Rule Two: Everything MUST have video evidence. When you are collecting the item, someone must record you. If there is any item that does not have video evidence, it will not count and you must collect a new one. If you’d like, you can send us the clip so that there is no confusion.

Rule Three: Some tasks require extra help. That extra help must be another student, as the four of us cannot help you out.

Rule Four: Some tasks require the rules to be... Fudged a bit. Do not get caught.

**Beefy Boi** : That sounds bad!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I don’t want to get into trouble!

**Bernie** : me neither!!!!

**Marianne <3**: I hope none of us get caught...

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am sure you will be fine. Now, onto the items you need to collect:

* a training lance

* a training sword

* a training axe

* a training bow

* a photo from the top of the goddess tower

* a photo taken from behind a teacher (without them noticing)

* a group photo with the gatekeeper (and you must have everyone in the photo

**memelord** : right, off you go!

**sylvain eyyy ;)** ; wait what???

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : We are off already?

**Beefy Boi** : But we’re not ready!!

**memelord** : better get a move on! the girls have started!

*

**_[private message from Fresh Prince of Faerghus to memelord – 10:00am]_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : The boys don’t stand a chance, do they?

**memelord** : nope.

*

**[The Ladies of Garreg Mach -10:01am]**

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Dorothea and Bernie, you get the training lance. Leonie and Petra, fetch the training bow. Annette and Mercedes, the training sword. And Hilda and Marianne, can you get the training axe? Make sure one of you records it all! Lysithea and I will get that photo from the top of the Goddess Tower. Send a message as soon as you’ve got it done, so that we can all meet up for the other photos!

**Diva Queen** : On it!

**Bernie** : alright!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Okay!

**Brigid Pride** : I will get the item!

**Mercie** : Let’s go, Annie :3

**Annie** : Yeah :3

**Marianne <3**: O-Okay...

**delicate flower** : good luck, girlies!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : let’s get this over with.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : It’ll be over before you know it.

*

**[da boiz r back in town – 10:05am]**

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Wait, I thought I was getting the lance?

**Little King** I said I would!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You did nothing of the sort!

**Beefy Boi** : I’ve got the axe!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Did you get the video?

**Beefy Boi** : Damn it!

**Linhardt** : Ugh, we’ve lost already.

**Ashe** : No, I’m sure we can make it work :)

**Dedue** : We just need teamwork.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Obviously, one of us has to take control. I suppose I will have to be the one to do so.

**Hubert von Vestra** : As usual.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Caspar, Ferdie, stop fighting about who fetches the lance and just take a video of the damn thing.

**Hubert von Vestra** : You two from the Golden Deer, fetch the axe and make sure you actually record it, please.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Those from the Blue Lions: get the bow and the sword. I don’t care who fetches what, just do it.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Linhardt, stop lazing about and actually do something useful for once. Ferdie, come with me to the top of the Goddess Tower so we can get that photo.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Okay :D As soon as I have the footage, I will come with you.

*

**[The Ladies of Garreg Mach – 10:05am]**

**Brigid Pride** : We have collected the object we needed.

**delicate flower** : same here!

**Annie** : Yep!

**Diva Queen** : Shall we post the videos to the main chat?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Yes. Lysithea and I are at the Goddess Tower, but we’re just... Occupied.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : this is prime blackmail material that we do not want to go to waste.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 10:06am]**

**_[Beefy Boi posted a link: got_the_axe.vid]_ **

**Beefy Boi** : Got one item!

**_[Linhardt posted a link: heres_a_lance_i_guess.vid]_ **

**Linhardt** : I guess we have two items now.

**memelord** : nice going!

**Emperor Edelgard** : You are more organised that I expected!

**Little King** : Hubert whipped us into shape!

**_[delicate flower posted a link: axe.vid]_ **

**_[Mercie posted a link: sword.vid]_ **

****

**_[Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice posted a link: bow.vid]_ **

****

**_[Diva Queen posted a link: lance.vid]_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Well done, ladies! You are certainly very organised!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : It seems the boys just have two more items to collect, and then both teams are neck and neck.

**It it I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : This is what happens when you take myself and His Highness out of the equation. They are utterly helpless without us.

**memelord** : what about me?

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : What about you?

**memelord** : Mayonnaise.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Do your worst.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Stop fighting, you two. How’s the rest of the hunt going, ladies?

**Mercie** : Ingrid said that she is busy doing something at the top of the Goddess Tower :O

**Annie** : I wonder what it could be :??

**_[felix posted a link: ugh.vid]_ **

**_[Dedue posted a link: i_have_the_bow.vid]_ **

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I guess we have all the items now!!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Excellent, both teams have collected the items. Now we just need the photos from the top of the Goddess Tower, the one behind a teacher, and the group photo with the Gatekeeper. Keep it up, everyone!

**Little King** : About that... Hubert and Ferdinand went up to the tower, and haven’t come back down.

**Dedue** : Hubert seemed to want Ferdinand to go up with him.

**Ashe** : What could it mean? :O

**Diva Queen** : ...

**Diva Queen** : I know exactly what is going on up there.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, me too.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I have heard the legend, but I thought it only applied during the month of Ethereal Moon?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Ingrid, just what is going on up there?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : THIS

**_[Pegasus Knight 1180 posted a link_ _:_ _HOLY_SHIT.vid]_**

****

**Diva Queen** : WTF?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What could they be doing up there ;)


	9. The Week Long Ban

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 10:56am]**
> 
> **Archbishop Rhea** : Professor Byleth, I heard that a fight broke out not long ago at the entrance of the monastery. Do you know why?
> 
>  **Professor Byleth** : Yes. The house leaders arranged for a boys vs girls scavenger hunt to take place around the campus, and the two teams were trying to compete over who got the group photo with the gatekeeper first. Things... Escalated, shall we say????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A new chapter that is out before one in the morning??? :O
> 
> Miracles do exist! 
> 
> Also, because there are SO MANY GROUPS NAMES, I've gone through and corrected them all, and then wrote them down so I can actually get them right: https://twitter.com/SlashBangHorror/status/1216421136441004033 (marvel at my bad handwriting!)
> 
> Sorry for any confusion caused by my inconsistent naming. Honestly, the fact that so many people have stuck around despite this is amazing and I love you all <3

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 10:07am]**

**Diva Queen** : WTF??

**Diva Queen** : HUBIE AND FERDIE????

**Little King** : Hubert’s finally done it!

**Linhardt** : Yes, at long last.

**Bernie** : aww they look so cute!!!

**Brigid Pride** : They are also having the gay? How many are there?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Well now, this is interesting. I see that Hubert is... Otherwise occupied. Shall we postpone the game for you? We can come back and do it some other time?

**Hubert von Vestra** : No need, Lady Edelgard. For you see, the ladies have activated my trap card.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Wait, what??? They’ve disappeared!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : AHHHHHHH

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : GHOSTSSSS!!!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : This must be one of Hubert’ tricks. Ladies, head to the front gate! We must get that photo with the gatekeeper before the boys do!!

*

**[da boiz r back in town – 10:08am]**

**Hubert von Vestra** : Gentlemen! To the gatekeeper! We will get that group photo whilst the ladies are still disoriented.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I am impressed, Hubie. You gave them the bait and switch.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Naturally. Did you expect anything less?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Of course not :) x

**Beefy Boi** : What shall we do with these weapons???

**Hubert von Vestra** : Dump them at the feet of the nearest leader you see, and get down to the front entrance.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : isn’t this classed as cheating??

**Hubert von Vestra** : Lady Edelgard didn’t explicitly state that I couldn’t teleport, so it’s not cheating.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It’s called using my powers to my advantage.

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : you have a point...

**felix** : enough talking. let’s just get this over with.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Right you are! Victory shall be ours!

**Linhardt** : We still need that photo with the teacher...

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : we’ll think about that later!

*

**[The Ladies of Garreg Mach – 10:09am]**

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : That sneaky son of a bitch!!

**Diva Queen** : That’s Hubie for you...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : get to the front gate!

**Marianne <3**: um... On my way!

**Bernie** : ahhhhh im going!!!!

**Brigid Pride** : This has turned into an excitement. It is making me feel the adrenaline! It makes me want to celebrate!

**Diva Queen** : Petra! Less dabbing, more running! We cannot let the boys get there before us!

**Annie** : Oh no! I think we’re too late!

**Mercie** : There they are!

*

**[Officers Academy Boys vs Girls Challenge – 10:10am]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : So, Hubert can teleport? How long has been able to do this?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Since he started practicing dark magic. It’s not something he likes to do a lot, because it requires a tremendous amount of concentration to pull off. For him to do it now, and take Ferdinand with him... He must be really desperate to win. Heh, and here I thought he wouldn’t be interested in this “childish game”.

**Emperor Edelgard** : And I know what you’re thinking.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I didn’t lay down any rules stating that he couldn’t teleport. I should have been more careful.

**memelord** : well, at least he’s schemin’ ;)

**Emperor Edelgard** : One schemer is enough...

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Everyone! A catastrophe has just unfolded at the front entrance!!

**_[It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester posted a link: send_help.vid]_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Oh no! This isn’t what I wanted to happen at all!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Why are they fighting?!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Something about them fighting over who gets a group photo with the gatekeeper first!

**memelord** : where’s the popcorn?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Claude!

**memelord** : i mean, oh no, how terrible.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : We are heading down there right away!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Please do!

*

**_[private message from Fresh Prince of Faerghus to Professor Byleth – 10:11am]_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : PROFESSOR

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : HELP

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : MARKETPLACE!!!

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 10:56am]**

**Archbishop Rhea** : Professor Byleth, I heard that a fight broke out not long ago at the entrance of the monastery. Do you know why?

**Professor Byleth** : Yes. The house leaders arranged for a boys vs girls scavenger hunt to take place around the campus, and the two teams were trying to compete over who got the group photo with the gatekeeper first. Things... Escalated, shall we say????

**Seteth** : That is putting it lightly.

**Seteth** : Nine students have had to be treated for injuries!

**Seteth** : Not to mention the chaos that has unfolded within the market.

**Flayn** : Oh my! I hope no one got seriously hurt :(

**Professor Byleth** : Rest assured, I have issued all those involved with the fighting with a week-long ban on the chat room, as well as extra chores and afterschool detention.

**Professor Byleth** : It won’t happen again.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 11:00am]**

**Professor Byleth** : I’m sorry, students. I’m afraid all of you are banned from the group chat for a week, as well as any other chatrooms you have started. If I find that you are using one, everyone using it will be banned for a month.

**Professor Byleth** : Some of you might want to take the time to fix your exam marks. Talking to you, Sylvain.

*

**_[One week later]_ **

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 3:45pm]**

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Ah! How nice it is to be back on here after a week of exile!

**Diva Queen** : Ferdie, we’re still in the same class. You saw us every day.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : To think that I, Ferdinand von Aegir, managed to endure that week of isolation. They should write songs about me!

**Diva Queen** : Hubie, what do you see in him?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I’m not entirely sure.

**Bernie** : ... hiii???

**Brigid Pride** : Welcome back, everyone. It is pleasing me to be seeing you on here again!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes. As nice as it was to have a week away, I’m glad that I can now effectively communicate with everyone again.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Now that we have this chatroom back, we must do everything we can to not get banned again. The next time something like The Incident happens again, we may not be so lucky. We could lose this chatroom for good. So we must do everything we can to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Understood?

**Little King** : Absolutely!

**Linhardt** : I suppose this does mean that I don’t have to actually see people to talk to them.

**Bernie** : s-same here! if it means i don’t have to leave my room, i’m happy!

**Brigid Pride** : I will be doing all I can.

**Diva Queen** : Same here. Don’t worry, Edie, you can count on us!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you, everyone :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : So who else is excited about the mock wedding tomorrow? I don’t usually bother with the Religious Studies class, but I might go along tomorrow to see Dimitri and Claude get “married”. Apparently, Hilda will be the maid of honour.

**Hubert von Vestra** : A wedding? It should be interesting to witness.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I shall also go! A noble wedding is always a sight to behold!

**Diva Queen** : You realise that it’s not a real wedding, right?

**Little King** : Knowing those two? It could be.

**Brigid Pride** : I am going to be learning about the traditional Fódlan wedding! It will be an experience for sure :)

**Bernie** : i’ll just stay in my room, if that’s okay with everyone???

**Linhardt** : I don’t do weddings.

**Little King** : Come on, Linhardt! Be my plus one?

**Linhardt** : I’ll pass, thank you.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Either way, it should promise to be an interesting occasion :)

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 3:47pm]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Hello, everyone!

**Ashe** : We are back! :D

**Dedue** : Indeed. I am pleased that we have this chatroom back.

**Mercie** : Same here :3

**Annie** : We saw each other all the time in class, but it’s so easy to just talk on here now! :D

**felix** : hmph

**felix** : i liked it better when i didn’t have to check my phone every five seconds

**felix** : it interfered with my training

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : Everyone, I wish to make an announcement. The week of exile we’ve had has made me realise the error of my ways. From now on, I will be the best person I can be. Starting with a name change.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : ...!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Who are you, and what have you done with Sylvain?

**sylvain eyyy ;)** : Well, I am with Felix now. It’s time I put my philandering days behind me and start afresh. Your Highness, please change my name to Sylvain Gautier.

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus changed sylvain eyyy ;)’s name to Sylvain Gautier_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Are you alright, Sylvain? Do you need to talk?

**Sylvain Gautier** : I’m alright, Your Highness. I am just turning over a new leaf. Making some new changes in my life. Just chill amongst the plants. 

**Dedue** : ...

**Ashe** : ...

**Mercie** : :o

**Annie** : Oooh, I’m so excited! There’s so many beautiful flowers growing in the greenhouse, Sylvain! Perhaps you can help me arrange them???

**Sylvain Gautier** : I’d be happy to help :)

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE REAL SYLVAIN???!!!

*

**_[private message from Pegasus Knight 1180 to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 3:59pm]_ **

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Your Highness, we need to do something about Sylvain!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Let’s just wait and see what happens. I am curious about this new change. If it means that Sylvain permanently gives up his skirt-chasing ways, then it is a good thing. Play it by ear, Ingrid.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Understood, Your Highness.

*

**_[private message from Dedue to Fresh Prince of Faerghus -3:59pm]_ **

**Dedue** : Your Highness, shall I go down to the greenhouse to keep an eye on Sylvain? Maybe he will tell Annette what has spurred on his sudden change in personality.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Please, but do not interfere. I want everyone to observe what is happening, and then I can make a rational decision based on the evidence.

**Dedue** : Of course, Your Highness.

*

**[house of memes – 4:00pm]**

**memelord** : golden deer, assemble!

**delicate flower** : here!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Right here!

**Beefy Boi** : Here!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : here

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : here :)

**Marianne <3**: Oh, I’m here too!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I am also present.

**memelord** : lorenz, you were meant to say “here”.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Like some schoolchild? I think not!

**delicate flower** : it’s so nice to be back here together :) now, let’s try not to get into a fight over who gets a photo WHICH I DEFINITELY DID NOT START

**memelord** : who did start the fight? no-one ever told me.

**delicate flower** : NOT ME

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : no-one really knows. the two teams saw each other by the gatekeeper and charged towards each other like it was a battle.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i stayed out the way so i wouldn’t get hurt.

**memelord** : huh.

**memelord** : i honestly did not think that that would happen

**Beefy Boi** : But it did!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It was honestly quite scary :o! 

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : It’s behind us now. I would quite like to resume the games, but I understand if that’s not possible.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I believe we should wait before engaging in any more tomfoolery.

**memelord** : besides, it’s my wedding tomorrow ;)

**Marianne <3**: Oh??

**memelord** : yes, mine and dima’s mock wedding during the religion class. something about needing to show off a fódlan wedding and dima volunteering us to do it.

**delicate flower** : im the maid of honour

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : It does sound like a lot of fun!

**Beefy Boi** : Hell yeah! Our little Claude is all grown up!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : its not gonna be real

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : But it may as well be. Honestly, the two of you were insufferable during the last week.

**memelord** : we’re about to be even more insufferable once we get married ;)

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Good Gods, no...

**memelord** : just you wait and see.

*

**_[private message from Dedue to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 4:13pm]_ **

**Dedue** : Your Highness, I do not know if we should be worried, but I have just seen Sylvain take a bite out of some weeds and say “four twenty blaze it”. Any ideas as to what it could mean?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : No, but I know someone who does.

**Dedue** : Claude?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Correct. He is well versed in the “slang talk”.

*

**_[private message from Fresh Prince of Faerghus to memelord – 4:14pm]_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude, do you know what “four twenty blaze it” means.

**memelord** : ...

**memelord** : dima, i don’t mind you smoking weed, just make sure you have a reputable supplier.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Is it not me, Claude! It is Sylvain. He has changed over the past week, and now has taken to eating the weeds.

**memelord** : don’t you do that?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : It was one time! Please, help us find out what is wrong with Sylvain.

**memelord** : don’t worry, dima. the brotherhood of chaos will get to the bottom of it! 

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Thank you, Claude <3

*

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 4:15pm]**

**memelord** : yo, sylvain.

**memelord** : what the fuck?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all!


	10. Alternate Timeline Theory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[Private message from Flayn to Seteth – 4:38pm]**
> 
> **Flayn** : Father! I need your help!
> 
>  **Seteth** : Flayn? Whatever is the matter? Are you hurt?
> 
>  **Flayn** : I am fine, but there is something happening at the greenhouse! Some students are all gathered around someone, sprinkling them with water and chanting something! And there are others who are trying to put a stop to it but they are not succeeding!
> 
>  **Seteth** : ...
> 
>  **Seteth** : Flayn, get away from the greenhouse. Seek refuge in the Cathedral. I will go track down Professor Byleth and get them to sort it out. This Devil worship cannot continue!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you get if you cross vodka with a fuck ton of FE3H news? 
> 
> You get this hot mess.
> 
> (EDIT: This chapter was also heavily inspired by this beautiful piece of fanart by Rubiarts: https://rubiarts.tumblr.com/post/186983907964/redrawriegan-is-going-around-on-twitter-so)

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 4:15pm]**

**Sylvain Gautier** : You don’t get it, Claude. I am one with nature now. And all that nature brings.

**memelord** : including the weeds?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Especially the weeds, man. They’re life’s own drug. And they grow everywhere, just waiting to be plucked and eaten. Or smoked.

**memelord** : sylvain, my dude, my guy, what happened to you D:

**Sylvain Gautier** : During our week long ban, I went on a lot of nature walks. I embraced the outside world. And, now that I am with Felix, I am ready to close the lid on the chapter of my life where I flirted with women for no gain apart from my own. Just want to start a new one. With no stress or responsibilities, you know?

*

**_[private message from memelord to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 4:16pm]_ **

**memelord** : dima, it’s bad.

**memelord** : he can still be fixed at this early stage

**memelord** : but we need to act fast.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : What do we do?

**memelord** : it’s simple, really.

**memelord** : we need to exorcise the demons from him.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I highly doubt he is possessed, Claude. I think we just need to sit down with him and talk it out. Figure out what is wrong and how we can fix it.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Please do not tell me that you are actually considering this???

*

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 4:19pm]**

**_memelord has removed Sylvain Gautier from the chat_ **

**memelord** : everyone, i had hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but it is time.

**delicate flower** : for what? what’s happened to sylvain???

**memelord** : all you need to know is that we must exorcise the demons from him.

**Hubert von Vestra** : An exorcism, you say?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I find myself intrigued.

**Beefy Boi** : Is he okay? :O

**Little King** : Yeah, wtf has happened to him? Last I heard he’d taken to eating the weeds.

**Bernie** : ahhhh!!!! is he going to possess me????? I DONT WANT TO BE POSSESSED!!!

**Little King** : It’ll be alright, Bernie. We can sort it out!

**memelord** : indeed. we just need to corner sylvain and remove the weed demon from within him.

**Beefy Boi** : I can hold him down!

**Little King** : Same here!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I know a few chants perfect for an exorcism.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Do not ask me why.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Or how I came about them.

**delicate flower** : i’m too afraid to ask...

**memelord** : excellent. now, last time i checked, sylvain was in the greenhouse. with any luck, he’s still there. for this to work, we also need some holy water and a cross. we don’t have any, but im sure the pond will do just fine! plus we can make the cross with our fingers.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Everyone, I promise, it’s not that bad. Sylvain may have changed a bit, but it isn’t worth getting all worked up over. We all just need to talk it out with him :)

**memelord** : alright, squad, move out!

*

**_[private message from Fresh Prince of Faerghus to Emperor Edelgard – 4:23pm]_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Edelgard! I need your help!

**Emperor Edelgard** : What’s the matter?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : During the week long ban, Sylvain has changed. He’s given up his skirt chasing ways, and has taken to eating the weeds from the greenhouse. I am sure that we just need to talk to him, but Claude seems convinced that he needs to be exorcised. I cannot change his mind! D:

**Emperor Edelgard** : Okay... So, where is he now?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : The greenhouse, I think. That’s where they said they would be gathering.

**Emperor Edelgard** : On my way.

*

**_[Private message from Flayn to Seteth – 4:38pm]_ **

**Flayn** : Father! I need your help!

**Seteth** : Flayn? Whatever is the matter? Are you hurt?

**Flayn** : I am fine, but there is something happening at the greenhouse! Some students are all gathered around someone, sprinkling them with water and chanting something! And there are others who are trying to put a stop to it but they are not succeeding!

**Seteth** : ...

**Seteth** : Flayn, get away from the greenhouse. Seek refuge in the Cathedral. I will go track down Professor Byleth and get them to sort it out. This Devil worship cannot continue!

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 4:42pm]**

**Seteth** : Hello, is Professor Byleth around? I cannot seem to find them anywhere. Not even at the fishing pond.

**Professor Hanneman** : Ah, the young Professor said that they will away for a few days. Something has cropped up that requires their attention.

**Professor Manuela** : Something about a fighting tournament? About how they were going to smash some brothers? Their exact words were: “Imma head out and smash some bros. Peace!”

**Seteth** : And Lady Rhea approved of this?!

**Archbishop Rhea** : I did not even know that the Professor had left the premises. They certainly did not say anything about it to me.

**Seteth** : Just when I need them. Never mind, you will have to do. I need you to come with me to the greenhouse. Something horrible is unfolding that needs our attention!

**Archbishop Rhea** : Of course. I will assist you in the matter.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:50pm]**

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Everyone! Lady Rhea and Seteth are heading this way!

**Ashe** : Hurry!

**memelord** : CODE RED!!

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 4:51pm]**

**Flayn** : I promise you, brother! I did not make it up. I saw what they did!

**Seteth** : I am sure you did not make anything up, Flayn. Those Devil worshipers are crafty. We will get them next time, do not worry!

**Archbishop Rhea** : Thank you for bringing it to our attention, Flayn. We will be more vigilant in putting a stop to such behaviour. The students are undoubtedly lost. We will take extra care to guide them on the right path.

**Seteth** : You are being incredibly lenient, Lady Rhea.

**Archbishop Rhea** : I am sure it is all a misunderstanding. So long as no one got hurt, we can put this to one side for now.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:55pm]**

**memelord** : phew, that was close.

**Sylvain Gautier** : What the fuck, dude? I’m like, covered in gross fish water now. I’m telling you man, I am A-Okay.

**memelord** : dammit we made him worse.

**Ashe** : At least we all made it out alright :)

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : the actual fuck has happened? all i heard was screaming and chanting from the greenhouse.

**Marianne <3**: Um... Something about an exorcism???

**Mercie** : Oh my! Who needed exorcising????

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Sylvain, apparently.

**felix** : hmph

**felix** : i prefer this new sylvain

**felix** : he’s not as insufferable

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Really, Felix? You prefer the weed-chomping Sylvain over the skirt chaser..

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Actually, yeah, I will take the stoner Sylvain over the womaniser.

**Annie** : He’s not hurting anyone, right????

**Sylvain Gautier** : Nah, man. I would never hurt anyone.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Love and peace, baby...

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am still very confused by all of this? How did this happen, and why did no one notice it happening?

**felix** : i noticed.

**felix** : i just didn’t say anything about it

**felix** : because i knew you would all just freak out about it

**Annie** : Oh, okay! :3

**Dedue** : If it is what you want.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Whilst I do think we should try to cut down on your weed eating, I suppose it will not hurt to give this new Sylvain a trial run.

**Ashe** : I’m sure we can work something out :D

**Sylvain Gautier** : Cheers, dude. You’re like, the best prince ever. And you, Ashe. You’re like... Da bomb. 

**Hubert von Vestra** : That is all well and good, but we are still missing the Professor.

**_I am Ferdinand von Aegir is online_ **

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Everyone! I have written up the first draft of my opera: Ferdinand in Isolation! A grand epic about one noble’s week alone!

**Linhardt** : Yes, they are nowhere to be found.

**Linhardt** : What?

**Linhardt** : I’m still here...

**Brigid Pride** : The Professor is missing? Have they been adultnapped?

**Diva Queen** : I don’t think so, sweetie. I’m sure the faculty would have let us know by know if that had happened.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hello?

**memelord** : wherever they are, they’d better be back in time for mine and dima’s wedding tomorrow.

**_Professor Byleth is online_ **

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, students! Sorry I went AWOL! Sothis told me about this fighting tournament, and I just had to take part. I’m going up against all these other people, many of them dressed just as ridiculous as me! There’s this opposite gender version of me, and I’ve got this crazy looking sword. Oh, and three Heroes’ Relics, as well.

**delicate flower** : um, professor? did you hit your head or something???

**_[Professor Byleth posted a link: ssmb.vid]_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Wait a minute? Is that... Is that Areadbhar?!

**memelord** : and failnaught?! where did you get that?!

**Emperor Edelgard** : And that axe?! Professor, what is going on?!

**Professor Byleth** : Sorry I won’t be back in time for the fake wedding tomorrow! It’s sort of a multi day thing. Right now I got to go fight this guy who says that’s he’s a prince, but his onesie is missing a sleeve. Laters!

**_Professor Byleth is offline_ **

**Bernie** : ummm....

**Bernie** : what just happened???????????

**Emperor Edelgard** : I wish I knew, Bernadetta. I wish I knew.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : No one wants to know about my opera? :(

**Hubert von Vestra** : I will hear it later. Once all this madness has died down.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : <3

**_Archbishop Rhea has joined the chat_ **

**Archbishop Rhea** : Hello, students. In light of the Professor’s absence, I shall be stepping in to teach. What is this I hear about a mock wedding taking place tomorrow?

**memelord** : dima and i are getting married.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Lady Rhea, Claude and I volunteered to demonstrate what a traditional Fódlan wedding looked like. The Professor was going to “officiate” the ceremony.

**Archbishop Rhea** : I see. Well, I would be more than willing to help out. Weddings are a precious occasion, after all.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : It’s not a real wedding.

**Dedue** : Even if His Highness is acting like it is.

**Brigid Pride** : It will bring much excitement!

**Archbishop Rhea** : Even so, we should treat it as such. It will be a wonderful ceremony, taking place in the cathedral. What time is it due to start?

**memelord** : in the morning, around 11am.

**Archbishop Rhea** : I shall be there :)

**_Archbishop Rhea is offline_ **

**Marianne <3**: That was really sweet of her :)

**_Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice is online_ **

**_It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester is online_ **

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : What the actual hell is going on here?

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : We go to train and we come back to find... This? Everyone explain.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Now.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:39pm]**

**memelord** : just got in touch with my grandfather, and he said that failnaught is still where it should be. it definitely not a fake because it glows and shit. so how did teach get a version????

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Same with Areadbhar...

**felix** : shut up

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:13pm]**

**memelord** : seriously, where the hell did they get it from?

**Diva Queen** : We don’t know, Claude. How about not worrying about it right now?

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 11:09pm]**

**memelord** : where?????

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Claude, were I not a holy man, I would have killed you right now. Go to bed!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:39am]**

**memelord** : I’VE CRACKED IT!

**_[memelord posted a link: alternate_timeline_theory.img]_ **

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : CLAUDE VON RIEGAN GO TO BED

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:45am]**

**_Archbishop Rhea is online_ **

**Archbishop Rhea** : Good morning, everyone. I shall be hosting morning prayers in fifteen minutes if anyone would like to join in. All are welcome :)

**Marianne <3**: Oh! I’ll join in!

**Mercie** : Same here :3

**Archbishop Rhea** : That is wonderful news. If anyone else wishes to join, they need only to go to the Cathedral.

*

**[house of memes – 9:06am]**

**memelord** : guys? did you see my whiteboard???

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : not like i had a choice...

**Beefy Boi** : I did :D

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : The ramblings of a madman...

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It was very... Creative.

**Marinanne <3**: um... we’re in class right now...

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Everyone quiet!

**delicate flower** : get off your bloody phone!!!

*

**_[Private message from memelord to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 9:12am]_ **

**memelord** : dima, i’ve cracked it

**_[memelord posted a link: alternate_timeline_theory.img]_ **

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 9:14am]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : So Claude has just sent me a photo of what he believes to be an alternate timeline theory...

**Dedue** : Your Highness, you should probably not be on your phone.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Yes, Your Highness.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Like, Your Highness... Emphasis on the word “high”. You need to chill...

**Annie** : shush!

**Mercie** : We shouldn’t be talking!

**felix** : i swear to fucking god.

**Ashe** : be quiet, everyone!!

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 9:20am]**

**Diva Queen** : Did anyone actually sleep last night? Claude was getting so worked up about the damn Failnaught mystery that I had to turn my phone off.

**Linhardt** : I did.

**Linhardt** : I sleep through everything.

**Little King** : Nope, didn’t hear anything.

**Bernie** : n-neither did i??? should i have???? im so sorry!!!!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Calm yourself, Bernadetta. What’s this about an alternate timeline theory??

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I have no idea, Lady Edelgard!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Claude seems to think that the Professor has stumbled into an alternate timeline, one where they have access to the Heroes’ Relics. A laughable idea, if you ask me.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Not that I paid much attention. I was too engrossed in Ferdie’s opera.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You are the gruff mage with a heart of gold who helps the hero through his arduous quest!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I’m flattered.

**Brigid Pride** : Guys? Shouldn’t we be paying the attention to our class?

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 11:01am]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Here it is, the mock wedding. Poor Dimitri looks so nervous. You’d think that it’s the real thing.

**Brigid Pride** : Dorothea’s singing is having the beauty :)

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : It is :) I can see why she was popular within the opera company.

**Ashe** : Dedue looks so proud standing next to His Highness!

**Little King** : And all the Golden Deer are groomsmaids/groomsmen.

**Bernie** : and hilda is the maid of honour!!!

**Linhardt** : Ah, I see I’m not missing anything.

**Mercie** : You’re missing so much!

**Annie** : It’s so lovely!

**Emperor Edelgard** : It is surprisingly nice, being here and surrounded by friends.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hold on...

**Emperor Edelgard** : WTF???

**_Professor Byleth is online_ **

**Professor Byleth** : WELCOME TO SMASH, PEOPLE!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I had to put comments on moderation, but there has been a lot of negativity around, and that is even before the news the Byleth has gotten into Smash. Once everything has died down, I will resume with unmoderated comments. I just don't need the negativity right now. 
> 
> Thank you everyone! :)
> 
> (also, I have a theory that in private chat, Flayn has no reason to hide her true relationship with Seteth, hence the reason she calls him different things :))


	11. Garreg Mach Fight Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[The Official Officers’ Academy Group Chat – 3:30pm]**
> 
> **memelord** : they’re really going for it, huh?
> 
>  **Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : They show no signs of stopping!
> 
>  **memelord** : i asked for a simple spar, not a wrestling match!
> 
>  **felix** : shut up.
> 
>  **felix** : let them fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE BIG ONE
> 
> Seriously, this chapter is over 4,000 words. I started writing and then just carried on going. 
> 
> Whoops??

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:18pm]**

**Archbishop Rhea** : Hello, students. Because of Professor Byleth’s ongoing involvement with this fighting tournament, the faculty has chosen to split the Blue Lions house so that they are not missing out on their education. Rest assured, Professor Hanneman and Professor Mauela will treat the Blue Lions as their own students, and they will receive the same education as the Golden Deer and Black Eagles. This is only a temporary measure until Professor Byleth has returned.

**Archbishop Rhea** : Any questions?

**memelord** : yeah, can i get dimitri?

**Archbishop Rhea** : I will allow the student to choose which house they want to share with. Provided that it is okay with the rest of the students, that is. Decide amongst yourselves who wants to in which house, and let us know. Classes are dismissed for the rest of the day, and will resume tomorrow.

**Archbishop Rhea** : I must stress that this is only a temporary solution, as hopefully the Professor will return from their fighting tournament soon. And also, I ask that you continue on as normal. As exciting as this fighting tournament is, please do no attempt to hold your own.

**_Archbishop Rhea is offline_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I would be delighted to join the Golden Deer house. Even if it is only a few days.

**Dedue** : I will accompany you, Your Highness.

**felix** : i will choose the black eagles

**Sylvain Gautier** : Me too, man. Gotta keep an eye on you.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Then I suppose I should join the Black Eagles. Sorry, Your Highness, but I have to keep both Sylvain and Felix in line.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I do not blame you, Ingrid. You do what has to be done. Ashe, Mercedes, Annette, where so you wish to go?

**Mercie** : Wherever I’m needed :3

**Annie** : Same here :D

**Ashe** : I guess I could join the Black Eagles, so Mercedes and Annette don’t have to split up :o I don’t mind staying with Sylvain, Felix, and Ingrid.

**Emperor Edelgard** : That is very noble of you, Ashe. The Black Eagles would be honoured to have you.

**Little King** : Yeah! We could us another archer!

**Bernie** : oh no, are you going to replace me??? im sorry, i know i shouldn’t be here! just tell me that you are getting rid of me and i will out of your way forever!!!!!

**Little King** : I didn’t mean it like that, Bernie!

**Hubert von Vestra** : No one is replacing you, Bernadetta. Unless you wish to change houses?

**Bernie** : oh no!!! you do want to get rid of meeeee!!!!

**Linhardt** : Stop confusing her.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Calm yourself, Bernadetta. No one is replacing you. Sylvain Felix, Ingrid, and Ashe. I would like to welcome you to Black Eagles. It may only be temporary, but I will do everything I can to make you feel welcome.

**memelord** : sweet, then it’s sorted. welcome, honorary golden deer!

*

**[house of memes – 12:30pm]**

**memelord** : alright, listen up people! we’re getting extra people in our house, so don’t frighten them. be on your best behaviour, because we’ve got the head lion himself!

**delicate flower** : aka your husband

**memelord** : exactly!

**memelord** : and some extras!

**memelord** : marianne, you can share tips on how to heal people with mercedes.

**Marianne <3**: O-Okay!

**memelord** : raph, you can train with dedue.

**Beefy Boi** : Nice!

**memelord** : and lysithea, finally you have someone who is just as small as you.

**_memelord added Fresh Prince of Faerghus, Dedue, Mercie, and Annie to the chat_ **

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you’re on thin fucking ice, claude

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : welcome, your highness!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : What has Claude done now?

**memelord** : nothing <3

**Annie** : Hi!! Thank you so much for letting us join your class! I know it’s only for a short while, but I am so looking forward to spending time with you all! This is so exciting!

**Mercie** : Indeed! This will be incredibly fun!

**Dedue** : So long as everyone cooperates, I see no reason this could end badly.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : new people! hello!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Nice, some more people to train with. I look forward to sparring with you, Your Highness.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : If that is okay with you, of course!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Finally, someone with actual leadership skills and class befitting royalty. It is an honour to have you, Prince Dimitri.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Please, Dimitri is fine. Or Your Highness, if you really want to. I may be the prince, but I am also just a regular student. And it would be nice to spar with some different people!

**delicate flower** : so, your highness, about the wedding... wtf happened? i saw the professor crash into the cathedral, get into a fight with some guy with white hair, and then disappear.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : that “guy” was called robin, and he was a mage from a far off land who has taught me a few things about magic.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : claude.

**memelord** : would you really kill me with my boyfriend/husband around?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yes.

**memelord** : :(

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Let’s not argue. Instead, I am quite interested in getting to know my new house. What do you say we all go get some tea somewhere? It is a nice day, after all.

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 12:36pm]**

**_Emperor Edelgard added felix, Sylvain Gautier, Pegasus Knight 1180, and Ashe to the chat_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Everyone, I would like to welcome our newest members. They will not be here for long, but I want everyone to treat them as our own.

**Brigid Pride** : We are having the guests? I shall be treating them with the honour!

**Diva Queen** : Ingrid! So lovely to see you again, my dear.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Hello, Dorothea. I’m mainly here so I can keep an eye on Sylvain and Felix. But it is really nice to see you!

**Diva Queen** : Don’t worry about. Us girlies have more brain power than the rest of the boys combined <3

**Little King** : Hey!

**felix** : you.

**Little King** : Me?

**felix** : yes, you. spar with me. i want to see if you’re as a strong as they say you are.

**Little King** : You’re on!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Oh, joy. They’re already sizing up each other’s “talent”.

**Hubert von Vestra** : How tedious.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I have a feeling there was a euphemism somewhere.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Believe what you want.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Sylvain, it has been a while since our last chess match. How about a rematch?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Like, sure, dude.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Bernadetta, why don’t you and Ashe go practice your archery together?

**Bernie** : oh... okay!!!

**Ashe** : That sound like a great idea :)

**Linhardt** : Oh, we didn’t get the Blue Lions healer? A shame.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Linhardt, stop trying to avoid your duties.

**Linhardt** : I’m not, it’s just that she has such an interesting Crest that requires further study.

**Hubert von Vestra** : You say that about every Crest, you fool.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Anyway, welcome! I sincerely hope that you all feel welcome and that you don’t feel too house sick. That said, you still have your individual Blue Lions group chat, and you are welcome to continue eating with your friends who have gone into the Golden Deer. I just hope that you will enjoy your time studying here :)

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 1:09pm]**

**memelord** : guys

**memelord** : i have been thinking about what rhea said

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : No.

**Emperor Edelgard** : No?

**Emperor Edeglard** : What have you got planned, Claude?

**memelord** : hear me out.

**memelord** : a fighting tournament of our own. no interhouse competition or battle of the genders. just a straight up competition to determine who is the best fighter.

**memelord** : we could call it: FIGHT CLUB

**Emperor Edelgard** : No, Claude. Remember what happened when we got into a fight during the scavenger hunt? We were banned for a week!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I agree. I’m sorry, Claude, but I do not think that this is a good idea.

**memelord** : but guys! it’ll be an officially endorsed fighting tournament. well, not actually endorsed, but it could be so much fun!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Claude, there are so many different fighting styles out there. It’ll be impossible to fully determine who is strongest of us all.

**memelord** : it’s worked for smash.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : But... That’s different.

**memelord** : teach, a sword user, was up against a mage.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I see your point...

**Emperor Edelgard** : Gods, Dimitri, not you too.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’m sorry, Edelgard, but I am in his room right now and he is giving me puppy dog eyes.

**_[Fresh Prince of Faerghus posted a link: puppy_dog_eyes.img]_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I can’t say no to that look. 

**Emperor Edelgard** : No, you would have to be heartless to say no.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I suppose we could hold different tournaments for people and their strengths. Have a magic tournament, a bow tournament, etc.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Damn you, Claude. I did not want to be dragged into this mess.

**memelord** : >;3

**Emperor Edelgard** : If we get caught, I do not know you.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 1:15pm]**

**memelord** : people! i have an idea!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : oh no

**memelord** : a fighting tournament!

**Linhardt** : Sounds taxing.

**memelord** : a chance to prove that you are best in your particularly strength!

**Beefy Boi** : I’m in :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It could be a good idea!

**Hubert von Vestra** : A chance to prove that I am the best in dark magic?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I will do it.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you don’t stand a chance against me.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I accept.

**Diva Queen** : Surely a black magic contest would be better?? That way more people can join in :)

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i don’t know any black magic spells.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Neither do I. But I am sure Lysithea and I can take part in our own little fighting tournament.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i wont hesitate.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : bitch.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I don’t expect you to.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : How about this? All magic users compete in one tournament, and all physical weapon users take part in another?

**memelord** : nice one, dima! :3

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : It could work, but there are an uneven number of physical to magical users. I suppose I could join the magic users to make the numbers even. That would mean that there are eight mages and sixteen regular fighters. Sound good?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Are we really doing this? After Lady Rhea forbade us?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Are you going to listen to her?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Fair point.

**Emperor Edelgard** : If we get caught, blame Claude.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : How about we just say we’re having a light sparring match. It is technically the truth :)

**Annie** : Sounds good!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : A noble never backs down from a challenge!

**Marianne <3**: um... I’m not so good with fighting I’m afraid...

**delicate flower** : come on, marianne! it’ll be fun! :D

**Marianne <3**: If you say so...

**memelord** : then it is settled!

**memelord** : to the training grounds!

**Diva Queen** : What, right now? But Edie and I have just painted our nails and I do not want her to get them chipped, thank you very much.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Wait a while, Claude. At least until I have finished braiding your hair.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : That sounds cute!

**felix** : gay

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Says the boy who’s currently sitting on Sylvain’s lap.

**felix** : shut up.

**Brigid Pride** : How will we decide the winner? Does the winner of a match move forward?

**Linhardt** : That is generally how a competition works, yes.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Don’t worry, Petra. You will pick up the rules soon enough :)

**Bernie** : um.... can i... CAN I JOIN IN THE NAIL PAINTING PLEASE?????

**Diva Queen** : Of course! Come over to my room, sweetie. I’ve got the most gorgeous purple that will suit you perfectly :)

**delicate flower** : do you have pink?

**Diva Queen** : Every shade of pink under the sun :)

**delicate flower** : i’m coming over to. right, marianne?

**Marianne <3**: I suppose that would be nice :)

**Diva Queen** : Yes! A girlie makeover session :3

**Brigid Pride** : I would be liking to learn about the art of nail painting. Is this a Fódlan tradition??

**Diva Queen** : Yep!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Am I invited?

**Diva Queen** : Are you a girl?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I can be??

**Diva Queen** : Sure, why not?

**memelord** : alright, so meet at 3? that enough time for your nails to dry?

**Diva Queen** : No problem!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:00pm]**

**memelord** : welcome, everyone, to fight club.

**memelord** : rules are simple.

**memelord** : do not talk about fight club.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Just get on with it before I kill you.

**memelord** : alright, i’m going to randomise pairings so no one can bitch about me choosing favourites.

**memelord** : and you fight to disarm! no injuries please otherwise i will be murdered by rhea

**memelord** : we shall start with...

**memelord** : edelgard and ingrid

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Okay, no problem.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Do not hold back, Ingrid. Let me feel your true strength!

**memelord** : go!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Ingrid is a fearsome warrior. I do hope she does alright.

**felix** : she’ll be fine.

**Annie** : Come on, Ingrid! :D

**Little King** : Oooh, Edelgard’s got a hit in!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Naturally.

**Linhardt** : Hmm... It is still very close.

**Bernie** : edelgard’s gonna win, right????

**Mercie** : Either way, I hope that they have fun :)

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:05pm]**

**Little King** : They’re still going...

**Beefy Boi** : Look at them go!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : surely they must be out of breath by now???

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Ingrid has quite a lot of stamina.

**Sylvain Gautier** : She’s like... Got to run out soon.

**memelord** : and ingrid is out! tough fight, with edelgard narrowly scrapping the win.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you, Ingrid, for being a truly formidable opponent. You made me work for this victory.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough.

**Emperor Edelgard** : You were plenty strong enough. Perhaps we can spar again some time?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Of course, Lady Edelgard :)

**memelord** : next up! dima and hilda.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Hilda, I have heard about your strength in combat from Claude. Do not hold back.

**delicate flower** : ugh, fine. but i am still a delicate flower!!!

**memelord** : go!

**memelord** : ...

**memelord** : oh, it’s over already...

**Beefy Boi** : :O

**felix** : hmph. that’s the boar for you!  
  


**Marianne <3**: oh my!!!

**Linhardt** : Fascinating. So this is the legendary Crest of Blaiddyd in action. His Highness completely snapped the axe in half with one swing.

**delicate flower** : eh, my mind wasn’t really into it.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I apologise, Hilda. I sometime forget how strong my Crest can be. We can have a rematch, if you wish?

**delicate flower** : nope, i’m good. onto the next match!!!

**memelord** : just so you can lounge around and do nothing.

**delicate flower** : so i can pamper my girlfriend, claude. like how you’re now braiding dimitri’s hair.

**memelord** : anyway! next match is ashe vs myself.

**Ashe** : Oh! At least I can put my archer skills to the test!

**memelord** : give it your all!

**felix** : ashe is going to fucking die

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:08pm]**

**felix** : told you

**Ashe** : That was incredible! To have the chance to fight against such a capable archer! I feel honoured!

**memelord** : you did good, ashey boy. practice your aim a bit more, and you’ll go far!

**Ashe** : Thank you! I will train hard so that one day, I may best you!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Well done, Ashe!

**Dedue** : You did well.

**Annie** : So well! Shame you were up against, you know...

**Mercie** : As long as we’re all having fun :)

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Of course Claude was going to win.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yeah, it was a given.

**memelord** : next, sylvain and petra!

**Brigid Pride** : I will get the victory!!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Bring it on, dude...

**Brigid Pride** : Dude? What is a dude?

**memelord** : go!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:10pm]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Sylvain has been slacking on his training, I see.

**felix** : he’s sloppy.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : It is like he is handing Petra the victory.

**memelord** : and petra emerges victorious and moves onto the next round!

**Brigid Pride** : I thank you :)

**felix** : sylvain

**Sylvain Gautier** : Listen man...

**felix** : get your shit together.

**memelord** : next up! leonie and felix

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Nice! I have been waiting for a challenger such as Felix to come along.

**felix** : do not disappoint me.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I wouldn’t dream of it.

**memelord** : go!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:13pm]**

**Beefy Boi** : Look at her go!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : She’s doing do well!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I cannot believe it... She is actually beating Felix.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : What is happening?!

**memelord** : fear the deer.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I always knew Leonie was someone special. She trains so hard that it is impossible for her to not win.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Felix trains a lot, too.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : And yet he is losing to her!

**memelord** : and leonie is the winner!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : See? Nothing to it.

**felix** : you beat me.

**felix** : i like your fighting style. we shall have spar again soon.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Yes. You’ve given me a challenge I shall not soon forget.

**memelord** : next up! raph and bernadetta.

**Bernie** : you win, i fold. you’re the winner! can i go now please???

**Emperor Edelgard** : Do not worry, Bernadetta. You do not have to fight if you do not wish to.

**Bernie** : Phew!!!!!

**memelord** : raph wins by default, then.

**Beefy Boi** : Nice!

**Bernie** : Not nice! You were going to crush poor Bernie into a pulp!!!!

**memelord** : next! dedue and caspar!

**Little King** : Alright!

**Dedue** : I accept your challenge. I hope I do not hurt you too much.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Does Caspar not realise that Dedue has a significant height advantage?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Evidently not.

**memelord** : go!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:16pm]**

**memelord** : and it is a win by the dedue!

**Dedue** : Thank you. Caspar, I hope you are not too hurt?

**Little King** : You kidding me? Still got plenty of fight in me!

**Dedue** : But you are disarmed?

**Little King** : Yeah, I know. But that was still fun!

**Mercie** : Well done, Dedue!

**Annie** : So proud of you!

**Dedue** : Thank you, everyone.

**memelord** : this leave ignatz and ferdinand von aegir **.**

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : This hardly seems fair. An archer against a lance user. I cannot let this match proceed in good faith.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : i don’t mind!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : No, I refuse to fight. I forfeit.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : No, it’s alright. I’ll forfeit. You deserve it more than I do.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Nonsense! You are more worthy of it than I!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : But you are a more capable fighter!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Oh, for Gods sake.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Settle it with rock paper scissors or something.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Oh, okay!

**memelord** : go!

**memelord** : scissors beats paper, which means ferdie is through!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I am sorry, Ignatz.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : don’t be! it’s fine, really! :)

**Diva Queen** : What’s next? The quarter finals?

**memelord** : exactly!

**memelord** : pairs are once again randomised, and... it is leonie vs ferdie!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Okay!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Two lances users competing. I will not hold back!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Good! Because neither will I!

**memelord** : go!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:21pm]**

**Hubert von Vestra** : Another close match, but it does appear as thought Ferdinand is winning.

**Beefy Boi** : Because he didn’t fight!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Leonie did go against Felix. Cut her some slack.

**Emperor Edelgard** : She is still fighting with all she has. I applaud that.

**Marianne <3**: But it doesn’t look like it is enough.

**Mercie** : She looks exhausted :(

**delicate flower** : and she’s lost.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I’m sorry, everyone. I’m still tired from sparring with Felix. I couldn’t keep it up.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You were still a tough opponent. Had you not been worn down, you surely would have won!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Rematch sometime?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Of course!

**memelord** : next up! raphael and dedue!

**Little King** : Battle of the titans!

**felix** : this’ll be interesting.

**Beefy Boi** : It’s hammer time!

**Dedue** : I will succeed!

**memelord** : go!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:30pm]**

**memelord** : they’re really going for it, huh?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : They show no signs of stopping!

**memelord** : i asked for a simple spar, not a wrestling match!

**felix** : shut up.

**felix** : let them fight

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:35pm]**

**Sylvain Gautier** : Wow, dude. They’ve been going to agggggges.

**Mercie** : Look at them!

**Annie** : Oh, I can’t tell who’s going to win...

**Emperor Edelgard** : I think we have a winner!

**memelord** : raph is the winner!

**Dedue** : I am sorry, Your Highness. I am still tired from fighting with Caspar.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You did well, Dedue. Sit down and take a breather.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : raph!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Oh, dear.

**Bernie** : oh no!!!!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : It looks like Raphael has fainted due to overexertion. He really didn’t want to lose.

**Marianne <3**: What do we do now?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Someone else drops out?

**memelord** : we will think about that later.

**memelord** : for now, it is myself vs petra!

**Brigid Pride** : I am having a suggestion. Claude, I have been seeing you fight with a sword. How about a sword fight?

**memelord** : i’m no master, but sure! i’ll give it a try!

*

**_[private message from I am Ferdinand von Aegir to Emperor Edelgard – 3:36pm]_ **

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Is everyone throwing the competition so that Dimitri and Claude have to fight? I have never seen Petra perform this badly.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Genius!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I shall be up against Dimitri. With that Crest of his, he’ll likely win anyway. I just need you for forfeit so that it’ll be just the two of them left.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Why are you doing this?

**Emperor Edelgard** : It was their idea in the first place. Why not let them go against each other?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Are you sure His Highness will go ahead with the fight?

**Emperor Edelgard** : If he doesn’t, then it isn’t my problem. Look, Petra has deliberately made it so that Claude could disarm her. We discussed this during our makeover session.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You sneaky little minxes. I wondered what you were all discussing!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’ll admit that the plan has worked in our favour. We got lucky with the rolls. Very lucky. It could have easily gone another way.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:38pm]**

**Brigid Pride** : I am sorry, Lady Edelgard. I do not know what has happened to me.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Do not fret, Petra. I’m proud of you. Dimitri, let’s spar.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I suppose it has come to this. You and I, Edelgard. Let us fight with all we have!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I expect nothing less.

**delicate flower** : oh no, it’s such a strange coincidence that it’s just the house leaders left.

**Diva Queen** : No one could have ever seen this coming.

**delicate flower** : and if dimitri wins...

**Diva Queen** : And Ferdie just do happens to drop out...

**memelord** : the fuck are you guys planning.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:41pm]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Edelgard! I am sorry about that. I lost myself in the heat of battle!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Do not worry, Dimitri. I have seen the power of the Blaiddyd Crest for myself. It is incredibly inspiring.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Oh, woe is me! I have suddenly come down with the most awful illness! My head, it is pounding!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Stop draping across my lap like I am some fainting couch. And why are your nails ruby red?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I am simply too ill to continue! I must retire from the competition.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Really? I guess that means it’s just Claude and myself, then.

**memelord** : ...

**memelord** : YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dimitri vs Claude, who will win >;3


	12. Local Emperor Calls For Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : What is happening?!
> 
>  **Dedue** : It seems that the grass is now on fire.
> 
>  **delicate flower** : OH GOD, EVERYTHING’S ON FIRE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back with another chapter that is pure build up???
> 
> It's me!

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:41pm]**

**memelord** : WTF GUYS

**memelord** : why????

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’m sorry, Claude, but this was your idea. You suggested this, so it’s only fitting that you be in the final.

**Diva Queen** : And go against your husband

**Brigid Pride** : Husband?

**Brigid Pride** : When did they get married?

**Diva Queen** : During the mock wedding.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : we just calling them husbands now?

**delicate flower** : yes

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : fair

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude, I understand perfectly if you do not want to fight. Do you wish to withdraw?

**memelord** : i hate you all

**memelord** : fine, i’ll go against dima

**memelord** : happy now?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Go.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Fight for my amusement.

**Diva Queen** : Look at them go...

**Bernie** : ahh.... i don’t want either of them to get hurt....!!!

**Marianne <3**: Me neither...

**Mercie** : I doubt they’ll hurt each other on purpose :3

**Annie** : His Highness is holding back :O

**Dedue** : Probably so he doesn’t injure Claude.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Hmph. If I were him, I would go all out.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Even against me?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Yes.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : oi

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you still owe me a duel

**Hubert von Vestra** : I owe you nothing.

**Hubert von Vestra** : But I accept.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Claude is also holding back...

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : What on Earth is Claude doing?! He’s letting himself be backed into a corner.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Oh no...

**delicate flower** : i know what he’s doing...

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : He’s throwing it on purpose.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Of course he is.

**Brigid Pride** : ?

**Brigid Pride** : Why is His Highness pointing the lance under Claude’s chin?

**Little King** : What are they...

**Little King** : Never mind then.

**delicate flower** : of fucking course

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : oh!

**Beefy Boi** : Yeah!!!

**Linhardt** : Called it.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : How disgraceful! Do they not know that they are in a public area?!

**felix** : says the guy who’s draped over hubert’s lap

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Says the boy who is snuggled up against Sylvain’s chest.

**felix** : this is different

**Annie** : Oh, they are really doing it, huh?

**Mercie** : Perhaps we should leave and come back some other time?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Yes.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Leave the lovebirds to it.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hubert. you. me. magic duel. now.

**Hubert von Vestra** : As you wish.

**Marianne <3**: Um... Please don’t kill each other.

**delicate flower** : or destroy the place.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Let’s go, man!

**Ashe** : Be careful!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:48pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Please, I must ask that you reconsider. Dark magic is highly unstable!

**Hubert von Vestra** : We will only be using the weakest form.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : a couple of miasmas shouldn’t hurt

**Emperor Edelgard** : Please, this can only end badly!

**Diva Queen** : Everyone stand back!

**Linhardt** : I suppose I’m ready to heal if anyone gets seriously injured.

**Mercie** : Same here!

**Marianne <3**: And me!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hubert, are you ready?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Of course. Ready yourself, Lysithea!

**Emperor Edelgard** : No!!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Watch out!

**felix** : WTF GUYS

**Ashe** : Oh no!

**Annie** : Look out!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Watch out for the weeds, dude!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : What is happening?!

**Dedue** : It seems that the grass is now on fire.

**delicate flower** : OH GOD, EVERYTHING’S ON FIRE

**memelord** : WHAT

**Linhardt** : Fascinating. So that is what happens when two dark spells collide with each other.

**Diva Queen** : Lin! Not the time!

**Marianne <3**: I don’t know any water spells!!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : What do we do??!

**Beefy Boi** : It’s spreading rapidly D:

**Emperor Edelgard** : I told you not to do this!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Lysithea, shall we call it a draw?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : lets

**memelord** : that’s all well and good, but the grass is literally burning right now!

**Hubert von Vestra** : It’s just a few flames.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I wouldn’t call this “a few flames”, Hubert!

**Bernie** : oh godsss what do we dooo????

**Diva Queen** : Water! Now!

**Bernie** : oooh okay!!!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : We need buckets of water from the fishing ponds!

**Brigid Pride** : Oh, Flame Spirit above! Watch over me!

**Diva Queen** : Petra!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : The water isn’t doing anything!

**delicate flower** : OH GODS, WHY WON’T IT EXTINGUISH!!

**_Archbishop Rhea is online_ **

**Archbishop Rhea** : Students, I have good news. Professor Byleth is due to return in a couple of days. In the meantime, can someone tell me why there is smoke coming from the Officers Academy?

**memelord** : LADY RHEA.

**memelord** : HELP.

**memelord** : GRASS BURNING.

**Archbishop Rhea** : I see. Let me assist you.

**memelord** : THANK YOU.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:01pm]**

**Archbishop Rhea** : Now that the situation has been dealt with, can someone explain what happened?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : spell practice got out of hand

**Hubert von Vestra** : Black magic doesn’t come naturally to us. We thought it would be safe to try a single fire spell.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Obviously, it wasn’t.

**Archbishop Rhea** : There is no need to lie, students. You decided to have a dark magic duel using miasma, correct?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : ...

**Archbishop Rhea** : Dark magic is a powerful force, hence why the flames would not extinguish using ordinary water. You are lucky that you used the weakest form. Any stronger, and you would have destroyed the classrooms.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i’m sorry

**Hubert von Vestra** : I apologise. It won’t happen again.

**Archbishop Rhea** : See to it that you don’t. If you wish to practice, head to the old chapel just off the grounds. The buildings there are already in ruins, so there is no risk of destruction.

**Mercie** : How were you able to put out the flames? :O

**Archbishop Rhea** : Powerful white magic far beyond what we teach you here at the academy. One day, when you are more experienced, you may be able to learn it.

**_Archbishop Rhea is offline_ **

**Marianne <3**: She’s so nice.

**memelord** : she definitely puts up our shit way too much

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Apologies, everyone. I guess I got a little caught up in the fight.

**felix** : you did

**Sylvain Gautier** : I could, like, see tongue and stuff.

**delicate flower** : gross

**Mercie** : So what now?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Fix the grass?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I don’t know... Cast healing spells?

**Bernie** : perhaps we should just hide away somewhere...

**Bernie** : yeah, that sounds like a great idea!!!

**Bernie** : nice one, bernie!!!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I agree. We have the rest of the day off, so let’s just do our own thing and try not to get into any trouble!

*

**_[private message from Fresh Prince of Faerghus to memelord – 4:03pm]_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I hope you are not too embarrassed by what happened at the training grounds.

**memelord** : of course i wasn’t <3

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You just looked too adorable, wielding your sword like that. I’m sorry if I overstepped a boundary.

**memelord** : don’t be, cause you didn’t <3

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Phew, I am relieved :)

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:19pm]**

**memelord** : guys?

**memelord** : i’ve been thinking about that alternate timeline theory...

**Diva Queen** : Not this again...

**memelord** : i mean it. how the hell did failnaight get duplicated and end up in the hands of teach? can they even use it?

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Glouctester** : I don’t know, Claude. Ask the professor when they get back. In the meantime, please give it a rest.

**memelord** : hey, we still need to see who the strongest mage is!

**Emperor Edelgard** : No we don’t.

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 5:31pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Now, I hope everyone has taken the time to reflect on what has happened recently. We are on dangerously thin ice right now with Lady Rhea. I am amazed that today’s little event didn’t get us permanently banned.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am sorry, Lady Edelgard.

**Diva Queen** : What shall we do, Edie?

**Linhardt** : Not destroy the place?

**Little King** : Yeah, I’m with Lin.

**Brigid Pride** : What is it that we are doing?

**Bernie** : I don’t want to be banneddd!!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have fun. What I am saying is that perhaps we should tone it down a bit.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Or a lot.

**Emperor Edelgard** : To that end, I want to hear your suggestions.

**Diva Queen** : Oh, how about Uno?

**Brigid Pride** : Uno??

**Bernie** : what’s uno????

**Diva Queen** : It’s a fun little game I used to play back at the opera company when we weren’t on stage or during intevals. It can be played with lots of people, and it’s a quiet card game!

**Little King** : Perhaps just have a card/board game night? That’s quiet enough!

**Linhardt** : Sounds boring.

**Little King** : Lin! Don’t rain on my parade D:

**Linhardt** : Fine, I guess I can take part in some games.

**Emperor Edelgard** : It sounds like a good idea! We could get all sorts of different board and card games. Let me discuss it with Claumitri, and I’ll get back to you.

**Diva Queen** : Is that Claude and Dimitri’s ship name?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes.

**Diva Queen** : LMAO.

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 5:40pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Dimitri, Claude, the Black Eagles have come up with a suggestion of a game night. What do you think?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : That sounds like a wonderful idea. What could we play?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Anything, so long as it’s quiet. I really do not want to get banned again.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Agreed.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:42pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Everyone, listen up! Dimitri, Claude, and myself want to host a games night so we can all interact in a calm and peaceful manner.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Oh, that’s lovely!

**Beefy Boi** : What games are there? I’m not very good at them :(

**Emperor Edelgard** : All sorts! Bring your own along, so we can have different games set up. Even if you don’t want to play anything, it should be calm enough for you to do your own thing, if you want.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’ll bring my painting set, then. I’ve been meaning to sit down and paint for a while now :)

**Little King** : Hell yeah! Games night!

**Linhardt** : I’ll just bring along a book.

**Linhardt** : And then nap in the corner.

**delicate flower** : i’m bringing cards against humanity

**memelord** : nice.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : What’s that?

**memelord** : too dirty for your innocent mind.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I wouldn’t mind joining if, if I may?

**Dedue** : Your Highness, perhaps you shouldn’t.

**Ashe** : It does sound like something you wouldn’t enjoy, if I may say so.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Surely one game won’t hurt?

**memelord** : fine, but i will not be held responsible for corrupting my pure husband

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : said pure husband made out with you earlier today

**memelord** : that was different D:

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I assure you, I know it is just a game and no harm can come from it :) No need to worry.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Then it is settled! I look forward to having a stress-free night with you all :)

**Hubert von Vestra** : I shall be setting up a chess game, if anyone dares to take me on.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I accept your challenge, Hubie!

**It is I! Lornez Hellman Gloucester** : As do I. It has been a while since I have gone against someone with intellect to match my own.

**memelord** : so none, then?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Unless you wish for His Highness to become a widower, I suggest you take that comment back.

**memelord** : sorry, hubie

**Hubert von Vestra** : That’s better.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : You’re skating on thin ice, Claude.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : But I have been meaning to take a day off from training. Playing board games sounds good!

**Marianne <3**: I like this idea.

**delicate flower** : a quiet evening in is just what i need!

**Bernie** : i..iii may come out my room????

**Brigid Pride** : I am having the excitement for this games night. When is to be taking place?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Tomorrow night, if everyone is free? :)

**Annie** : Oh, I’m so excited!

**Mercie** : Me too!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Yeah, man, it’s going to be lit.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I’m still not used to this new Sylvain.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : To be honest, neither am I.

**felix** : hmph.

**felix** : i prefer this sylvain to the old one.

**felix** : i don’t want to punch this one in the face so often

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I’m sorry, Felix.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Whiwiorwekrwe,.f

**felix** : What are you doing?!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : It has to be done! 

**Dedue** : Allow me to assist you.

**Ashe** : What’s going on? :O:O

**Ashe** : What are you going to do with him?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : What I should have done a long time ago!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Ingrid, stop!

**Emperor Edelgard** : For Gods’ Sake.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I want ONE night where nothing happens.

**Emperor Edelgard** : ONE

**Emperor Edelgard** : NIGHT!

**_[memelord posted a link: sylvain_gets_dunked_lmao.mov]_ **

**memelord** : ah, the sweet smell of blackmail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: Edelgard Suffers, The Chapter
> 
> Poor Edie.


	13. Group Therapy Session

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:29pm]**
> 
> **memelord** : yo, im finally free from the grasp of seteth
> 
>  **Emperor Edelgard** : It’s been two hours! What was he doing to you?
> 
>  **memelord** : exorcising me
> 
>  **memelord** : now im covered in holy water
> 
>  **memelord** : actual holy water, not the stuff from the fish pond
> 
>  **Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Is that why you smell... Clean?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit more... Serious? I guess? It's the group therapy session that everyone needs with the man who isn't being paid enough to deal with their shit. 
> 
> Games night is coming up next chapter!

**_[private message from memelord to Seteth – 5:49pm]_ **

**memelord** : yo, seteth.

**memelord** : i need you.

**Seteth** : What do you need, Claude? For the last time, I will not tell you where the discarded books are.

**memelord** : no, i need you to act as a therapist for everyone

**Seteth** : You do?

**Seteth** : Very well. Add me to the main chat.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:50pm]**

**Sylvain Gautier** : wtf??

**Sylvain Gautier** : ingrid, why???

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Because I should have done it a long time ago. I want the Sylvain I know and somewhat tolerate back!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I want my friend back!

**Sylvain Gautier** : ive always been your friend

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I want the old Sylvain back!

**Linhardt** : Can you have this argument somewhere else? You’re disturbing my reading.

**memelord** : you know what this calls for??

**memelord** : group therapy!!!

**_memelord has added Seteth to the chat_ **

**Seteth** : Hello, students. Claude has informed me that you are in need some therapy of sorts. Whilst I am sure that you are all doing perfectly well, it will do us well to air any grievances we have about each other.

**Seteth** : Calmly, and politely. I do not want any name calling or rudeness.

**Seteth** : Understood? Because I will not proceed until everyone has replied.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Of course, Seteth. Thank you for agreeing to do this. I know some of us need it.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Naturally. It is the role of the nobility to listen to the problems of the commoners.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Thank you, Seteth. I hate seeing two of my closest friends fight. 

**Hubert von Vestra** : I suppose I agree to this “therapy”.

**felix** : fine

**Annie** : Okay! :3

**Mercie** : Sure!

**Ashe** : okay!

**Dedue** : I understand.

**delicate flower** : alright

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : okay

**Marianne <3**: Oh, okay! I’m sorry if I’ve done something wrong to upset people...

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It’ll be good to clear the air between us all.

**Beefy Boi** : You can tell your big bro raph all your problems!! :D

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Eh, it can’t hurt to get my problems off my chest. Sure, I’m in!

**Brigid Pride** : What is this “therapy”???

**Diva Queen** : It where you talk about your problems and get help with them.

**Linhardt** : I suppose...

**Little King** : Hell yeah! It’s talking time!

**Bernie** : AHHH IM SORRY IF IM DOING SOMETHING WRONG!!!!!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Let us begin!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Yes please!

**Sylvain Gautier** : yeah.

**Seteth** : Very well. I have everyone’s consent. Now, remember this: What is said on this chat, stays on this chat. I do not want you to go around and tell everyone other people’s personal problems.

**Seteth** : So, let us start with Ingrid. What is your problem with Sylvain, exactly? As far as I could tell, he has changed his ways and transformed into a new man. One who has given up his skirt chasing ways. Is that not what you wanted?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Well... Yes. But not like this!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I miss the Sylvain I knew when I was growing up. Sure, he did hit on my granny when he was eight, but he was just a regular child. Even when he were growing up, we had so much fun together. It was only after he became heir to House Gautier that he changed! I want the Sylvain who didn’t chase after women, but also wasn’t a complete stoner!

**Sylvain Gautier** : You don’t get it, Ingrid. Do you even know how much pressure is on me to inherit the title of Margrave? All women want from me is my Crest, the bane of my existence. That’s all I’m good for. Smoking the weed was the first time I actually felt relaxed and free from my responsibilities! Did you even stop to think about how I'm feeling?! Or did you just assume that I don't have feelings because I am nothing more than a philanderer who enjoys breaking people's hearts?! 

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : ...

**Seteth** : Hmm, perhaps the two of you should take some time off to really think about this. 

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Of course.

**_Pegasus Knight 1180 is offline_ **

**Sylvain Gautier** : Alright.

**_Sylvain Gautier is offline_ **

**felix** : hmph.

**felix** : i have nothing else to say.

**felix** : let them deal with it.

**Seteth** : Okay, who is next?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Compared to Ingrid and Sylvain, this is going to seem trivial in comparison. But, I have to say it.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude, stop hogging the duvet.

**memelord** : i get cold!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : If you do not wish to share your bed, just say so, and I will go back to my own room.

**memelord** : no! i get lonely without you, dima :(

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Wait, you two share a bed?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : and this is shocking... how???

**delicate flower** : claude, stop being a quilt whore

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : lmao

**I am Ferdiand von Aegir** : I agree, Claude. You should be sharing the duvet with His Highness.

**memelord** : but guyyyyysssss... i get cold!!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : That is still no reason to steal the duvet, even if it is your bed. 

**Hubert von Vestra** : Perhaps you should just sleep on the floor.

**memelord** : no.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It’s what I do.

**memelord** : alright, vampire. not everyone can sleep on hard surfaces like you. i need my warmth.

**Seteth** : Claude, either learn to share with Dimitri, or invest in a larger duvet so that you don’t have to fight over it.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : That makes sense. Why didn’t we think of that before?

**memelord** : because we share a brain cell each and we’ve lost it

**Seteth** : Correct.

**Seteth** : Who’s next?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : CLAUDE STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD

**memelord** : didn’t realise this was “gang up on claude” hour

**Seteth** : The solution is simple.

**Seteth** : Stop treating Lysithea like a child. She is a teenager, just like you.

**Seteth** : Next?

**Seteth** : No one?

**Seteth** : It doesn’t even need to be a major problem, or something to do with someone else. Just tell us anything that is bothering you.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I worry that I will never be able to be like Captain Jeralt. I want to be just like him, so I work so hard all the time, but I worry that it is never enough!

**Beefy Boi** : I’m afraid that I won’t be able to become a knight and provide for my little sis D:

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I want to become a painter, but my parents are pushing me into knighthood even though I am not cut out for it.

**delicate flower** : i have to live in the shadow of my big brother, so i act lazy so no one compares me to him.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I fear that if I do not find a suitable partner, my father will disown me.

**Marianne <3**: Um... I don’t like my Crest very much. I’m cursed because of it.

**Seteth** : I see. Thank you all for telling me. Those who worry about being compared to someone else or not living up to expectations, ask yourself this: Why do you care what others thing about you?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Well... I want Captain Jeralt to be proud of me and recognise my achievements. It's the main reason I came to the Academy, to be a mercenary like him. 

**Seteth** : Do you think he is not proud of you already? He often tells me about how he thinks you’re doing incredibly well.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Really?! :D

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Oh, that is such a relief!

**Beefy Boi** : my little sister is all the family I have left, so I need to give her a future!

**Seteth** : And you will. You are training so diligently that you are sure to find employment somewhere.

**Seteth** : And Ignatz, you cannot always please your parents. Pursue your painting dreams. I have seen one of your works and it is truly a masterpiece :)

**Beefy Boi** : Wow, thanks! :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Al-alright! I don’t have the courage to tell my parents, though.

**Seteth** : Leave that to me. Now, Marianne. Not everyone likes their Crest, but it does not mean that you are cursed. I happen to know what your Crest is, and it means nothing. If anyone is giving you trouble, come to me. I will sort them out.

**Marianne <3**: Oh! Thank you so much!

**Seteth** : You are welcome. Lorenz, you are an only child. Your father cannot disown you, not matter what. You have the power to do what you want to do. You’re his heir. He cannot change that.

**memelord** : perhaps i cant get my grandfather to have a word with him??

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Maybe I should just talk to him. You are right, after all. There is no other heir than myself. Without me, the Gloucester line will end.

**Seteth** : You do that, and report back to me. 

**Seteth** : Hilda.

**delicate flower** : me?

**Seteth** : Yes, you. Why do you think your brother is so good at everything? Because he trains hard. If you were to put in the same amount of effort as him, you could be just as good, if not better. I have seen you in mock battles. Your abilities with an axe are nothing to scoff at.

**delicate flower** : really???!?!!

**Seteth** : Indeed. So I want to see you put in more effort into your training, please.

**Seteth** : Claude? Do you have anything you wish to add? 

**memelord** : ehh... nope! i'm alllll good here :3

**Seteth** : Do not be coy, Claude. 

**memelord** : fine...

**memelord** : im scared of the dark

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Oh, so that is why you sleep with a light on. I see now.

**Seteth** : I am sure there is a reason for that, but I will not probe any further than I have done. 

**Seteth** : How is everyone else? 

**Brigid Pride** : I am not having the problems, apart from the missing of Brigid. I wish to return some day.

**Emperor Edelgard** : And you will, Petra. I will make sure of it.

**Diva Queen** : I’m alright, myself. I worry about losing my fame one day, but that is a trivial matter that is nothing to worry about. I'm fine, really :)

**Seteth** : I doubt people will forget about you, Dorothea. You have incredible talent that will stay with you for a long time. Just look at Professor Manuela. She was the senior diva, and people still talk about her to this day. You have nothing to worry about. 

**Diva Queen** : You think so? Oh, this makes me feel so much better! Thank you, Seteth! :D 

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I have little to worry about, apart from how I wish my father wasn’t such a... Phrase I will not speak out loud.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Hmm... I guess I should say this.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It was I who set the grass on fire.

**Seteth** : Yes, I am aware of yours and Lysithea’s “duel”.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Then I have nothing else to say.

**Little King** : My turn?

**Little King** : I do have something to say.

**Little King** : I... May not exactly be straight.

**Little King** : I may also have a crush on someone.

**Diva Queen** : Linhardt.

**Emperor Edelgard** : It’s Linhardt.

**Hubert von Vestra** : You are not subtle.

**Linhardt** : ??????!!!!!!

**Linhardt** : Oh my...

**Little King** : Don’t call me out like that!

**Linhardt** : Well, it is not secret that I enjoy the company of both genders.

**Linhardt** : I suppose we can give it a shot.

**Little King** : WHAT? JUST LIKE THAT???

**Diva Queen** : Ah, we truly are the house of the functioning gays.

**delicate flower** : you have ferdie and hubie.

**Diva Queen** : Oh yeah...

**Bernie** : I.....I have nothing to say sorry!!!!

**_Bernie is offline_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : She’s a little shy...

**Emperor Edelgard** : As for me, well. I want to have a night where nothing goes wrong. Just one night. That’s why we’re having a games night tomorrow.

**Seteth** : I see. I’m sure nothing can go wrong with a simple games night.

**Emperor Edelgard** : You don’t understand, Seteth. Things can go horribly wrong very quickly.

**Seteth** : If an incident occurs, I will deal with it. Now, onto the Blue Lions. We have already heard from His Highness, Ingrid, and Sylvain. How about the rest of you?

**Mercie** : I’m okay! Just hoping that everyone can feel better soon.

**Annie** : Same here!

**Dedue** : I am content at the moment.

**Ashe** : I am worried about my archer exam, but I’m okay!

**memelord** : want to practice, ashe?

**Ashe** : Yes, please!

**felix** : hmph

**felix** : i dont tell people how im feeling

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Of course you don’t, Felix.

**Seteth** : Very well, I do believe that it is everyone. Remember, students, do not hesitate to contact me or the faculty again should you have any problems. We are here to help and support you.

**_Seteth is offline._ **

**_Seteth is online_ **

**Seteth** : There was one thing I wanted to ask you about.

**Seteth** : A while ago, Flayn came to me with reports of Devil Worship. Do you know anything about that?

**memelord** : uh...

**memelord** : nope, i have no idea what you are talking about, seteth.

**memelord** : there’s no devil worship around here, right guys?

**memelord** : guys??

**memelord** : come on, back me up!

**Seteth** : Shall we have a word in my office, Claude?

**memelord** : fine. sorry, ashe.

**Ashe** : Oh, no worries! I can practice with someone else!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:29pm]**

**memelord** : yo, im finally free from the grasp of seteth

**Emperor Edelgard** : It’s been two hours! What was he doing to you?

**memelord** : exorcising me

**memelord** : now im covered in holy water

**memelord** : actual holy water, not the stuff from the fish pond

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Is that why you smell... Clean?

**memelord** : im as clean as can be, bby

**Emperor Edelgard** : Anyway, I hope that tonight has been beneficial for us all. We could all use with not bottling up our problems and dealing with them... Drastically. 

**Emperor Edelgard** : Let us all go to bed, rest our heads, and wake up tomorrow refreshed and cleansed :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : Goodnight all!

*

**_[private message from felix to Sylvain Gautier – 12:56am]_ **

**felix** : cant sleep

**felix** : i can hear the boar and claude fighting over that damn quilt again

**Sylvain Gautier** : Come over to mine, then. I can’t sleep either. Been thinking about Seteth and Ingrid told me. I could use someone to talk to. 

*

**_[private message from It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester to memelord – 2:12am]_ **

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : For the love of Sothis, will you please get a double duvet??!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give Seteth a raise 2k20.
> 
> Also, surprise! A new pairing has been added.


	14. Game Night (Gone Wrong)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:59pm]**
> 
> **Diva Queen** : One hour!
> 
>  **Hubert von Vestra** : And one minute.
> 
>  **Diva Queen** : Hubert! Stop trying to upstage me!
> 
>  **Hubert von Vestra** : Admit that I am better tasked for the role of admin, and maybe I will.
> 
>  **Diva Queen** : Never!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note! 
> 
> Even though there is Cards Against Humanity included in this chapter, I didn't want put down anything too graphic. I'm already pushing the T rating closer to an M rating with the occasional swear words. I really do not want to have to rate this lighthearted and silly fanfic an "M" purely for the contents of one chapter xD
> 
> Sorry if you were expecting something different! 
> 
> (also I was playing the ace attorney trilogy on my switch before writing this. you may be able to tell)

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:28am]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Good morning, everyone. I trust that most of us are feeling refreshed after yesterday's impromptu therapy session. I must admit that even I thought it was beneficial. So I hope that everyone is feeling good about this games night :)

**Diva Queen** : Of course we are, Edie! Right, guys?

**It is I! Lornez Hellman Gloucester** : Well, you did not have your sleep so rudely interrupted by the sound of two children fighting over a duvet!

**felix** : yeah

**Emperor Edelgard** : Well... There will be some time between the end of classes and the start of the games, so perhaps you could squeeze in a nap?

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Hmm, perhaps. It will not make up for my lost beauty sleep, but I suppose it will have to do.

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 8:30am]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Must you two continue to behave like children? Fighting over a duvet like this? Just do everyone a favour and get a double duvet!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : My apologies, Edelgard. It was not my intention to start a fight like this over something so trivial.

**memelord** : sorry, princess.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Just get it sorted out. The day has barely started and I can already feel a migraine occurring.

**memelord** : want some medicine for that????

**Emperor Edelgard** : Claude, if this is one of your “herbal remedies”, I will actually kill you.

**Emperor Edelgard** : No offense, Dimitri.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : None taken. 

**memelord** : no, seriously, i’ve got some painkillers stashed away in my desk. i can give them to you before class starts.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Fine. Please may I have some of your painkillers?

**memelord** : say no more princess.

*

**_[private message from Fresh Prince of Faerghus to memelord – 8:32am]_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Why do I get the feeling that these “painkillers” are laced with something?

**memelord** : dima, you wound me!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : ...

**memelord** : they are untampered, i swear!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Alright. But if Edelgard starts flying away with the fairies, then I will know who is responsible.

*

**_[private message from Diva Queen to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 10:01am]_ **

**Diva Queen** : YOUR HIGHNESS!!!!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Dorothea? Whatever is the matter?!

**Diva Queen** : THIS IS!!!

**_Diva Queen posted a link: OH_GOH_WHY.mov_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : ...

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I see. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : If you’ll excuse me, I have to question a certain boy who is sitting next to me.

*

**_[private message from Fresh Prince of Faerghus to memelord – 10:02am]_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude.

**memelord** : shit...

**memelord** : i gave her the wrong pills.

**memelord** : she’s had the ones i made with the same sleeping powder that knocked you out. they’re what i use when i cant sleep at night

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Why are they in your desk?

**memelord** : i must have picked the wrong ones up from my room

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You can't seriously mean?

**memelord** : yeah, she’ll be out for a while.

**memelord** : sorry.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Do not apologise to me, Claude. Apologise to Dorothea, who now has to deal with the fact that you poisoned her girlfriend!

**memelord** : i didn’t do it on purpose!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Tell her that, then. Tell her the truth.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Please, Claude. The last thing we need is the wrath of Dorothea.

*

**_[private message from memelord to Diva Queen – 10:03am]_ **

**memelord** : eeeyyyyy, dorothea!

**Diva Queen** : YOU!

**Diva Queen** : YOU POISIONED MY EDIE!!

**memelord** : not on purpose! theyre the pills i use when i cant sleep at night. they cause me to have a dreamless sleep and wake up a few hours later fully refreshed!

**Diva Queen** : Well...

**Diva Queen** : She has been quite stressed out, lately. Her hair is turning more white than usual. I suppose the sleep won’t do her any harm...

**Diva Queen** : Alright, do you swear that this was an accident?

**memelord** : i swear on my life that it was an accident. i meant to give her painkillers for her migraine, and accidentally gave her the wrong pills.

**Diva Queen** : I’ll forgive this, on one condition.

**memelord** : alright???

**Diva Queen** : This week, I have been put down for weeding duty with Hubert. I really do not want to do it, especially after painting my nails. Do my weeding task, and I will overlook this... Incident.

**memelord** : weeding with hubie? deal. we’re practically bffs now. though it does mean i will have to fit in my own task of tending to the horses as well...

**memelord** : wait, its perfect!

**memelord** : i’ll take it!

**Diva Queen** : Alright then! It’s settled. But, if anything else is to happen to Edie between now and the weekend, it will take even more than a simple weeding task to fix it. Understand?

**memelord** : perfectly.

**Diva Queen** : Pleasure doing business with you.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:20pm]**

**Diva Queen** : Hello! Because of Edie’s... Condition, I have been granted temporary admin rights on this chat and the Black Eagles private chat!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Objection!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am her retainer. Surely I should be the one to hold the admin rights?

**Diva Queen** : Objection!

**Diva Queen** : You may be her retainer, but I am her girlfriend. I think that ranks above you.

**delicate flower** : edelgard’s condition? whatever do you...

**delicate flower** : wait, i already know.

**memelord** : no you dont

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : This is all well and good, but who is going to be hosting the games night?

**Diva Queen** : Me! :D

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am.

**Hubert von Vestra** : You have already taken admin rights away, now you have to take the task of hosting the games night, too?

**Hubert von Vestra** : You are a cruel mistress, Dorothea.

**Diva Queen** : You know it! :D

**Diva Queen** : Anyway! The games will commence at 7pm tonight in the Black Eagle classroom! Bring your own food, drink, games, etc!

**Bernie** : I....I want to stay in my room!!!

**Brigid Pride** : This is bringing me much excitement! I have no knowledge of Fódlan games. Perhaps you will be teaching me some?

**Little King** : Why not bring some Brigid games, Petra?

**Brigid Pride** : I have apologies for not having any games from Brigid. But I will be eagerly awaiting your tutoring!

**delicate flower** : claude and i are having cards against humanity if anyone wants to join.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you dont need to ask twice

**memelord** : are you sure your fragile mind can cope?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : stfu claude

**Little King** : I’m in!

**Linhardt** : I suppose I will join in this “Cards Against Humanity”.

**Captain Jeralt's Apprentice** : Hell yeah! I loved that game back in my village! Count me in!

**Dedue** : I will not be participating. Instead I will be observing His Highness.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Dedue, you are free to do whatever you wish :) We’re all friends here.

**Dedue** : ...

**Dedue** : I do find myself intrigued by this “Uno”.

**Diva Queen** : You are most welcome, Dedue! 

**Marianne <3**: Um... I’d like to take part, please. It’s a game I used to play with my father when I was younger.

**Beefy Boi** : Yeah, me too!

**Ashe** : And me!

**Ashe** : I have a feeling that the other card game might not be for me :S

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’ll be bringing in my painting set, but I may take part later on :)

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Uno is truly a game for the nobility!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I will be playing Cards Against Humanity.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It matches my sense of humour.

**memelord** : what happened to your chess match?

**Hubert von Vestra** : This is more interesting.

**felix** : hmph.

**felix** : i want in as well.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Same here.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : How are you doing, Sylvain? I’m sorry I cannot be there for you right now. Same with you, Ingrid.

**Sylvain Gautier** : I’m alright, Your Highness. Just taking some time to really think about everything.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Same here.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Oh, I guess I’ll join in on the Uno game. I’ve never played, so you will have to show me the ropes.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I will also be participating in this “Uno”.

**Diva Queen** : We’ll create two separate groups then :) After class has finished, of course.

**Annie** : Mercie and I will be setting up a small solitaire game, if anyone wants to join in!

**Mercie** : Yes, you are welcome to take part :)

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:01pm]**

**Diva Queen** : Alright, everyone! Games night commences in four hours!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Three hours and fifty-nine minutes.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:21pm]**

**Diva Queen** : Less than three hours!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Two hours and thirty-nine minutes.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:59pm]**

**Diva Queen** : One hour!

**Hubert von Vestra** : And one minute.

**Diva Queen** : Hubert! Stop trying to upstage me!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Admit that I am better tasked for the role of admin, and maybe I will.

**Diva Queen** : Never!

**memelord** : are they always like this, beagles?

**Little King** : Not... All the time.

**Linhardt** : Most of the time.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Only when Edelgard is concerned. Imagine trying to constantly win her affection! As if I would stoop to something so low!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Says the man who is always trying to pointlessly upstage her.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubie!

**memelord** : so...... you guys wanna move to the golden deer?

**Little King** : Yes!

**Bernie** : p-please!

**Diva Queen** : ANYWAY! It’s almost time, so get ready!

*

**[Officers Academy Uno Group – 7:01pm]**

**_Diva Queen has added eight others to the chat_ **

**Diva Queen** : Hello! So, the rules are super simple! You can only put down a card that has the same colour or number as the card that in on the desk. Say the card is a yellow 3. I can only put down a yellow card of any number, or a 3 card of any colour. Understand?

**Beefy Boi** : What are these cards? :O

**Diva Queen** : You have a Pick Up Two card, which forces the person going next to pick up two cards. Same with the Pick Up Four card, except you can also change the colour of the deck. There is also the reverse card and the skip go card, but we’ll get to those later. Shall we begin?

**Brigid Pride** : Yes please!

**I am Ferdiand von Aegir** : Let’s go! 

**Beefy Boi** : Sure!

**Marianne <3**: Okay.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I am sure that the rules will become clear as we go along.

**Ashe** : Alright!

**Dedue** : Let us proceed.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Dorothea, as our lovely host, why don’t you begin?

**Diva Queen** : Alright! First card is a green four.

*

**[IT’S CAH TIME LMAO – 7:02pm]**

**_memelord has added nine others to the chat_ **

**memelord** : so..... rules are simple. fill the in the statement on the black card with one of your white cards. place them face down in front of the card tsar and they will read them out and pick the funniest.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I do not see how this can go wrong.

**delicate flower** : just you wait, your highness.

**felix** : lets go, already.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I have some good cards that will give me the victory.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Nothing compared to mine.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : and mine.

**Sylvain Gautier** : This is going to a mess, I can already tell.

**Little King** : I’m ready! Are you, Linnie?

**Linhardt** : I suppose so. Though please refrain from using pet names in public.

**Linhardt** : I am not yet used to them.

**Little King** : Sorry, Lin!

**memelord** : alright. first black card is:

**memelord** : “coming to the mittlefrank opera house this year: [blank] the musical!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:03pm]**

**Annie** : Everyone looks so calm!

**Mercie** : Indeed they do :3

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Where’s Lady Edelgard? This was her idea.

**Bernie** : in the infirmary!!!! she took some sleeping pills!!1

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Oh no!

**Mercie** : I’m sure she’s fine :3

*

**[Officers Academy Uno Group – 7:05pm]**

**Diva Queen** : Ferdie, you bitch!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Sorry, Dorothea. Looks like you have to pick up four cards~~~

*

**[IT’S CAH TIME LMAO – 7:05pm]**

**memelord** : alright! let’s see what we have.

**memelord** : coming to the mittlefrank opera house this year...

**memelord** : establishing dominance, the musical

**memelord** : spontaneous human combustion, the musical

**memelord** : the... well then...

**memelord** : i see that you guys did not hold back.

**delicate flower** : just pick a winner already!

**memelord** : fine. i’ll go with “emotions” because it is depressing as hell.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Oh! That’s my card!

**Sylvain Gautier** : ARE YOU OKAY, YOUR HIGHNESS?!

**felix** : what did you expect?

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:20pm]**

**Mercie** : They all look so peaceful :)

*

**[Officers Academy Uno Group – 7:21pm]**

**Ashe** : Um... Ingrid? It just picking up two cards.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, ASHE! I HAD ONE CARD LEFT!

**Dedue** : Uno.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : DEDUE!!!!

*

**[IT’S CAH TIME LMAO – 7:30pm]**

**delicate flower** : ALRIGHT, WHO PUT DOWN DADDY ISSUES???

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : That was me!

**delicate flower** : LEONIE WTF?????

*

**[Officers Academy Uno Group – 7:51pm]**

**Beefy Boi** : And I win!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Damn! I was so close!

**Diva Queen** : okay... another game?

**Beefy Boi** : Please!

**Brigid Pride** : I am liking this greatly!

**Diva Queen** : woooooo...

*

**[IT’S CAH TIME LMAO – 8:03pm]**

**Little King** : You are all sick minded people.

**Little King** : War! What is it good for?

**Little King** : Civilian Casualties.

**Linhardt** : Ah, yes.

**Linhardt** : The true cost of war that no one ever talks about. It’s always about the glory and valour of those who triumphed, never about those innocent people who lost their lives because they were caught up in the crossfire.

**Little King** : Linny! Do you need a hug? D:

*

**[Officers Academy Uno Group – 8:10pm]**

**Marianne <3**: Um... Uno!

**It is I! Lornez Hellman Gloucester** : Ah! I will change the colour to green! I recall you not having that colour, Marianne!

**Ashe** : Oh! Uno!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Dammit!

*

**_[private message from Emperor Edelgard to Diva Queen – 8:11pm]_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Dorothea? What’s happened? I remember taking some painkillers, and then... Nothing.

**Diva Queen** : NO, YOU BITCH! I WAS SO CLOSE!

**Emperor Edelgard** : ???

**Diva Queen** : OH, EDIE! I’M SO SORRY!

**Diva Queen** : We went ahead and started the games night without you!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I see. I take it that it is going well.

**Diva Queen** : Um...

**Diva Queen** : It’s... Going great?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Uh huh...

*

**[IT’S CAH TIME LMAO – 8:13pm]**

**memelord** : i think we are in need of another therapy session.

**memelord** : i drink to forget: dying alone.

**felix** : dont we all.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yep

**memelord** : D:

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:15pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Mercedes, Annette, and Ignatz. Can you all please explain why those playing Uno are all getting in arguments with each other, and why those playing Cards Against Humanity are all hugging each other and crying?

**Emperor Edelgard** : What exactly has happened during my involuntary nap?

**Emperor Edelgard** : And where is Bernadetta?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edelgard: I disappear for a few hours and THIS is what I come back to.


	15. Shape of the Pear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Archbishop Rhea** : Students, I have good news! I have received word from Professor Byleth that they are due to return from the tournament sometime tomorrow. They haven’t specified a time, so classes will be as they are now until they arrive back.
> 
>  **Archbishop Rhea** : Also, I will be hosting evening prayers soon. All are welcome to attend :)
> 
>  **Emperor Edelgard** : Lady Rhea?
> 
>  **Archbishop Rhea** : Yes, Edelgard?
> 
>  **Emperor Edelgard** : Can I join in they prayers tonight? I know I am not the most religious person in the world, but I do feel the need to pray to the Goddess for... Guidance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I use quite a bit of slang in this. If you don't know what it means, I've included translations for you :D
> 
> A bit shorter than usual, but I still had fun writing this!

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 8:16pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Claude, those pills you gave me today. Did you tamper with them, by any chance?

**memelord** : i gave you the wrong pills by mistake. it was an accident, i swear! ive already had an earful from dorothea.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I can imagine. I did need the sleep, just not in the middle of the day. What punishment has Dorothea given you?

**memelord** : i have to do her weeding chores this week.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : It really was an accident, Edelgard. I would know if Claude was trying to poison you.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Provided that this doesn’t happen again, I will be willing to let this little incident slide. Now, can you please tell me why everyone is either fighting with each other or crying into each other’s arms?

**memelord** : well

**memelord** : you see

**memelord** : the thing is

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Oh? I thought all games of Cards Against Humanity were like this??

**memelord** : oh dima, you precious summer child

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ah, I see that Dorothea is now trying to strangle Ferdinand. Excuse me whilst I go sort it out.

**memelord** : you do that

*

**_[private message from memelord to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 8:18pm]_ **

**memelord** : poor princess

**memelord** : sometimes i feel like she is the only one in this entire academy to possess a brain cell

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Nonsense, Claude. We have brain cells, too!

**memelord** : dima, we share half a brain cell between us.

**memelord** : and we lose it quite a lot

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:21pm]**

**_Archbishop Rhea is online_ **

**Archbishop Rhea** : Students, I have good news! I have received word from Professor Byleth that they are due to return from the tournament sometime tomorrow. They haven’t specified a time, so classes will be as they are now until they arrive back.

**Archbishop Rhea** : Also, I will be hosting evening prayers soon. All are welcome to attend :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : Lady Rhea?

**Archbishop Rhea** : Yes, Edelgard?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Can I join in the prayers tonight? I know I am not the most religious person in the world, but I do feel the need to pray to the Goddess for... Guidance.

**Archbishop Rhea** : Of course. The Goddess is always willing to help those in need.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Lady Rhea! Help! I am being attacked purely because I put down a pick up four card!

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I was so close to winning, you cretin!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : So was I!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hey! i clearly won that black card!

**delicate flower** : but mine was funnier!

**Linhardt** : Share a point, then. 

**Emperor Edelgard** : I need help.

**Archbishop Rhea** : Very well, Edelgard. You may start early, if you wish.

**Emperor Edelgard** : THANK YOU!!!

**_Emperor Edelgard is offline_ **

*****

_**[private message from Fresh Prince of Faerghus to memelord - 8:22pm]** _

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : For Edelgard to resort to praying for help... We must have pushed her to her limit.

**memelord** : she’ll be fine

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Even so, I suggest we pack up for the night and retreat to our rooms. It’ll be curfew soon, after all.

**memelord** : but dimmmmaaaaaa

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : It has been fun, Claude, but you know how long it will take to tidy this up. We do not want a repeat of the karaoke night. 

**memelord** : oh yeah

**memelord** : hey, dima. i was thinking.

**memelord** : how about we go for a walk tomorrow after class? we can bring our classmates along

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : That sounds like a wonderful idea :)

*

**[house of memes – 8:49pm]**

**memelord** : well, i think it safe to say that we have learnt some things about each other. leonie has daddy issues.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I do not!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : You do seem have an obsession with Captain Jeralt.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Only because he is an amazing mercenary and I want to be just like him when I leave here!

**memelord** : like i said, leonie has daddy issues. felix and lysithea want to drink away their problems

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yep

**memelord** : even though you are underage.

**memelord** : and the rest of you are sick minded people

**delicate flower** : so are you, claude!

**Beefy Boi** : I had fun! :D

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Indeed. When people were not busy forcing me to pick up cards when I was one away from winning! You savages!

**Marianne <3**: I’m sorry.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Not you, Marianne. You’re lovely and we are lucky to have you.

**delicate flower** : nice save. i nearly ended your life then because you insulted my girlfriend.

**memelord** : speaking of girlfriends.

**memelord** : lorenz, how’s it going with the “choosing the right lady for my wife” thing going?

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : It is going splendidly. There is no need to pry any further.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : He got rejected by a woman who said, and I quote, “I wouldn’t go out with someone with as bad a haircut as yours even if we were the last two people alive.”

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Leonie!

**delicate flower** : LMAO

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : accurate

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : That does seem rather harsh.

**Marianne <3**: Oh, that is rude.

**It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Yes! Thank you Ignatz and Marianne. It is nice to see that at least two of you have some manners. 

**_memelord changed It is I! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester’s name to I have a bad haircut_ **

**I have a bad haircut** : Claude!

**memelord** : tomorrow, dima and i are thinking about going for a walk after class. you can tag along if you want.

**memelord** : but know that if one more thing happens, edelgard will murder us

**delicate flower** : she wont

**delicate flower** : i hope

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 8:52pm]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : That turned out to be an experience. Felix, I hope you’re doing alright.

**felix** : im fine

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You put down that you drink to forget dying alone. I do hope that doesn’t mean that you are depressed or anything.

**felix** : you were the one who put down “emotions: the musical."

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : They didn’t mean bad emotions. They could have been happy emotions. Isn’t that what people do when they are happy? They sing!

**Dedue** : I had an enjoyable time playing Uno.

**Dedue** : I do feel as though not everyone feels the same way.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Ugh, I'm sorry. I got overly competitive.

**Ashe** : It was fun!

**Ashe** : Apart from the part where you got into a fight with Ferdinand and Lorenz.

**Sylvain Gautier** : You gotta admit, that was entertaining.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : We can now put it to rest.

**Annie** : Mercie and I had several games of solitaire. I won most of them!

**Mercie** : Yes, you were very good!

**Annie** : And Ignatz painted the most amazing picture!

**Mercie** : He truly is talented :3

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Anyway. I have come to inform you all that tomorrow, after classes have ended, Claude and I are going for a walk just outside the monastery. The woods are lovely this time of year, and the fresh air will do us some good! You are welcome to join in, if you wish. 

**Ashe** : That sounds amazing!

**Ashe** : Though I would like to fit in some training with Claude at some point. 

**Dedue** : I enjoy nature. There are many different types of flowers growing right now. I could point them out for you.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : A walk sounds lovely :)

**felix** : hmph.

**felix** : fine, i’ll tag along.

**Mercie** : Me too!

**Annie** : And me :3

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : We are still sorting out the details, so I will get back to you tomorrow :)

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 9:07pm]**

**_Emperor Edelgard is online_ **

**Diva Queen** : Edie? You okay, sweetie?

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am alright, Dorothea. Just had to seek guidance on how to deal with... Everything.

**Diva Queen** : You mean Dimitri and Claude.

**Emperor Edelgard** : They don't help, no. I know Dimitri can keep the Blue Lions in check, but it seems that since getting together with Claude, he has been forced to share his braincell with him.

**Brigid Pride** : So you are saying that they are getting the stupid?

**Emperor Edelgard** : No, not exactly. Just that he keeps getting caught up in Claude’s schemes.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Wasn’t this game night your idea?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Yes, I do recall you saying that you wanted to host it. You said that it would be a quiet game for us all.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I didn’t think that it would go this way. And it was a joint decision between myself, Dimitri, and Claude. 

**Linhardt** : Perhaps if you didn’t get drugged, things would have gone a bit more smoothly.

**Linhardt** : Maybe things would have gone wrong either way. 

**Linhardt** : We seem to have a habit of attracting chaos. 

**Little King** : Yeah, things went a bit pear shaped!

**Brigid Pride** : What is this shape a pear? Is this a say that I am not getting? I shall be doing the reading!

**_Brigid Pride is offline_ **

**Little King** : Petra's still wanting to learn the slang, huh? 

**Bernie** : iii... i was in my room all night!!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : How are you, Bernadetta?

**Bernie** : me???? oh im fine, perfectly fine!!!! no need to come and investigate my room nope! everything’s fine!!!!!!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Are you sure, Bernadatta?

**Bernie** : AH!!! OH NO, YOU’RE MAD AT ME!!! IM SORRRRRYYYYY!!!!

**_Bernie is offline_ **

**Diva Queen** : Nice, Hubie. Scare her into signing off.

**Diva Queen** : You jerk.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It wasn’t my intention. I just have a habit of scaring those of a... Weaker disposition.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : But you scare everyone.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Exactly.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Everyone has a weaker disposition.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am going to bed. Try not to destroy the monastery.

_**Emperor Edelgard is offline** _

*

**_[private message from Brigid Pride to memelord – 9:36pm]_ **

**Brigid Pride** : Claude, I have been doing the reading into these “sayings”, as you call them. To say that something is having the shape of a pear, that means that it going wrong. Correct?

**memelord** : yep!

**Brigid Pride** : I was looking it up, and it has led to me to other such sayings. But I am now more confused than ever by this Fódlan slang. Tell me, what does it mean when someone is “mardy”?

**memelord** : it means when someone is being a bit grumpy.

**Brigid Pride** : I see! So I can call some a “mardy” when they are having the grumps?

**Brigid Pride** : You have my thanks! I shall use it in the future! Alone with other terms that I have picked up.

**memelord** : petra, please don’t. im already on thin ice with edelgard

**Brigid Pride** : I am sure she will understand when I tell her that I am doing the research! Do not worry, Claude. I am sure that everyone will be fine!

**memelord** : Petra, please, do not say these phrases out loud. At least test them on me first to make sure you aren’t saying anything inappropriate.

**Brigid Pride** : I am sure that it will be okay :D. I am off to bed now. Goodnight!

**memelord** : Petra, wait!

*

**_[private message from memelord to Emperor Edelgard – 9:38pm]_ **

**memelord** : petra has learnt some slang words.

**memelord** : i did not teach them to her!

*

**_[private message from felix to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 01:56am]_ **

**felix** : will you please get that double duvet before i am forced to kill you both. 

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:34am]**

**Brigid Pride** : Ah, morning of the top to you all! I am doing the swimmingly, and the day is looking great!

**Diva Queen** : Petra, where did you learn that?

**Brigid Pride** : On the Internet! Dorothea, you are looking like a right sweet bit of fruit today!

**Diva Queen** : ...

**memelord** : PETRA

**memelord** : NO!!!

**memelord** : THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE IS MEANT FOR INTIMATE FRIENDS ONLY!!

**Brigid Pride** : Oh, I see. For the couples?

**Brigid Pride** : I am sorry, Dorothea. I am not aware of the meaning.

**Diva Queen** : It’s...

**Diva Queen** : It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Claude, a word please?

**Brigid Pride** : Please, Claude did not do the teachings. I taught myself.

**Brigid Pride** : He is innocent in this.

**Diva Queen** : Okay, but do not mention this to Edie. She will freak out.

**memelord** : yes, please don’t.

**Brigid Pride** : I have understanding.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Dare I ask...

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : What is a right sweet bit of fruit?

**Marianne <3**: Um... I don’t get it, either.

**Ashe** : What is it? :o

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You say it is for intimate friends and lovers? Maybe it can be changed to be a bit romantic?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude, of all the fruit that is growing on the trees, you are the sweetest of them all.

**Dedue** : Your Highness...

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Oh my God, Your Highness!

**I have a bad haircut** : Oh my!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : That was more intimate than expected...

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude? Why has your face gone bright red?

**delicate flower** : congrats, your highness.

**delicate flower** : you’ve killed claude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It's gone a bit pear shaped" = The event has gone disastrously wrong.
> 
> "Mardy" = grumpy. Popularised by the Arctic Monkeys song "Mardy Bum". 
> 
> "Right sweet bit'a fruit" = slang from Awakening. 
> 
> "Going swimmingly" = succeeding with great ease
> 
> "Morning of the top" = Petra speak for "top of the morning"
> 
> (Alternate title: Edelgard Suffers, Part Two)


	16. The Phantom of the Garreg Mach Monastery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Dorothea plays a mysterious phantom who lives in the cellars underneath the monastery, attempting to win the heart of the new prima donna, played by me. But his heart is taken by another! His one true love whom he chooses in the end.
> 
>  **Hubert von Vestra** : Isn’t that just the plot to “The Phantom of the Opera”, just with the genders of the main roles swapped around?
> 
>  **I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : ...
> 
>  **I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : No...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guess who was listening to the "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack whilst writing and editing? 
> 
> Me, that's who. 
> 
> I like musicals.

**_[private message from memelord to delicate flower – 7:49am]_ **

**memelord** : HILDA

**memelord** : WHAT DO I DO NOW???

**delicate flower** : nothing.

**delicate flower** : accept your fate

**memelord** : HILDA!

**memelord** : don’t leave me D:D:

*

**_[private message from Fresh Prince of Faerghus to delicate flower – 7:55am]_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Hilda, I need your help. Claude has been staring into the abyss for a long time, and isn’t responding to anything.

**delicate flower** : you’ve broken him.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : It was not my intention to.

**delicate flower** : don’t worry, your highness. claude likes to act all tough, but he’s a bit softie inside. he doesn’t handle being flustered.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : What should I do?

**delicate flower** : kiss him.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Are you sure? Won’t that make him worse?

**delicate flower** : won’t know until you try it!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Alright.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Here goes.

*

**_[private message from delicate flower to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 8:01am]_ **

**delicate flower** : well?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Sorry. I was a little occupied.

**delicate flower** : didn’t want to know....

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Not like that!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : We just talked about our feelings.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You were right. He isn’t used to feeling flustered.

**delicate flower** : told you!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Thank you, Hilda :)

**delicate flower** : no prob! i’ve helped claude through his gay panic, so taking care of yours is pretty easy.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I don’t think this was a gay panic.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Was it?

**delicate flower** : you sweet child. i know see why claude fell in love with you.

*

**[house of memes – 9:34am]**

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Claude is unnaturally subdued today.

**delicate flower** : he’s having a moment(TM)

**I have a bad haircut** : Hmm... It makes a nice change

**Dedue** : I think it has something to with His Highness

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : it has everything to do with his highness

**Annie** : Would some homemade cookies cheer him up?

**Mercie** : I can make some this afternoon :3

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Yes, that sounds delightful. Your baking always brings a smile to people’s face, Mercedes.

**Mercie** : That is so sweet of you, Your Highness :D

**Beefy Boi** : Can I have some?

**Mercie** : Of course :)

**Beefy Boi** : Sweet! :D

**I have a bad haircut** : You’ll just eat them all...

**Mercie** : Then I can make some more :3

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : At least now we can focus on the lesson.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : HINT! HINT!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 11:04am]**

**_Professor Byleth is online_ **

**Professor Byleth** : GUESS WHO’S BACK?

**Emperor Edelgard** : PROFESSOR!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Sorry, I lost myself for a second there.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am just so happy that you have returned.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Welcome back, Professor! Were you victorious?

**Professor Byleth** : Naturally.

**Professor Byleth** : They want me to return for the next tournament, whenever it may be.

**I have a bad haircut** : Ah, Professor. Welcome back.

**Professor Byleth** : Thank you, Lorenz.

**I have a bad haircut** : How did you know it was me?

**delicate flower** : professor!

**Annie** : You’re back!

**Mercie** : We missed you! :D

**Dedue** : We did.

**Ashe** : All of us did!

**Hubert von Vestra** : So you’ve returned.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : nothing happened whilst you were away

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : absolutely nothing

**Professor Byleth** : Really? Because that is not what Lady Rhea has been telling me.

**Professor Byleth** : Let’s see...

**Professor Byleth** : Sylvain has stopped being a womaniser and is now taking drugs.

**Sylvain Gautier** : That is an exaggeration, Professor... I merely smoked some weed from the greenhouse.

**Professor Byleth** : You also grew the drugs. Okay.

**Professor Byleth** : Claude seems to think that he has stumbled upon an alternate timeline theory.

**memelord** : TEACH

**memelord** : HOW DID YOU GET FAILNAUGHT????!!!

**Professor Byleth** : The Blue Lions house was split between the Black Eagles and the Golden Deer.

**Professor Byleth** : Then, going against Lady Rhea’s orders, held a fighting tournament of your own.

**delicate flower** : it was claude’s idea.

**Professor Byleth** : I am well aware that it was Claude’s idea. But what wasn’t his idea was for Lysithea and Hubert to have a magic duel using dark magic and set the grass on fire.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : about that...

**Hubert von Vestra** : No one was injured.

**Hubert von Vestra** : At least, not lethally.

**Professor Byleth** : And then, in an attempt to “fix” Sylvain, Ingrid threw him into the fishing pond.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I am deeply sorry, Professor. It will not happen again.

**Professor Byleth** : This all led Seteth to run a group therapy session, and a games night in an attempt to heal everything.

**Professor Byleth** : Only for Claude to poison Edelgard **.**

**memelord** : i wouldn’t call it “poison”...

**Diva Queen** : It was poison, Professor.

**Professor Byleth** : Have I missed anything else?

**Ashe** : No. I think that about covers it.

**Ashe** : A lot has happened during your time in the tournament!

**Bernie** : The... The professor’s back!!!!!!

**Bernie** : Professor!!!!

**Professor Byleth** : Hello to you too, Bernadetta.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Hey, you’re back! Hope you enjoyed yourself!

**Professor Byleth** : It was fun, if a little tiring.

**Professor Byleth** : I shall resume teaching the Blue Lions tomorrow. For now, stay in your classes. Speaking of, you should head back now that break is over.

**memelord** : PROFESSOR

**memelord** : HOW DID YOU GET FAILNAUGHT?!

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 11:47am]**

**Archbishop Rhea** : Welcome back. I am relieved that you are alright.

**Seteth** : Lady Rhea and I have had our hands full with the students. It seems we needed your assistance more than we realised.

**Professor Byleth** : I am here now, and I don’t think I’m going anywhere anytime soon. So, is there anything that urgently needs my attention?

**Seteth** : Not that I am aware of.

**Professor Byleth** : Give me the rest of the day to recover, and I will go back to teaching them tomorrow.

**Professor Byleth** : I’ll be in my office writing up lesson plans.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:21pm]**

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : OMFG

**Emperor Edelgard** : Lysithea? What’s the matter?

**memelord** : language, young lady

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : fuck off, claude

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i stopped by the professor’s office, and their door was slightly open so i had a peek round and they were having a tea party!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Oh? Perhaps the Professor wanted some privacy? Did you see who they are drinking tea with?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : the gatekeeper

**delicate flower** : what

**Captain Jeralt's Apprentice** : What

**Mercie** : :o

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : The gatekeeper from the front entrance? :O

**I have a bed haircut** : As in the “Greetings, Professor! Nothing to report!” gatekeeper?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : the same

**_[i wont hesitate, b*tch posted a link: private_tea_party.img]_ **

**memelord** : lysithea, you mad lad

**Annie** : They both look so happy :3

**Ashe** : I didn’t know that the Professor was friends with the gatekeeper :O

**Dedue** : They have been for some time, I think

**delicate flower** : yeah, i see them all the time in the marketplace

**Professor Byleth** : It is true that I am good friends with the Gatekeeper. I missed him during my time away and wanted to catch up with him.

**Professor Byleth** : That is all.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Naturally. Such close friends must be cherished!

**Little King** : Someone has a crush :D

**Professor Byleth** : Caspar, you may not be in my class, but I am still able to give you detention.

**Little King** : Sorry! D:

**Professor Byleth** : There is nothing going on between me and the gatekeeper.

**_Professor Byleth is offline_ **

**Sylvain Gautier** : Press X to doubt

**Hubert von Vestra** : They’re lying

**Linhardt** : Of course.

**memelord** : you know what this calls for?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Claude, the last time you and your “Brotherhood of Chaos” went around stalking people, things went wrong. I’m sure some people are still afraid that the bushes might grow legs and start chasing them around.

**memelord** : :(

**Hubert von Vestra** : Lady Edelgard, if I may?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am much more inconspicuous. I am more likely to stalk people without being spotted.

**Emperor Edelgard** : No.

**Emperor Edelgard** : We will talk about this after class.

*

**_[private message from I am Ferdinand von Aegir to Hubert von Vestra – 1:04pm]_ **

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubie! I am ready to move on with my grand opera.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am not singing, no matter how much you pay me too.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : No need. I have given you a non-singing role. Dorothea and I will be doing most of it, anyway.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Dorothea plays a mysterious phantom who lives in the cellars underneath the monastery, attempting to win the heart of the new prima donna, played by me. But his heart is taken by another! His one true love whom he chooses in the end.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Isn’t that just the plot to “The Phantom of the Opera”, just with the genders of the main roles swapped around?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : ...

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : No...?

**Hubert von Vestra** : It is. The Phantom is Dorothea, you are Christine, and I am Raoul.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Dammit!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Though I am impressed that you know about it.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Not through my own choice.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It happens to be Lady Edelgard’s favourite musical. I’ve seen it enough times with Dorothea as Christine.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Though I am intrigued by this female Phantom.

**Hubert von Vestra** : And what happened to your previous opera?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : That was but a warm up for my magnum opus!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:40pm]**

**Captain Jeralt's Apprentice** : So, about the Professor. How do we go about doing this?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Stalk them from the shadows.

**Emperor Edelgard** : We mind our own business. The Professor is a grown up who is able to deal with any feelings they may have.

**Diva Queen** : I doubt that...

**Mercie** : Hmm... Perhaps we should all go on a nice picnic at the weekend? The Professor can bring the gatekeeper with them :3

**Annie** : Oh! That sounds wonderful, Mercie!

**delicate flower** : yes!

**Marianne <3**: I’d like that.

**memelord** : sorry, no can do. i’ve got to weed the gardens and tend to the horses. i’ll be busy all weekend.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : shame.

**I have a bad haircut** : We’ll be thinking about you as we eat our sandwiches and drink our homemade lemonade.

**memelord** : jokes on you

**memelord** : hubert and i have come up with a plan to tackle both jobs at once

**Hubert von Vestra** : Exactly.

**Diva Queen** : And suddenly I am regretting making Claude take over my weeding duty.

**memelord** : dont be ;)

**memelord** : just using my brain

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You seem better, Claude. I was a bit worried about you this morning. It's good to see you back in good spirits :)

**memelord** : i am, dima

**memelord** : don’t worry <3

**Emperor Edelgard** : Back to the picnic idea... It could work! We would have to do a lot of planning, and make sure that the Professor is okay to go.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Even if they cannot attend, I see no harm in us having the picnic :)

**Brigid Pride** : What is this “picnic”?

**Diva Queen** : Oh! We go out into a field somewhere and have lunch out! Mostly involving sandwiches and cakes :)

**Brigid Pride** : Ah! That would be sounding lovely :D

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I agree. An afternoon picnic out in the woods sounds amazing.

**Beefy Boi** : If we bring a portable barbecue, it’ll be ever better! :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Maybe we shouldn’t. We’ll get into trouble if the forest catches fire...

**felix** : yeah

**felix** : not to say we can’t cook the meat here and have it cold later on?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Felix, you genius!

**felix** : it’s... it’s nothing.

**Emperor Edelgard** : So it’s settled. A picnic this weekend in the forest. Those who have chores can join us afterwards, if you’d like.

**Linhardt** : Provided there’s a tree where I can take an afternoon nap, I will tag along.

**Little King** : Yeah! It’ll be fun!

**Bernie** : will there be cake????

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Lots of it!

**Bernie** : oh!!!! maybe i might venture outside then :D

**Brigid Pride** : That is it, Bernie! You are having the spirit!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : WGRUEHUJEVWFUILJNERGUIFHULFJHUKJEHKUFEHU;EWFBKJ;FEW

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : GGGGGGHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

**memelord** : i think lysithea’s stumbled upon a ghost

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : THERE’S A GHOST!!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : SHE’S HERE! THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : I WAS WALKING PAST THE STABLES AND I SAW SOMEONE RUN BACK INTO THE CELLAR!!!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : BEWARE! THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!

**Diva Queen** : I THOUGHT THE PHANTOM WAS A MALE?!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : NOT IN MY NEWEST MASTERPIECE: THE PHANTOM OF THE GARREG MACH MONASTERY!!

**I have a bad haircut** : Let us all calm down now. Lysithea, what do you mean you saw someone vanish into the cellar?

**Dedue** : I have spotted someone!

**Ashe** : They ran away as soon we saw them!

**delicate flower** : ahhhhhhHH!!!!!

**felix** : HOLY SHIT

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : More phantoms? Interesting.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Who are these people?

**Emperor Edelgard** : I don’t know!!!

**Bernie** : OH GOD THE PHANTOMS ARE HERE WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

**_Bernie is offline_ **

**_Archbishop Rhea is online_ **

**Archbishop Rhea** : Students, I take it you have met the Ashen Wolves?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Ashen Wolves are due to make an appearance very soon :3


	17. Going Underground (Going Underground)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[The Ashen Wolves – 4:14pm]**
> 
> **Iced Coco** : You incompetent fools! You allowed yourself to be spotted by those from the surface!
> 
>  **Sad** : So did you.
> 
>  **Ice Coco** : Hmph! I at least tried to not be seen!
> 
>  **Dad Friend** : You squealed and sprinted back here when that white-haired girl saw you. I don’t know who screamed louder!
> 
>  **Eyeliner on Fleek** : There does not seem to be much damage done. I doubt anyone will be foolish enough to follow us. 
> 
> **Dad Friend** : About that...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MY RAT CHILDREN ARE HERE AND I LOVE THEM ALL
> 
> I am only an hour of so into Cindered Shadows, but I would still die for Balthus. 
> 
> Do I weakness for tall, muscular men who appear intimidating and can kill you instantly but are also big softies? 
> 
> Of course not >_>
> 
> *
> 
>  **Eyeliner on Fleek** \- Yuri  
>  **Dad Friend** \- Balthus  
>  **Iced Coco** \- Constance  
>  **Sad** \- Hapi

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:12pm]**

**Archbishop Rhea** : Students, I feel I should tell you that there is a fourth house that is not affiliated with Garreg Mach. I urge you to leave them be. Do not bother them, and they will not bother you.

**Archbishop Rhea** : Please, do not seek them out.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I fear it’s too late for that, Lady Rhea.

*

**_[private message from memelord to delicate flower – 4:13pm]_ **

**memelord** : wanna go find out where they live?

**delicate flower** : lmao yeah

*

**[The Ashen Wolves – 4:14pm]**

**Iced Coco** : You incompetent fools! You allowed yourself to be spotted by those from the surface!

**Sad** : So did you.

**Ice Coco** : Hmph! I at least tried to not be seen!

**Dad Friend** : You squealed and sprinted back here when that white-haired girl saw you. I don’t know who screamed louder!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : There does not seem to be much damage done. I doubt anyone will be foolish enough to follow us. 

**Dad Friend** : About that...

**Sad** : So someone did follow us. B, Coco, Yuri-Bird, do me a favour and take them out.

**Iced Coco** : Do not try to get out of this! You shall join in the skirmish!

**Dad Friend** : Oh yeah! Time for a beating!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I had hoped that it wouldn’t come to this. Very well, prepare yourselves!

*

**_[private message from Emperor Edelgard to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 4:17pm]_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Dimitri, your boyfriend has gone to track down these mysterious individuals. Hilda has gone with him. I swear those two share only a single brain cell between them.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : What?!??!?!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : We have to help them out!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I shall “encourage” Linhardt to come too. Perhaps you should ask one of the Blue Lions to assist us?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I will ask Ashe. If I were to ask anyone else, they would surely persuade me not to go. Ashe is also a capable locksmith, so he can get us through any locked door.

**Emperor Edelgard** : What is it about Claude and poking his head where he doesn’t belong?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : If there’s a secret to be found, Claude will be there. That’s how he is, I’m afraid.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:23pm]**

**Diva Queen** : Hmm. Has anyone seen Edie?

**Little King** : I haven’t seen Linhardt in a while D: He’s not in his usual haunting places!

**_Bernie is online_ **

**Bernie** : what is happening?

**Brigid Pride** : Lady Edelgard and Linhardt have vanished. Have you seen them, Bernadetta?

**Bernie** : i....i haven’t seen either of them!!!

**Bernie** : im sorrryyy!!!!!

**I have a bad haircut** : Claude has also been suspiciously absent. You do not think that he is doing some illegal?

**Beefy Boi** : Claude would never do something like that :O

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Hilda is nowhere to be found...

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Something fishy is happening.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : And Claude has likely dragged His Highness into his schemes.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : As usual.

**Dedue** : There has been no sign of His Highness at all. I have searched the monastery from top to bottom, and found no trace of him.

**felix** : good

**Sylvain Gautier** : felix, this is serious! at least pretend that you’re worried about him.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i think i know what they're doing.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : They have gone after those phantoms!

**Hubert von Vestra** : A foolish endeavour.

**Hubert von Vestra** : One that will result in their demise.

**Dedue** : I still believe that we should set out a search party. Ashe has also gone missing.

**Annie** : Oh no! D:

**Mercie** : I pray that he is with His Highness!

**Marianne <3**: Um...

**Marianne <3**: Where do we start looking?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Everywhere. Keep looking until they show up.

**Diva Queen** : Whatever could Edie be doing?!

**Brigid Pride** : I shall be looking in the classrooms. Perhaps they did the sneaking back when our backs are turned.

**Bernie** : they are not in bernie’s room. there is only bernie here!

**Little King** : I’ll go back to the library.

**Dedue** : Ashe likes the Cathedral. I shall look there.

**Sylvain Gautier** : I’ll look in the training grounds.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : im sure claude will show up eventually

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : He usually does.

**Beefy Boi** : We should track him down!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : He has His Highness with him. I am sure the two of them will be alright.

**Diva Queen** : Plus Edie can carve through enemies like they are made of butter.

**I have a bad haircut** : I suppose we need our house leader. Even if I am better suited for the role.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Way to stroke your own ego there, Lorenz.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Still, I cannot help but wonder what these phantoms are like.

**_memelord has added Eyeliner on Fleek, Dad Friend, Sad, and Iced Coco to the chat_ **

**memelord** : im flattered that you’re sending out a search party, but theres no need

**memelord** : everyone, meet the ashen wolves!

**Bernie** : AGHHHHHHHH

**Bernie** : IT’S THE PHANTOMS!!!!

**_Bernie is offline_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : I apologise for Bernadatta. She doesn’t do well in front of new people.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Do not panic. We are in their home right now, and we are safe.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Indeed. It seems we have more in common with these people than we thought.

**delicate flower** : oh, i am so happy to see you again baltie!

**Dad Friend** : It’s Balthus. And please don’t tell Holst I nearly killed you. He would have my head in a heartbeat.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Claude, I asked that you didn’t add us to the main chat. It will only complicate matters with your Archbishop.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : But I guess we are here now.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Hello students of Garreg Mach. Some of your classmates have spotted us as we were venturing above ground.

**Iced Coco** : Is there a small child with white hair? I am most awfully sorry that I startled you! It was not my intention!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i am not a child!

**memelord** : hey, only i can call lysithea a child.

**Iced Coco** : So your name is Lysithea? Such a beautiful and radiant name! I am Constance of House Nuvelle! A name you would do well to remember!

**Mercie** : Oh! I have heard of House Nuvelle. My parents mentioned it to me once, but I am afraid I do not know more than that.

**Mercie** : I was once from the Empire :3

**Iced Coco** : You were?

**Mercie** : Yes, but it was such a long time ago. I consider the Kingdom to be my home now. I mean no offence, Lady Edelgard!

**Emperor Edelgard** : None taken.

**Sad** : Now that introductions are out the way, can we go now?

**Linhardt** : Of course, Hapi. I would love to look through your library again.

**Sad** : Knock yourself out.

**Little King** : Lin! You’re alright!

**Linhardt** : I am. This place has the most amazing library full of banned books that have been discarded.

**Sylvain Gautier** : So that’s where they end up.

**felix** : you, eyeliner person. what’s your name? we know everyone else but you.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Yuri

**felix** : that’s gender neutral

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Does gender matter?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Anyway! I am afraid that we have stayed here for too long. We must return the surface now. Thank you so much for your hospitality.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Don’t mention it, Your Highness.

**Linhardt** : Just as I was getting comfortable...

**Hubert von Vestra** : I do have one question to ask before you scurry away back into the shadows.

**Hubert von Vestra** : What were you doing on the surface?

**_Eyeliner on Fleek is offline_ **

****

**_Sad is offline_ **

**_Dad Friend is offline_ **

**_Iced Coco is offline_ **

**Hubert von Vestra** : Cowards.

**Emperor Edelgard** : We shall be returning to the surface shortly. Continue as if nothing happened.

**Diva Queen** : You can’t introduce new people to us and then tell us to act like nothing has happened, Edie!

**Emperor Edelgard** : They have been shunned by the people on the surface, so they hide to avoid everyone.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Bernadetta would love it down there. 

**I have a bad haircut** : That man... Balthus... I cannot help but feel like I have seen him before.

**delicate flower** : he’s bffs with my brother!

**I have a bad haircut** : No, there is more to it than that.

**I have a bad haircut** : Oh! I have it! My father said that if he would dig up dirt on Claude, all his debts would be wiped clean.

**Ashe** : Why would he do such a thing?!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Your father is a jerk!

**memelord** : in other news, the sky is blue and we are lost in these damn tunnels and OH GOD WE ARE NEVER GETTING OUT OF HERE!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Calm yourself, Claude. We shall simply turn back and ask for the way out.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : As soon as we find the way back.

**Linhardt** : Are you still in the tunnels?

**delicate flower** : yeah, we’ve all made it back to the surface.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Don’t tell me that His Highness and Claude are lost?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I think they are!

**Beefy Boi** : OH NO! D:

**felix** : i think the whole monastery has just heard ingrid's sigh

**Dedue** : We should go rescue them.

**Brigid Pride** : A rescue mission! How exciting! How very... What is the world Claude would use?

**Diva Queen** : Petra, I thought we had agreed that we do not use the slang that Claude uses.

**Brigid Pride** : I have the word I was thinking of! How very epic!

**Emperor Edelgard** : To ensure we do not get lost, we need to get some rope. As long as possible, as there are many tunnels and dead ends down there.

**memelord** : dima, if we starve down here, you have my permission for you to eat me

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Do not be ridiculous, Claude. We will be out before you know it!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:01pm]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : No luck?

**Emperor Edelgard** : We are trying, but there are so many tunnels!

**delicate flower** : i am just amazed you still have signal.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : My phone is low battery, I’m afraid.

**memelord** : mine too

**Dedue** : We must hurry!

**Beefy Boi** : I'll get you out! 

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hey, you. hubert

**Hubert von Vestra** : What do you require, Lysithea?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : cant you just teleport to them?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Not without knowing their exact location, no.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Even if I could, this is far more entertaining.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Plus there is an obvious solution to this dilemma that you are all overlooking.

**Diva Queen** : How are you doing, you two?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : We are hanging on. I fear we have to get Lady Rhea involved if we cannot be located.

**Annie** : Just hang on a little longer! We will find you both :D

**memelord** : we’re not moving

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : How many people are looking?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Myself, Ashe, Dedue, Hilda, and Raphael. One of us is bound to stumble upon you.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I just hope that your trails do not become entwined.

**Marianne <3**: ...

**Marianne <3**: Um... Excuse me.

**Marianne <3**: Why not contact the Ashen Wolves? They know their way in and out, don’t they?

**memelord** : ...

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : ...

**Emperor Edelgard** : ...

**Beefy** **Boi** : Hey, look at you Marianne! Being all smart! 

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : A brilliant idea, Marianne! We are privalaged to have you with us!

**delicate flower** : my girlfriend is the best

**Marianne <3**: T-Thank you.

**Marianne <3**: I am glad that I was able to help.

**memelord** : we are so fucking dumb

**delicate flower** : the lack of oxygen has made you even stupider

**I have a bad haircut** : That does not explain why the rest of us didn’t come up with this solution.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : We are all as dumb as each other

**Ashe** : Claude! Contact Yuri and ask him for guidance!

*

**_[private message from memelord to Eyeliner on Fleek – 9:10pm_ **

**memelord** : yuri bird. the yurimeister. the one and only yuri.

**memelord** : the great and wonderful yuri of the ashen wolves.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You’re lost, aren’t you?

**memelord** : dima and i are lost.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Remind me why you two are heirs to your respective countries?

**memelord** : listen...

**Eyeliner on Fleed** : Forget it. We shall all go out and find you. What distinguishing features do you see?

**memelord** : rocks

**memelord** : and more rocks

**memelord** : just a whole bunch of rocks

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Remain where you are.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : ...

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:12pm]**

**_Dad Friend is online_ **

**Dad Friend** : Hey! We’ve found your little pals!

**delicate flower** : you did! oh, thank you baltie!

**I have a bad haircut** : Balthus, you have my thanks. I shall have a word with my father and have that debt you own him written off.

**Dad Friend** : You know about that, huh?

**Dad Friend** : Your little friends are a little delirious and dehydrated. How long have you been looking for them?

**Emperor Edelgard** : About an hour.

**Dad Friend** : Ouch! Well, I’ll escort them to the surface. You can call off your search party.

**Dedue** : Are they unharmed?

**Dad Friend** : Yep! Apart from the aforementioned delirium.

**Dad Friend** : At least, I assume that’s the reason they are clinging to each other and proclaiming their undying love?

**Diva Queen** : No, that’s just them.

**Dad Friend** : I see. Hopeless romantics, then.

**delicate flower** : thank you again, baltie!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, you have my thanks as well. I was beginning to get worried.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Edelgard’s hair was getting greyer by the minute!

**Sylvain Gautier** : At least His Highness and Claude are safe.

**Brigid Pride** : You are also having the thanks.

**Diva Queen** : Thank you, Balthus. You are such a sweetheart for doing this.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : thank

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Thank

**Beefy Boi** : Thank

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Thank you :)

**Mercie** : Thank you!

**Annie** : The next time we visit, we shall bring you some freshly baked cookies and cakes and all kinds of sweet treats! I bet those are hard to come by underground :3

**Dad Friend** : Everyone would appreciate that! Thank you, ladies.

**Little King** : So... Where did you find them?

**Dad Friend** : Down the corridor from the entrance to the Abyss.

**Dad Friend** : Yuri asked me to help them out as he is too busy hitting his head against a stone pillar.

**Dad Friend** : Something about how he couldn’t fathom their stupidity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Cindered Shadows I go!


	18. Yeet With Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Iced Coco** : I am sensing some hostility between you and Claude. Whatever is going on between you two?
> 
>  **i wont hesitate, b*tch** : he keeps treating me like a child!
> 
>  **Sad** : Well you are.
> 
>  **Iced Coco** : Hapi! How dare you treat this incredibly talented young woman a child!
> 
>  **Iced Coco** : Would you like me to have a word with Claude?
> 
>  **i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you can try
> 
>  **Iced Coco** : Ah! But I have my womanly charms that will surely work on him!
> 
>  **delicate flower** : yeah, that wont work
> 
>  **delicate flower** : he gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!
> 
> Firstly: I have changed my username! There was nothing wrong with my old one, but having used the same username for ten years on all social media accounts, i was pretty sick of it and wanted to switch it up. It's still me! 
> 
> Secondly: I am coming down with a cold again. This was written under the influence of strong painkillers. That's why it is all over the place. Sorry! 
> 
> Thirdly: I am halfway through Cindered Shadows, so sorry if the characterisation is wrong!
> 
> Fourthly: Mild spoilers ahead for the first half of the DLC! Should have warned you last chapter.

**[da boiz r back in town – 9:27pm]**

**_memelord added Eyeliner on Fleek and Dad Friend to the chat_ **

**memelord** : welcome boiz!

**I have a bad haircut** : Hello, Yuri and Balthus. We have not all be properly introduced, have we? I am Lorenz Hellman Gloucester. This nickname is an embarrassment, but I put up with it because that is what the nobility does.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : That bowlcut of yours is pretty stupid.

**I have a bad haircut** : Well, I never!!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I am Ferdinand von Aegir, heir to Duke Aegir of the Adrestian Empire and the future Prime Minister! Tell me, Yuri, how do you keep your locks in such excellent condition?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : We do have personal hygiene in the Abyss.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : We are not animals.

**Hubert von Vestra** : My name is not important for you to know.

**Dad Friend** : Alright, Hubert.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Damn.

**Ashe** : We’ve already met once, but it is nice to see you again! :D

**Beefy Boi** : I’m Raphael!

**Dad Friend** : Claude has told me a bit about you, Raphael. Training to be a knight to provide income for your little sister?

**Beefy Boi** : That’s right!

**Dad Friend** : Care to train together sometime? The King of Grappling could teach you some tips and tricks.

**Beefy Boi** : Nice! :D

**Dedue** : My name is Dedue. I serve as a vassal for His Highness.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Oh! New people!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I am Ignatz. Nice to meet you :)

**felix** : felix

**felix** : yuri, spar with me when you have a moment

**Eyeliner of Fleek** : Sure

**Sylvain Gautier** : Sylvain, former womaniser, former smoker of the weed, now just a man trying to find a purpose in life

**felix** : you’re heir to gautier territory

**Sylvain Gautier** : I meant besides that

**Linhardt** : You already know me.

**Little King** : Name’s Caspar! I’d like to learn a few grappling tricks myself :D

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Heh. As you can see, we are all lively bunch when we are away from the ladies.

**memelord** : we dont need to fear the wrath of the girls

**memelord** : they are terrifying when angry

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Like the time you accidentally poisoned Edelgard and had to endure the fury of Dorothea?

**memelord** : alright, look...

*

**[The Ladies of Garreg Mach – 9:30pm]**

**_Emperor Edelgard added Sad and Iced Coco to the chat_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hello, Hapi and Constance. Welcome to the girls only chatroom! You are safe from the boys and their hijinks here.

**Iced Coco** : How splendid! How often do you meet here?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Whenever we feel the need to escape from the boys.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : namely claude

**Iced Coco** : I am sensing some hostility between you and Claude. Whatever is going on between you two?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : he keeps treating me like a child!

**Sad** : Well you are.

**Iced Coco** : Hapi! How dare you treat this incredibly talented young woman a child!

**Iced Coco** : Would you like me to have a word with Claude?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you can try

**Iced Coco** : Ah! But I have my womanly charms that will surely work on him!

**delicate flower** : yeah, that wont work

**delicate flower** : he gay

**Annie** : And he’s been with His Highness for some time now!

**Mercie** : They even had a mock wedding :D

**Iced Coco** : OH!

**Iced Coco** : I see...

**Iced Coco** : Will any form of womanly charm work?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Given that he has only ever had eyes for His Highness...

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I’m going to say no.

**Iced Coco** : Interesting!

**Iced Coco** : Now that I think about, I am not sure why this is surprising to me. I saw how they acted around each other in the Abyss. 

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : You are lucky that you missed their mutual pining.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : It was unbearable to watch.

**delicate flower** : yeah, it took them forever to finally confess

**Diva Queen** : Not as long as Hubie and Ferdie. THAT was painful.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, it was

**Emperor Edelgard** : But, I think it is time for us to all introduce ourselves so that we can become better acquainted. You already know myself, Hilda, and Lysithea.

**Bernie** : um... my name is bernadetta. you aren’t here to kill me, are you?

**Iced Coco** : Of course not! We are here to befriend you all :)

**Bernie** : oh, phew :D

**Annie** : I’m Annette, but you can call me Annie! I do lots of baking with Mercie!

**Mercie** : I’m Mercedes :) We spoke briefly about how I was once part of the Empire.

**Iced Coco** : Yes, I remember you!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I’m Ingrid. I’m the childhood friend of His Highness, Sylvain, and Felix.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Nowadays I’m their caretaker for when they do stupid shit.

**Marianne <3**: um...

**Marianne <3**: I’m Marianne.

**Brigid Pride** : I am Petra. I come from Brigid, which is part of the Empire. Will you be joining our house?

**Sad** : Doubt it

**Sad** : Unless Rhea allows it

**Brigid Pride** : That is a shame

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Leonie. I come from a small village within the Alliance. I am training to become a mercenary, just like Captain Jeralt!

**Diva Queen** : And I am Dorothea! Girlfriend of Edelgard and former songstress of the Mittlefrank Opera House. You will find this place a lot more calming than the main group chat.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Because we all possess fully functioning brain, unlike the boys.

**delicate flower** : at best they share one brain cell between them all

**Iced Coco** : It is a pleasure to meet you all! I trust we will all have fun in the future. Now, I am off to bed. I must get my beauty sleep!

**Emperor Edelgard** : The rest of us should turn in for the night, as well. Sweet dreams, everyone!

*

**_[private message from memelord to Iced Coco – 3:12am]_ **

**memelord** : connie, how would you like to learn the art of the memes

**Iced Coco** : Memes? What on Earth are memes? You dare to disturb my beauty sleep for this?!

**memelord** : buckle up, connie.

**memelord** : prepare to be educated.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:16am]**

**Iced Coco** : Ah, good morning! What a fabulous day this is! *dabs*

**Dad Friend** : Connie, who taught you how to dab?

**memelord** : me

**Dad Friend** : Nice!

**Brigid Pride** : Constance! You and I are like sisters in the dabbing. Perhaps you would be liking to join a club with me?

**Iced Coco** : You are sweetest thing ever! Of course I will!

**Brigid Pride** : :D

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : So this explains what Constance was doing early this morning.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Not again...

**_Professor Byleth is online_ **

**Professor Byleth** : Students of the Ashen Wolves. I have been granted special permission from Lady Rhea for you to join either one of the three main houses of the Officers Academy :)

**Professor Byleth** : If you wish, that is.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : If it means actually receiving an education, that I cannot see the harm in it. Provided this means that Abyss will be protected. Which house is the most functional?

**Hubert von Vestra** : The Black Eagles.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Done.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Good decision.

**Dad Friend** : I’m from the Leicester Alliance. Which house are they in?

**I have a bad haircut** : That would be the Golden Deer, lead by Claude.

**Dad Friend** : Alright!

**Sad** : I dunno.

**Sad** : I choose the Prince’s house.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : We are lucky to have you with us, Hapi. I am sure you will fit in well.

**Sad** : Whatever you say.

**Iced Coco** : Oh my!

**Iced Coco** : Well, seeing as the lovely Petra and myself have a connection, I shall join her house! *dabs*

**Brigid Pride** : The Black Eagles! :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : Welcome, Constance. I hope you will benefit from being inside the prestigious Black Eagles.

**Emperor Edelgard** ; Just keep your dabbing to a minimum, please. 

*

_**[private message from Iced Coco to memelord - 8:17am]** _

**Iced Coco** : This is fun! 

**Iced Coco** : What else can you teach me?

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 8:18am]**

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus added Sad to the chat_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Everyone, please make Hapi feel welcome as she pursues her studies with us.

**Ashe** : Welcome, Hapi!

**Dedue** : You are most welcome here

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : It’ll be good to have another mage within the Blue Lions. Despite having a school of sorcery in the capital, we are not well known for our magic users. We have Mercedes and Annette, and that is about it.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : A majority of us are lance users.

**Sylvain Gautier** : I’m learning how to use black magic!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : And progress is as soon as a snail. No, even a snail moves faster!

**felix** : it’s not easy, ingrid.

**felix** : the professor wants me to learn it too

**felix** : said something about how it'll improve my swordplay

**Annie** : Hello!!!! :DDDD

**Mercie** : It’s nice to have another girl in the house! Sometimes I feel like we are overshadowed by the boys :3

**Sad** : Are they always like this, Princey?

**Fresh Prince off Faerghus** : They are just happy to have a new member of the class.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Oh! I didn’t mean to make a pun of your name.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : My apologies.

**Sad** : It’s fine.

**Sad** : It’s a dumb name, anyway.

**Dedue** : What would you prefer to be called?

**Sad** : I’ll get back to you on that.

**Sad** : Wonder how Yuri-bird and Coco are doing?

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 8:20am]**

**_Emperor Edelgard added Eyeliner on Fleek and Iced Coco to the chat_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yuri and Constance, welcome to the Black Eagle house. I hope you’ll fit in alright.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : As long as there’s no disruptions, it’s all good.

**Iced Coco** : You are all so kind to allow us to join your house! 

**Iced Coco** : To have a proper teacher sounds exciting!

**Iced Coco** : It is making me want to yeet with joy!

**Brigid Pride** : Our professor is most excellent!

**Brigid Pride** : We will all yeet with joy. 

**Diva Queen** : Oh no... 

**Diva Queen** : First Petra, now Constance...

**Diva Queen** : We will never be free

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : The Black Eagles have two house leaders! This will give us an advantage over the other two houses!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ah. Yuri, whilst I respect that you are the leader of the Ashen Wolves, I must insist that any matter regarding the Black Eagles be brought to me. I am the officially appointed house leader, after all.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : No problem, princess. Just leave any problems with Abyss and the Ashen Wolves to me, alright?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Naturally.

**Little King** : Hey! New people!

**Little King** : Shame we didn’t get the big guy, though.

**Linhardt** : Hmm...

**Little King** : Lin, do not stalk our newest members to see if they have an interesting Crest.

**Linhardt** : Aww....

**Linhardt** : Why must you ruin my fun?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Just so we are clear, I will not hesitate to end you if I feel the need to.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubie, no threatening the scary phantoms.

**Bernie** : AGHHHHHHHH!!! THE PHANTOMS!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Bernadetta! They are not phantoms!

**Bernie** : Are... Are you sure????

**Emperor Edelgard** : Positive. I have seen them for myself.

**Emperor Edelgard** : They are humans, just like us.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Sorry about these lot. They can be a little eccentric at times.

**Emperor Edelgard** : At least we are not the Golden Deer.

*

**[house of memes – 8:21am]**

**_memelord added Dad Friend to the chat_ **

**memelord** : golden deer, assemble!

**Beefy Boi** : Here! :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Here :)

**delicate flower** : here

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : here

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Here!

**Marianne <3**: here!

**I have a bad haircut** : ...

**I have a bad haircut** : Here.

**memelord** : nice!

**memelord** : welcome balthus, to the house of memes

**memelord** : lead by moi, the only and only claude von riegan

**Dad Friend** : Yes, I know who you are.

**Dad Friend** : Hey, people! Nice to see some fellow Alliance folks around.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Is it true that you know Hilda’s older brother?

**Dad Friend** : Holst? Yeah, we went to the Academy together back in the day.

**Dad Friend** : We had some good times.

**Dad Friend** : He always excelled in everything.

**delicate flower** : sounds like him

**delicate flower** : me? im just a delicate flower.

**delicate flower** : i can barely lift an axe.

**_[Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice shared a link: I_Doubt_That.vid]_ **

**delicate flower** : leonie!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Stop shying away from everything!

**memelord** : we like the gently bully each other

**memelord** : builds team spirit

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hmph

**memelord** : anyway!

**memelord** : nearly time for class!

**memelord** : just need to send a message to hubie

**I have a bad haircut** : Dare I ask why?

**memelord** : you'll see ;)

*

**_[private message from memelord to Hubert von Vestra – 8:26am]_ **

**memelord** : hubie, you know we have chores together this week?

**memelord** : how would you like to outsource them? and get them done earlier than usual?

**Hubert von Vestra** : ...

**Hubert von Vestra** : Go on.

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 11:00am]**

**Professor Byleth** : How are the Ashen Wolves fitting in?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Hapi seems a little quiet, but she is excelling in her magic studies.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yuri and Constance are studying as diligently as then can.

**memelord** : baltie and raph got in a grappling fight in the front of the classroom

**Professor Byleth** : So business as usual.

**Professor Byleth** : I want to address some concerns you’ve raised over the past few days since my return from the fighting tournament. Namely how I managed to wield Areadbhar and Failnaught.

**memelord** : alternate timeline theory!

**Professor Byleth** : No.

**Professor Byleth** : They are mock ups. I requested for them to be made so that they work in a manner similar to the real things.

**Professor Byleth** : Obviously, I cannot use the actual weapons in battle, as that would cause me to be immediately disqualified. But I think the likeness is pretty accurate!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You had me fooled, Professor!

**memelord** : i prefer my theory

**Professor Byleth** : I know you do.

**Professor Byleth** : Keep working on making the Ashen Wolves happy. Lady Rhea is giving them a trial run. If they cause any form of ruckus, they will be sent back to the Abyss with no chance of returning.

**Professor Byleth** : Do not mess this up for me.

**Emperor Edelgard** : We shall try, Professor.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:20pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : How was your first taste of an official lesson? :)

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Whilst I couldn’t help but worry about those in Abyss, it did make a nice change of pace to have an official professor

**Sad** : It was fine

**Iced Coco** : Perfectly terrific!

**Dad Friend** : You are all so young and cute.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hey!

**Dad Friend** : I meant it in a good way :)

**Dad Friend** : It’s lunchtime now, yeah? Hope they’ve got good food.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : We can also do our own activities during lunch break. I like to find a nice spot to do some painting :)

**Bernie** : Bernie likes to read.

**Bernie** : Inside her bedroom :D

**Brigid Pride** : Coco! May we be meeting for our meme club now?

**Iced Coco** : Certainly!

**Sad** : I’ll just hang with you guys.

**Sad** : You seem okay.

**Marianne <3 **: Hilda and I are going to have a tea party now.

**delicate flower** : you can join us, if you want!

**Mercie** : Yes, that would be lovely :3

**Annie** : Thank you!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubie and I were going to have lunch together, but he vanished from the classroom as soon as the bell rang.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : He did? How curious.

**Dedue** : I saw him head towards the stables.

**Little King** : Hubert and horses? This doesn’t bode well.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I was due to meet with Claude, but he is also absent. Has anyone seen him?

**delicate flower** : nope

**felix** : no

**Sylvain Gautier** : ‘Fraid not, Your Highness.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : ...

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I saw Claude go towards the stables.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hubert and Claude?

**Emperor Edelgard** : What could they be doing there?

**Linhardt** : I thought chores weren’t for another few days?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : How strange.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Wait, do you guys hear that?

**Ashe** : Yes! :O

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Sounds like horses to me.

**Eyeliner of Fleek** : Someone must have let them out.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Why would they let the horses out?!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:40pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Students.

**Professor Byleth** : Care to explain why the horses are eating the grass in front of the classrooms?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now to curl in bed and finish the dlc
> 
> If you wish to stalk me on twitter: https://twitter.com/GrumpyCupcake94


	19. Having a Moment(TM)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 1:34pm]**
> 
> **Seteth** : Professor Byleth. Are you holding an outdoor class, by any chance? Why are all the students scattered around outside?
> 
>  **Professor Byleth** : Seteth! How lovely to see you! I thought that, what with the weather being so warm, it would be a good excuse to learn how to ride a horse! Some of the students have certifications coming up, after all!
> 
>  **Seteth** : I see.
> 
>  **Seteth** : So that would explain why the horses are running rampant about the campus. With no saddles or reins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, guess who has signed her life away at work and is editing this at midnight?
> 
> Me!
> 
> yay.

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:41pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Well?

**Professor Byleth** : Does anyone know why?

**Brigid Pride** : I am sorry, Professor. I am not knowing the reasoning why.

**Bernie** : me neither!!!!!!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’m afraid I don’t know why the horses are running freely, Professor, but I will be happy to assist in retrieving them.

**Marianne <3**: I’ll help! Dorte is very sensitive. You need to be gentle with him :)

**delicate flower** : ooh, let me help as well!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : How many horses are currently out?

**Professor Byleth** : All of them.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : All of them?! How are we going to round them all up?!

**I have a bad haircut** : Carefully.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Well, it was nice talking to you. Back to Abyss I go.

**Dad Friend** : I would help, but horses hate me. Especially those winged ones.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : They are gentle creatures, really.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Once you get to know them.

**Dad Friend** : I’ll pass, thanks.

**Iced Coco** : Ooh, I will help you collect the pegasuses! Pegasi? What is the plural of pegasus?!

**Sad** : I suppose I’ll help.

**Professor Byleth** : All those who are able to help out, please do. Before the horses run amok throughout the academy.

**Professor Byleth** : Whoever is responsible, and I know who you are:

**Professor Byleth** : I am not angry.

**Professor Byleth** : Just disappointed.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 1:04pm]**

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Why do we have so many horses?!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : because

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : we just do

**Mercie** : At least we are slowly gathering them back up :3

**Annie** : And none of them are too aggressive today :)

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : One of them has just bitten Ignatz.

**Annie** : Never mind :3

**Hubert von Vestra** : Might I suggest tranquillisers? 

**Professor Byleth** : No.

**Professor Byleth** : Leonie, take Ignatz to Professor Manuela. Everyone else, keep on working.

**Beefy Boi** : No need, Leonie! I’ll do it! I’m not too good with these horses :( But you seem to know what you are doing!

**delicate flower** : how are we going to figure out who did it?

**Professor Byleth** : I already know who did it.

**Professor Byleth** : I am just waiting for them to come forward and admit it.

**I have a bad haircut** : I fear that you are putting too much faith in the culprit, Professor. I doubt someone so cowardly as this would just come clean.

**memelord** : It was me.

**I have a bad haircut** : ...

**I have a bad haircut** : I stand corrected.

**memelord** : I’m sorry, Professor. I was the one who set the horses out. I figured I could do two tasks in one and let the horses eat the weeds. I didn’t think it would spiral out of control so rapidly.

**memelord** : Please, just put me out of my misery.

**memelord** : What is my punishment?

**Hubert von Vestra** : No, I was the one who let the horses out.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Claude came up with the idea, but it was I who carried it out. I set off a miasma spell to cause them to scatter across the campus. Please, accept my apologies.

**Hubert von Vestra** : What is my punishment?

**Professor Byleth** : So it was the two of you. Thank you. Because you’ve come clean, I will not ban you from the chat room. Instead, I will give you both a weekend detention, effective from tonight until Monday morning. You may not leave the campus during this time, and you will both have extra essays to complete. Understood?

**memelord** : Perfectly.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Yes, Professor.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude...

**delicate flower** : and it was this moment that he realised

**delicate flower** : he’s gay as shit

**Professor Byleth** : Enough talking. You are excused from class until all the horses have been rounded up.

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 1:34pm]**

**Seteth** : Professor Byleth. Are you holding an outdoor class, by any chance? Why are all the students scattered around outside?

**Professor Byleth** : Seteth! How lovely to see you! I thought that, what with the weather being so warm, it would be a good excuse to learn how to ride a horse! Some of the students have certifications coming up, after all!

**Seteth** : I see.

**Seteth** : So that would explain why the horses are running rampant about the campus. With no saddles or reins.

**Professor Byleth** : Catching wild horses is an important skill! You never know when you might need to get a horse that doesn’t the proper equipment. It could be the difference between life and death, especially on the battlefield!

**Seteth** : Oh! How very thoughtful of you, Professor. Teaching the students to use their initiative is important, after all :) Carry on.

**Professor Byleth** : Will do! :D

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 1:35pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hurry up before Seteth kills us all.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:18pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : And that is the last of them. Thank you, students. I have spoken to Hanneman and Manuela, and they have agreed to let you have the rest of the afternoon off. Claude, Hubert, please come to my office.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Good luck, Claude!

**Sylvain Gautier** : You have a weird taste in men, Your Highness.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Why couldn’t you have settled for someone less... Chaotic?

**Ashe** : Leave him alone :O

**Annie** : Yeah! It’s not his fault he’s moronsexual!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Excuse me?

**Little King** : Moronsexual? What’s that?

**Dedue** : Yes, please tell us.

**Linhardt** : It’s when someone is exclusively attracted to morons. Like how His Highness seems to love Claude for his stupidity.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : claude isn’t dumb

**felix** : if anything, claude is the one who is moronsexual

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am not that stupid, surely?

**felix** : i beg to differ

**I have a bad haircut** : In a way, they are both moronsexual.

**Diva Queen** : That makes sense. The amount of gay panic they both experienced during their pining phase is evidence enough.

**Brigid Pride** : Oh, I am getting it know!

**Brigid Pride** : I am wondering who else is experiencing the sexual of the moron. Someone who is attracted to someone of a lesser intelligence...

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Can we please the leave the topic of mine and Claude’s relationship alone?! We are both happy together, and I will love him no matter what he does.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Within reason, of course.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Nice to see that the horses have been tamed. I’m not too good with them, I’m afraid.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : So, Your Highness, how does it feel knowing that you are dating a rebel without a cause? Have a soft spot for bad boys, do you?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : hfjerhrfuwkeihoqk!!!

**delicate flower** : PFFFTTTT!!!!

**delicate flower** : yuri going in FOR THE KILL!!

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus is offline_ **

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I may have hit a nerve, there.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : His Highness is sensitive about his love life. He won’t explain why.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I see.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Tell him I apologise for overstepping any boundaries.

**Annie** : Don’t worry, we will!

**Diva Queen** : So, Yuri, I have been dying to know where you got your eyeliner from.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Want to see my collection?

**delicate flower** : yes please! ooh, can we give each other makeovers?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I don’t see why not.

**delicate flower** : Yay! :D

**Diva Queen** : Oh, and we can use face masks and give each other manicures. My nails need repainting.

**Brigid Pride** : Might I be joining in?

**Marianne <3**: um... I think i’m okay.

**Marianne <3**: I want to spend some time with Dorte.

**Bernie** : my room is safe

**Bernie** : i’ll stay here thank you!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I will pass, thank you. 

_**Emperor Edelgard is offline** _

**Diva Queen** : Edie?!?!

**Diva Queen** : Sorry, my Edie needs me!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : As much as I would love the join you, I am afraid that I am occupied right now.

**I have a bad haircut** : What are you doing, Ferdinand?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : ...

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Nothing!

**Little King** : Composing your new opera?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : No!!!

**Dad Friend** : You write operas? Huh.

**Iced Coco** : Oh! You must tell me more!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : It is a passion project of mine. Full of intrigue and mystery!

**Hubert von Vestra** : It is a gender-swapped version of the Phantom of the Opera. With myself as the titular Phantom.

**Eyeliner of Fleek** : That makes sense.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You scare the shit out of everyone.

**Hubert von Vestra** : That is my desired outcome, yes.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Claude is hiding away in his room. The Professor was rather harsh on him. Not just about the horse incident, but about a lot of stuff he’s done. I have never seen him be reduced to tears so quickly.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : wait, claude cried?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : shit

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : This is bad.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : This is very bad!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Emergency Golden Deer Meeting!

**I have a bad haircut** : I thought I was the one who took over when Claude isn’t around.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Shut the fuck up and get in that damn classroom!

**I have a bad haircut** : yes, mother...

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Huh, wonder what that was all about.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Are your house leaders always like this?

**Little King** : Not all the time...

**Linhardt** : Just occasionally.

**Mercie** : I’m worried about His Highness :(

**Annie** : Same. It’s not like his to go quiet like this.

**Dedue** : Perhaps we should go track him down?

**Ashe** : Yes, let’s!

**Hapi** : I’ll go with you. He is technically my house leader now

**Hapi** : Sorry, Yuri.

**Dad Friend** : And I’ll go join with the Golden Deer meeting.

**Dad Friend** : Sorry!

**Iced Coco** : You've got me, Yuri!

**Brigid Pride** : You are still having me, Yuri. I would like to learn your technique to getting the markings under your eyes. Perhaps you can teach me?

**Brigid Pride** : Does it have a meaning like mine?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : What does yours mean?

**Brigid Pride** : I will tell you everything there is about Brigid! It is my pride and joy!

*

**[house of memes – 2:30pm]**

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : So, we need to figure out how to cheer Claude up.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Sorry for my absence! I got a nasty bite from that horse. Raph has filled me in on everything. What shall we do?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : dimitri is usually good at this, but he’s being a little edgelord himself

**delicate flower** : unfortunately for us...

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Think! What cheers him up more than anything else!

**Beefy Boi** : memes?

**I have a bad haircut** : Are you seriously suggesting that we stoop to his level?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Yes! It’s the only way to let him now that we still appreciate him for all that he does, despite his... Activities.

**Marianne <3**: What could we do?

**delicate flower** : what meme can we do that will cheer him up?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I’ve got it!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : We will need some talcum powder

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Or some flour.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Any white powder, really.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Erm... Leonie?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Not like that!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Y’all nasty!

**Dad Friend** : You’re the one who said we could use any white powder we wanted.

**Dad Friend** : I know a supplier if you’re interested.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : NO!

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 2:33pm]**

**Diva Queen** : Guys! Edie is having a moment!

**Little King** : I hope she’s alright...

**Brigid Pride** : A moment?

**Brigid Pride** : She is feeling the moodswing?

**Linhardt** : Perhaps she is experiencing some womanly issues?

**Diva Queen** : Do not talk about my Edie like that!

**Bernie** : I’m scared...

**Bernie** : everything is falling apart!!!!!!!

**Diva Queen** : We will fix this!

**Diva Queen** : Somehow.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Flowers and a box of chocolates?

**Hubert von Vestra** : That’s what women like, isn’t it?

**Diva Queen** : Hubert, you are too gay for you own good.

**Diva Queen** : But it will work!

**Diva Queen** : Say, Hubie? Be a darling and fetch it for me??? 

**Hubert von Vestra** : She's your girlfriend. You get it. 

**Diva Queen** : I am comforting her, Hubie!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I will go, Dorothea. What shall I get?

**Diva Queen** : Chocolates and roses! Thank you! :3

**Little King** : Bring me some!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Get your own.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I am not made of money.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : And here I thought the Black Eagles were the functional house.

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 2:34pm]**

**Mercie** : No sign of His Highness anywhere :(

**Dedue** : I have tried to message him, but he is not responding.

**Ashe** : I’m worried.

**Annie** : Same here D:

**felix** : he’ll be fine

**felix** : i think

**Sylvain Gautier** : What shall we do?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I trust that His Highness will come out of hiding when he is ready. Perhaps we should talk to the Ashen Wolves so that this doesn’t happen again?

**Dedue** : Agreed.

**Sad** : Don’t upset the Prince’s feelings.

**Sad** : Got it.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:35pm]**

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Attention, Ashen Wolves!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Yo.

**Iced Coco** : Yes?

**Dad Friend** : You rang?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : My name is Ingrid Brandl Galatea, childhood friend of His Highness Prince Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd. I have gathered you all here to humble request that you do not hurt anyone’s feelings! Light jokes are fun, but there are certain lines we do not cross! His Highness does not like people making fun of his love life, or assuming that he is not deserving of his boyfriend. Do not do it again!

**Dad Friend** : ...

**Dad Friend** : His initials spell out DAB?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Did you even hear what I said?

**Dad Friend** : Yeah, yeah, I heard ya. It’s just funny that his initials spell out DAB, and he is dating a memelord.

**Dad Friend** : They were meant for each other.

**Iced Coco** : That they were!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I have already apologised for my mistake. I want to tell him to his face when he comes back online.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Well, as long as we are clear.

**felix** : you sounded like such a try hard then

**felix** : you could have just said “don’t press people’s buttons” and be done with it

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : That has... Other implications!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Literally no one else was thinking that, Ingrid.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Got something on your mind that you want to tell us?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : NO!

**Brigid Pride** : Yuri, please be holding still. I cannot set the braid right if you keep moving.

**Brigid Pride** : And what is this button you are pressing?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : NOTHING.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : FORGET I SAID ANYTHING!

**Diva Queen** : My, Ingrid, I have never seen you so flustered before.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Let’s change topic. Like what on Earth the Golden Deer are doing with a ton of flour?

**Little King** : Looks like they’re about to antique each other! Looks like fun!

**Linhardt** : Why would they cover each other in flour? What is the fun in that?

**Little King** : Come on, Linnie! Let’s join in :D

**Linhardt** : No thanks.

**Little King** : I’ll let you throw some flour at me??

**Linhardt** : Why would I want to??

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Sounds incredibly childish.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I want to join in.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I knew you would.

**Diva Queen** : Not before you’ve gotten those presents for Edie!

**Bernie** : I... I want in as well!!!

**Bernie** : I can’t spend all day holed up indoors!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Come join in, Bernadetta!

**Dad Friend** : Oh yeah, they’re thinking of ways to cheer Claude up. This is what they came up with.

**Annie** : Oh! I could add some coloured powders into the mix!

**Mercie** : That sounds like a lot of fun! I will join in!

**Ashe** : And me!

**Dedue** : I am okay to sit out. Perhaps you need a cameraman?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Alright! Let’s do it, Felix!

**felix** : ugh

**felix** : fine

**Diva Queen** : I would join in, but I am still with Edie. Show me the result, though!

**Sad** : I’ll pass.

**Sad** : I don’t want my uniform to be stained and...

**Sad** : BALTHUS!!!!

**Sad** : WHAT DID I JUST SAY!?!?

*

**_[private message from Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice to memelord – 3:41pm]_ **

**_Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice posted a link: colour_fight.mov_ **

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Claude, we all care about you. You are an incredibly important person to us all, and our lives wouldn’t be the same without you. And getting the horses to eat the weeds was pretty funny. So, whenever you are ready to rejoin the group chat, we will all welcome you back :)

**memelord** : !!!

**memelord** : <3

**memelord** : thank you, leonie

*

**_[private message from Eyeliner on Fleek to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 3:42pm]_ **

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Your Highness, please allow me to apologise for my behaviour earlier today. I spoke without thinking, and it was wrong of me to do so. I think you and Claude are an inspiration to us all.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Thank you. I have been spending the time with Claude in his room. We are both alright now.

**Eyeliner of Fleek** : That’s good :)

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : By the way, got any tips on how to talk to a guy?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Not for me, but for the big guy.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : He’s so dense he doesn’t realise he’s pining.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Oh? For who?

*

**_[private message from I am Ferdinand von Aegir to Emperor Edelgard – 3:43pm]_ **

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Lady Edelgard! I have some chocolates and roses for you!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Why is the box empty?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : We got hungry.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Throwing coloured powder at each other really makes you work up an appetite!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Oh...

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to give the other characters some time in the spotlight, hence the absence of the house leaders.
> 
> I like to keep things fresh! :3


	20. The Battle of the Wolf and Lion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:03pm]**
> 
> **Diva Queen** : FERDINAND VON AEGIR, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!
> 
>  **Hubert von Vestra** : Music to my ears.
> 
>  **Little King** : Hubert! That’s your boyfriend!
> 
>  **Hubert von Vestra** : I know.
> 
>  **Linhardt** : I believe the two of them have the type of relationship where the more they hate each other, the more their love grows
> 
>  **Linhardt** : Much like Felix and Sylvain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AS PROMISED, THE BATTLE BETWEEN YURI AND FELIX
> 
> If you are wondering where this spur of energy is coming from, which has resulted in me posting three fics in three days, it's because my serotonin levels are actually high enough for me to write! 
> 
> Making the most of it before I crash and burn and end up staring at the ceiling whilst contemplating my existence.

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 3:45pm]**

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus added Eyeliner on Fleek to the chat_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Edelgard, Claude, I have added Yuri to this private chat. It only makes sense, after all. He is a house leader like us.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Naturally. Lovely to see you on here, Yuri.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Thank you, Edelgard. I did actually need to ask something of you.

**Emperor Edelgard** : What do you need?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I need help.

**memelord** : who you pining for?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Not me, but Balthus. I am under the impression that he is pining for Hilda's older brother, Holst. 

**memelord** : on it.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Huh?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Are you going to add Balthus to your Brotherhood of Chaos?

**memelord** : yep. see if i can’t get some information out of him

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Good luck. He’s so in denial that even he doesn’t realise it.

**memelord** : don’t worry, we have a secret weapon on our side

*

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 3:47pm]**

**_memelord added Dad Friend to the chat_ **

**delicate flower** : baltie! you’re here! :D

**Dad Friend** : Brotherhood of Chaos?

**delicate flower** : yes! we are the most chaotic bitches in the school

**delicate flower** : and part time private investigators

**Dad Friend** : So who else is part of this group?

**memelord** : dima, hilda, bernie, caspar, hubie, sylvain, and raphael

**Dad Friend** : And you’d thought I’d be a good addition to your little gang? Heh, I’d admire your guts, kiddos.

**Beefy Boi** : That’s right! :D

**Dad Friend** : So what do you do apart from cause chaos and solve the occasional crime?

**Little King** : Mostly just hang out!

**memelord** : with bernie loitering around

**Bernie** : huhhh???? me??? what have i done now??!!!!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Nothing, Bernadetta.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : So Balthus, is it true that you are friends with Hilda’s older brother? How did that come about?

**Dad Friend** : Holst and I attended the academy together. He was the leader of the Golden Deer house back in the day. Say, Hilda, why aren’t you the leader of the Golden Deer?

**memelord** : she’s lazy as shit

**delicate flower** : i have a very fragile body and mind. such responsibilities will surely cause me to wilt like a flower left out in the sun with no water!

**memelord** : plus, as the next leader of the alliance, it falls to me to lead this house to victory!

**Sylvain Gautier** : I see. So that explains why you lost the mock battle at the beginning of the year

**memelord** : okay, look...

**Hubert von Vestra** : You spent the entire battle staring at His Highness

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You liked me even then, Claude? Why didn’t you say anything?

**delicate flower** : he a disaster gay, what did you expect?

**memelord** : says the girl who had a panic attack about talking to marianne

**delicate flower** : says the boy who panicked when he thought he’d killed the prince of faerghus!

**Dad Friend** : You nearly killed Prince Dimitri?

**Dad Friend** : Tell me more.

**Sylvain Gautier** : You’ll love this, Balthus. Trust me.

*

**_[private message from memelord to delicate flower – 4:01pm]_ **

**memelord** : hilda, tell me, is baltie pining for your brother?

**delicate flower** : i have no idea. all i know is that holst constantly wonders about baltie is doing. i shall have to ask him when i get the chance.

**memelord** : we potentially have another pining mess on our hands

**delicate flower** : that we do

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:03pm]**

**Diva Queen** : FERDINAND VON AEGIR, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Music to my ears.

**Little King** : Hubert! That’s your boyfriend!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I know.

**Linhardt** : I believe the two of them have the type of relationship where the more they hate each other, the more their love grows

**Linhardt** : Much like Felix and Sylvain

**felix** : hmph

**Brigid Pride** : Why would you love someone you have the hatred for? 

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Never mind that, what has Ferdinand done so bad that Dorothea will openly threaten to kill him?

**Diva Queen** : HE ATE THOSE CHOCOLATES I ASKED HIM TO GET EDIE

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Ah.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Carry on.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Ingrid! Not you, too! I swear it was an accident!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Oh! Those chocolates he shared out were meant for Lady Edelgard?! Please, forgive me! I had no idea!

**Marianne <3**: I’m sorry...

**Brigid Pride** : Please be accepting my apology! 

**Mercie** : Perhaps I can make some more up for her?

**Annie** : I did wonder where such luxurious chocolates came from???

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : If it’s any consolation, they were delicious.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : not helping, leonie

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean it like that.

**Emperor Edelgard** : It is alright. So long as he shared the chocolates. Though he did mention that you were throwing coloured dust at each other?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : It started out as the Golden Deer antiquing each other, and then escalated from there.

**Sad** : I have this stuff everywhere!

**Sad** : Balthus, you son of a bitch!

**Dad Friend** : Hey, you had such a grumpy look on your face. I figured you needed some cheering up.

**I have a bad haircut** : I desperately need a wash, but I must admit that it was fun. For a while.

**I have a bad haircut** : I cannot help that everyone ganged up on me.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : cos we did

**Ashe** : I didn’t!

**Dedue** : Neither did I.

**delicate flower** : i did :D

**Brigid Pride** Seeing such bright colours reminds me of home. How long will they last for, I wonder?

**Dedue** : It will likely wash away when the rain falls.

**Annie** : Aww :(

**Mercie** : We can always do it again :3

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Right!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Though we should probably wash our uniform so we have something clean to wear tomorrow.

**I have a bad haircut** : Do you not have a spare uniform, Leonie?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Not everyone can afford a spare, Lorenz! I have to make do with just the one.

**Mercie** : You can borrow one of my shirts, if you want? We’re similar heights, after all :3

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Thank you, Mercedes. I will try and wash my uniform first, and then rely on other people if I need to.

**Mercie** : Okay :D

**Diva Queen** : FERDINAND VON AEGIR

**Diva Queen** : HOLD STILL AND ACCEPT YOUR FATE

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Dorothea, please!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubert, help me!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Perish.

**Iced Coco** : Hubert! I thought you and Ferdinand were dating? Why are you being mean to the love of your life?!

**Hubert von Vestra** : He knows I don’t mean it.

**Hubert von Vestra** : As if Dorothea could cause him any harm.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : she just picked him up and dumped him into the fishing pond

**Hubert von Vestra** : Well then.

**Brigid Pride** : Dorothea! I did not know you had the strength in you!

**Diva Queen** : Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

**memelord** : man, these poor fish. first sylvain, and now ferdie

**memelord** : perhaps we should chuck leonie in to balance things out

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Why me?!

**memelord** : you’re ginger

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Fair point.

**felix** : why not add annette into the mix?

**Annie** : Do that and I will kill you :D

**Ashe** : Please don’t fight!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Dorothea, please help Ferdinand out of the pond.

**Diva Queen** : But Edie!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am certain that Ferdinand did not mean to. And seeing as how he shared them out instead of eating them himself, I can forgive him.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I need a bath...

**Dad Friend** : Still think that the Black Eagles are the functional house, Yuri?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I am having second thoughts...

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Prince Dimitri, got room for one more?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You should stay where you are, Yuri. I am not saying that the Blue Lions don’t want you, it’s more that Felix will challenge you to a fight before you’ve even step foot inside the classroom

**felix** : thank you for reminding me, boar

**felix** : eyeliner, face me

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Hold on. I don’t throw myself into a fight for no reason. Name your prize. What happens if you manage to beat me?

**felix** : hmm...

**felix** : alright, if i win, you have to let me wear your house cape for the rest of the week.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Someone is sour that he is not house leader

**felix** : shut the fuck up

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Interesting. Alright, here is what I want: if I win, you have to openly declare your love for Sylvain, with no insults. I know the two of you are dating, yet you constantly deny that you have any feelings for him.

**felix** : !!!!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Felix, admitting how he is feeling without masking it with insult? Should be interesting.

**Annie** : :O

**Dedue** : I wonder if he will accept

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I don’t know if he will

**Hubert von Vestra** : Heh. Yuri knows the weakness of our little Blue Lion.

**Little King** : Go on, Felix! You can do it!

**Brigid Pride** : He will get the victory!

**Linhardt** : No, he won't. I have taken the time to examine Yuri's Crest. He can prevent counterattacks.

**Little King** : But Felix has that fancy powerful Crest, right? The one that makes him hit things really hard!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : The Crest of Fraldarius. And a major one, at that. It’ll be hard to determine who wins.

**Iced Coco** : Yuri also has a major Crest! He can easily beat Felix!

**felix** : i accept

**Mercie** : :O

**Ashe** : :O

**Marianne <3**: Oh...

**Marianne <3**: Try not to get hurt.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Do not fret, Marianne, we will only be using training weapons. Now, Felix, meet me at the training yard.

**felix** : done

**Sylvain Gautier** : I gotta to watch this

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : It will be an experience, for sure. 

**memelord** : i would, but i promised ashe that i’d help him train

**memelord** : still want to practice with me, ashe?

**Ashe** : Oh, yes please! :D

**memelord** : we’ll go to the knights’ hall, just so yuri and felix can have their sparring match

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am glad that you’re feeling better, Claude.

**memelord** : yep.

**memelord** : the memelord is back, bitches!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : joy

**Brigid Pride** : Claude! You have returned! I will be eagerly awaiting our next meme lessons :D

**memelord** : of course :D

**delicate flower** : baltie, wait!

**delicate flower** : i have some questions to ask you >;3

**Dad Friend** : No, I will not tell Holst that you have been scoring top marks on your exams. Nor will I tell him that you don’t want Freikugel when you become of age.

**delicate flower** : dammit!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:21pm]**

**Sad** : Guess I’m the one who has to watch over this thing. Ugh, fine.

**Sad** : Don’t kill each other. First one to be knocked on the floor wins.

**Sad** : Go.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Wait! Being disarmed also counts as a loss. Makes it best of three rounds :)

**Sad** : Fine.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Felix Hugo Fraldarius, I challenge you to a duel. Do you accept, knowing what has to happen if you lose?

**felix** : yuri whatsyourname, shut up and fight me already

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Eager, aren’t we? Alright. Bring it on!

**Mercie** : Be careful!

**Annie** : Don’t hurt each other!

**Iced Coco** : It has been such a long time since Yuri has been in a proper sparring match like this! I do hope he isn’t too rusty.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I can tell that Felix doesn’t want to lose.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : He doesn’t want to admit that he has Feelings™

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : To think, when we were children, Felix was always the emotional one who would run crying to Sylvain.

**Dad Friend** : Is that so?

**Dad Friend** : Thank you.

**Beefy Boi** : Did he just yell “cry baby”?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I think he did!

**Iced Coco** : Haha! A distraction technique!

**Sad** : Yuri listens to Taylor Swift, and doesn’t want anyone to know

**Sad** : Shout “Swiftie” and he will lose focus

**Iced Coco** : Hapi! We are meant to be cheering him on!

**Sad** : Makes no difference to me.

**Bernie** : please dont fight!!!!

**Little King** : It’s just a simple sparring match, Bernie! No biggie!

**Emperor Edelgard** : So Yuri and Felix are finally having their sparring match?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Who’s winning?

**Iced Coco** : Yuri!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Felix!

**Iced Coco** : My pretty boy is much better than yours!

**Sylvain Gautier** : At least my pretty boy doesn’t smell like raw sewage!

**Iced Coco** : How dare you!

**memelord** : ladies, i can hear your arguing from here. tone it down. ashe needs to focus.

**memelord** : also, #teamdima

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am not taking part, but thank you, Claude.

**memelord** : <3

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:26pm]**

**Annie** : And Felix takes the first round!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Well done, kid. Didn’t know you had it in you.

**felix** : you’re only two years older than me

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Two more years of experience.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Prepare yourself!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Go on, Fe! One more round and you’ve gotten yourself a fancy cape!

**Iced Coco** : Yuri! Do not let that amateur upstart get the better of you!

**memelord** : ashe, do not focus on them. focus on the target in front of you

**memelord** : nice one!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:30pm]**

**Sad** : Yuri-Bird win round two.

**Dad Friend** : One point to the wolves!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : It comes down to this, Felix. The head of the Wolves versus a mere lion cub.

**felix** : i am the heir to house fraldarius. i have a major crest. i will not lose!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:32pm]**

**felix** : fuck

**felix** : dammit it

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : It appears as though I have won. As promised, you must publicly profess your undying love to Sylvain.

**felix** : ...

**felix** : sylvain i love you

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Felix, you can do better than that

**Annie** : You can do it, Felix!

**Mercie** : We’re all behind you! :3

**Ashe** : We believe in you! :D

**Dedue** : We all do.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Felix, telling someone you love them is a daunting task, but as soon as you say, you will feel so much better. It is how I feel when I talk to Claude.

**felix** : shut up, boar

**felix** : Sylvain, I love you.

**felix** : happy?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Felix! You do care!

**felix** : put me down!

**Eyeliner on Point** : Now that is what I want to see.

**Eyeliner on Point** : So, Your Highness, about my transferal to the Blue Lions.

**Diva Queen** : WHAT?

**Little King** : Wait, what?!

**Linhardt** : Called it. 

**Bernie** : you’re leaving us? IM SORRY. WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU LEAVE US?!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Fascinating.

**Brigid Pride** : You are leaving us? I do not have understanding...

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : What is going on? You’ve been with us for a day, and you want to move?!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I want to experience each house in turn to see what they are all like. Seeing the Blue Lions all support each other, I want to witness it first-hand.

**Emperor Edelgard** : It is alright, Black Eagles. I support this move. Dimitri, do you have room for Yuri in your house? 

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : We are sadly not always like this.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You have caught us on a good day.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Either way, I would like to transfer to the Blue Lions.

**memelord** : soon you’ll be making your way to the golden deer

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : What would I gain from joining your house?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Give me a sales pitch

**memelord** : lysithea

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : damn right

**memelord** : and we have hilda!

**delicate flower** : <3

**memelord** : andandand marianne is the best girl.

**Marianne <3**: Oh, thank you!

**memelord** : and ignatz can do beautiful paintings!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Thank you, Claude! That's so good to hear!

**memelord:** and raph is an asbolute beast 

**Beefy Boi** : Hell yeah!

**memelord** : leonie can keep all of us is check when we are being too rowdy

**Captain Jeralt's Apprentice** : It's a skill that takes practice. 

**memelord** : the rest of the golden deer are alright, i suppose

**i have a bad haircut** : But that's just me! You've left me out!

**memelord** : yeah

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : lorenz has no rights

**Dad Friend** : They aren’t a bad bunch of kids, Yuri. You could do worse. Besides, have they told you the story about how Claude nearly killed Dimitri with some poison powder?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : ...

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Go on.

**memelord** : GUYS, COME ON

**memelord** : IT WAS ONE TIME

**delicate flower** : and the gay panic you experienced was a sight to behold. 

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 4:40pm]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : We never did get around to asking Balthus about Holst, did we?

**Emperor Edelgard** : We may need to bring Hilda into this. Holst is her brother, after all.

**memelord** : i wonder if he is just as confused as baltie?

**Emperor Edelgard** : We must pray that he is not

*

**_[private message from delicate flower to memelord – 4:51pm]_ **

**delicate flower** : bad news.

**delicate flower** : i asked holst about whether he had feelings for baltie, and he’s just spent ten minutes going on about much he missed him without actually answering my question

**delicate flower** : we’re fucked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, more pining!
> 
> *blows party horn*


	21. Dark Magic Duel Two: Electric Boogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Emperor Edelgard** : Hubert and Lysithea have this ongoing feud where they try to one-up each other. They are both dark magic specialists, after all.
> 
> **Eyeliner on Fleek** : That explains the banging.
> 
> **Eyeliner on Fleek** : And the screaming?
> 
> **memelord** : OH GOD EVERYTHING’S ON FIRE!!!
> 
> **Eyeliner on Fleek** : Ah.
> 
> **Eyeliner on Fleek** : Business as usual, then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, who wants something that came about as a result of wanting Lysithea and Hubert to have a support and being bitterly disappoined?
> 
> Cause that's what you've got.

**_[private message from delicate flower to memelord – 4:52pm]_ **

**delicate flower** : we gotta help my brother out. he’s got it bad.

**delicate flower** : it’s like watching you and dimitri dance around each other

**delicate flower** : yet somehow even worse!

**memelord** : have any ideas?

**delicate flower** : im tempted to tell baltie to just go visit holst...

**memelord** : bad idea

**memelord** : as the next alliance leader, i will arrested for hiding a known fugitive. i’ll never see dima again!

**delicate flower** : shame

**memelord** : and because you’re an accomplice of mine, you’ll also be arrested. you’ll never see marianne again.

**delicate flower** : !!!

**delicate flower** : so what do you suggest?

**memelord** : bring holst here instead of the other way around

**delicate flower** : my brother is very busy

**delicate flower** : i doubt he’ll just drop everything to come running here because his lost bf is here

**memelord** : try it

**memelord** : you might be pleasantly surprised ;)

*

**_[private message from delicate flower to memelord – 4:55pm]_ **

**delicate flower** : YOU SON OF A BITCH

**delicate flower** : HOW DID YOU GET THAT TO WORK?!

**memelord** : he coming over?

**delicate flower** : this sunday!

**memelord** : love turns people into fools ;3

**delicate flower** : like how you nearly killed dimitri?

**memelord** : ALRIGHT

**memelord** : LOOK

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 4:57pm]**

**memelord** : hilda’s bro holst is coming over at the weekend

**Emperor Edelgard** : Duke Holst? I thought he was busy guarding Fódlan’s Throat.

**memelord** : not too busy that he can’t visit a certain someone

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Balthus...

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I’m impressed. You actually managed to make some progress towards helping the big guy.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You can tell him, if you wish.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I'm sure it will cheer him up. 

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:01pm]**

**memelord** : everyone!

**memelord** : gather round!

**delicate flower** : got some exciting news!

**Annie** : Yay! Exciting news! :3

**delicate flower** : someone special is paying us a visit!

**Mercie** : Who??

**paint a fluffy cloud** : Oh? Who is it, Hilda? Your brother?

**Beefy Boi** : Your brother?

**Beefy Boi** : Oh! That’s right.

**Beefy Boi** : Duke Goneril. Isn’t he busy?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Even nobles need a break, right?

**delicate flower** : yep!

**delicate flower** : he's not too busy to visit a special someone!

**delicate flower** : isn’t that right, baltie?!

**Dad Friend** : Holst is going to come round?

**Dad Friend** : Nice!

**delicate flower** : he said he’ll come over on sunday!!

**Iced Coco** : How exciting! How long has it been since you’ve seen him, Balthus?

**Dad Friend** : A while!

**Sad** : You may not be able to see, but he has the dumbest grin on his face

**Sad** : It’s sickening

**Marianne <3**: Um... Hilda?

**delicate flower** : yes, baby girl?

**Marianne <3**: Does your brother approve of me?

**delicate flower** : of course he does! why wouldn’t he?

**Marianne <3**: Because I’m cursed.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : No, you’re not! You’re not cursed, Marianne!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i am

**Linhardt** : Same

**Little King** : Same

**Diva Queen** : Same

**Annie** : Why is everyone cursed :S

**Brigid Pride** : Same??

**Brigid Pride** : Why is everyone saying the ‘same’? Is there something I am missing?

**Hubert von Vestra** : We are all cursed, Petra. All of us.

**Brigid Pride** : I know a cure for the curse!

**Brigid Pride** : I shall offer up a prayer for all of your souls to alleviate your curses!

**Bernie** : Thank you!!! I don’t want to be cursed!

**Ashe** : Neither do I!

**Dedue** : What is this curse that has befallen us?

**memelord** : the curse of gay

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : nah, that’s just you

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : And Felix.

**felix** : hmph

**Sylvain Gautier** : You admitted that you loved me!

**felix** : i want a divorce

**Sylvain Gautier** : But we’re not even married!

**memelord** : i am!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Huh? Already?

**Emperor Edelgard** : It was a mock wedding that took place during a Religious Studies class.

**Sad** : If you want, we can make it official.

**Dad Friend** : An Ashen Wolves wedding!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I appreciate your kind offer, but I must refuse. I am not ready to tie to the knot quite yet.

**memelord** : :(

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Let me know if you change your mind, alright?

**Little King** : Lin! We could do that!

**Linhardt** : Maybe.

**Dad Friend** : You’re all partnered up, huh?

**Diva Queen** : Most of us, yes.

**Diva Queen** : Edie and I were the original couple here. Everyone else got together over the past few weeks.

**delicate flower** : marianne and i are best girls

**Marianne <3**: Thank you, Hilda.

**Brigid Pride** : I am not seeing a person right now. But I have made many friends here!

**Bernie** : Same here! I am quite happy being by myself :D

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I am not looking for anyone right now. I’d rather focus on my training.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Wish my father would get the hint.

**I have a bad haircut** : Attention!

**I have a bad haircut** : I have just received word that my father, Count Gloucester, is due to pay Garreg Mach a visit this coming Sunday!

**Dad Friend** : !!

**Sad** : I have never seen B’s expression go from overwhelming joy to sheer terror so quickly.

**I have a bad haircut** : Fear not! He merely wants to check in on my education.

**I have a bad haircut** : He made no mention of you, Balthus.

**Dad Friend** : Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

**I have a bad haircut** : Good! It means that he isn’t about to drag back to the Alliance by your ears and hang you in the dungeons by your thumbs.

**Bernie** : HWTAHFWEIFJKEWMJ

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : He doesn’t really do that, does he?!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I sincerely hope not! That is the most horrendous thing anyone can do to a person!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Our fathers would get along.

**I have a bad haircut** : I am joking, of course!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I’m not.

**Linhardt** : Fascinating.

**Linhardt** : They are still using torture methods of old.

**Little King** : Not cool!

**Little King** : Makes my stomach queasy just thinking of it!

**I have a bad haircut** : My father is not that sort of man! He is ruthless, but not cruel.

**Brigid Pride** : I am having confusion.

**Brigid Pride** : I have understanding about a Duke, but what is a Count? Is he someone who plays with numbers?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yeah, lorenz, does he play with numbers?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : is your father a mathematician?

**memelord** : such a big word, lysithea

**memelord** : well done

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : bite me

**memelord** : no thanks

**memelord** : i’ll save it for dima

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : ?!?!

**Sylvain Gautier** : So, His Highness likes to be bit, does he? Figured he’d have a secret side to him.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : NO!

**felix** : no.

**felix** : he just like to bite people

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : FELIX!

**Annie** : :O Bad Dimitri! No biting people!

**Dedue** : Please do not bite people.

**Ashe** : Is this true, Your Highness?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : NO!

**Mercie** : Now, now, let us not shame His Highness for what he likes to do :3

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Mercedes! Not you, as well!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : For the last time, I am not a vampire!

**memelord** : no, but hubert is

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Too true! Just the over day I walked into his room to find him sleeping on the floor with his arms folded over his chest.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : The worst part? His eyes were wide open.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Unblinking.

**Bernie** : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

**Hubert von Vestra** : These infernal mattresses are too soft for my back. I need to sleep on the floor for the full support.

**Little King** : But these mattresses are like rocks!!!

**Hubert von Vestra** : And it is still not enough.

**Little King** : Weirdo. 

**Dad Friend** : You kiddos are a strange bunch.

**Dad Friend** : I feel like a proud momma goose watching you all interact. 

**Sylvain Gautier** : How old are you, again?

**Dad Friend** : Older than you.

**Mercie** : Older than me?

**Dad Friend** : Yep.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : He can’t help himself.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : If he comes across anyone younger than him, he adopts them.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : And then encourages them to fly by shoving them from the nest.

**Dad Friend** : Exactly!

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 5:40pm]**

**Sylvain Gautier** : So, Your Highness...

**Sylvain Gautier** : About that biting.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am not a vampire, Sylvain.

**Annie** : Good! I would hate for you to go around drinking people’s blood!

**Mercie** : As long as you are having fun, Your Highness

**Mercie** : We will support you!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Your Highness, they are not talking about being a vampire.

**Ashe** : They aren’t?

**Dedue** : What are they talking about, then?

**felix** : don’t tell him

**felix** : let him figure it out for himself

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Figure what out?!

**Annie** : OH! I GET IT NOW!

**Annie** : Heehee :3

**Ashe** : ?

**Ashe** : AH!

**Ashe** : You really have to think outside the box, Your Highness.

**Dedue** : ... !

**Dedue** : Do not corrupt him.

**Dedue** : Leave his innocent mind alone.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You guys are giving me a headache.

**Annie** : Sorry, Your Highness! Just teasing you!

**Sylvain Gautier** : He is so pure.

**Sylvain Gautier** : So innocent.

**Sylvain Gautier** : So naïve.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am still here, you know.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Fine, I will go ask Claude.

**felix** : good luck

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 5:50pm]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude, what do they mean when they say that I enjoy biting people?

**memelord** : oh!

**memelord** : well...

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Edelgard, is this a common occurance?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Dimitri getting flustered over something he's missing and Claude struggling to tell him the truth?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Unfortunately.

**memelord** : it means...

**memelord** : how to put it...

**memelord** : it means that you are a vampire and that they are lying to you to make you flustered.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I knew it!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Thank you, Claude <3

*

**_[private message from Emperor Edelgard to memelord – 5:51pm]_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : You couldn’t bring yourself to tell him the truth, could you?

**memelord** : no

**memelord** : his mind is so pure

**memelord** : i cant do it

*

**_[private message from i wont hesitate, b*tch to Hubert von Vestra – 5:59pm]_ **

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i want a rematch

**Hubert von Vestra** : I accept your request.

**Hubert von Vestra** : You know where to meet me.

*

**[Ashes Wolves Group Chat – 6:05pm]**

**Sad** : Ugh, why does B still have that stupid look on his face?

**Iced Coco** : He is thrilled to see his old friend, of course!

**Sad** : Yeah, but he looks so dumb and lovestruck

**Iced Coco** : Well, it is not my fault that misery flows through your veins!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Didn’t take you for a poet, Constance.

**Iced Coco** : I have a way with words~~

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Anyway, can anyone else hear that commotion on top?

**Iced Coco** : I can! Whatever are they doing up there?!

**Sad** : Who knows?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I’ll go ask the house leaders. They’re bound to either know what is going on, have been dragged into the mess, or started it in the first place.

**Sad** : You mean Edelgard, Dimitri, and Claude in that order?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Yes.

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 6:08pm]**

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Is everything alright up there?

**Emperor Edelgard** : We’re fine!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Mostly.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : What’s happened.

**Emperor Edelgard** : You know when you put two highly competitive people together who both specialise in dark magic?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : ...

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Are two of your classmates hosting a dark magic contest?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : They are. The last time they met, they set the grass on fire.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : They are now sparring at the site of the old chapel.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Turns out that when two powerful dark spells combine, explosions can occur.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Why would they want to have another go after the first attempt failed?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hubert and Lysithea have this ongoing feud where they try to one-up each other. They are both dark magic specialists, after all.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : That explains the banging.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : And the screaming?

**memelord** : OH GOD EVERYTHING’S ON FIRE!!!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Ah.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Business as usual, then.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 6:10pm]**

**Hubert von Vestra** : Lysithea, what spell did you use, then?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : luna

**Hubert von Vestra** : And I used Banshee. An interesting result.

**Diva Queen** : HOW CAN THIS BE INTERESTING WHEN EVEYTHING IS ON FIRE?! I CAN SEE THE SMOKE FROM THE ACADEMY!

**Hubert von Vestra** : We were given permission to duel. So duel we shall.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Now, prepare your most powerful magic!

**Emperor Edelgard** : No, don’t!

**Linhardt** : Do it!

**Linhardt** : For the science!

**Annie** : Stay safe!

**Annie** : Don’t go too crazy!

**Dedue** : What is their most potent magic?

**Ashe** : I don’t know! Dark magic is so different to black magic.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Lysithea knows something called dark spikes. That is horrifying to think about!

**Beefy Boi** : Don’t ever want to be on receiving end of that!

**Bernie** : AH! ME NEITHER!

**memelord** : LYSITHEA!

**memelord** : HOLY SHIT

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : What the Hell is going on? The whole of the monastery just shook!

**Bernie** : EARTHQUAKE

**I have a bad haircut** : Everyone, go hide somewhere safe until the shaking has stopped!

**Marianne <3**: Oh no!

**delicate flower** : hold on! i’ll protect you!

**Ashe** : The sky! There’s a plume of purple smoke over by the abandoned chapel!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Everyone, head over to the chapel and check in on Hubert and Lysithea!

**Emperor Edelgard** : And Claude, as well.

**Mercie** : Oh no! D:

**Mercie** : I hope they’re alright! That was an awfully loud explosion.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubie!

**Little King** : Hubie’s gone, Ferdie.

**Linhardt** : He died for science.

**felix** : shame

**Sylvain Gautier** : F in chat for our fallen friends

**felix** : f

**Annie** : F

**Mercie** : F

**delicate flower** : f

**Little King** : F

**Linhardt** : F

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : F

**Beefy Boi** : F?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : What does “F” mean?

**Brigid Pride** : I have the confusion over this “F”?

**Diva Queen** : I don’t know what it means, either.

**Diva Queen** : Claude would know.

**I have a bad haircut** : But he’s dead.

**Sad** : They all dead

**Iced Coco** : How terrible! We must help them!

**Dad Friend** : They’ll be fine

**Dad Friend** : I think

**Iced Coco** : I’m going to check on them!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : im okay!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : the explosion missed me

**Emperor Edelgard** : And the other two?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hubert’s fine

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : claude’s totally dead, though

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : No!!

**_i wont hesitate, b*tch posted a link: he_ded_lmao.img_ **

****

**Annie** : He’s clearly faking it.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Obviously.

**delicate flower** : look at the smirk on his face

**delicate flower** : he’s loving this

**Beefy Boi** : He’s okay?!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Thank goodness. I was really worried then.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It will take more than that to kill me.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubie!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hmph.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : claude and hubert both have their bf’s hugging them

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : where’s my ‘im glad you’re not dead’ hug?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Right here!

**Beefy Boi** : And here!

**Marianne <3**: I’ll join in!

**delicate flower** : and me!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : make room for me!

**I have a bad haircut** : I suppose I shall join in.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : cant breathe

**Emperor Edelgard** : Now, have you finally settled things between you two?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Yes.

**i won’t hesitate, b*tch** : yes

**Emperor Edelgard** : Good. Now how do we put this fire out?

**Hubert von Vestra** : We wait.

**Linhardt** : Indeed. No amount of healing magic can put this fire out.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Great...

**Bernie** : Has the earthquake stopped?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Indeed it has!

**felix** : can i go back to training now

**felix** : kthnxbye

**Brigid Pride** : Ah! I am here!

**Brigid Pride** : I have perfected the spell!

**Brigid Pride** : Oh great heavenly spirit above! Please cleanse my friends of their curse! Bless their souls!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : We’ve made it.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Is Petra dabbing at the flames?

**memelord** : *sniff*

**memelord** : i’ve trained her well

**_Professor Byleth is online_ **

**Professor Byleth** : Students.

**Professor Byleth** : I am only going to ask you once.

**Professor Byleth** : Who is going to clean up this mess?

**Professor Byleth** : And if the answer isn’t “we are”, I will be very disappointed.

*

**_[private message from memelord to delicate flower – 6:21pm]_ **

**memelord** : dima’s just said, and i quote, “when they teased me about the biting, they meant it in a dirty way, didn’t they?”

**delicate flower** : that boy is far too precious

**delicate flower** : you must keep him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, halfway through my second Blue Lions playthrough: You get adopted, and you get adopted, and EVERYONE GETS ADOPTED! 
> 
> I love this game.


	22. Cake Wars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **memelord** : why are you shocked? i’m capable of doing nice things without ulterior motives!
> 
> **Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Press X to Doubt.
> 
> **felix** : x
> 
> **Eyeliner on Fleek** : x
> 
> **i wont hesitate, b*tch** : x
> 
> **Pegasus Knight 1180** : X
> 
> **Sylvain Gautier** : X
> 
> **Beefy Boi** : X
> 
> **Iced Coco** : X
> 
> **Sad** : X
> 
> **Dad Friend** : X
> 
> **Dedue** : X
> 
> **Ashe** : x?
> 
> **Marianne <3**: Um... X?
> 
> **paint a fluffy little cloud** : x???
> 
> **memelord** : alright, fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was playing some more Fe3H, and I accidentally forgot to give Edelgard flowers for her birthday. 
> 
> Sorry, Edie!

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 6:49pm]**

**memelord** : how’s cleaning going, lysithea?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : fuck off

**Hubert von Vestra** : Yes, Claude, go kindly fuck off.

**memelord** : hubie! what about our friendship???

**Hubert von Vestra** : My friendship with you has ended.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Lysithea is my best friend now.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yeah!

**memelord** : you wound me

**memelord** : still, at least im not the one who burnt down the old chapel by having a dark magic contest

**Hubert von Vestra** : Choose your next words carefully.

**Brigid Pride** : You are all experiencing the tension!

**Brigid Pride** : Is it the homoerotic kind?

**Diva Queen** : No, sweetie.

**Diva Queen** : Not even close.

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 7:30pm]**

**Brigid Pride** : Ha! I have completed the ritual! I am hoping that you are now all curse free?

**Bernie** : I don’t feel cursed, so I guess so!

**Linhardt** : I never felt cursed.

**Little King** : What did you do, Petra?

**Brigid Pride** : I dabbed to the flames. Normally I would just offer the Flame Spirit a prayer, but I felt I needed to do something more. I’ve heard the dabbing is soul cleansing, so I tried it out!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am still cursed. But that is just me.

**Hubert von Vestra** : My soul is as black the nights sky.

**Linhardt** : Actually, the night sky is more a deep, midnight blue.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Good enough for me.

**Diva Queen** : Edie! Guess what?!

**Emperor Edelgard** : What?

**Diva Queen** : It’s your birthday coming up soon!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Oh.

**Diva Queen** : OH?! What do you mean “Oh”?!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I completely forgot about it, to be honest. I am not one for celebrating.

**Bernie** : it’s lady edelgard’s birthday?! happy birthday!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you, but it is not until Sunday.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You are going to be eighteen, correct? A fine age to be!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I don’t want to do anything special.

**Iced Coco** : Why not?

**Emperor Edelgard** : I have never really celebrated my birthdays. Please, do not go out of your way to plan something for me. I am alright, really :)

*

**_[private message from Diva Queen to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 7:43pm]_ **

**Diva Queen** : Your Highness! I have a request :3

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Dorothea? What can I help you with?

**Diva Queen** : Can you create a group chat for me? It’s Edie’s birthday on Sunday, and I want to throw her a big surprise party! She says that doesn’t want anything, but I refuse to believe that!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Okay??? Who do you want to add to the chat?

**Diva Queen** : Definitely the rest of the Black Eagles. And whoever you think will be good from the Blue Lions and Golden Deer.

**Diva Queen** : Just not Claude.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Why not?

**Diva Queen** : No offence, Your Highness, but Claude has the habit of breaking everything he touches. I’d rather he didn’t ruin this surprise party.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Point taken.

*

**[Edelgard’s Birthday Surprise – 7:49pm]**

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus added eleven others to that chat_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Hello, all. Dorothea has asked me to put together a group chat for us all so that we can discuss Edelgard’s birthday.

**Diva Queen** : That’s right! I want to throw her a surprise party!

**Linhardt** : How taxing.

**Linhardt** : Didn't she say that she didn't want anything?

**Little King** : I’m in!

**Annie** : Ooooooh! Yay!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : But Edelgard’s birthday is on Sunday, the same day as Duke Goneril is due to arrive!

**Diva Queen** : I know, which is I figured we should throw in on Saturday.

**Diva Queen** : Now, Black Eagles! I want you to go gift shopping :3 Buy her something nice!

**Bernie** : oh, okay!

**Bernie** : what does she like?

**Diva Queen** : She likes a lot of things, but you can’t go wrong with some nice flowers!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : On it!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I assume that a nice tea set will suffice?

**Brigid Pride** : I will find Lady Edelgard something from Brigid!

**Linhardt** : If I must, I will buy her something.

**Linhardt** : Caspar, what would you buy an Emperor?

**Little King** : Something expensive?

**Linhardt** : Expensive it is, then.

**Little King** : I’ll get her a hand-crafted axe! I know a guy who makes them. I’m sure he’ll knock something up with very little time.

**Diva Queen** : Oh, thank you! :D

**Diva Queen** : Everyone else, His Highness has added you to chat for your set of skills that he thinks will be beneficial.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Right, of course. I have included Annette and Mercedes for their baking prowess. And whilst I do not know Hilda or Lorenz that well, they seem like they know how to organise a party like this.

**delicate flower** : yep! after all, i was the one who helped organise the karaoke party! :D

**I have a bad haircut** : A surprise party, you say? It shall be a high-class event befitting Her Highness’s lineage. Maybe we could get some hors d’oeuvres for the occasion? Perhaps some sparkling wine for those who can drink?

**Mercie** : Annie and I are baking a cake for Lady Edelgard? What an honour :3

**Annie** : Oh, what cake shall we bake?! Chocolate, vanilla, maybe a bit of strawberry if we’re feeling adventurous?!!!!

**Diva Queen** : I was thinking of a red velvet cake, myself. It’s sweet, but not too sweet. And given that Edie has white hair and wears a lot of red, I thought it would be a nice touch!

**Mercie** : Red velvet it is, then!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : What shall I do?

**Diva Queen** : Distract Claude. Keep him from figuring out this plan. No matter how much he tries to pester you, stay strong!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I will try.

**delicate flower** : claude need only give him the wounded look, though

**I have a bad haircut** : Indeed. It does seem that Claude has His Highness wrapped around his finger.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am not that bad! I do have some willpower.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Hardly any.

**Mercie** : Stay strong!

**Annie** : You can do it, Your Highness!

**Diva Queen** : Alright, everyone! We shall reconvene tomorrow, and start our preparations tomorrow after classed have ended. Night!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You are off to bed already? It is not yet curfew.

**Diva Queen** : I need some Me Time. 

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : May I just ask why I have only been allowed to include some of the Golden Deer and Blue Lions?

**Diva Queen** : Too many cooks spoil the broth. And too many people arguing over how to throw the perfect party for Edie ruins the fun.

*

**_[private message from memelord to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 8:06pm]_ **

**memelord** : dima

**memelord** : dima

**memelord** : dimitri

**memelord** : your highness

**memelord** : your princeliness

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Yes, Claude?

**memelord** : love you!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Love you, too.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : No, I will not tell you what I am doing.

**memelord** : :<

*

**_[private message from memelord to delicate flower – 8:07pm]_ **

**memelord** : hilda~~~~~

**delicate flower** : no

*

**_[private message from memelord to I have a bad haircut – 8:08pm]_ **

**memelord** : lorenz~~~~~

**I have a bad haircut** : No, Claude, I will absolutely not tell you about the plans for Lady Edelgard’s surprise birthday party on Saturday.

**memelord** : thank you~~~~

**I have a bad haircut** : ??

**I have a bad haircut** : !!!!!!

**I have a bad haircut** : DAMN YOU, CLAUDE!

**memelord** : i wont tell if you won’t ;)

**memelord** : i will even buy your silence

**I have a bad haircut** : How?

*

**[house of memes – 8:09pm]**

**_memelord changed I have a bad haircut’s name to Lorenz the Great_ **

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : who are you?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : And what have you done with the real Claude?

**Beefy Boi** : Hey, look at you, Lorenz! Finally got your name fixed!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Lorenz the Great?

**Dad Friend** : Well, that is something I never thought I’d see

**Marianne <3**: It suits him.

**Marianne <3**: At least, I think so.

**Lorenz the Great** : Thank you, Marianne. As usual, your presence is welcome.

**delicate flower** : claude

**memelord** : yes?

**delicate flower** : what are you doing?

**memelord** : nothing :3

**memelord** : i figured i would give lorenz a break and move onto someone else

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : dont you dare

**memelord** : you’re no fun

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 8:10pm]**

**Ashe** : Annette, Mercedes, what are you baking? It smells delicious!

**Annie** : Red velvet cake! Want to help?

**Ashe** : Sure! :D

**Dedue** : Baking this late at night? Are you getting in some practice for something?

**Mercie** : Of course not! Sometimes you just need to do some baking when the mood strikes you :3:3:3

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : But a red velvet cake? From the Blue Lions?

**felix** : must be for a party

**felix** : someone from the black eagles is probably having a birthday

**Sylvain Gautier** : Whose birthday is coming up?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : If I recall, Lady Edelgard’s birthday is this Sunday, the same day as Duke Goneril’s visit.

**felix** : there’s our answer

**felix** : they’re baking a cake for the princess

**Sylvain Gautier** : Given that they are doing in secret suggests a surprise party.

**Annie** : What?! No, that is ridiculous! You are all jumping to conclusions!

**Mercie** : Yeah! Are we not allowed to bake cakes late at night?!

**Sad** : You are

**Sad** : But it just makes you appear extra shady and suspicious

**Dedue** : This does indeed seem suspicious.

**Annie** : THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE!

**Annie** : RIGHT, YOUR HIGHNESS?!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Hmm?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Oh, right. Of course.

**felix** : called it

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Please, do not say anything. Edelgard doesn’t want a party, but Dorothea wants to throw her a surprise one on Saturday. Do not spoil it for her.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : We won’t.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Claude, on the other hand.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : He will not find out. I am being firm in not telling him.

**felix** : he’ll figure it out for himself

**Dedue** : Most likely.

*

**[The Anti-Birthday Squad – 8:16pm]**

**_memelord added fourteen others to the chat_ **

**memelord** : welcome, everyone

**memelord** : it has come to my attention that certain members of our houses are plotting to throw the imperial princess a birthday party this saturday

**felix** : nailed it

**Iced Coco** : How kind of them!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : The Anti-Birthday Squad? You’re not seriously suggesting we ruin it?!

**memelord** : course not.

**memelord** : im saying we plan our own party

**Sad** : How?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : How do we do that? Hilda isn’t with us, and neither is Lorenz.

**Beefy Boi** : We’ll manage, right?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Of course we will! The other group may have Hilda and Lorenz, but we have Lysithea! And Dedue! And Ashe!

**Dedue** : What do you require of me?

**Ashe** : And me???

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : what do i do?

**memelord** : we are going to plot in secrecy, and then replace their party with ours!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : A secret party that operates from the shadows? I like it. Very sneaky of you, Claude.

**felix** : huh...

**memelord** : with lorenz, they will no doubt be organising something high class and boring. the princess is turning eighteen. she needs to do something wild!

**Marianne <3**: Her Highness doesn’t strike me as the wild type.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yeah, she’s more subdued than she lets on

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i think we should give her a tea party. let her be herself

**Marianne <3**: You really like her, don’t you?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : she gives me cake

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : lorenz will create something so high end that it will drive her insane

**Beefy Boi** : So we’re planning something small? Nice!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : When I turned eighteen, everyone in my village pooled a small amount of money into a fund so that they could get me something special. I say we do the same! I’m sure Lady Edelgard would really appreciate it!

**felix** : why am i here? i don’t even know her that well.

**Sylvain Gautier** : I heard Dimitri is on the other committee.

**felix** : okay. anti-party for edelgard then! 

**Marianne <3**: Last time I was in town, I saw a really beautiful silver necklace with a flower made of rubies. I wonder if it’s still there.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : That sounds perfect! Marianne, next time you are in town, see if you can buy it. We will then collect the money up to pay you back.

**Marianne <3**: Oh! Okay :)

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : we’ll have to buy her a cake as well

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : what would edelgard like?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : You can’t go wrong with a classic vanilla sponge with strawberry jam and cream :)

**Beefy Boi** : Maybe some scones as well!

**Sylvain Gautier** : And the tea. I’ll go buy the tea is everyone tells me their preferences?

**felix** : i hate sweets

**felix** : i’ll bring something savoury along

**Ashe** : Dedue and I could do some cooking! We may not be up to the standards of Annette and Mercedes, but we will give it our all!

**Dedue** : I will try and cook something that she will like

**Dad Friend** : As nice as this gesture is, I can’t help but wonder why Claude is going out of his way to organise this?

**memelord** : why are you shocked? i’m capable of doing nice things without ulterior motives!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Press X to Doubt. 

**felix** : x

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : x

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : x

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : X

**Sylvain Gautier** : X

**Beefy Boi** : X

**Iced Coco** : X

**Sad** : X

**Dad Friend** : X

**Dedue** : X

**Ashe** : x?

**Marianne <3**: Um... X?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : x???

**memelord** : alright, fine

**memelord** : i’m annoyed that no one trusts me enough to be on the main team

**Dad Friend** : Knew it.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : but how are we going to know what they are planning? it’s not like we can waltz into their group chat and ask

**memelord** : im sure dima can be persuaded to spill the tea

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : His Highness is not your personal spy!

**memelord** : :3

*

**[Ashen Wolves Group Chat – 8:25pm]**

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : They are a strange batch, aren’t they? Trying to one up each other to see who can throw Edelgard the best birthday party.

**Sad** : You gonna spoil it?

**Dad Friend** : C’mon, Yuri. Let the kids have their fun.

**Iced Coco** : Yuri! Do not think about betraying Claude’s trust!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I won’t.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Much.

*

**_[private message from Eyeliner on Fleek to Emperor Edelgard – 8:26pm]_ **

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Hey, Princess?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yuri? Whatever is the matter?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : There’s two groups of people competing to give you a birthday party on Saturday, the day before your birthday. One group is planning something high class and sophisticated, and the other is organising a simple tea party.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : At least, based on the information I have. Claude and some of the Golden Deer and Blue Lions are doing the tea party. Based on the fact that the other group have Lorenz and Hilda, I can only make the assumption that it will be posh.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I told Dorothea that I didn’t want to do anything special for my birthday... 

**Emperor Edelgard** : I will figure out what to do about this. Thank you for telling me.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : No problems. Just don't tell anyone that I ruined the surprise for you?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Of course not.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:29pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, students. Evening prayers are about to start if you want join in :)

**Professor Byleth** : Also, I want to thank you all for cleaning up the old chapel. Even though Lady Rhea gave you permission, I would like you to let us know before going out and destroying the place. At the very least to make sure we don’t think something disastrous has occurred.

**Professor Byleth** : Now, it has come to my attention that Duke Holst Goneril will be visiting on Sunday, correct?

**delicate flower** : yep!

**Professor Byleth** : What time will he be arriving?

**delicate flower** : he didn’t say...

**Professor Byleth** : Please find out. Lady Rhea wants to host a private dinner party with him and the faculty members of Garreg Mach. It’s tradition that she holds such an event during important visits.

**Lorenz the Great** : My father is also paying a visit on Sunday.

**Professor Byleth** : He is? No one mentioned this to me.

**Professor Byleth** : I shall pass the information onto Lady Rhea when the prayers are over.

**Lorenz the Great** : Even my father is being ridiculed...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : the gloucester family trait: having no rights

**Ashe** : I’ve been wondering who Gloucester is pronounced.

**Dedue** : Same here.

**Mercie** : It is certainly a funny spelling.

**Lorenz the Great** : It’s “Gloster”. No fancy pronunciations needed.

**delicate flower** : alright, gloosester

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : nah, it’s gluechester

**delicate flower** : sorry, my bad

**delicate flower** : lorenz mayonnaise gluechester

**Lorenz the Great** : Ladies, please!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : That is pretty funny :)

**Dedue** : Indeed.

**felix** : lorenz has no rights

**Sylvain Gautier** : Ouch. Talk about an unfortunate name.

**Brigid Pride** : Leicester is giving me the confusion.

**Brigid Pride** : How do you say it?

**memelord** : lester.

**memelord** : or liechester if want to annoy a leicester native

**memelord** : like me

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : And me!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Can we leave Lorenz alone? I can see a vein threatening to burst in his head.

**Lorenz the Great** : Thank you, Ignatz.

**Lorenz the Great** : And thank you, Claude, for changing my name to something so immature.

**Diva Queen** : About that...

**Diva Queen** : What happened to “I have a bad haircut”?

**Lorenz the Great** : Claude has decided to act like a mature leader and gave me something sensible.

**Iced Coco** : They why is Lysithea still “i wont hesitate, b*tch”?

**Dad Friend** : Because she won’t hesitate.

**Dad Friend** : Bitch.

**Iced Coco** : Balthus! How dare you use such language to me!

**Sad** : Not again...

**Iced Coco** : You are lucky that I am a woman on nobility, and thus will not stoop to your level!

**Dad Friend** : Oh really?

**Dad Friend** : Explain why you are now rolling up your shirt sleeves and taking off your shoes?

**Iced Coco** : Fight me in lone combat!

**Iced Coco** : Your fists against mine!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Really, Constance?

**Dad Friend** : Uhgghhhhhhhhh

**Dad Friend** : Hapi?

**Sad** : On it.

**Iced Coco** : Face me! Stop cowering behind Yuri!

**Sad** : Let’s go, Coco. I hear that the sauna is free this time of night.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Sorry about that, everyone. Constance has a bit of temper when she’s not eaten for a while.

**Linhardt** : Same.

**Linhardt** : Except replace food with sleep.

**Linhardt** : And replace “gets angry” with “gets sleepy”.

**Linhardt** : So not really the same.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Are we all just going ignore the fact the Constance was about to get into a brawling match with Balthus?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am working on the next chapter of White Roses! 
> 
> Just trying to work out scenarios our clueless lovebirds can get themselves into. 
> 
> *
> 
> Now, as a Brit, I have had many of my American friends ask me how the Hell you pronounce certain place names in the UK, including Gloucester and Leicester. Whilst these are covered in the game, there are still many places like Worcestershire which confuse people. 
> 
> Good luck :3
> 
> Also, because I'm a Brit, the drinking age here is eighteen. So no underage drinking here!


	23. The Mysterious Case of Seteth, Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[Blue Lions Group Chat – 10:14am]**
> 
> **Sylvain Gautier** : Does anyone know where I can get a potted plant costume?
> 
>  **Pegasus Knight 1180** : Why on Earth do you need such a thing?!
> 
>  **Sylvain Gautier** : No reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the first part of a two part chapter! It's in two parts because ~~I haven't written part two yet~~ I am a busy person who is doing a lot of overtime and thus has to write late at night D:

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:01pm]**

**delicate flower** : professor!

**delicate flower** : holst says that he’s coming around at 11am. he’ll be travelling by wyvern, so we need to make room for them all

**Professor Byleth** : Thank you, Hilda. I will let Lady Rhea know.

**Professor Byleth** : Lorenz? Any news from your father?

**Lorenz the Great** : He will be arriving shortly after midday, by carriage. He wishes to stay the night, if that is at all possible. Travelling from our territory to Garreg Mach is tiring business, after all.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Isn’t your land closest to Garreg Mach??

**Beefy Boi** : Yeah, it’s pretty close!

**Diva Queen** : Where would he sleep, anyway?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : he can share a bed with rhea

**delicate flower** : LMAO

**Little King** : Pffffttttt

**Sylvain Gautier** : Ugh... Ewwwwwwwww

**felix** : not like that, you moron

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Lysithea!

**Lorenz the Great** : I expected such behaviour from Claude, but from you?

**memelord** : she’s learning!

**memelord** : my little girl is growing up so fast

**Brigid Pride** : I am having an idea!

**Brigid Pride** : If this Count does not wish to share the bed with Lady Rhea, perhaps someone else from the Church would be willing to do the sharing.

**Brigid Pride** : How about Seteth?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : PETRA!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I think Seteth would rather kill himself.

**Diva Queen** : A nice idea, sweetie, but I don’t think so.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Indeed. Seteth likes his personal space.

**_Seteth is online_ **

**Seteth** : I see your suggestions for Count Gloucester to share with either myself or Lady Rhea, and I must shoot them down right now. Lorenz, tell your father that there are plenty of inns in towns along the way, and if he is that desperate, he can stay at one them. I’m sure someone would be willing to take him in.

**Lorenz the Great** : Yes, of course Seteth. I shall let him know.

**Seteth** : Thank you.

**_Seteth is offline_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : That was uncanny how he appeared just as we were talking about him. It’s like he has a sixth sense.

**_Seteth is online_ **

**Seteth** : I do, Your Highness.

**_Seteth is offline_ **

**memelord** : how does he do that??

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude, I beg of you, do not go exploring the Church’s living quarters this late at night.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : It’s no use, Your Highness.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You know he’s going to.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:50pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, students. Curfew is in ten minutes time, so keep noise levels down and get ready for bed.

**Professor Byleth** : That means you, Claude.

**Professor Byleth** : Don’t think I haven’t seen you sneaking around the monastery.

**memelord** : how do you know it’s me?

**Professor Byleth** : Bushes don’t normally have legs.

**Professor Byleth** : Or a yellow cape sticking out between the branches.

**memelord** : damn

**Professor Byleth** : Go to bed.

**Professor Byleth** : Good night, everyone!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:08am]**

**Professor Byleth** : Claude, what did I just say?

**memelord** : YOU CAN’T SEE ME

**Professor Byleth** : Claude, I know it’s you. What on earth are you doing snooping around the faculty sleeping quarters at this hour?

**memelord** : um...

**memelord** : sleepwalking?

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:31am]**

**Professor Byleth** : I don’t know why Claude was snooping around the top floor of the monastery today, but it needs to stop. Curfew is in effect for a reason. And the top floor is forbidden anyway.

**Professor Byleth** : I’ll let it slide this one time, but do it again and it’ll be an afterschool detention.

**_Professor Byleth is offline_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Get enough sleep, Claude?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : He’s still asleep.

**Mercie** : What was he doing so late at night? :O

**Annie** : Yeah, he was sneaking around, right????

**Annie** : Strange.

**Sad** : Sup

**Sad** : Mind if we come join you for breakfast?

**Sad** : I’m tired of the slop that is served down here

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Of course!

**Iced Coco** : the sun...

**Iced Coco** : its brightness only serves to highlight how insignificant i am

**Diva Queen** : ???

**Ashe** : Constance? Are you alright :O

**Iced Coco** : i am alright, ashe. i have made peace with myself

**Marianne <3**: Um... Constance?

**Marianne <3**: Do you need help?

**Bernie** : Do you... DO YOU WANT TO HIDE IN MY ROOM WITH ME????

**Iced Coco** : it is alright, bernadetta.

**Iced Coco** : do not waste your resources on someone as lowlife as me

**Emperor Edelgard** : Constance??

**I am Ferdiand von Aegir** : What is happening??!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Oh, forgot to mention.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Constance doesn’t like the sun.

**Hubert von Vestra** : She and I are alike, then.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I find the sun too bright for my liking.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Causes my skin to burn

**Brigid Pride** : You really are the vampire!

**Marianne <3**: Oh dear...

**Marianne <3**: Has she always been like this?

**Dad Friend** : Far as I can tell, yep!

**Dad Friend** : It’s why she rarely ventures outside.

**Linhardt** : Same.

**Little King** : Perhaps she just needs some shade?

**Iced Coco** : do not worry yourself about me.

**Iced Coco** : i shall keep to myself anddddddddd

**Iced Coco** : BALTHUS! HOW DARE YOU PUSH A DELICATE LADY LIKE ME AROUND?!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : And she’s back.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Panic over, everyone!

**Beefy Boi** : You okay there, Constance? You gave everyone a fright!

**Iced Coco** : No, I am not okay! That brute just pushed me around like a animal!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : You were being incredibly lethargic and self-deprecating when you were in the sun.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : It was like if Linhardt and Marianne combined to form a person, and then you sprinkled some Bernadetta into the mix.

**Bernie** : Wh-Why are you sprinkling me into a mix? I don’t want to be sprinkled! Sprinkling implies that you are going to kill and cook me! I DON’T WANT TO BE KILLED AND COOKED!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Calm down, Bernadetta, it is just a saying. You are quite safe.

**Bernie** : Oh,,,, Okay!!!!!

**Brigid Pride** : Why is the sun causing such a change of persons? I have not seen such a thing before.

**Iced Coco** : Hmph! I will not forget this, Balthus! Wait there and I will...

**Iced Coco** : who am i kidding. there’s no way i can take you on. someone like me stands no chance against you.

**Sad** : Alright, misery guts, let go get you some food.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Sorry, everyone. She’s been like this since she moved to Abyss, and we don’t know how to help her.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : A parasol?

**Mercie** : Some healing magic? :3

**felix** : therapy

**Brigid Pride** : Oh! Seteth is good at the therapy! Perhaps he could help!

**_Seteth is online_ **

**Seteth** : Whilst I am not a qualified therapist, I would have happy to listen to anyone’s problems. Including Constance’s.

**memelord** : seteth!

**_Seteth is offline_ **

**Dedue** : There he goes again.

**Dedue** : How curious.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I can see Claude twitching.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I don’t think he’ll rest until he gets the answers he needs. 

**Emperor Edelgard** : Regrettably.

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 7:58am]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yuri, how is Constance doing?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : She’s alright now. Every time she ventures outside on a sunny day, she changes so drastically. So long as she stays in the shade, she will be fine.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Thank goodness.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I shall keep an eye on her for you.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Thank you.

*

**[Edelgard’s Birthday Surprise – 8:01am]**

**Diva Queen** : Okay, everyone! Birthday planning starts after classes! We have a lot to do, so the sooner we can start, the better!

**Bernie** : What do we need???

**Diva Queen** : Everything for the perfect party for my Edie!

**Diva Queen** : Here, I’ve made a list of everything:

**_[Diva Queen posted a link: Edie_Party.img]_ **

**Lorenz the Great** : That... Is a lot of items.

**delicate flower** : so many decorative pieces

**Linhardt** : Do we really need a chandelier?

**Diva Queen** : It’s so Edie feels special!

**Diva Queen** : I want it to feel like a grand evening at the Opera House, where you can enjoy a three-course meal and some fine wine before watching a show.

**Bernie** : Who’s going to cook all the food?

**Diva Queen** : The food shouldn’t need much preparation. With any luck, we can just cook it in the ovens and bring it to the classroom!

**Diva Queen** : We need to make sure we get enough food for everyone else!

**Annie** : Mercie and I can start baking the cake :3 We’ve already made a practice cake.

**Mercie** : It was very delicious :D

**Brigid Pride** : I will be heading into the town to get a present. Who would be liking to join me?

**Little King** : I will!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I will supervise you to ensure you get the best gift for Lady Edelgard.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : How are we going to distract Lady Edelgard?

**Diva Queen** : I’ll think of something... Somehow.

**Diva Queen** : For now, let’s get ready for class and discuss it later on.

**Diva Queen** : Your Highness?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Yes?

**Diva Queen** : You know what to do.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Distract Claude?

**Diva Queen** : Bingo.

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 8:41am]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Constance, how are you feeling?

**Iced Coco** : Much better, Your Highness. I have had some breakfast and I am ready to take on the day!

**Iced Coco** : Just keep the sun away from me.

**Iced Coco** : Please.

*

**[house of memes – 9:24am]**

**Lorenz the Great** : Is it me, or does Claude look like he is having an aneurysm?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : No, it’s not you.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : That look on his face suggests that he is in deep thought about something.

**Dad Friend** : Hey, yeah! He does look a little constipated.

**Lorenz the Great** : Not the word I would use...

**Marianne <3**: What is he thinking about?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : dunno

**Beefy Boi** : Do any of us?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : not really, no.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : he’s like an enigma

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I’m sure His Highness will be able to help out.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i’ll message him

**Lorenz the Great** : Wait, Lysithea. Do it after class.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : too late

*

**_[private message from i wont hesitate, b*tch to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 9:27am]_ **

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : oi

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : your bf’s had a stroke

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : WHAT?!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : jk

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : but he is deep in thought and it looks like it hurts

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : It will be how Seteth can appear whenever his name is mentioned.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : figures

*

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 10:01am]**

**memelord** : ATTENTION

**memelord** : we, the brotherhood of chaos, have a new mission!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Nice. 

**memelord** : we need to figure out how seteth knows when his name has been said

**Beefy Boi** : Now that you mention it, that is pretty odd!

**Hubert von Vestra** : No, we don’t.

**Hubert von Vestra** : You do.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Besides, I’m busy this afternoon on my own important mission.

**Little King** : Same here, I’m afraid.

**Little King** : Been roped into doing something else.

**Bernie** : Me too!!! I would love to help, but I’m afraid I can’t!

**Dad Friend** : All the Black Eagles are mysteriously absent this afternoon? On their own mission?

**delicate flower** : sorry, bro, i’m also busy

**delicate flower** : would love to join in... but...

**memelord** : you traitor

**memelord** : :( :(

**delicate flower** : I’M SORRY

**delicate flower** : hey, you still have your boyfriend!

**delicate flower** : and lots of the other blue lions and golden deer!

**memelord** : it’s not the same :<

**Sylvain Gautier** : I’m with you, Claude!

**Sylvain Gautier** : I will get to the bottom of this mystery with you!

**Bernie** : Let me know how it goes, okay?????

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 10:14am]**

**Sylvain Gautier** : Does anyone know where I can get a potted plant costume?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Why on Earth do you need such a thing?!

**Sylvain Gautier** : No reason.

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 10:20am]**

**Sylvain Gautier** : Or a nun outfit?

**Sylvain Gautier** : But like a proper one. Not one of those sexy ones.

**Annie** : Why?

**Mercie** : Are you okay, Sylvain?

**Dedue** : Do you wish to confess to something, Sylvain?

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 10:21am]**

**Sylvain Gautier** : How about a monk?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Alright, what the Hell is going on with you today?!?!?!

**Sad** : Home boy here has a side to him that is just coming to light

*

**[house of memes – 10:23am]**

**memelord** : how does one disguise as a potted plant?

**Lorenz the Great** : ??

**Lorenz the Great** : Are you sure you haven’t suffered some form of brain damage, Claude? Do we need to get Professor Manuela?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : we’re too late

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : He is too far gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, signing up for a lot of overtime at work: :'''''''''') 
> 
> One of the one hand: lot's of money and experience!
> 
> On the other hand: WHYYYY!!!!


	24. The Mysterious Case of Seteth, Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[House Leaders Group Chat – 4:01pm]**
> 
> **Eyeliner on Fleek** : Princess, seen Claude or Sylvain anywhere?
> 
>  **Emperor Edelgard** : Can’t say I have, no. I saw them both disappear shortly after the final bell, but other than that...
> 
>  **Emperor Edelgard** : You don’t think they’re doing something illegal, do you?
> 
>  **Eyeliner on Fleek** : Who can say, Princess? Who can say?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The mystery of Seteth is finally solved!
> 
> No funny authors notes today. I've been up since eight in the morning to do an extra shift at work and I have exhausted my brain cells.

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) - 11:58am]**

**Professor Byleth** : Seteth, I have seen Claude trying to sneak around the top floor of the monastery. Any reason why?

**Seteth** : Presumably he is trying to find out how I know when my name has been said. He is probably expecting some voodoo magic.

**Seteth** : Truth is, I have a second account that is always logged in so I can keep an eye on the students in the main and house chats. It’s what Lady Rhea asked me to do when she first set up the chat rooms.

**Professor Byleth** : I see.

**Professor Byleth** : Shall I let Claude know?

**Seteth** : Let him have his fun. I am curious as to what he is planning. So long as he doesn’t break any rules, I can’t see the harm in letting him continue his little investigation.

**Professor Byleth** : Pray you do not live to regret those words.

*

**_[private message from memelord to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 3:30pm]_ **

**memelord** : dima, the best boyfriend in the world whom i love so very much

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Yes, Claude?

**memelord** : distract seteth

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : How?? WHY???

**memelord** : you’ll see

**memelord** : love you!

*

**_[private message from memelord to Sylvain Gautier – 3:31pm]_ **

**memelord** : got your disguise?

**Sylvain Gautier** : I have.

**Sylvain Gautier** : How are we going to distract Seteth?

**memelord** : already sorted it out ;)

*

**[Edelgard’s Birthday Surprise – 3:32pm]**

**Diva Queen** : Okay, everyone! Birthday shopping is a go! :D

**Bernie** : Yay!

**Brigid Pride** : Are we all going into the town then?

**Bernie** : I think so!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You are being surprisingly keen to leave your room, Bernadetta! It is a welcome change.

**Bernie** : I am with my friends.

**Bernie** : We are friends, right???

**Annie** : Yep :3

**Mercie** : We are friendly here :D

**Brigid Pride** : Indeed! We are having the friendship.

**Diva Queen** : Caspar, Linhardt, can you get the food? If you keep it in the kitchen, we can make it cook it tomorrow.

**Little King** : Okay!

**Linhardt** : Fine.

**Diva Queen** : Mercedes, Annette, can you make a start on the cake? Keep it somewhere safe!

**Mercie** : Do you want any special decorations?

**Annie** : And how many layers do you want it? :3

**Diva Queen** : Three tiered, ideally, with each tier being made of three layers. Like a traditional wedding cake, but for a birthday :D

**Annie** : It will take us some time, but we will get it done!

**Mercie** : Leave it to us!

**Diva Queen** : Hubie, Ferdie, Petra, and Bernie: gift shopping!

**Diva Queen** : AND most importantly, Hilda and Lorenz: I want you to be in charge of the decorations.

**delicate flower** : it will look ~*~fabulous~*~

**Lorenz the Great** : Leave it to Hilda and myself. We will make the Black Eagle classroom dazzle!

**Diva Queen** : I ideally want the party to start in the afternoon, once our chores are out the way. It’ll be a fun treat for us all :D

**Diva Queen** : Also! Leave the invitations to me and Your Highness. We’ll be able to get the word around when it is time for the party to start tomorrow. Get going, everyone!

**Diva Queen** : And remember, not a word to ANYONE until I say so. Otherwise there will be Hell to pay :3

**Hubert von Vestra** : Isn’t this all a bit extreme? I want to the best for Lady Edelgard, but surely you must realise that we don’t need this much...

**Hubert von Vestra** : Drama...?

**Diva Queen** : Shut up and do your job :3

*

**[The Anti-Birthday Squad – 3:35pm]**

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i spotted the party gang going to town, presumably to get their stuff

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : shall we follow them?

**Marianne <3**: Oh, I was about to head into town to get that pendant.

**Marianne <3**: Maybe I won’t...

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Nonsense! You wanted to get that necklace for her, so go get it. I will accompany you, if that makes you feel any better?

**Marianne <3**: Yes, please.

**Beefy Boi** : Hey, let me come too! I can get the scones and sandwiches :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I can tag along too! Help you carry everything back to the monastery :D

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I cannot help but notice that Claude is mysteriously absent.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Wasn’t this his idea to begin with?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : he just vanished as soon as the bell rang

**felix** : along with sylvain

**felix** : guess im getting the tea

**felix** : what’s your favourites?

**Ashe** : Hang on, are we having the others around as well?

**Sad** : Nope

**Sad** : They don’t trust us enough to let us in on the secret, so why should we?

**Dad Friend** : Damn right

**Dad Friend** : Though I suppose if we don’t bring His Highness along, Claude might get a bit upset that his boyfriend is being excluded.

**Dad Friend** : Where is he, anyway?

**Iced Coco** : I saw him leave the classroom alone. Probably off to do some training or something.

**felix** : tea flavours

**felix** : now

**Ashe** : Mint, please :D

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I'll have the same as Ashe. Or some chamomile, if you’re getting some for His Highness.

**Beefy Boi** : I’ll take some of that ginger tea. The strong stuff!

**Dedue** : I would also have some ginger tea.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : That four-spice blend that you find in that one shop in town. You know the one.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you like to be awkward

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : That’s right!

**Sad** : Hey

**Sad** : Get me that four spice stuff

**Sad** : Takes away the taste of living underground

**Iced Coco** : A proper lady like me requires something more refined in tastes. I shall have a cup of the finest sweet apple tea!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : that’s my favourite, as well!

**Iced Coco** : You are a very dignified young lady! An excellent choice!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : If it’s not too much hassle, I would love some lavender tea :D

**Marianne <3**: I like lavender...

**Dad Friend** : I like that stuff that comes from across Fódlan’s Throat. What’s it called?

**felix** : almyran pine

**Dad Friend** : Yeah, get me that!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : That’s Claude’s favourite.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I know that Sylvain likes Bergamot, and I think I once overheard Lady Edelgard saying that she also liked it.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : And I just have to be the odd one out.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I will have either the Albinean Berry, Honeyed Fruit, or the Seiros tea. Whichever is on offer.

**felix** : done

**Dad Friend** : There is still the question as to how we are going to stop them from entering the Black Eagles classroom?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : claude said sabotage

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : we sabotage

**Iced Coco** : I never expected something like that from you, Lysithea!

**Sad** : I agree

**Sad** : Wait for them to go the decorations, and then tear it down

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : That feels a little cruel, if I’m being honest.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Better idea! We hold it somewhere else.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Either of our classrooms should be acceptable.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Heh, you all better get going if you’re going to prepare before the others do :3

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I’ll see if I can track down Claude or Sylvain.

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 4:01pm]**

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Princess, seen Claude or Sylvain anywhere?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Can’t say I have, no. I saw them both disappear shortly after the final bell, but other than that...

**Emperor Edelgard** : You don’t think they’re doing something illegal, do you?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Who can say, Princess? Who can say?

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 4:13pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Seteth? Are you alright? You appear to be deep in thought. 

**Seteth** : His Highness has posed a very interesting question. How much wood can a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

**Seteth** : I have been thinking about this for around forty minutes and I am no closer to the answer.

**Professor Blyeth** : His Highness asked you that?

**Seteth** : Indeed. He came up to me and asked me in the sincerest tone ever. I have no idea where such a question has come from, but after seeing the pained look on his face, I can’t not help him.

**Professor Byleth** : You do realise that it’s not a real question? It’s a tongue twister designed to trip you up.

**Professor Byleth** : There is no woodchuck chucking wood.

**Seteth** : Then why...

**Seteth** : ...

**Seteth** : He is working with Claude. Acting as a distraction to allow him to sneak past me!

**Professor Byleth** : You did say you wanted to see what would happen...

**Seteth** : I did.

**Seteth** : Let me get back to my office and see what the damage is.

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn)– 4:16pm]**

**Seteth** : Claude is dressed as a bush that has wandered in from outside, and Sylvain is wearing a duvet cover with a towel over his head. They both bolted as soon as they saw me enter.

**Seteth** : Nothing appears to have been touched, but they did have a good forty minutes to look around.

**Professor Byleth** : Let’s hope this has satisfied their curiosity.

**Seteth** : Indeed.

**Seteth** : Now, can you please bring me a sweeping brush? I have leaves all over the floor.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:17pm]**

**memelord** : DUDES

**memelords** : I HAVE CRACKED THE CASE!

**Sylvain Gautier** : CORRECTION

**Sylvain Gautier** : WE HAVE SOLVED THE CASE!

**Emperor Edelgard** : The case as to how Seteth appears? How does he do it?

**memelord** : turns out old seteth has a separate account that he uses to keep an eye on us

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am not sure if that is reassuring or not.

**memelord** : gonna be honest, i am sort of disappointed

**memelord** : i was expecting some voodoo magic

**memelord** : anyway, where is everyone?

**Diva Queen** : Out ;)

**Little King** : Top secret mission!

**Linhardt** : Yeah, top secret...

**Brigid Pride** : I am having the secrecy. I shall not be telling the secret to anyone. 

**delicate flower** : sorry bro, wish i could tell you

**Lorenz the Great** : A shame that this is one secret you will never find out the answers to.

**Lorenz the Great** : How infuriating it must be for you.

**Lorenz the Great** : I am going to enjoy this for all that it is worth.

**memelord** : oh really?

**memelord** : have you forgotten that it was you who told me in the first place?

**_memelord posted a link: tattletale.img_ **

****

**Lorenz the Great** : Ah.

**Lorenz the Great** : I forgot about that.

**Diva Queen** : LORENZ WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DID YOU DO!

**Lorenz the Great** : He forced it out of me!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : That does not look like he forced it out of you! That looks like you just told him! After swearing to keep it a secret!

**Brigid Pride** : What is being a "tattletale"? 

**Brigid** **Pride** : Is it like being the rattletail of a snake?

**Diva Queen** : No, it is telling someone a secret that they shouldn't have done! 

**Bernie** : I didn’t do it!

**Bernie** : Bernie was a good girl who kept quiet!!!!

**Little King** : Well, guess the cat’s out the bag.

**Little King** : We were planning a surprise birthday party for Lady Edelgard tomorrow. It was going to have fancy decorations and food and everything.

**Mercie** : Do you still want the red velvet cake :(

**Annie** : We’re just about to bake the second tier!

**Diva Queen** : I wanted one nice thing for Edie, and now it has been ruined!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I already knew about it, Dorothea.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I overheard a couple of our classmates talking about it. I won’t say who, but I’ve known about it for a while.

**Diva Queen** : Oh, Edie! Why didn’t you say something?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Because you were pouring your heart and soul into this party, and I didn’t want to ruin it for you.

**memelord** : guess you know that i was planning a tea party for you??

**Emperor Edelgard** : I did, and I appreciate that, as well.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Why not combine the two together? Have a tea party in a well-decorated classroom, surrounded by all of my friends?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Gah, why didn't I think of that?

**Brigid Pride** : That is having the best idea! 

**Hubert von Vestra** : Correct as always, Lady Edelgard.

**Mercie** : Oh! Annie and I are baking you a red velvet cake!

**Annie** : It tastes so scrummy! :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you, you two. I look forward to tasting it.

**Marianne <3**: Um...

**Marianne <3**: I’ve found a really present for you, Lady Edelgard.

**Beefy Boi** : And we’ve got some food for the tea party :D

**Dedue** : Ashe and I were going to cook something for you as a treat. 

**Ashe** : Some Duscur cuisine that is delicious! I have eaten some, and I can't wait to share with you all! 

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’m sorry the surprise was ruined for you :(

**Emperor Edelgard** : This is really sweet of you. Honestly, I have never been one for celebrating birthdays, but I feel I can make an exception this year. 

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : But, in a way, it’s a good thing. Lysithea was about to destroy the Black Eagle classroom.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : was not!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : A tea party does sound delicious. And this way we can ensure that everyone gets enough food.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : And there is nothing wrong with a nice, warm cup of tea.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I will stick to my coffee, thank you very much.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Bean juice.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Leaf water.

**Sad** : And you say that these two are dating?

**Linhardt** : You wouldn’t believe it, but yes.

**Little King** : You should have seen them when they were pining.

**Little King** : They were unbearable.

**Iced Coco** : Much like how Balthus is pining for Holst?

**Dad Friend** : ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

**Sad** : Congrats, Coco

**Sad** : You broke B

**Brigid Pride** : Broke? How can you have a person who is broke? 

**Diva Queen** : I'll explain later, sweetie.

**felix** : wait, you're deciding to merge the parties together??

**felix** : fucks sake. now you tell me

**felix** : if you don't like the tea that i've bought, suck it. 

**Brigid Pride** : Suck it? What is it I am going to be sucking?

**Brigid Pride** : Hello? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Ever wanted to solve a mystery, and was so disappointed by the end result that you immediately wish you hadn't solved it?" - Claude von Riegan, 1180


	25. Full Moon Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Emperor Edelgard** : Is that a chandelier?
> 
> **Diva Queen** : YOU SEE NOTHING!
> 
> **Brigid Pride** : How can I be seeing nothing when Ferdinand is carrying that chandelier into the classroom? I am being able to see it clearly.
> 
> **Diva Queen** : Petra, that is not the point!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! It has been a while. 
> 
> I have survived another week of overtime, including a six am start that nearly killed me. I have one more week of overtime left, and then a week off. On top of that, I have come down with a cold. The amount of times I have had to tell people at work that I do not have the Coronavirus is ridiculous. I sneeze and suddenly everyone in a fifty foot radius is taking a step back from me whilst saying "bless you". 
> 
> Anyway, have some chaos from the students that I have missed so very much.

**_[private message from Brigid Pride to memelord – 4:32pm]_ **

**Brigid Pride** : Claude, I am not having the understanding about the term “suck it”. What it is am I meant to be sucking?

**memelord** : oh, well...

**memelord** : it’s another way of saying “if you don’t like me choices, don’t come crying to me because you didn’t tell me what you wanted.”

**Brigid Pride** : I see! So because Felix was unaware of the tea party growing bigger, he was not able to get everyone their favourites tea. His saying of “suck it” is a way of showing his anger!

**memelord** : exactly!

**Brigid Pride** : I am understanding it now. Thank you, Claude.

**memelord** : just so we’re clear, it’s not something that should be used in everyday speech...

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:01pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, students. I see a majority of you have gone out to town to fetch some supplies for the party tomorrow. Don’t forget about your chores!

**memelord** : i’ve already done mine

**Professor Byleth** : Setting the horses free so they can eat the weeds does not count.

**memelord** : damn.

**Professor Byleth** : Same goes for you, Hubert.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Damn.

**Professor Byleth** : And remember! Some of you may be over eighteen, but a lot of your fellow classmates are not. Soft drinks only!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Of course, Professor. Felix has bought enough tea for everyone to enjoy.

**felix** : hmph.

**Lorenz the Great** : Are you sure the odd glass of champagne wouldn’t hurt, Professor?

**Professor Byleth** : Absolutely not! Please be back before six o’clock when the front gates close. Anyone still outside by that time will have to camp in the ruins of the old chapel.

**Bernie** : EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!!

**Diva Queen** : Surely not, Professor!

**Professor Byleth** : Time’s a-wasting!

**Professor Byleth** : I’ve heard that giant wolves stalk the chapel grounds at night.

**Diva Queen** : EVERYONE HURRY UP

**Beefy Boi** : I’LL GET THE FOOD

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’ll help you!

**Marianne <3**: Um... I’m just buying the present for Lady Edelgard and then I’ll be back at the monastery.

**Little King** : I’m sure the Professor is just making it up so we don’t stay out too late, right?

**Little King** : Right?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I’ve heard them howling late at the night.

**Hubert von Vestra** : They are hungry for human flesh.

**Little King** : QUICK SHOPPING TRIP IT IS, THEN!

**Linhardt** : See, this is why I don’t venture outside.

**Linhardt** : Can’t be late back if I never leave.

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 5:13pm]**

**Seteth** : That was rather cruel, Professor.

**Seteth** : I approve.

**Flayn** : Oh my! Are there really wolves that prowl the chapel at night?

**Seteth** : There are, Flayn. Vicious and hungry wolves that only venture out in the dead of night, under the light of a full moon.

**Flayn** : How exciting!

**Seteth** : No, Flayn, it is not.

**Flayn** : I wish to see these wolves for myself!

**Seteth** : Flayn, no!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:21pm]**

**Mercie** : The cakes have all been baked :3

**Annie** : The icing has been prepared. We’re going to keep in the fridge until tomorrow, and then we can ensemble it before the party.

**Mercie** : I can’t wait for everyone to try a piece! There should be enough for everyone to have some :D

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:59pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Students, one minute until the gates are closed!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Wait!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : We are nearly there. We didn’t expect to get so much food.

**Beefy Boi** : It’s a real party now!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Some might say that there is too much food, but I disagree!

**Dedue** : We have all arrived back in time, I presume?

**Ashe** : Should we do a head count??

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Perhaps. Is everyone from the Blue Lions accounted for?

**Dedue** : I am.

**Ashe** : Same here.

**felix** : yes

**Sylvain Gautier** : Right here!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Yes, Your Highness.

**Annie** : Mercie and I are in the kitchens just finishing off the cake :3

**Mercie** : That’s all the Blue Lions accounted for :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : I assume that all my Black Eagles are here. I can’t see anyone absent.

**Bernie** : Bernie’s gone back to her room.

**Linhardt** : I'm in the library.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Right here, Lady Edelgard. Ready to start tackling the preparations.

**Little King** : Just going to wrap your present up, Lady Edelgard. Hope you like it.

**Diva Queen** : Edie, I know you know about the surprise, but I still want to leave the decorations and such a secret. Can we at least set up our classroom and surprise you that way?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Of course, Dorothea.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Wait.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Is that a chandelier?

**Diva Queen** : YOU SEE NOTHING!

**Brigid Pride** : How can I be seeing nothing when Ferdinand is carrying that chandelier into the classroom? I am being able to see it clearly.

**Diva Queen** : Petra, that is not the point!

**Brigid Pride** : It is a beautiful chandelier. Those diamonds are crafted in the traditional Brigid style. What shop did you purchase it from? I would be liking to compliment the creator on their craftsmanship.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Can someone please help me get it set up? It is incredibly heavy. 

**Hubert von Vestra** : Where are the Golden Deer?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I only see half of them.

**Little King** : It’s gone past six! Where could they be?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Has anyone seen them?

**Ashe** : Who’s missing?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : From what I can tell, we’re missing Claude, Hilda, and Lorenz.

**Marianne <3**: I haven’t seen them, I’m afraid.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Neither have I.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : oh, forgot to mention

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : claude said that he was going to the abyss, and dragged hilda and lorenz with him

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : How curious.

**Diva Queen** : Hilda and Lorenz are a key part in our party planning! They are the ones in charge in setting up the decorations!

**Beefy Boi** : Do you think Claude’s done it on purpose?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Of course he has.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : We should rescue them immediately!

**delicate flower** : will you chill already? we’re back

**delicate flower** : we had some business with baltie.

**Lorenz the Great** : You did. I was quite happy to go about my day before the two of you dragged me underground into that wretched place.

**delicate flower** : didn’t stop you from trying to hit on both hapi and constance

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’m sorry

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : He did what?

**Sylvain Gautier** : And people call me the womaniser.

**memelord** : he acts the gentleman to them in chat, but flirts with them shamelessly in person

**memelord** : have you no honour, lorenz?

**Lorenz the Great** : I did nothing of the sort! I was just telling Constance how much a pity it was that House Nuvelle no longer exists, and that by marrying me should could reclaim her noble title and become a Countess!

**delicate flower** : you also told hapi that “she’d be prettier if she wasn’t so cynical”

**Lorenz the Great** : Exactly!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : lorenz is into sewer rats

**delicate flower** : pfffttttt

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Is that true?!

**Lorenz the Great** : No!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I’m ashamed of you, Lorenz.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Lorenz, how could you? At least take them out to dinner before proposing marriage.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Sylvain, not you too! You’re with Felix!

**Sylvain Gautier** : I know. I’m just giving out some tips to my less romantically-experienced classmate.

**Lorenz the Great** : Less romantically-experienced?! At least I have been on more dates than you!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Gentlemen, please.

**Hubert von Vestra** : No, Your Highness.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Let them fight.

**Dedue** : Where are they going?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Please tell me they are not about to take this to the training ground?

**felix** : that’s exactly what they are doing.

**Diva Queen** : But... The party planning :<

**piant a fluffy little cloud** : I’ll help you, Dorothea. I don’t want to get caught up in the fighting :(

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Fighting over something so petty. How un-noble of them.

**Beefy Boi** : Yeah! Normally I’d love a good brawl, but not like this.

**Bernie** : Someone’s fighting??!!! I PROMISE I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!

**Ashe** : Should we do something :O

**Emperor Edelgard** : Claude, Dimitri, they are your people from your house. Surely you can step in and put a stop to this?

**memelord** : nah

**memelord** : a leggy beanstalk with no muscles and a man who slacks off on his training

**memelord** : what harm can they do to each other

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : And they are taking their shirts off...

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Just leave them be.

*

**[Ashen Wolves Group Chat – 6:45pm]**

**Iced Coco** : Can you believe that boy! Offering to marry me just so I can take his noble title. The cheek of it all!

**Sad** : at least he didn’t tell you that you should smile more

**Dad Friend** : Ladies, you’re both too good for him.

**Dad Friend** : I would offer to beat him up, but I am already in deep shit with his father and I don’t want to lose my head

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You know, the one person Count Gloucester fears the most is Holst Goneril.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : A quick word to Holst could clear all of your debts away and get Gloucester off your back.

**Dad Friend** : I could never do that to him. It’s not right for me to leech off of my lifelong friend

**Sad** : You misspelt boyfriend

**Iced Coco** : Quite right!

**Dad Friend** : For the last time, Holst is not my boyfriend.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Then why are you giggling like a schoolgirl whenever his name is mentioned.

**Dad Friend** : ...

**Dad Friend** : I’m going to see what this commotion is up top.

**Iced Coco** : How can someone be so utterly oblivious?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You would be amazed, Constance.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Hang around Dimitri and Claude for a few hours, and then you’ll see.

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 6:54pm]**

**Seteth** : Professor, have you seen Flayn anywhere?

**Professor Byleth** : She’s in the library.

**Professor Byleth** : She and Linhardt were reading quite happily together.

**Professor Byleth** : Now excuse me whilst I go break up a fight between Lorenz and Sylvain.

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 7:01pm]**

**Dedue** : Ashe and I are just starting with our preparation. There are a lot of steps and ingredients, so it is better that start now. Tomorrow, we will be so busy that we will only have time to cook.

**Ashe** : I agree. It is always better to prepare in advance, especially when you have some free time do it in.

**Mercie** : May we help? The cakes are ready to ensemble tomorrow.

**Annie** : We’ve done all the cleaning up, so we may as well help out somewhere else :D

**Ashe** : Yes! Cooking together is always fun :D

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Look at us, having fun together and not going out and causing chaos with the other houses.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Nothing against you, Felix.

**felix** : it’s fine. the professor has arrived and is breaking up the fight. claude was right in that they couldn’t do much.

**Dedue** : Are you alright, Your Highness? You seem really quiet this evening.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Hmm? Yes, I’m fine.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Do not worry about me.

**Ashe** : But we always worry about you, Your Highness :o

**Annie** : We do!

**Mercie** : Is something the matter?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : No, no, nothing is the matter.

*

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 7:03pm]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : What do you mean, there might be werewolves down by the old chapel?

**memelord** : according to lin, he and flayn have been researching previous sightings of wolves and they always occur during a full moon

**memelord** : coincidence? i think not.

**Dad Friend** : Werewolves? They don’t exist, little dudes.

**Little King** : Vampires do, though. We have Hubert.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am not a vampire. I just enjoy stalking around in the dead of night.

**Little King** : See? Told you.

**Bernie** : There’s werewolves?! We’re not going to investigate, are we??

**memelord** : we, the brotherhood of chaos, never turn down an investigation.

**memelord** : My right-hand woman is still out of commission, so I need a temporary replacement until she returns.

**memelord** : dimaaaa~ :3

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I guess I can help you out until Hilda returns.

**Little King** : How exactly do we fight werewolves?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Silver.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I’ve heard that werewolves are allergic to silver.

**Beefy Boi** : The cutlery in the dining room is silver!

**Hubert von Vestra** : It is stainless steel.

**Beefy Boi** : But it is silver coloured!

**Dad Friend** : Come on guys, this is all just speculation.

**_memelord added Linhardt and Flayn to the chat_ **

**Flayn** : Oh, hello everyone! It is so nice to see you all!

**Linhardt** : These supposed werewolves have only recently arrived, and they come out during the full moon without fail.

**Flayn** : Isn’t it exciting! :D

**Flayn** : Tonight is a full moon, so they are bound to be outside!

**Little King** : Yeah, let’s do it! Lets find up a werewolf!

**Dad Friend** : I promise you, there is no such thing as werewolves.

**Bernie** : I’ll sit this one out. I don’t want to be eaten!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I will accompany you. I find myself curious about this supposed creature of the night. 

**memelord** : alright, get yourselves ready to head out! 

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:40pm]**

**Diva Queen** : How’s the decoration going, guys?

**delicate flower** : splendidly, as always.

**Lorenz the Great** : A shame I cannot be there for you. I am currently writing out lines with Sylvain. An utterly embarrassing punishment.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You did start a brawling match with him, complete with taking off your shirts and grabbling each other.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : It was like watching two sticks trying to snap each other in half.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Except the sticks didn’t have arms and flopped uselessly on the ground.

**Sylvain Gautier** : At the end of the day, I’ve still got Felix.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Checkmate, Gloucester.

**Lorenz the Great** : This isn’t over, Gautier.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : just as claude and his highness are bringing leciester and faerghus together

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : lorenz and sylvain are threatening to bring it apart

**Marianne <3**: Don’t you and Hubert have a feud going on?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yes

**Emperor Edelgard** : To think that Dimitri, Claude, and myself wouldn’t be the ones to start a war between us all.

**Emperor Edelgard** : It would be nice to challenge you all in combat. The three houses against each other in an epic battle.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Isn’t that literally the point of the Battle of Eagle and Lion?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Oh yeah...

**Brigid Pride** : So if the Alliance and Kingdom are fighting, and the Empire and the Alliance are having a feud, who is having the problem between the Kingdom and the Empire?

**Diva Queen** : No one. Aside from Sylvain, I love all the Blue Lions :D

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Felix hates everyone, so there’s nothing personal there.

**Brigid Pride** : Shall I be stirring up the fuss to create the drama?

**Emperor Edelgard** : That won’t be necessary. There is already enough drama going on. 

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Ah-ha! The chandelier is in place!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I still don’t understand why we need a chandelier when we already have one?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : It is about elegance and sophistication, Lady Edelgard!

**Peagsus Knight 1180** : It looks a little precariously placed. Almost like it could topple down at any minute.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : It will be fine!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Are you sure? It does look really unstable. 

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : At least it won’t destroy our classroom when the inevitable happens.

**Diva Queen** : Hang on, where’s Caspar? And Linhardt? And Bernie? And Hubie?! I could have sworn I asked them to help out.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Maybe that got caught up doing something else?

**Dedue** : Dorothea, the food is ready to be cooked tomorrow before the party. What do you need from us?

**Diva Queen** : Track down the remaining Black Eagles and ask why they are slacking off!

**Dedue** : As you wish.

**Mercie** : Oh! Forgive me, I have just spotted them as we were walking out of the kitchens! They grabbed a handful of knives and forks and sprinted from the dining hall!

**Annie** : What do they need them for?

**Annie** : How curious.

**Mercie** : Let us follow them. I could have sworn I saw His Highness amongst them.

**Dedue** : We should watch from a distance.

**Ashe** : Isn’t His Highness part of a gang? The Brotherhood of Chaos?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, I have heard about this Brotherhood. I think we have worked out where our remaining classmates have gone, Dorothea.

**Diva Queen** : What is up with everyone today? People have been acting incredibly strange.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Everyone has Full Moon Fever.

**Brigid Pride** : Full Moon Fever? What is that?

**Diva Queen** : You know what? Let’s just finish up the preparations and retire for the night. I have a feeling that tonight is the best time to just stay indoors and do nothing.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I’m with you, Dorothea.

**felix** : the boar prince and the others have gone to the old chapel. should be interesting to watch what unfolds.

*

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 8:06pm]**

**memelord** : there is it, the full moon. our werewolf friends should be arriving shortly.

**Little King** : But the sun is still up??

**memelord** : as long as there is a full moon, there’s a werewolf.

**memelord** : plus the sun isn't setting until gone half nine. i don’t want to out after curfew.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : How did you even come to this conclusion? All we are going off on is some book found in the library.

**Flayn** : But Brother said that terrifying beasts really do exist in the chapel! They feed on those who venture too far from the monastery!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Seteth said that, did he?

**Flayn** : And the Professor!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’m fairly certain that was just the Professor making sure that we get back to the monastery in time for the front gates to close.

**Linhardt** : It wouldn’t hurt to at least look.

**Bernie** : Let me know how it goes!!

**Bernie** : I will stay here.

**Bernie** : Away from the beasties!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : wait! there it is!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : in the middle of the chapel grounds!

**Beefy Boi** : That’s a werewolf, alright.

**memelord** : let us approach carefully.

**memelord** : we don’t want to startle it

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : it’s seen us!

**memelord** : attack!

**Flayn** : Oh no! It really does exist!

**Flayn** : Begone, evil doer!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:20pm]**

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : WEREWOLF

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : BY THE CHAPEL

**Brigid Pride** : There is a wolf of a were?!

**Brigid Pride** : But it is not yet night!

**Bernie** : AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH1!!!

**Marianne <3**: I’m sorry.

**delicate flower** : it’s not your fault, marianne! it’s not like you brought it here.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : But... They don’t exist, right?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : they were giant and hairy!

**Little King** : And didn’t like it when we pelted them with the cutlery!

**Emperor Edelgard** : So that’s what you needed it for.

**memelord** : EVERYONE HIDE

**Beefy Boi** : Quickly, inside this classroom!

**Diva Queen** : No, not inside the Black Eagle room!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : We are still putting up the finishing touches!

**memelord** : close the doors!

**Diva Queen** : DON’T SLAM THEM!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : NOT THE CHANDELIER!

**Sylvain Gautier** : What the Hell was that?

**Lorenz the Great** : Sounded like glass breaking.

**Lorenz the Great** : A lot of glass breaking.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude?! Are you alright?!

**Professor Byleth** : Students, can someone please explain what is going on? What has just broken, and why has Balthus come to me complaining that some people have interrupted his yoga session by throwing knives and forks at him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not pictured: the rest of the Ashen Wolves keeping quiet and watching the chaos unfold before their eyes. 
> 
> For all those who predicted that the party was going to go wrong, pat yourself on the back. It was only a matter of time.


	26. Sewer Rat Reveals Deep Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Eyeliner on Fleek** : As a fellow house leader, I will attend.
> 
>  **Eyeliner on Fleek** : Though I can’t stay for very long. What with Holst visiting tomorrow, someone has to make sure that Balthus is presentable.
> 
>  **Dad Friend** : I do know how to dress myself.
> 
>  **delicate flower** : says the man who doesn’t know what a shirt is
> 
>  **Dad Friend** : It’s a statement, Hilda!
> 
>  **delicate flower** : a dumb one!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! 
> 
> This is a bit late because of reasons that I will go into detail in the end notes. 
> 
> Hope everyone is surviving the apocalypse! From now now, I will be including some links to some music that I find relaxing, or otherwise soothes my soul. Because we all need that as well as some laughs. 
> 
> [Here's some smooth jazz.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPxVMpeVRGI)

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:25pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Well, students? I am waiting for your answers.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Professor, everyone is throwing me a birthday party tomorrow, and they have decided to bring in a chandelier.

**Professor Byleth** : Why? There’s already one in place.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : But it isn’t classy enough!

**Hubert von Vestra** : No, but it is glassy enough.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I must say that you attempting to raise the roof really was a smashing performance.

**Diva Queen** : ...

**memelord** : nice

**Little King** : Hubert? You feeling okay?

**Bernie** : Hubert’s... making jokes...????

**Hubert von Vestra** : I’m not allowed to make jokes?

**Diva Queen** : No!

**Diva Queen** : You are normally so stoic and sarcastic! Hearing puns coming from you feels so wrong!

**Professor Byleth** : Regardless, there is a lot of glass on the floor and it needs to be safely disposed of. And then there’s the issue with Balthus and the cutlery.

**memelord** : about that

**delicate flower** : you threw cutlery at baltie?! wtf claude!

**memelord** : we thought he was a werewolf!

**Beefy Boi** : We saw him in the full moon!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : he was big and hairy!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : That’s Balthus for you.

**Sad** : Yep.

**Iced Coco** : He leaves hair everywhere!

**Dad Friend** : Appreciate the support, guys :(

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am sorry about that, Balthus. From a distance, you really did resemble a werewolf.

**Dad Friend** : Nah, it’s cool.

**Dad Friend** : Just be careful when throwing knifes around, alright? Could have taken an eye out!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : We should all head over to the Black Eagle classroom and help clean up the broken glass. I could hear it shattering from across the campus!

**Professor Byleth** : Are you unharmed?

**memelord** : yeah, we’re all good.

**memelord** : mostly.

**memelord** : a massive shard of glass has hit lorenz and pinned him to the ground

**Lorenz the Great** : No, it hasn’t! Professor, do not believe his lies! I am perfectly fine!

**delicate flower** : i can still hear him talking from the afterlife.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : He will be sorely missed.

**Marianne <3**: F

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : f

**Lorenz the Great** : The things I have to put up with!

**felix** : wanna swap classes?

**felix** : i feel like you and the ingrid would get along well.

**Lorenz the Great** : How so?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Don’t answer that, Felix. Not in front of the professor!

**Ashe** : Why? What is he about to say? :o

**Mercie** : Not in front of the children, Felix!

**Professor Byleth** : I would rather not know. For now, let us focus on cleaning the Black Eagle classroom and then it is time for bed.

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 10:01pm]**

**Archbishop Rhea** : Professor Byleth, I assume that all the students are alright after the accident in the Black Eagle classroom?

**Professor Byleth** : Yes, they are. I’ve made sure that they are all unharmed and sent them all off to bed. The chandelier and glass fragments have been cleaned up, but I will give the classroom a thorough check tomorrow before the party in case I’ve missed anything.

**Archbishop Rhea** : You have my thanks. And what of Balthus? I understand that he was assaulted by some of the students?

**Professor Byleth** : Yeah, they thought he was a werewolf and so threw cutlery at him. They were under the impression that something silver coloured would work even if it wasn’t actually made of silver.

**Archbishop Rhea** : I see. Thank you for dealing with the situation. Seteth and I were busy conducting evening prayers.

**Seteth** : I feel we should chaperone during the party. Given some of the attributes of the some of the students, we should supervise to ensure nothing goes wrong.

**Archbishop Rhea** : I agree. I do not want to ruin their fun, but I also don’t want them to be too rowdy.

**Professor Byleth** : I say the two of you maintain a safe distance so you don’t feel like we are interrupting. Let them have their fun and be around in case things go wrong.

**Professor Byleth** : Hopefully that won’t.

**Professor Byleth** : But that is wishful thinking.

**Seteth** : Where will you be?

**Professor Byleth** : Out.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:13am]**

**Professor Byleth** : Good morning, everyone! The Black Eagle classroom is safe to use, but please be careful in case there’s some glass that has escaped the clean up process.

**Professor Byleth** : And remember! Chores first, party second!

**Annie** : Mercie and I are on kitchen duty, which is great because we start preparing the cake!

**Dedue** : I am on stable duty today with Ingrid. I will not able to start on the preparation for some time.

**Linhardt** : Does someone want to do my task for me? I have other things that need my attention.

**Brigid Pride** : What is it that is needing your attention?

**Linhardt** : My nap.

**Brigid Pride** : But you have just done the waking up?

**Linhardt** : Yes.

**Linhardt** : And I immediately regret it.

**Little King** : It’s a beautiful day, Lin! At least try and act pleased about it!

**Linhardt** : Yay.

**Iced Coco** : I would be happy to assist in any tasks you have! Provided that they take place indoors.

**Linhardt** : I have to see to the greenhouse.

**Iced Coco** : So it involves the outside.

**Iced Coco** : I will pass, thank you!

**Professor Byleth** : No skirting on your chores, Linhardt.

**Professor Byleth** : Remember, we don’t do these chores to punish you.

**Professor Byleth** : You are building valuable skills.

**Hubert von Vestra** : How is pulling weeds a “valuable skill”?

**Professor Byleth** : Have fun!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I suppose we should all have our breakfast and get ourselves ready :) When is the party due to start?

**Diva Queen** : When we are all finished with the tasks. I’d say around 3pm?

**Marianne <3**: I have Lady Edelgard’s present. Shall I give it to her today?

**Emperor Edelgard** : If you wish, Marianne. My birthday isn’t officially until tomorrow.

**delicate flower** : same day as holst’s visit!

**Lorenz the Great** : And my father!

**Dad Friend** : So long as your father stays away from me at all times, we’re all good.

**Lorenz the Great** : He’s not that bad.

**Dad Friend** : He wants me dead!

**Lorenz the Great** : No, he just wants you to repay your debts.

**delicate flower** : hint hint HOLST hint hint

**delicate flower** : seriously, if you dont take advantage of your bff at least once, are you even friends?

**delicate flower** : like how i use claude’s shower gel so i dont have to buy my own

**memelord** : wait

**memelord** : WHAT

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i dont know what is worse

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you using claude’s shower gel

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : or that fact that you smell of bubblegum, which means claude uses bubblegum scented stuff

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : oh my!

**memelord** : let’s just go about our day, right?!

*

**_[private message from Dad Friend to memelord – 8:46am]_ **

**Dad Friend** : Bubblegum scented shower gel. Really?

**memelord** : DON’T JUDGE ME!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 10:09am]**

**Diva Queen** : Five hours to go!

**Bernie** : Iiiiiii i want to help!!!!

**Bernie** : what can i do????

**Diva Queen** : Do you want to help put up the décor? Aside from the chandelier.

**Bernie** : okay!!!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I don’t have anything today, so I am free to help out if needed :)

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Same here!

**memelord** : what happened to being one with the memes

**delicate flower** : friendship with you is over

**delicate flower** : edelgard is my new bff

**memelord** : traitor

**delicate flower** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Emperor Edelgard** : Now, now. There is plenty of me to go around. No need to squabble over me.

**Diva Queen** : Edie! D:

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I would love to assist, but I have been forced to do the weeding duty.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : With Hubert.

**Marianne <3**: Aren’t you two together?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You do not understand, Marianne.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I have had to stop Hubert from blasting the weeds away three times this morning.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I have no need for this trivialness.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I will be round as soon as I can. I just need to finish organising the books in the Blue Lion classroom.

**Brigid Pride** : I am having much excitement for this party!

**Little King** : Same here :D I love a good party!

**Annie** : OOOOOOO I can’t wait for you to see the cake :D

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i’m here for the cake

**Linhardt** : Yep

**Diva Queen** : I want everything to be perfect for my precious Edie :D

*

**_[private message from Dad Friend to memelord – 10:26am]_ **

**Dad Friend** : Twenty gold it all goes wrong within the first ten minutes

**memelord** : thirty for the first five minutes

**Dad Friend** : Done.

**Dad Friend** : Wait...

**memelord** : and you wonder why you are in debt

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 11:08am]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Balthus? Why are you hiding behind a bush outside the classroom?

**Dad Friend** : YOU CAN’T SEE ME

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Balthus, you’re a fully grown man. What are you trying to achieve?

**Diva Queen** : Balthus! Just in time :D

**Diva Queen** : Be a dear and pin this banner up for me??

**Dad Friend** : Uh...

**Dad Friend** : Of course, Dorothea! Always happy to help out.

**memelord** : the fuck you planning?

**Dad Friend** : Nothing.

**Diva Queen** : Balthus, let me say this:

**Diva Queen** : You ruin my Edie’s birthday party, and I will kill you :D

**Sad** : And no one will help you out.

**Iced Coco** : Have fun in your little party! Save some cake for me!

**Iced Coco** : I’ll stay where I am.

**Iced Coco** : Away from the sun.

**Sad** : Yeah, parties are not really my scene.

**Sad** : Enjoy yourselves.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : As a fellow house leader, I will attend.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Though I can’t stay for very long. What with Holst visiting tomorrow, someone has to make sure that Balthus is presentable.

**Dad Friend** : I do know how to dress myself.

**delicate flower** : says the man who doesn’t know what a shirt is

**Dad Friend** : It’s a statement, Hilda!

**delicate flower** : a dumb one!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You should at least brush your hair. You look like you’ve ran through a bush backwards.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Oh wait.

**Sylvain Gautier** : You could borrow some of His Highness’s shampoo.

**felix** : he uses shampoo?

**Mercie** : Felix!

**Ashe** : I’m sure he does!

**Dedue** : His Highness does use shampoo.

**felix** : then why is his hair like THAT

**felix** : all noodley

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : That is just how my hair is.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Would you like it if I grew it out?

**memelord** : YES

**Linhardt** : Claude seems to like that idea.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Alright, then!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I will try and grow it out :)

**memelord** : <3

**Lorenz the Great** : Claude certainly has His Highness wrapped around his little finger.

**delicate flower** : *whoopash*

**Beefy Boi** : Whoopash?

**Beefy Boi** : What’s that?

**delicate flower** : the sound of claude whipping dimitri into shape.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Don’t do that! That sounds painful!

**Marianne <3**: Please don’t.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : You pure children.

**Brigid Pride** : Does the whip have a meaning that I am not understanding?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am capable of independent thought!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I’m sure you are, Your Highness. Everyone is just messing with you.

**memelord** : dima~

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : No.

**memelord** : i just wanted a kiss :<

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Oh, sorry!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : gross

**Mercie** : Aww :3

**Annie** : So cute!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubie, why don’t you kiss me like that?

**Little King** : You’re asking Hubert that?

**Little King** : Mr Hubert “I’m An Emotionless Vampire” von Vestra?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Hmph.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I didn’t think I would need to kiss you to show you that I care.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Ferdie, my man, I don’t even get that from Felix.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Take it and go.

**delicate flower** : why?

**delicate flower** : what does felix say?

**Sylvain Gautier** : “You’ll do”.

**memelord** : pffttt

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : That’s... Alright, then.

**Ashe** : Felix :O

**Dedue** : I’m sure he does love you.

**Dedue** : Deep down.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Deep, deep, deep down.

**felix** : i don’t do emotions

**Little King** : Obviously!

**Marianne <3**: Hilda?

**delicate flower** : yes, baby girl?

**Marianne <3**: I love you.

**delicate flower** : love you too!

**Linhardt** : Caspar already knows.

**Linhardt** : I don’t need to say it.

**Little King** : <3

**Beefy Boi** : Lots of love going around :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It’s really nice to see :)

**Bernie** : I... i like people too!!!!

**Brigid Pride** : And we are liking you, Bernadetta!

**Emperor Edelgard** : How are the preparations going? I see that everyone is spreading the love around, which is lovely :)

**Diva Queen** : Going great, Edie! :D

**Diva Queen** : The party should be ready to go at 3pm as planned!

**Dedue** : I am still on stable duty. Ashe should be free soon to start preparing the food. I will join him once I am finished. 

**Ashe** : That’s right! We'll make sure that there is enough for everyone to go around :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : That’s good :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : I was just passing by the tea garden, and I saw something very interesting.

**_Emperor Edelgard posted a link: look_at_them.mov_ **

**memelord** : spying on teach and the gateskeeper?

**memelord** : didn’t know you had a dark side, edie

**Emperor Edelgard** : It’s not like that! I was just thinking about how nice it is that the professor has managed to get some alone time :)

**Marianne <3**: They are very happy...

**Bernie** : llook at their smiles!!!!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : aww :)

**Ashe** : Are we still going to organise a picnic for them?

**Brigid Pride** : Oh, I was wondering what was happening with that picnic?

**Emperor Edelgard** : We will get round to it.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Eventually.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Your Professor and the Gateskeeper?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : A shame.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I was hoping to get a piece of the action myself.

**Iced Coco** : YURI WTF?!

**Sad** : Homeboy has the hots for the teacher

**Dad Friend** : Nice.

**memelord** : i

**memelord** : i was going to come up with something sarcastic, but i am at a loss for words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly late, but because of work being absolutely hell with the amount of people panic buying ~~and the abuse we have been receiving~~ , I had to take a few days to sort myself out. Whilst I am not in quarantine or self isolation, I am reducing the amount of time I spend outdoors. Which is fine, because I am naturally a social introvert xD
> 
> I've also been taking the time replay some old games, so I should be fully refreshed and ready to go :D


	27. Party Crasher In The House Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Professor Byleth** : I guess you were trying to spy on them earlier. 
> 
> **Professor Byleth** : I heard your screams from the tea garden.
> 
>  **Flayn** : True!
> 
>  **Flayn** : Brother does have a high pitched scream :D
> 
>  **Seteth** : Flayn!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! 
> 
> I am back in my newly redecorated bedroom! At least there is one thing this lockdown is good for. 
> 
> It's also nearly one in the morning again. 
> 
> Yay for insomnia.
> 
> [Have some music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMfvZmhqW0A)

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:31pm]**

**Diva Queen** : It’s almost time! Just under half an hour to go.

**Brigid Pride** : I am having so much excitement for this party! Are all the preparations completed?

**Dedue** : I am bringing the food across now.

**Ashe** : It’s a mixture of Fódlan and Duscur food :D

**Lorenz the Great** : Sounds delicious.

**Emperor Edelgard** : How is the classroom looking?

**delicate flower** : ~*~fabulous~*~

**Mercie** : The cake is finished!

**Annie** : It’s been decorated :3

**Diva Queen** : We will be ready to have the best birthday party for my Edie!

**Diva Queen** : And nothing will go wrong.

**memelord** : yeah, balthus

**Dad Friend** : Why are you singling me out?

**memelord** : aren’t you forgetting our little...

**memelord** : deal?

**Emperor Edelgard** : What deal?

**memelord** : oh, nothing

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude, have you and Balthus made a deal on how long it takes before the party goes wrong?

**memelord** : ‘course not.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You fiend!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : How much have you bet?

**Diva Queen** : FERDIE! 

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Isn’t Balthus is debt? What’s he doing making childish bets?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Men can’t help themselves.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Once they can’t get into a habit, they can’t get out of it.

**Little King** : Much like how you like to stand in the corner of a room and glare at people?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am keeping an eye out for any potential danger.

**Linhardt** : In the classroom?

**Bernie** : the classroom is dangerous?!

**Bernie** : THAT’S IT. I AM NEVER LEAVING MY ROOM EVER!!!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Not even for my birthday party?

**Bernie** : Oh, okay... I’ll go outside for that :D

**Marianne <3**: I have your present here.

**Marianne <3**: It’s from some of us.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : We chipped in some money to buy you something nice.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : But it was Marianne who spotted it in the first place!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It really is beautiful :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’m curious now :)

**Beefy Boi** : I’m no good at this sort of thing.

**Beefy Boi** : So I trust Marianne :D

**felix** : oi

**felix** : where’d you want the tea?

**Diva Queen** : Over there, near the tea pot.

**Sylvain Gautier** : We all set?

**Diva Queen** : We are! :D

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : where’s the cake?

**Sad** : have fun

**Iced Coco** : Enjoy yourselves! Yuri, be a dear and save us some food?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Get your own.

*

**_[private message from memelord to Dad Friend – 3:10pm]_ **

**memelord** : it’s been ten minutes

**memelord** : nothing’s gone wrong

**memelord** : cough up

**Dad Friend** : Damn

**memelord** : i’ll make you a deal

**memelord** : i’ll forget about your debt if you confess your feelings to holst

**Dad Friend** : !!!

*

**_[private message from delicate flower to memelord – 3:11pm]_ **

**delicate flower** : the hell have you done to baltie?

**delicate flower** : he seems to have malfunctioned

**memelord** : told him that i would forget his debt if he confessed to holst

**delicate flower** : lmao

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 3:12pm]**

**Seteth** : The birthday party is underway. Everything seems to be going well.

**Archbishop Rhea** : I am quite pleased.

**Seteth** : Flayn and I are watching from a safe distance. I doubt the students can see us.

**Flayn** : It was Brother’s idea to hide amongst the bushes and spy using a pair of binoculars!

**Flayn** : Such a strange invention!

**Seteth** ; Flayn, stay down!

**Seteth** : We do not want the others to see us.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:15pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Oh, Marianne! It’s gorgeous!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you so much!

**Marianne <3**: You’re welcome.

**Marianne <3**: I’m just glad you like it :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : I love it! And this food is beautiful.

**Dedue** : You have my thanks, Lady Edelgard.

**Ashe** : Phew, that’s a relief :D

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Not to rain on anyone’s parade, but does anyone else get the feeling that we’re being watched?

**felix** : yes

**Sylvain Gautier** : Now that you mention it.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Is it Balthus?

**Dad Friend** : I’m right here!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Yuri?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Also here.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : And it doubt it’s one of the lovely ladies.

**Sad** : nope

**Sad** : not me

**Iced Coco** : How dare you suggest that I would do such a thing!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Well, if it is not any of us, then who is watching us?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Stay here.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I will go and investigate.

**Annie** : Be careful!

**Mercie** : I’m sure it’s not that bad :3

**Hubert von Vestra** : I suppose I’ll tag along.

**Hubert von Vestra** : For Lady Edelgard’s sake.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : And mine!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Perhaps.

**felix** : just hurry up already

**felix** : the tea is going cold.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : that scream i heard

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : that was incredibly high pitched

**Emperor Edelgard** : Indeed. And it seems that there were several screams.

**memelord** : dima? you alright?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Yes.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Seteth and Flayn were spying on us from behind the bushes. We startled them just as much as they startled us.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : So the high pitched scream was Flayn?

**Hubert von Vestra** : And His Highness.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I had no idea his voice could go that high.

**Beefy Boi** : What about Seteth?

**Hubert von Vestra** : He scarpered away.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I could hear four screams, though.

**Diva Queen** : Hubie?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Nonsense.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I do not scream like a little girl.

**Brigid Pride** : But I was hearing the girliness of the scream.

**Brigid Pride** : Unless Flayn is able to do a double scream?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hubert screams like a girl

**delicate flower** : pfft!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : But why were Seteth and Flayn there to begin with?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Probably making sure that you idiots don’t mess it up.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : It’s been fifteen minutes. Surely if something was to go wrong, it would do so now.

**felix** : give it time

**Diva Queen** : Nothing is going to go wrong :)

**Beefy Boi** : Yeah!

**Beefy Boi** : And there’s so much food!

**Lorenz the Great** : Save some for the rest of us!

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 3:21pm]**

**Seteth** : I’m sorry, Lady Rhea. Flayn and I were spotted.

**Flayn** : The prince and the big scary man with the dark hair saw us and scared us away!

**Archbishop Rhea** : It is alright. I trust the students to look after themselves. 

**Archbishop Rhea** : I will go and check in on them after a few minutes have passed.

**Archbishop Rhea** : Have you seen the Professor anywhere?

**Seteth** : Having afternoon tea with the Gatekeeper.

**Archbishop Rhea** : I see.

**Archbishop Rhea** : Hold on.

**Archbishop Rhea** : Who is watching the gate?

**Seteth** : Ah.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:30pm]**

**Dedue** : Did anyone else see a blur of green rush by the classroom?

**Ashe** : Yes, I did!

**delicate flower** : nah

**delicate flower** : it’s probably nothing

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : less talking more eating

**Mercie** : Lysithea, you are on your third slice of cake!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : it tastes good

**memelord** : a growing girl needs her food

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : stfu

**memelord** : now, now, don’t talk with your mouth full

**Sylvain Gautier** : Breaking News: Claude von Riegan was found murdered in the Black Eagle classroom this afternoon. Cause of death: blasted by a spell from an angry albino midget. 

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you're on thin ice, sylvain

**Sylvain Gautier** : I'm sorry! D:

**Diva Queen** : Please take your fighting outside!

**felix** : such children

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : So childish of you to fight like this!

**memelord** : we’re not fighting

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yet.

**memelord** : just some friendly sibling rivalry :)

**Brigid Pride** : Oh, are you two brother and sister?

**Brigid Pride** : But you are looking nothing alike.

**Diva Queen** : It’s an expression, sweetie.

**Linhardt** : Is this party over yet? It feels like I’ve been here for hours.

**Little King** : It’s been half an hour.

**Emperor Edelgard** : No one is stopping you from leaving, Linhardt.

**Linhardt** : Dorothea is.

**Diva Queen** : That’s right :)

**Diva Queen** : If you’re that miserable, why don’t you go nap in the corner.

**Linhardt** : Alright. 

**Little King** : Don’t just say things like that, Dorothea! He’ll go ahead and do it! 

**Hubert von Vestra** : If it stops him from complaining, he can do what he wants.

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 3:47pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : I’m sorry. I lost track of the time.

**Professor Byleth** : I didn’t mean to keep the Gatekeeper away for so long.

**Archbishop Rhea** : I trust you had fun with your little tea party?

**Professor Byleth** : I did :)

**Seteth** : Good.

**Seteth** : Now, about that party that is currently taking place in the Black Eagle classroom.

**Seteth** : Lady Rhea was just about to go check in on them.

**Professor Byleth** : I don’t mind popping around.

**Professor Byleth** : I guess you were trying to spy on them earlier. 

**Professor Byleth** : I heard your screams from the tea garden.

**Flayn** : True!

**Flayn** : Brother does have a high pitched scream :D

**Seteth** : Flayn!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:48pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, students! How are things going?

**Little King** : Going great!

**Lorenz the Great** : We are all sitting down with cups of tea and fine cuisine.

**Lorenz the Great** : Well, nearly all of us.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Bernadetta has taken to hiding underneath her table.

**Bernie** : BWAH!

**Bernie** : DON’T CALL ME OUT LIKE THAT!

**Bernie** : BERNIE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO HIDE UNDER HER TABLE!

**Hubert von Vestra** : And Linhardt is asleep in the corner.

**Professor Byleth** : So business as usual then.

**Professor Byleth** : Mind if I visit? I can smell the delicious food from here!

**Ashe** : Of course!

**Dedue** : You are welcome to help yourself to anything you like.

**Dedue** : We have made enough for everyone.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Raphael has eaten three plates worth of food, and there is still plenty to go around :)

**Beefy Boi** : I’m stuffed!

**Lorenz the Great** : A rare sight, indeed.

**Lorenz the Great** : And this tea is delicious.

**Lorenz the Great** : Thank you, Felix.

**felix** : hmph

**felix** : don’t mention it

**Annie** : OOoh! Try some of the cake Mercie and I made!

**Mercie** : There’s still some left.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : We managed to stop Lysithea from eating it all.

**Marianne <3**: It’s really nice cake.

**Emperor Edelgard** : And Marianne got me a beautiful present :)

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Is it so lovely to see everyone having fun and enjoying themselves.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Even if does appear that Balthus has lost a bet to Claude.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Never seen a grown man pout so much.

**Professor Byleth** : I will be there soon.

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 4:01pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Everything is all good. I’ve brought you all some food. The red velvet cake and Duscur cuisine is to die for.

**Archbishop Rhea** : Thank you, Professor. I assume the Blue Lions provided the food? I heard they are quite good at cooking and baking.

**Professor Byleth** : That’s right.

**Professor Byleth** : Though I did come across something unexpected.

**Professor Byleth** : Or, rather, someone unexpected.

**Seteth** : Whatever do you mean?

**Professor Byleth** : See for yourself.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:10pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello again, students. I know I was here not long ago, but I have a present for you.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : For us?

**Brigid Pride** : What present do you have?

**Professor Byleth** : I think it would be best if I showed you.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Wait, is that who I think it is?!

**delicate flower** : OMG

**Dad Friend** : Holst?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's he doing here this early?
> 
> Who knows?


	28. The Four Part Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Eyeliner on Fleek** : Worry not, everyone. I’ll escort the two love birds back to Abyss so they can catch up in private.
> 
> **delicate flower** : hey! holst is my brother so i’m coming too! i’ve not seen him for ages, either!
> 
> **Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : You sure, Hilda? Abyss in the sewers, after all.
> 
> **Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : And I know how much you hate the sewers.
> 
> **delicate flower** : fine. i’ll loiter around the entrance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! 
> 
> Still stuck at home. At least I go back to work on Wednesday so I can see how chaotic things have gotten during my week off. 
> 
> The title for this chapter came about as I was listening to the Portal 2 soundtrack, which is another fantastic game that everyone should play. 
> 
> I'll include the song in question that inspired this chapter: [here!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uAsD6lQV1I&t)

**_[private message from delicate flower to memelord – 4:11pm]_ **

**delicate flower** : CLAUDE WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!

**delicate flower** : WHY IS HOLST HERE A DAY EARLY?!

**memelord** : all part of my ~*~ingenious~*~ four part plan.

**memelord** : step one: talk holst into arriving a day early

**memelord** : step two: convince balthus that he has lost a bet, and that the only way out of paying me is by confessing to holst

**memelord** : step three: ???

**memelord** : step four: PROFIT!

**delicate flower** : WHAT THE HELL, CLAUDE?!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:12pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Duke Holst Goneril? I wonder what he’s going here at my birthday party?

**Diva Queen** : I didn’t send out an invite to him, so I’m not sure.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Isn’t it obvious? This is Claude’s doing.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Dimitri?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Don’t look at me.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude mentioned no such scheme to me.

**delicate flower** : he didn’t mention it to anyone.

**delicate flower** : not even to me!

**Marianne <3**: Who is this man?

**Marianne <3**: Is this Holst?

**Mercie** : I have heard about Holst, but I don’t know much about him.

**Annie** : He’s Hilda’s brother, right?

**Lorenz the Great** : That’s correct.

**Lorenz the Great** : Duke Holst Goneril, one of the most renowned warriors in the Alliance. His territory borders that of Almyra, so he is often guarding Fódlan’s Locket at the top of Fódlan’s Throat. Very few have won a fight against him.

**memelord** : thanks for the exposition, lozzie

**Lorenz the Great** : LOZZIE?!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : But what is he doing here? :O

**Beefy Boi** : I thought he was due to arrive tomorrow, at the same time Count Gloucester???

**Beefy Boi** : Perhaps he heard about this party and wanted some food?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Probably because he wanted to see Balthus.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Doesn’t Balthus owe money to Count Gloucester?

**felix** : yep

**felix** : that’s probably why he’s here early

**felix** : so that balthus doesn’t have to be on the surface when gloucester arrives.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Makes sense to me.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Still, I wish one of them would make the first move. They’ve been staring at the each other for five minutes now.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Nicely played, Claude.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I see I need to more careful when you’re around.

**Bernie** : gahhhhhh what is happening??!???

**Brigid Pride** : They are having the tension between them. Are we going to help them?

**Diva Queen** : I suppose we should. Otherwise we’ll be here until the cows come home.

**Brigid Pride** : What cows? Do we have cows at the monastery that I am not aware of?

**Dedue** : It is a saying of Fódlan. His Highness once told me the meaning of it.

**Ashe** : Oh! It means that something will last for an indeterminate amount of time!

**Little King** : Basically, if we don’t act now, then nothing will get done.

**Linhardt** : What is all this ruckus?

**Linhardt** : Can’t a guy take a nap in peace? 

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Worry not, everyone. I’ll escort the two love birds back to Abyss so they can catch up in private.

**delicate flower** : hey! holst is my brother so i’m coming too! i’ve not seen him for ages, either!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : You sure, Hilda? Abyss in the sewers, after all.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : And I know how much you hate the sewers.

**delicate flower** : fine. i’ll loiter around the entrance.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i feel sick

**Marianne <3**: Lysithea, you’re looking incredibly pale! You need to go to the infirmary.

**Lorenz the Great** : Are you alright, Lysithea?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I think she’s about to throw up!

**Beefy Boi** : On it!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Careful, Raphael! Take her straight to the infirmary!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Someone has eaten one too many slices of cake

**Emperor Edelgard** : It was really nice cake. Thank you Mercedes and Annette.

**Annie** : You’re welcome, Your Highness :D

**Mercie** : I’m so happy everyone loved it so much.

**Mercie** : Even if Lysithea has fallen ill because of it.

**memelord** : girl loves her cake.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am amazed at how much she has eaten.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : That’s Lysithea for you.

**felix** : just like ingrid

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Hey! I don’t gorge myself on cake!

**Sylvain Gautier** : No, you just shove your face full of steaks.

**Little King** : Steaks are good!

**Little King** : You can’t beat a nice, well cooked steak.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I like mine raw.

**Bernie** : what?????

**Dedue** : That is incredibly dangerous.

**Dedue** : You are at risk of food poisoning.

**Ashe** : You mean you like it rare?

**Hubert von Vestra** : No.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Raw.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubie has strange tastes.

**Dedue** : Why are you encouraging such behaviour?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : He does eat normal food, honest!

**Brigid Pride** : I am curious about this raw food. In Brigid, we always cook our food until it completely done. Is this a Fódlan tradition I am not aware of?

**Diva Queen** : Not exactly.

**Diva Queen** : This is Hubie being strange.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Ashe, Dedue, are you thinking about cooking for Hubert?

**Ashe** : I accept that challenge, Your Highness :D

**Dedue** : Yes.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Heh, it seems that the Blue Lions have taken offence to your eating habits, Hubert. Please at least try their cooking. Both Ashe and Dedue cooked this spread you see before you.

**Hubert von Vestra** : But Lady Edelgard, I am capable of eating regular food. There’s no need for this nonsense.

**Emperor Edelgard** : No ifs or buts, Hubert. I saw you snacking on one of those pastry things when you thought no one was looking.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Very well.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I wonder how Balthus is getting on with Holst?

**Marianne <3**: And Lysithea...

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Holst and Balthus are still having a staring contest. We left them in the classroom in Abyss. I’ll check in them later.

**Beefy Boi** : Lysithea’s been given some medicine. She’ll be fine :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : Excellent. Now, does anyone want some more tea?

*

**[Ashen Wolves Group Chat – 4:30pm]**

**Iced Coco** : It’s been nearly half an hour! Why haven’t they said anything?!

**Sad** : They aren’t moving, either. You sure B’s a grown man?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Yes. But apparently it’s been a long time since they’ve seen each other. Balthus is probably too stunned to move.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Leave the idiot lovebirds alone. They’ll move eventually.

**Sad** : How was the party?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Not as stuffy as I thought it would be. You’d think being in a classroom full of nobility and royalty would be unbearable, but it wasn’t that bad.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I dread to think what would have happened if the high-class party had gone ahead as planned.

**Iced Coco** : There is nothing with a bit of class! House Nuvelle’s parties used to be the talk of the Empire!

**Sad** : Yeah, because of how boring they were.

**Iced Coco** : Hapi! How dare you! They were extravagant affairs that even the Emperor attended!

**Sad** : Like I said, completely boring.

**Iced Coco** : Hmph! When House Nuvelle has been restored, I will drag you to every party I host!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : She’s got you there.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : There’s nothing wrong with a good formal dinner. But imagine Lorenz and Ferdinand competing to see who can out noble the other.

**Iced Coco** : I see your point.

**Sad** : Good job they didn’t.

**Iced Coco** : So many nobles don’t act like they are of nobility! How uncouth! Like Sylvain! It’s hard to believe that Sylvain is the heir of Gautier territory!

**Sad** : Far as I can tell, neither Caspar or Linhardt want to take over.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Don’t blame them. Sometimes it’s nice to just leave everything behind and start afresh. Like with Abyss.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Oh, looks like Balthus has finally returned to reality.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:01pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, students! I see that you have finished up your tea party. I hope you had fun, and remember to clean up after yourselves! As nice as the decoration are, we do need to take it all down ready for classes on Monday. 

**Emperor Edelgard** : Of course, Professor. I think we are just about finished up here. We managed to eat all the food up. 

**Professor Byleth** : A successful party then, aside from Lysithea nearly throwing up. Has anyone seen Holst? Lady Rhea wishes to speak to him.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Down in Abyss.

**Professor Byleth** : I’ll send Yuri a private message and tell him to tell Holst to go see Rhea in her office.

**Professor Byleth** : It’s nothing too serious, don’t worry!

*

**_[private message from Professor Byleth to Eyeliner on Fleek – 5:05pm]_ **

**Professor Byleth** : Yuri, when Holst has the time, can he please go to Lady Rhea? She just wants to have a quick talk with him.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I will let him know. He’s just catching up with Balthus at the moment.

**Professor Byleth** : I’ll tell Lady Rhea that he’s busy.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Good idea.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : They’ve spent that past twenty minutes just sparring to “gauge each other’s strength”.

**Professor Byleth** : We’ll leave them to it.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:06pm]**

**delicate flower** : holst is still talking to balthus! it’s not like i’m his sister or anything.

**Linhardt** : He sees you all the time.

**Linhardt** : How long has it been since he’s seen Balthus? At least seven years?

**Linhardt** : Bros before biological siblings.

**delicate flower** : rude!

**Little King** : I’m sure he’ll speak to you soon, Hilda!

**Little King** : Maybe.

**Lorenz the Great** : Does Holst have an account?

**delicate flower** : no idea... i’ve sent him a text but he’s not responding to me!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : what are we going to do about lorenz’s dad?

**Lorenz the Great** : Whatever do you mean?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : he’s fucking terrifying.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I agree. I’ve heard tales of Count Gloucester, and he seems pretty scary.

**Beefy Boi** : He can’t be that bad.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Claude? What’s your experience with him?

**memelord** : oh, he’s terrible.

**memelord** : it’s no secret that he is after my grandfather’s position as leader

**Lorenz the Great** : That is not true!

**Lorenz the Great** : Cease this baseless slander!

**memelord** : at night, he turns into the boogeyman and eats children!

**Bernie** : arghhhrurwhje

**Bernie** : KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME!

**Bernie** : I DON’T WANT TO BE EATEN!

**Lorenz the Great** : Claude! My father is a perfectly respectable man who does not eat children! Stop spreading these lies!

**memelord** : i’m just pulling your leg

**memelord** : play along, will you?

**memelord** : i’m building up your father as a terrifying man so that people will tremble at his feet to avoid getting on his bad side.

**Marianne <3**: I’ll just stay in my room.

**Marianne <3**: I doubt he’ll want to see me anyway.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’m curious to meet his Count for myself.

**Lorenz the Great** : He would love to meet you, Your Highness. And Lady Edelgard, as well. He always sings praises of the two of you.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I think Dorothea wants to take me out for a proper birthday treat tomorrow. Sorry!

**Diva Queen** : That’s right. We’ve had a group party. Now I want something that just involves myself and Edie.

**Diva Queen** : I know Hubie will act as a third wheel, so Ferdie can come along to give him something to do.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Thank you!

**felix** : i’ll stay out the way. it’s all alliance business.

**Sylvain Gautier** : We may be entering a Kingdom/Alliance, erm... alliance, any time soon.

**felix** : meaning?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Isn’t a bit early for His Highness to be thinking about marriage?

**Dedue** : He is already engaged.

**Ashe** : But still. His Highness is only seventeen!

**Annie** : Ooh! Can Mercie and I make the cake for your wedding!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : No one is getting married yet.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : give them time

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : claude, i still want to be a groomsmaid at your eventual wedding.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hilda’s already claimed best woman position

**delicate flower** : damn right

**Diva Queen** : On the topic of weddings, when Edie and I get married, I want to invite you all to attend! It’ll be a grand event like nothing the Empire has ever seen!

**Little King** : What about Ferdinand and Hubert?

**Hubert von Vestra** : What about us?

**Little King** : When’s your wedding? :D

**Hubert von Vestra** : Not yet.

**Linhardt** : How romantic.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Felix?

**felix** : no.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Ouch. Rejection hurts.

**Annie** : Felix! How dare you >:(

**Mercie** : I think we should all wait a bit before thinking about marriage. We are all still children :)

**Brigid Pride** : Lysithea, I have been wondering why you want to take part in the wedding of Claude when the two of you argue?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : because i want to steal the limelight away from claude

**memelord** : love you too, lysithea <3

**Marianne <3**: Hilda? How are things down there?

**delicate flower** : they’re still talking. i’m playing poker with the sewer rats

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Poker? What the hell are you playing for?

**delicate flower** : yuri’s boots.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Why don’t they come on here anymore? It’s not like they’ve been banned?

**delicate flower** : just asked yuri, and his exact words were “when they all stop sharing a braincell, then i’ll come back on.”

**Little King** : That’s a bit harsh. I have a fully functional brain!

**Linhardt** : Says the boy who gets into fights he stands no chance of winning.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : He’ll be away for a long time. There’s little hope for some people.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Aka Sylvain and Felix.

**felix** : hmph.

**Ashe** : I miss having them about. I liked hearing their stories!

**Dedue** : Perhaps we should visit them someday.

**delicate flower** : ooh, hold on! balthus is here!

**delicate flower** : oh, he’s pissed off.

**Dad Friend** : CLAUDE!

**Dad Friend** : I WON THAT BET! YOU OWE ME THIRTY COINS!

**Dad Friend** : I ALSO DON’T HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I LIKE HOLST!

**memelord** : hah! you’ve just walked right into the third step of my plan.

**memelord** : step three: trick balthus into publically telling everyone that he likes holst!

**Dad Friend** : I... I...

**delicate flower** : WHAT THE HELL

**delicate flower** : WHAT MINDFUCKERY DID YOU JUST PULL ON US!!!!

**Marianne <3**: That was very clever, Claude.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am impressed.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Prince Dimitri, you must be proud of your fiancé.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : He can’t answer that.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : He’s too busy looking at Claude.

**Linhardt** : He has the most lovestruck expression on his face.

**felix** : disgusting

**memelord** : BOW DOWN BEFORE MY GREATNESS

**memelord** : YOU CAN’T OUTSCHEME THE MASTER SCHEMER!

**Brigid Pride** : You are doing the dabbing in celebration! I shall join in!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hilda, tell Yuri that he should stay down there and not venture out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's the better Master Schemer: Robin, or Claude?


	29. The Dreaded Count Gloucester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Lorenz the Great** : Didn’t I tell you not to consult The Brotherhood of Chaos?!
> 
>  **memelord** : well...
> 
>  **Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You can’t tell Claude to not do something. It will make him want to do it.
> 
>  **Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I tell Claude not to bother me when I’m studying, and he ends up laying across my lap whilst I read.
> 
>  **felix** : gross.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Do you ever have those times when you love what you're writing? This is one of those times. This chapter has been one of my favourite things to write.
> 
> I've also been playing a lot of Stardew Valley lately on my Switch. It's fun to just forget about everything and mine a ton of gems whilst forgetting about the farm :3
> 
> I'll include a playlist to the seasonal tracks, because they are beautiful: [Here!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FO9WXi9gxQg&list=PLXNKbEe-I76SAvVCNGm4lZ7g4x_bQTDAx)
> 
> (Summer Tropicala is my favourite!)

**_[private message from Lorenz the Great to memelord – 9:05pm]_ **

**Lorenz the Great** : Claude, I know you and my father don’t see eye to eye, but please try to avoid any unnecessary confrontations.

**memelord** : like???

**Lorenz the Great** : Rubbing it into his face that you’re the heir to the Alliance.

**memelord** : holst was due to take over when gramps died

**Lorenz the Great** : ...

**Lorenz the Great** : My point still stands!

**Lorenz the Great** : My father is not a patient man. He’s coming here to inspect the school and doesn’t tolerate foolishness.

**memelord** : don’t worry. i will be on my best behaviour!

**Lorenz the Great** : If nothing occurs during the visit, I will let you change my name to whatever you want until Tuesday.

**memelord** : deal

**Lorenz the Great** : Also, please do not consult with your Brotherhood of Chaos.

**memelord** : to hear is to obey

*

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 9:07pm]**

**memelord** : gather round, everyone!

**memelord** : i have important news regarding the count’s visit tomorrow!

**Bernie** : The Count is coming tomorrow?!!!?!?!?!

**Bernie** : HE’S NOT GOING TO KILL ME IS HE?

**memelord** : no

**memelord** : we, the brotherhood of chaos, have a new mission: make sure that his visit goes as smoothly as possible

**Sylvain Gautier** : Alright, what’s your incentive this time?

**memelord** : i can call lorenz whatever i want until tuesday

**Sylvain Gautier** : Nice.

**memelord** : as such, we need to make sure that everything goes swimmingly.

**memelord** : therefore i have assigned everyone roles for the big day tomorrow

**memelord** : caspar and raph, you are the count’s bodyguards. you will walk behind him to ensure that nothing happens to him.

**Little King** : Alright! :D

**Beefy Boi** : You can rely on me :D

**memelord** : hubert, I assume you are going on a date with ferdie tomorrow?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Correct. I will not be around to witness this little plan of yours.

**memelord** : no matter.

**memelord** : bernie can stay in her room.

**memelord** : baltus can loiter in the sewers with his new boyfriend

**Dad Friend** : Thank you. 

**delicate flower** : what about me, claude?

**memelord** : hilda, you and sylvain will linger in the shadows to keep an eye on any potential danger.

**memelord** : lin, you keep doing you.

**memelord** : and flayn?

**Flayn** : Me?

**memelord** : do you want to act as a tourguide for our lovely count? you know the monastery better than anyone else.

**Flayn** : Oh! It will be an honour to do so! :D

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : What do I do, Claude?

**memelord** : stay with me so that i don’t snap and kill the count

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Got it.

**memelord** : do you all remember your codenames from operation toilet paper?

**delicate flower** : the charmer!

**Sylvain Gautier** : The Casanova ;)

**Little King** : Muscle One!

**Beefy Boi** : Muscle Two :D

**Bernie** : i... i’m the silence! you wont hear a peep from me!!!!!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : The Boyfriend :)

**memelord** : the glare will be absent from this mission. we also have three new people to give names to.

**memelord** : balthus, you are now “the fugitive”

**Dad Friend** : NICE!

**memelord** : linhardt, you are “the sleep”

**memelord** : and flayn, you are “the fish”.

**Flayn** : I will get the job done :D

**memelord** : excellent. now get some sleep, everyone! big day ahead of us!

*

**_[private message from memelord to Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice – 9:32pm]_ **

**memelord** : leonie, tomorrow when the count arrives, i need you to follow him and act as a running commentary.

**memelord** : you are the stealthiest out of everyone, so i trust you for this task should you accept.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I accept!

**memelord** : excellent. your code name is “the hunter”.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I’m not actually hunting him, am I?

**memelord** : i can give you an official pardon if you “accidentally” let loose an arrow into his head

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Fair enough.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:59pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Lights out, students :) Count Gloucester is visiting tomorrow, so I want everyone to be on their best behaviour. The Count is one the highest-ranking nobles in the Leicester Alliance, and so we want to impress him as much as we can. Looking at you, Golden Deer.

**memelord** : rude

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:08am]**

**Lorenz the Great** : My father will be arriving a little after midday. He should be focusing on the Academy itself, so don’t worry about having to talk to him.

**delicate flower** : good! according to holst, he’s like trying to talk to a brick wall.

**Lorenz the Great** : Anyway, if he does talk to you, just act normal! Don’t do anything silly.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Heh, now I’m relieved that Balthus has agreed to stay in the Abyss.

**Mercie** : Will he be visiting the classrooms at all?

**Lorenz the Great** : If he does, it will just be the Golden Deer classroom. He may have a peek into the other two if he feels the need to.

**Annie** : He needn’t worry! The Blue Lion classroom is in perfect shape! :D

**Brigid Pride** : The Black Eagle room is also having the cleanliness. We were efficient in doing the cleaning after the tea party yesterday.

**Diva Queen** : Yes, and more importantly!

**Diva Queen** : Happy birthday, Edie! :D

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Happy birthday, Lady Edelgard! Eighteen in the most noblest of ages to be!

**Brigid Pride** : I hope you are having the happiest of the birthdays, Your Highness :)

**Annie** : OH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

**Mercie** : Happy birthday :3

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Happy birthday :D

**Little King** : Yeah! Birthday time!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Have a wonderful time, Your Highness!

**felix** : birth

**Sylvain Gautier** : Happy birthday!

**delicate flower** : happy birthday

**Marianne <3**: Happy birthday, Your Highness...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : birth

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Oh, nice! Happy birthday! Hope it’s a good one!

**Ashe** : Have a good day, Your Highness :)

**Dedue** : Indeed. I hope you enjoy yourself.

**Beefy Boi** : You’re of age now, right? Does this mean you’ll be taking over the throne soon?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Raphael! Do not imply that Her Highness will be ascending to the throne before she has even finished her education! The Emperor is still alive and well!

**Emperor Edelgard** : It is alright, Ferdinand. Raphael didn’t mean anything by it. Yes, I am of age, but I have no intentions of taking to the throne yet. I still have much to learn :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : And thank you for your messages, everyone! I will be going out for a treat with Dorothea soon. Good luck with the Count!

**Lorenz the Great** : Everything will go smoothly, I assure you.

**memelord** : yes it will :)

**Lorenz the Great** : What have you got planned, Claude?

**memelord** : nothing.

**Marianne <3**: umm...

**Marianne <3**: I’m sorry to be a bother.

**Marianne <3**: I know I should be with you all, being a noble, but I am not very good with people.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hide with me, marianne. i’m not interested in some stuffy noble.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i actually need some help with a healing spell that i’ve been stuck on. could you help me?

**Marianne <3**: O-Okay! :)

**Mercie** : I’ll be happy to assist, as well :D

**Linhardt** : Guess I’ll help too. Got that stupid exam approaching.

**Diva Queen** : There is nothing stupid about your education, Linhardt!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Need a place to practice that isn’t the old chapel? Abyss has a wide open space that Hapi and Constance use for their magic training.

**Iced Coco** : Yes! We would be delighted to have you with us!

**Sad** : Just don’t expect much help from us. We’re not white magic users.

**Sad** : Now dark magic, on the other hand.

**Sad** : That I can help you with.

**Iced Coco** : Indeed! Any black magic spells you need help with, just ask your big sister Constance!

**Mercie** : I thought I was the big sister? :O

**Iced Coco** : You’ll always be my big sister, dear Mercedes :)

**Annie** : WAIT, WHAT?!?!

**Annie** : YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?!

**Annie** : WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME EARLIER?! D:

**Mercie** : Sorry, Annie, I should have told you that I knew Constance from when I lived in the Empire.

**Annie** : Oh!

**Annie** : That makes sense :3

**Bernie** : small world :o

**Ashe** : Constance, why don’t you visit the Kingdom some day? I’d love you show you around :D

**Dedue** : You might be able to stay at the Palace in Fhirdiad if His Highness allows it.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Of course. Why wouldn’t I?

**Iced Coco** : Is there any sunlight?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Not really... It snows a lot.

**felix** : other days it’s overcast

**felix** : you’ll be fine

**Iced Coco** : How splendid! I shall be visiting when I get the chance!

**Diva Queen** : Edie and I are ready for our date!

**_Diva Queen posted a link: ladies_night.img_ **

**Brigid Pride** : You are both looking beautiful. But it not yet night?

**Diva Queen** : Don’t worry about it, sweetie.

**Marianne <3**: That’s the pendant we gave you :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : It is! A lovely crimson flower :D

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Have a wonderful time El.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I mean... Edelgard.

**memelord** : u okay. hun?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Me? I’m fine.

**Dedue** : If something is bothering you, Your Highness, do not be afraid to say it.

**Ashe** : We’re here for you!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’m alright, really. Just a slip of the tongue.

**felix** : that you wrote out?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Anyway, Hubie and I are also ready for our date!

**_I am Ferdinand von Aegir posted a link: date_time.img_ **

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hubert looks thrilled

**Bernie** : Gah!!!!!

**Bernie** : Why do you look so scary?!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : It’s the new suit I bought him! :D

**Little King** : Hey, check out mine and Raphael’s new suits!

**_Little King posted a link: looking_hot.img_ **

****

**delicate flower** : omfg

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Are you wearing suits and sunglasses?

**felix** : wtf

**Sylvain Gautier** : Looking good, you two!

**Beefy Boi** : I amazed they found something that fits over my muscles :D

**Lorenz the Great** : But WHY are the two of you wearing suits?! With matching sunglasses?!

**Little King** : We’re bodyguards!

**Beefy Boi** : Making sure nothing happens to Count Gloucester during his visit!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : lmao

**Lorenz the Great** : I...

**Lorenz the Great** : Didn’t I tell you not to consult The Brotherhood of Chaos?!

**memelord** : well...

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You can’t tell Claude to not do something. It will make him want to do it.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I tell Claude not to bother me when I’m studying, and he ends up laying across my lap whilst I read.

**felix** : gross.

**Lorenz the Great** : Who else did you involve?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Hilda and I will be watching from the distance to make sure no danger befalls the Count.

**Lorenz the Great** : Isn’t that the point of the bodyguards?

**delicate flower** : urm...

**Diva Queen** : A posh looking carriage has just pulled up to the gates!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Have fun! 

**memelord** : everyone! into positions! muscle one and two, wait by the front gate. the charmer and casanova, loiter in the distance. the sleep, do what you want. the fugitive, you stay down in the abyss. the hunter, be ready to give a running commentary. the fish, prepare to give the best tour of your life!

**memelord** : wait, she's not here. 

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : The Fish? 

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:00pm]**

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : The Count is like a larger version of Lorenz.

**felix** : so lorenz is a mini count.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Basically.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Oh my God. Lorenz actually bows to his father.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Really?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It is a bit strange to be bowing to his own father.

**Brigid Pride** : The Count is giving me the fright.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : He does seem a bit disturbed by Caspar and Raphael in the suits and sunglasses. Hold on, I’ll see if I can get in closer.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Oh God, he is completely sucking up to the Prince.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : What’s he saying?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : “Your Highness, what an honour it is to be here in your presence! When you are King, I look forwards to working with you for a profitable future.”

**Dedue** : Has he forgotten that Claude is the heir to the Alliance?

**Ashe** : I think so! What is Claude doing?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Given that he has just snogged Dimitri in front of the Count, he’s making it obvious who the real ruler is.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : savage

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Flayn is here! She’s going to give him a tour?!

**Dedue** : That would make sense. She knows the monastery well.

**Linhardt** : Her codename is The Fish. 

**Linhardt** : May as well use it. 

**Marianne <3**: Does Seteth know?

**felix** : let’s hope he doesn’t find out

**Linhardt** : Is he meant to have a meeting with Rhea at some stage?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’m sure they’ll get to it soon.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : They’re moving! We’re going from the front entrance towards the dormitories. Probably so Lorenz’s dorms can be inspected.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Claude’s dorm is next to Lorenz’s.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : so?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : it’s not like he’s growing weed

**Sylvain Gautier** : He does have the other questionable substances...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : ah.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : let’s hope it’s not potent

**Marianne <3**: It should be okay.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : We’re now into the dorms. Raph and Caspar are taking their roles seriously.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : VERY seriously.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : To say nothing of Sylvain and Hilda being absolute stalkers.

**Diva Queen** : Is everything going well?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : As well as can be.

**Diva Queen** : Edie and I are in the cutest little café having a tea party :3

**_Diva Queen posted a link: party.img_ **

**Marianne <3**: How sweet :)

**Bernie** : so many cakes!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : share the cake!

**Ashe** : Is that Hubert and Ferdinand in the background?

**Diva Queen** : It’s not about them :3

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Hubert looks like he wants to die.

**Diva Queen** : He’ll live :) It’s nice for him to actually be outside for once.

**Bernie** : i... i want to come with you next time!!!!

**Bernie** : those cakes look so delicious!!!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : The next time we go out, we’ll bring you along Bernadatta :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : And you, Lysithea.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : thank

**Iced Coco** : Lysithea! Stop thinking about cake and focus!

**Iced Coco** : If a scary knight comes along right now, what would you do?!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i’ll show you what i’ll do!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Lysithea, careful!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 1:09pm]**

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Gods, just kill me already. This is so boring! What did I do to deserve such torture?

**felix** : why are you doing this in the first place?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : To provide commentary for everyone!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Claude said that he would pardon me if I accidentally killed the Count.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : And His Highness is there to make sure that Claude doesn’t do the same.

**Mercie** : Oh my! Let us hope it doesn’t come to that!

**felix** : i can make it look like an accident

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : PLEASE!

**Lorenz the Great** : It is alright, everyone! He has gone off to meet with Lady Rhea.

**memelord** : thank fuck

**Little King** : Nothing happened to him.

**Little King** : A job well done!

**Beefy Boi** : We always take our jobs seriously.

**delicate flower** : evidently.

**delicate flower** : sylvain and i were like spare parts.

**Sylvain Gautier** : I thought my father was bad. He’s nothing compared to Lorenz’s father.

**Sylvain Gautier** : So stuck up his own arse.

**Emperor Edelgard** : A successful visit then?

**Lorenz the Great** : All things considered, yes.

**Lorenz the Great** : From here, my father will dine with Lady Rhea and Seteth, and then head back out to stay at one of the towns at the edge of the monastery before heading back to the Alliance.

**Brigid Pride** : Shall I be dabbing in celebration?

**Lorenz the Great** : I guess...?

**Diva Queen** : Claude, I will forever resent you teaching Petra to dab.

**memelord** : >:3

**Dad Friend** : Did your dad mention me?

**Lorenz the Great** : He didn’t mention you or Holst.

**Dad Friend** : Sweet!

**memelord** : so a deal is a deal?

**Lorenz the Great** : Yes...

**Lorenz the Great** : A deal is a deal.

**Diva Queen** : What deal?

**Dedue** : Making a deal with Claude is dangerous.

**Ashe** : What have you done?!

**Lorenz the Great** : I know! It was the only thing I could think of to ensure the visit went well.

**Lorenz the Great** : As promised, you may change my name until Tuesday.

**_memelord changed Lorenz the Great’s name to Lozzie_ **

**Lozzie** : LOZZIE?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disaster has been averted!
> 
> But now Lorenz is stuck with a stupid nickname for a while.
> 
> (I do like Lorenz, I swear!)


	30. Green Haired People (slowly) Lose Their Sanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Professor Byleth** : However! Just because the Count is now leaving does not mean that you can start causing chaos.
> 
>  **Professor Byleth** : Please, I am starting to get grey hairs.
> 
>  **Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : With just one donation, you too can save a professor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Seteth. Just after I married him during my Silver Snow route. 
> 
> And Byleth just wants an afternoon where they have tea with their Gatekeeper (with Yuri lurking in the background).
> 
> As always, have some [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqb65hsWYdo), courtesy of one of my favourite bands ever.

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 1:30pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, students. Count Gloucester is now dining with Lady Rhea and Seteth. You can all go back to your tasks, if you have been assigned any.

**Professor Byleth** : And I want them done properly.

**Professor Byleth** : No outsourcing.

**Professor Byleth** : And happy birthday, Your Highness.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Huh? But my birthday isn’t until the Ethereal Moon.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Oh, you mean the other member of royalty.

**memelord** : yeah, me.

**Professor Byleth** : Edelgard, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to wish you a happy birthday earlier. Things have been a bit hectic due to the Count’s visit. At least Holst did us all a favour by arriving a day earlier.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Do not worry, Professor. Dorothea has taken me out for a lovely afternoon tea. Hubert and Ferdinand are loitering around in the same café. It’s a bit unnerving.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I am just here to ensure that Hubert does not vaporise anyone.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you, Ferdinand.

**Diva Queen** : We appreciate your sacrifice.

**Emperor Edelgard** : We should be heading back soon, anyway.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : bring cake

**Brigid Pride** : I would also be liking the cake, if you are offering.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’ll see what I can do :)

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 1:54pm]**

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Are you alright, Your Highness? You look unwell.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Do I? I feel alright.

**Ashe** : What’s happening? :o

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : His Highness is looking a little pale today.

**felix** : you mean he doesn’t already look like a corpse?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Paler than usual, anyway. And he looks incredibly tired.

**Mercie** : Oh my! You shouldn't strain yourself if you feel sick, Your Highness.

**Dedue** : Perhaps a visit to Professor Manuela might do you some good.

**Annie** : Or a nap!

**felix** : go take a nap, boar.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Yeah, you’re not looking so hot.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’m fine! Really, I’m okay. I just didn’t sleep much last night and I’m tired.

**Annie** : All the more reason to take a nap! :3

**Dedue** : Please do.

**Ashe** : Yes, go have a nap. We don’t mind :D

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : If it will stop you from worrying about me, I’ll go take a nap.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Thank you, Your Highness. Preferably in your own bed. I know you like sleeping in Claude’s bed, but you really should use your own once in a while.

**Mercie** : I will check on you in a little while :3

**Sylvain Gautier** : Should we make sure he actually gets some sleep?

**felix** : if i see him leave his room, i’ll kill him

**felix** : sorted

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 2:00pm]**

**Bernie** : EEKKKKK!!! THERE’S THE COUNT!!!

**Brigid Pride** : He is leaving the monastery so soon?

**Little King** : Probably wants to find somewhere to sleep before it gets too dark. A noble like him is an easy target for bandits!

**Linhardt** : As though someone would want to try and steal from the second most powerful member of the Alliance.

**Little King** : Third most powerful.

**Linhardt** : Forgot about the Gonerils.

**Little King** : Don’t let Hilda hear you say that!

**Brigid Pride** : This Alliance is confusing business. Do they really bow to no king or emperor?

**Linhardt** : That’s right. They like to be awkward about it.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It all about the bribery and backstabbing to get what they want.

**Hubert von Vestra** : You have to be sneaky and ruthless in order to survive.

**Bernie** : GAHHHH!!!

**Bernie** : I AM NEVER GOING THERE I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : That’s enough, Hubert. We still need Claude on our side as a future ally.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Besides, you are hardly one to talk :)

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Indeed! Are you not the one who lurks in the shadows at all times?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am merely doing so to ensure Lady Edelgard’s safety.

**Diva Queen** : Edie and I are back at the monastery now. Come and get the cake before the others get to it first.

**Diva Queen** : Never mind. Lysithea is here.

**Diva Queen** : She is like a bloodhound, that girl.

**Diva Queen** : Can smell cake from a mile away.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Still, thank you Dorothea for that wonderful treat :) It’s nice to get away from everything once in a while.

**Diva Queen** : No problem, Edie! <3

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I enjoyed my time out with Hubert, even if he did spend the entire time glaring at anyone who got too close.

**Hubert von Vestra** : That café did have the best coffee I have tasted in a long time. I may be visiting there again some time.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Ferdinand, I’m sure even you would enjoy their coffee. There’s an extra sweet one that shouldn’t give you headaches.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I would be delighted, Hubie.

**Diva Queen** : Get a room.

**Brigid Pride** : Oh, they can be using my room if they are needing the space :)

**Little King** : Not in that way, Petra.

**Brigid Pride** : ??

**Brigid Pride** : Ah, I am seeing now.

**Brigid Pride** : They are needing the room for the intimate moments.

**Diva Queen** : ANYWAY, Bernie? Do you want some cake?

**Bernie** : Yes please!!!

**Diva Queen** : Come out of your room and you can have some.

**Bernie** : you’re mean :<

**Bernie** : fine

**Linhardt** : I can’t say no to a good, classic piece of cake :)

**Little King** : Let’s all meet back up in the Black Eagle classroom!

*

**[house of memes – 2:02pm]**

**memelord** : golden deer, assemble!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Here!

**Marianne <3**: Oh, I’m here.

**delicate flower** : right here, bby

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’m here!

**Beefy Boi** : Here!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : here

**Lozzie** : ...

**Lozzie** : here

**delicate flower** : and here we see the great lorenz hellman gloucester, his soul crushed beyond repair

**Marianne <3**: Are you okay, Claude? Do you need us for something?

**Beefy Boi** : What’s up?

**memelord** : nothing

**memelord** : apart from i need to know how to ask dima out on a date

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you’re dating him

**memelord** : yeah, but he’s the prince

**memelord** : i can’t just ask him out

**memelord** : it needs to be special

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : So you want our help?

**Beefy Boi** : Why not get the Brotherhood of Chaos involved?

**memelord** : cause he’s a member

**Beefy Boi** : oh yeah...

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Dorothea took Lady Edelgard to a café, didn’t she? That seemed to go down a treat.

**memelord** : i cant do that, it’ll look like im copying

**delicate flower** : and here we see that gay panic

**memelord** : hilda, help me!

**delicate flower** : you’re on your own, lover boy

**memelord** : i helped you get marianne

**delicate flower** : you’ve already got dimitri.

**delicate flower** : just ask him out for gods sake

**memelord** : i dont even have a date planned!

**memelord** : i want to take him somewhere like a restaurant

**memelord** : but he can’t taste anything

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Surely your company would be enough?

**Beefy Boi** : If he really wants to be with you, he’ll enjoy himself regardless! :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Go ask him now, Claude :)

**memelord** : alright, i will! wish me luck!

*

**[house of memes – 2:05pm]**

**memelord** : dima’s asleep. i got chased away by felix holding a massive fuck off sword

**memelord** : apparently he’s not been looking very well

**Beefy Boi** : Oh dear. Hope it’s nothing too serious.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : he probably just needs sleep

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : He’ll be right as rain in the morning, you’ll see!

**Marianne <3**: Perhaps I can go check on him soon.

**Marianne <3**: Make sure he doesn’t have a fever or something.

**Lozzie** : He could be tired. You told me that he does sometimes have trouble sleeping.

**memelord** : yeah

**memelord** : im sure he’ll be fine

**delicate flower** : do you need a hug?

**memelord** : YES!

**Lozzie** : His Highness will be okay, Claude.

**Lozzie** : Now, excuse me whilst I go see to my father.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:31pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Students, Count Gloucester has now left the premises. Lady Rhea thanks you all for behaving yourself during this time. He has left a glowing review on the school and everyone within its walls.

**memelord** : even about me?

**Professor Byleth** : He stated that it was very bold of you to make out with the Prince of Faerghus, and he approves of that boldness.

**memelord** : nice!

**Lozzie** : That is the first time my father has said anything remotely positive about Claude! 

**Professor Byleth** : However! Just because the Count is now leaving does not mean that you can start causing chaos.

**Professor Byleth** : Please, I am starting to get grey hairs.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : With just one donation, you too can save a professor.

**Brigid Pride** : We are giving out donations? I am sorry that I do not have that much to give.

**Professor Byleth** : Don’t worry about it, Petra. All I ask is that you keep the chaos to a minimum. It is exhausting having to constantly explain to Lady Rhea why numerous explosions keep occurring.

**Professor Byleth** : On another completely unrelated side note: tomorrow morning there will a mock test where you will be tested on everything that has been covered in lessons so far.

**Sylvain Gautier** : WAIT

**Sylvain Gautier** : WHAT?!?!

**delicate flower** : EVERYTHING?!

**Bernie** : BUT WE’VE LEARNT SO MUCH

**Professor Byleth** : Better get revising then if you don’t want to fail! :D

**Lozzie** : Professor, some of us are still doing our tasks. How will we have time to revise? 

**Professor Byleth** : You should be keeping on top of the material, anyway. 

**Lozzie** : You are a harsh person, Professor. 

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 2:35pm]**

**Seteth** : That was cruel, Professor.

**Seteth** : But efficient. Hopefully we can have the afternoon to get some work done.

**Seteth** : I have been meaning to talk to the students about what they hope to achieve after they leave the academy. Perhaps I can take some time to talk to them privately.

**Professor Byleth** : It might be easier to join their house chats and talk to them that way. I’ll add you into them.

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 2:41pm]**

**_Professor Byleth has added Seteth to the chat_ **

**Seteth** ; Hello, students. I was hoping I could talk to you all about your futures and what you hope to do once you have finished up here.

**Seteth** : I do not mean what is to come in the far future. Many of you are heirs to your respective territories, and His Highness is heir to the throne. I mean what do you want to do immediately after you have graduated from the Officers Academy.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I want to continue my training as a knight. I’ll join the Kingdom army and work my way through the ranks.

**Annie** : I’m not sure! I would quite like to become a professor of magic. Maybe at the sorcery school in Fhirdiad. What qualifications do I need for that?

**Seteth** : We can work towards getting you properly qualified to teach.

**Annie** : Yay! :3

**Mercie** : I don’t know, either. I think I'll become a cleric and help those in need :)

**Sylvain Gautier** : I’m already going to become Margrave at some stage, so I guess I’ll focus on preparing myself.

**felix** : my old man’s still alive. i’ll do some mercenary work to further improve my skills with the blade.

**Sylvain Gautier** : You’ll be working with me :D

**felix** : i suppose

**Ashe** : Dedue and I would love to open up a restaurant together that specialises in the cuisine of Duscur :D

**Dedue** : There is little food of Duscur around. It’ll be a treat for everyone.

**Mercie** : That’s really sweet :3

**Annie** : THAT SOUNDS AMAZING!

**Dedue** : I will still be a vassal to His Highness. However I will be assisting as and when I am able to. 

**Seteth** : That just leaves His Highness.

**Seteth** : Have you see him today?

**felix** : he’s sick

**Mercie** : The poor dear has broken out into a fever. We told him to go take a nap about an hour ago and now he’s coming down with something.

**Annie** : What shall we do?!

**Seteth** : I shall inform Professor Manuela. All of you get back to revising for the test tomorrow.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Wait, how do you know we have a test tomorrow?

**Seteth** : I see all.

**Seteth** : I know all.

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 2:46pm]**

**_Professor Byleth added Seteth to the chat_ **

**Seteth** : Hello, students. I want to take some time out just to ask you all what your plans are for the immediate future, as soon as you leave the Academy.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I will be taking over from my father as soon I am able to. Though I suppose touring the Empire and visiting the major cities and towns would also be beneficial.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I will go wherever Lady Edelgard goes.

**Diva Queen** : Come on, Hubie. Surely you must want to do something of your own free will.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I have an idea! Hubert, you and I shall go away somewhere, just the two of us :D

**Hubert von Vestra** : No.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : We should go to somewhere warm! You could use with getting some sun :D

**Diva Queen** : Hubie, getting some sun? Good luck, Ferdie.

**Diva Queen** : I don’t think I’ve ever seen Hubie willingly venture outside.

**Bernie** : Same here! I don’t want to leave my room!

**Bernie** : When I take over, I am never leaving the house! Ever!

**Brigid Pride** : I will be returning to Brigid. I would be liking to see my family again :)

**Little King** : Linhardt and I are going to roam the world!

**Linhardt** : Life is too boring to be spending it watching over a territory all day.

**Hubert von Vestra** : This is why you are not the heir.

**Little King** : I’m never going to rule anyway! My brother is.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Not necessarily. I aim to appoint those who have proven their worth. Not just because of the order they were born in.

**Linhardt** : Still sounds incredibly taxing. 

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Linhardt, stop running from your responsibilities!

**Linhardt** : Why bother when there is so much research that needs to be done? It's not like my house is that important.

**Linhardt** : In fact, I intend to abandon my noble title.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : HHUWERQWIJOIOIQWEKOQWOL??!??!?!

**Diva Queen** : Seteth, I suggest you flee before this gets too heated.

**Diva Queen** : Once they start discussing politics, all Hell breaks loose.

**Seteth** : I see...

**Seteth** : I will keep coming back to check in on your progress. So just...

**Seteth** : Do you.

**Diva Queen** : I can’t believe it.

**Little King** : We somehow managed to break Seteth.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Poor man.

*

**[Officers Academy Group Chat (and Flayn) – 2:50pm]**

**Seteth** : The Black Eagles need a class therapy session.

*

**[house of memes – 2:51pm]**

_**Professor Byleth added Seteth to the chat** _

**Seteth** : Alright, children. What do you want to do with your lives?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Are you okay, Seteth? You seem a little drained today?

**Seteth** : I am fine, Leonie. Do not worry about me.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Okay... Anyway, you already know I’m going to become a mercenary like Captain Jeralt. It’s all I’ve wanted to do in life.

**delicate flower** : holst is going to around for a while, so i am going to open up a school for those of a creative spirit!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : That sounds like a great idea! Perhaps I could join as an art teacher?

**delicate flower** : OMG YES

**Marianne <3**: I could help you fund it. My father isn’t the wealthiest man, but my allowance should be enough to help get the school up and running.

**delicate flower** : MARIANNE YOU ABSOLUTE BABE!

**Lozzie** : I would also like to be contributing some money to this school. Should we can open up more than one? The Alliance is the home to more... Unique people. We can use that our advantage. 

**Beefy Boi** : I’m going to be a knight! But my little sister Maya would love to go to that school! She’s always been so creative :D

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i want to disappear

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : No, Lysithea! Don’t be like that! I’m sure there must be something you can do.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Maybe you can also join the art academy?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : maybe, if i have the time. my parents come first.

**Beefy Boi** : Naturally! Family is important!

**Seteth** : It is nice to see you all bonding together like this. It gives me hope for the future.

**Seteth** : On a side note, where is Claude?

**delicate flower** : dunno

**memelord** : HOLY SHIT DIMA IS BURNING UP WTF DO I DO?!?!?!?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Found him.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:08pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : His Highness has come down with a cold. There is nothing to be worried about.

**Professor Byleth** : Claude, Dimitri needs to breathe. No need to latch onto him so tightly.

**Professor Byleth** : He’s not going to die.

**Professor Byleth** : But he will if you don’t let go.

**Brigid Pride** : If Claude is accidentally killing the Prince, is it counting as the treason?

**Brigid Pride** : Or is it something else?

**Brigid Pride** : Ah! The slaughter man!

**Diva Queen** : I think you mean manslaughter, sweetie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give Seteth a raise 2K20. 
> 
> Bringing it back!
> 
> (Sorry about the lack of Ashen Wolves D:)
> 
> And I have had some teachers who legit just drop a test during the lesson and expect us to score full marks. Not my fault my mind is like a sieve :<
> 
> (How I managed to graduate from university is a miracle.)


	31. Himbo Energy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[Ashen Wolves Group Chat – 6:35pm]**
> 
> **Dad Friend** : They actually have a test tomorrow.
> 
>  **Dad Friend** : Poor bastards.
> 
>  **Dad Friend** : I feel sorry for them.
> 
>  **Sad** : no you don’t.
> 
>  **Dad Friend** : Yeah, I don’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Another chapter :D
> 
> Survived another load of shifts at work, so here's another chapter fresh off the production line! 
> 
> Have some [ musics](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNUrRFWXZ4E), thanks to Super Smash Bros.
> 
> I have a few surprises at the end of the chapter :D

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:10pm]**

**delicate flower** : UGH!

**delicate flower** : can you BELIEVE the professor actually gave us a surprise mock test?!

**delicate flower** : i have to actually work!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : It’ll you some good, Hilda.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You too, Sylvain.

**Sylvain Gautier** : I work!

**Sylvain Gautier** : When I want to.

**Marianne <3**: What could be on the test? I hope it’s something I know.

**Annie** : At least they let us know in advance so we can revise our notes :3

**Little King** : I’m still worried they’ll ask me something on magic. I’m not that great at wrapping my head around it D:

**Linhardt** : I’ll help you out with my notes.

**Linhardt** : If you can read my handwriting, that is.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Same here. My handwriting is atrocious. I do have some extra hints I picked up from training with Captain Jeralt, though!

**Mercie** : I have an idea!

**Mercie** : Why don’t we set up a revision group? We can all compare notes and help each other :)

**Annie** : That’s a great idea, Mercie! :D

**Ashe** : I agree! There’s still some parts I don’t quite understand.

**Ashe** : Like the questions relating to siege warfare.

**Dedue** : I will assist wherever I am able to.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, we should all meet up in a classroom with our notes and have a study session. We will have to take regular breaks to ensure we do not strain ourselves too much.

**Hubert von Vestra** : A break of two minutes every two hours should be sufficient.

**Bernie** : wHat???? that’s not enough!!!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Fine.

**Hubert von Vestra** : One minute every three hours.

**Bernie** : WHATAAAAAAATTT

**Emperor Edelgard** : Stop teasing her, Hubert.

**Emperor Edelgard** : A fifteen-minute break every hour should be enough to refresh our minds and get some fresh air. Should we meet up in a classroom somewhere at half three?

**Ashe** : Sounds good to me!

**Sylvain Gautier** : What about the Blue Lions classroom?

**delicate flower** : nah, golden deer is definitely the place to be. it’s where we can be vibing as we work

**Linhardt** : I still say we go to the Black Eagle room.

**Diva Queen** : Gods, you are all so lazy!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Try sparring with Hilda. All she does is complain.

**delicate flower** : do not!

**Marianne <3**: You’re doing it now...

**Brigid Pride** : It is being a lovely day today! Why do we not just use the grass outside?

**Lozzie** : Fresh air will help to stimulate our minds and make us more productive.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : cheers, lozzie

**Brigid Pride** : So we are in agreeance?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, I believe we are. The grass outside the classrooms seems like a wonderful idea.

**Annie** : Yay! I’ll go fetch my notes :3

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : My notes are all in pristine form. Should you need to learn from them, feel free to do so.

**Diva Queen** : Yes, your use of the pink highlight is something to behold.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : It stands out against the black ink!

**Hubert von Vestra** : So does yellow.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : The yellow is too garish against the paper.

**Diva Queen** : Ever the fashionista, Ferdie.

**Marianne <3**: I have some things on white magic techniques if anybody needs them

**Marianne <3**: um... If you need to, that is. I don’t want to force you to read them.

**Annie** : Don’t be silly! I could use the help :D

**Beefy Boi** : I really need the help. I’m not too smart, I’m afraid D:

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : We can all pitch in and help each other out. There must be something you’re good at, Raphael?

**Beefy Boi** : Other than training up my muscles, not that much.

**delicate flower** : wait...

**delicate flower** : where’s claude?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : With His Highness, I would assume.

**felix** : i doubt he’ll bother to revise

**felix** : if he does i’ll be amazed

**Sylvain Gautier** : We’ll stop by later on to check in on them

**Emperor Edelgard** : At least to ensure that he is actually studying. Alright, everyone. Let’s meet outside the classrooms :)

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:09pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : This is lovely, students. You all grouping together to help each other revise :)

**Professor Byleth** : Minus His Highness and Claude.

**Professor Byleth** : At this rate you might actually pass this exam that is worth twenty percent of your overall grade :D

**delicate flower** : WHAT?!?!?!

**Professor Byleth** : Happy studying!

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 5:10pm]**

**Seteth** : Professor, you should really stop teasing them so.

**Seteth** : Even if it does seem to be working.

**Seteth** : As I am technically your supervisor, I ask that you tone it down a bit.

**Seteth** ; Just until I get these papers done.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 6:34pm]**

**Dad Friend** : Jeez, this place is dead as shit. Where are you guys?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Revising for an exam that the Professor has sprung upon us with little warning.

**Dad Friend** : Tell Hilda that Holst is staying over in Abyss tonight.

**delicate flower** : WHAT?!!?!?!?

*

**[Ashen Wolves Group Chat – 6:35pm]**

**Dad Friend** : They actually have a test tomorrow.

**Dad Friend** : Poor bastards.

**Dad Friend** : I feel sorry for them.

**Sad** : no you don’t.

**Dad Friend** : Yeah, I don’t.

**Iced Coco** : A mock test? The poor dears. I would go out and offer my assistance, but the sun is still up.

**Iced Coco** : I would be useless to them. 

**Sad** : same

**Sad** : i never even went to school properly. my village had one tiny school for all the children, so i used to bunk off whenever i could

**Iced Coco** : How terrible! We must get you a proper education!

**Dad Friend** : I could go out and offer my help. I did graduate from the Academy, after all.

**Dad Friend** : Maybe Holst would also be willing to lend a hand.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : So you and Holst can both make sure that Hilda gets top marks without her having to do anything.

**Dad Friend** : I have no idea what you are talking about.

**Sad** : sure you don’t

**Iced Coco** : You and Holst would likely just distract everyone. It would be in everyone’s best interest if you stayed down here.

**Sad** : are you two, like, together now or what?

**Dad Friend** : I think so??

**Iced Coco** : How can you not know?!

**_Eyeliner on Fleek changed Dad Friend’s name to Himbo Energy_ **

**Himbo Energy** : :<

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : How to make a grown man pout like a child.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 6:42pm]**

**Himbo Energy** : How’s your revision going?

**Lozzie** : Ah! I see you have also been cursed with a house leader who loves to give you ridiculous names.

**Himbo Energy** : You too, huh?

**_memelord posted a link_ _: nickname_solidarity.img_**

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : wtf how did you work so fast?

**memelord** : i am the memelord

**memelord** : making memes at the speed of light

**Brigid Pride** : You are truly being the lord of the memes.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Hah! That is pretty funny.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Even if I have no idea what the hell it means.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Claude! How is Dimitri doing?

**memelord** : coughing up his lungs

**Brigid Pride** : Oh no! That is not good!

**Brigid Pride** : He is needing his lungs to survive! Is surgery needed to place them back???

**Lozzie** : It is a phrase, Petra. It means His Highness has fallen ill.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I have woken up from my nap and being looked after by Claude. Don’t worry about me :)

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Claude, are you revising for the exam tomorrow?

**memelord** : nope

**memelord** : i’ll breeze through it no problem

**_Brigid Pride posted a link: exam_or_boyfriend.img_**

**Brigid Pride** : Am I doing to the meme right?

**memelord** : OMG PETRA YES YOU ABSOLUTE MADMAN

**Diva Queen** : Gods, there’s two of them.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : We will never be free.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Nope.

**memelord** : petra, i would like to offer you a place within the brotherhood of chaos.

**Brigid Pride** : I would be liking that very much! :D

**Bernie** : Yay! Petra can join Bernie :D

**Hubert von Vestra** : Another Black Eagle joins the brotherhood. How many is that now?

**Bernie** : Five of us! Along with the two Blue Lions and the three Golden Deer.

**Bernie** : And Balthus.

**Himbo Energy** : Sup.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : It is unusual that a meme group has more Black Eagles than Blue Lions and Golden Deer.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Because Claude keeps adding us.

**Ashe** : Isn’t His Highness part of that group?

**Dedue** : It would appear so.

**Dedue** : As well as Sylvain.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Hey, it’s a good group.

**delicate flower** : we get to vibe and stuff

**Linhardt** : I got dragged in to do something about a werewolf

**Linhardt** : That’s about it.

**Little King** : I’ve always been a part! Me and Raphael are Muscle Bros!

**Beefy** : Muscle Bros! :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : I think we should take a break from revising now. My brain can’t handle any more information at the moment. Well done everyone! We managed to cover all we have done so far.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am confident that we will all do really well tomorrow :)

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I will try and recover in time. Right now it feels like my head is pounding.

**Mercie** : You should stay in bed, Your Highness. It is a mock test, after all.

**Annie** : Yeah! It’s not like it means anything.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Even so, we should focus on getting the best possible results. It will highlight where we need to spend more time focusing on.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Ever the diligent student, Lady Edelgard.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Heh, if I am to become the next ruler of Adrestia, I need to excel in my education.

**delicate flower** : hint hint claude

**memelord** : you’re one to talk, miss “yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!1”

**delicate flower** : hey! im a delicate flower!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : a delicate flower who is fucking ripped

**Little King** : I think we can all agree that Linhardt is the laziest of us all.

**Linhardt** : I’m not even going to argue with that

**Linhardt** : Because it’s true.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : When is the test? Did the Professor ever tell us exactly when it was taking place?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : They did not.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I’ll ask them.

**Professor Byleth** : The test will be tomorrow.

**Professor Byleth** : That is all you need to know :)

**Lozzie** : You are enjoying this torture, aren’t you?

**Professor Byleth** : This has been the best evening ever :D

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 7:08pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : When do you think they’ll realise that there isn’t a mock test tomorrow?

**Seteth** : ...

**Seteth** : Well, it wouldn’t do them much harm to go over the material and keep it fresh in their minds.

**Seteth** : And it has been nice to actually get some work done without some emergency taking place.

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 7:31pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : It is strange that the Professor has given us a test so soon. There has only been two months’ worth of material to memorise, after all. 

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Sorry I won’t be able to sit the test. I’m feeling awful this evening.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’m trying to tell Claude not to get too close so he doesn’t also get sick.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : It’s not working.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I see that Claude is also suffering the Himbo Energy.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I guess?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Hold on, I’m just taking something to take the edge off my headache.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Should you even be looking at the screen if you’re feeling crap?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Your Highness?

**Emperor Edelgard** : It looks like it’s just the two of us.

**Emperor Edelgard** : So...

**Emperor Edelgard** : Himbo Energy?

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:45pm]**

**Ashe** : Everyone! Dedue and I have an announcement to make!

**Dedue** : I think Ashe should be the one to deliver the news.

**Ashe** : Dedue and I are together :D He confessed not long ago, and I felt we all needed a pick me up! :D

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Congrats, you two!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Well done on breaking the chain of disaster gays.

**felix** : that’s fair

**Sylvain Gautier** : Nice one!

**Annie** : YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

**Mercie** : Well done :D I am so happy for you both.

**Little King** : NICE!

**Linhardt** : You have my congratulations.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I was beginning to suspect that something was going on between you two, given how close you were during our revision session. Ashe was practically sitting on Dedue's lap. Congrats!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : well done

**delicate flower** : another couple joins the fray!

**Marianne <3**: I’m so happy for you :)

**Beefy Boi** : Good job, you two! :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Congratulations! :D

**Ashe** : Thank you, everyone! :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : Congratulations. I hope you are both happy together.

**Diva Queen** : Hey, Blue Lions? You must protect these two. We are stuck with Ferdie and Hubie.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : We have Felix and Sylvain.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : And by extension, His Highness and Claude.

**memelord** : I don’t feel so good...

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I told you not to get too close to me!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Case in point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Another ship to add to the shipping port. 
> 
> Balthus/Holst will be added as soon as they get their shit sorted out.
> 
> And because I could not get the link things to work, here are the memes for both Claude and Petra: 
> 
> Claude: https://imgur.com/a/fX9Yv7V
> 
> Petra: https://imgur.com/a/97NvvIK


	32. A Master of the Himbo Energy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Sad** : are you going to confess anytime soon?
> 
> **Himbo Energy** : I’m working on it!
> 
> **Eyeliner on Fleek** : Whatever you say.
> 
> **Sad** : it doesn’t take much
> 
> **Sad** : just say “i’ve got feelings for you”
> 
> **Sad** : done
> 
> **Iced Coco** : You are utterly hopeless, Balthus.
> 
> **Eyeliner on Fleek** : Truly a master of the himbo energy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Nothing funny to say today. 
> 
> Just have some [music.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4nKVbENSKQ)

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:29pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Hello, students! If you want to take a break from revising and join us for evening prayers, feel free :)

**Professor Byleth** : Oh, and congratulations to Dedue and Ashe!

**Ashe** : Thank you, Professor :D

**Dedue** : You have my thanks.

**Brigid Pride** : Professor, I am having a question? If you only teaching the one class, how are the rest of us sitting the test?

**Professor Byleth** : I have been speaking to Professor Manuela and Professor Hanneman, and we have all agreed to test our individual classes on the same material.

**memelord** : teach, i feel like crap

**Professor Byleth** : Take some painkillers, go to sleep, and see how you feel in the morning.

**Professor Byleth** : If you are still sick tomorrow, go to Professor Manuela and see what she can do.

**memelord** : cheers, teach

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Claude, you didn’t deliberately get sick so that you could avoid doing the test, did you?

**memelord** : harsh words, ingrid. as if i would stoop so low!

**Annie** : Felix! I thought you were supposed to watching His Highness to make sure he got some sleep!

**felix** : i was

**felix** : then the professor decided to give us a test

**felix** : not my fault claude snuck in

**Mercie** : I’m sure it is just a cold and that they’ll both recover quickly :3

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : If both of our house leaders are sick, who will run the Blue Lions and Golden Deer?

**Lozzie** : Naturally, I would be the perfect candidate for the leader. For I am none other than Lorenz Hellman Gloucester!

**memelord** : congrats lysithea, you’re the new gd leader

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : sweet

**Lozzie** : HEUIEOWKOW?????

**memelord** : but i suppose leading all your disasters would be too much. lozzie, be a dear and step in to help the small child out

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Oof. Having a cold is really bringing Claude’s harsh side out.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Just let Lorenz do it. If not, we’ll never hear the end of it.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I don’t mind stepping up to help out. It’s about time I returned to the surface anyway.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : As an actual house leader, I know what to do.

**Ashe** : What about the Blue Lions?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I’ll take over. Any objections?

**Sylvain Gautier** : None from me.

**felix** : indeed. i wouldn’t trust sylvain or myself in that position.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Aren’t you heirs to your respective territories?

**felix** : yes.

**felix** : but my old man is still going strong. i’m not taking over yet.

**Annie** : No complaints from me, Ingrid! :D

**Mercie** : You are the best person for the job :)

**Dedue** : Correct.

**Ashe** : This is just until His Highness gets better, right?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Yes. Just until His Highness recovers.

**Emperor Edelgard** : It’s a shame that both of them got sick at the same time. I suppose it can’t be helped. They are always hanging around each other.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Rest assured that I am perfectly alright.

**Emperor Edelgard** : But in the event that something does happen to me, I want Dorothea and Hubert to be co-leaders.

**Bernie** : Dorothea’s nice! Can’t she be just the leader full stop?!

**Little King** : I dunno. Hubert’s got that look that can kill a man.

**Little King** : I wouldn’t want to argue with him!

**Linhardt** : Yet he lacks the human side that makes him approachable.

**Diva Queen** : I aim to be as helpful as I can!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Nothing is going to happen to Lady Edelgard.

**Little King** : Wasn’t there that time that Claude poisoned her?

**Beefy Boi** : Oh yeah! It was during the games night we had a while back. Something about a poisonous substance?

**felix** : the same stuff that knocked the boar out.

**delicate flower** : it was an accident, right?

**delicate flower** : and he did pay for it

**Marianne <3**: Um... Didn’t he let the horses eat the grass that caused chaos for everyone?

**memelord** : alright, look.

**Emperor Edelgard** : It’s happened, so let’s all move on from it :) I think we are all sufficiently prepared for the mock test tomorrow, so let’s all go get some rest.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Good luck, everyone! I’ll try and recover in time for the test.

**memelord** : diimmmmaaaaaa... you’re too poorly to leave.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : the madman is going to try and leave his room

**Ashe** : Your Highness, don’t worry!

**Dedue** : Stay in bed and get some rest.

**delicate flower** : right, i’m off to bed.

**delicate flower** : night!

**Marianne <3**: Good night!

**Bernie** : ahhhhhhhhh i don’t want to do this test tomorrrrrow!

**Bernie** : can’t i just stay in my room????

**Emperor Edelgard** : It can’t be that bad, Bernadetta. It’s just a mock test, despite what the professor says.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : There’s no way they would leave such an important test a secret, right?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Right?!

**Little King** : Right!

**Linhardt** : Can you all be quiet? I want to get some sleep.

**Brigid Pride** : I am also getting the sleep now. I hope you are all having a pleasant dream!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Sweet dreams, everyone!

**Marianne <3**: Goodnight...

*

**[Ashen Wolves Group Chat – 9:45pm]**

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Ah, the sweet sound of silence. And before the curfew, as well.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : They must really be worried about this test.

**Sad** : at least they’re being quiet.

**Iced Coco** : Mostly quiet. I can still hear Balthus and Holst talking! Doesn’t Holst have somewhere he needs to be?!

**Iced Coco** : Like in his territory?!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Let the man hang out with his himbo bf, Connie. From what Hilda’s told me, the Almyran’s are really itching to get their hands on the Locket.

**Iced Coco** : All the more reason for him to be over there!

**Himbo Energy** : Holst is travelling out tomorrow.

**Himbo Energy** : Chill.

**Sad** : are you going to confess anytime soon?

**Himbo Energy** : I’m working on it!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Whatever you say.

**Sad** : it doesn’t take much

**Sad** : just say “i’ve got feelings for you”

**Sad** : done

**Iced Coco** : You are utterly hopeless, Balthus.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Truly a master of the himbo energy

**Himbo Energy** : It’s hard, okay!

**Himbo Energy** : I already kinda confessed when Claude forced it out of me. What more do you want from me?

**Iced Coco** : An actual confession!

**Himbo Energy** : ...

**Himbo Energy** : Fine. I like Holst.

**Himbo Energy** : There.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : What that so hard?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I’ve never known a grown man be so clueless with love.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 10:02pm]**

**delicate flower** : HOLY SHIT HOLST AND BALTHUS HAVE FINALLY CONFESSED!!!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : go to sleep!!

*

**[Ashen Wolves Group Chat – 11:56pm]**

**Himbo Energy** : Holst has asked if I want to accompany him back to the Alliance!

**Sad** : go for it

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Do what you want to do, Balthus.

**Iced Coco** : Follow your heart, Batlhus! If you want to be with Holst, then be free!

**Himbo Energy** : I dunno.

**Himbo Energy** : I’m still in massive debt with Count Gloucester. I’d rather pay off those debts first before I do anything else. Don’t want to put a large amount of pressure on Holst.

**Himbo Energy** : Hmm...

*

**_[private message from Himbo Energy to Lozzie – 11:57pm]_ **

**Himbo Energy** : Lorenz, my dude, my guy.

**Lozzie** : I will talk to my father about removing your debts so you can be free to gallivant around with your new boyfriend. Though you really should have done this BEFORE he left Garreg Mach!

**Himbo Energy** : Cheers, pal!

**Lozzie** : Now please let me sleep.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:31am]**

**Professor Byleth** : Good morning! Remember, the test could be at any time today. So be ready!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am prepared, Professor. I will prevail!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Gods, my head hurts.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : And Claude feels the same way

**memelord** : it’s like someone has taken a sledgehammer to the side of my head

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Ouch!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Maybe you should both get some sleep

**Professor Byleth** : I’ll send Professor Manuela over before classes.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : slacker

**Professor Byleth** : I will make sure that both His Highness and Claude take the test at some stage.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Of course, Professor. It is only fair.

**Professor Byleth** : Everyone else, get some breakfast down you!

**felix** : i’m not hungry

**Annie** : Felix! You need to eat something!

**Mercie** : You need the energy to focus :(

**Dedue** : Perhaps I could ask the kitchen staff if Ashe and I could prepare the food.

**Ashe** : Even if it’s just toast, you should still try to eat :D

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Maybe you can try and persuade Hubie to have something other than coffee.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : His blood is 75% coffee right now.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I can make it up to 100%.

**Hubert von Vestra** : And you are the one who seems to drink tea as though it’s water.

**Lozzie** : You cannot beat a nice cup of tea.

**Lozzie** : It is the noblest of drinks, after all.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Thank you! I knew you would understand.

**Diva Queen** : It’s always so nice to see the nobles stroking each other’s ego.

**Brigid Pride** : Is it? But I thought you were hating the nobles?

**Diva Queen** : It’s sarcasm, sweetie.

**Brigid Pride** : Sarcasm?

**Diva Queen** : I’ll explain later.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Let’s all at least try to eat something this morning :) It will help us all to focus on the upcoming test.

**Marianne <3**: I'm not really hungry, either. 

**Marianne <3**: I'll just have toast, if that is okay? 

**Emperor Edelgard** : Do you want some strawberry jam on your toast?

**Marianne <3**: Yes please. 

**delicate flower** : i won’t be able to focus at all.

**delicate flower** : holst has asked baltie to return to the alliance with him!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : that didn’t take long

**Lozzie** : He just needs my help erasing his debt with my father. Of course, it would have been much simpler had he actually done whilst my father was present. By now, he’ll be well on his way back to the Alliance.

**Lozzie** : He is not what you would call a “patient man”.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Yeah, that was obvious during his visit.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Reminds me a bit of my father.

**Sylvain Gautier** : I fear the day he decides to visit.

**felix** : my old man comes round quite a bit.

**felix** : maybe he could travel with him.

**Sylvain Gautier** : No! That would be even worse D:

**Hubert von Vestra** : We should all turn out attention towards the test. The hour of judgement is upon us.

**Linhardt** : You always have to sound so ominous.

**Linhardt** : You could have just said that it’s time for class.

**Hubert von Vestra** : But where is the fun in that?

*

**[Ashen Wolves Group Chat – 9:02am]**

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : There they all go, off to have their little mock exam.

**Sad** : they’ll be fine

**Sad** : not like it means anything

**Iced Coco** : I still wish them the best of luck!

**Sad** : say that on the main chat, not here

**Iced Coco** : It’s too late now!

**Sad** : yo, b, when’s holst going?

**Himbo Energy** : He wants to say goodbye to Hilda before he leaves. So he’ll be leaving sometime after classes have ended.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : More time to spend with your new boyfriend, then?

**Himbo Energy** : Exactly! :D

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 11:00am]**

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : How did the test go?

**Annie** : It hasn’t happened yet :O

**Bernie** : They’re just waiting to spring it upon us!

**delicate flower** : the lesson was just going as normal... there was no hint that there was going to be a mock exam...

**Mercie** : It is still early on in the day. It may happen after morning break :)

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i hope so

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : get it out the way

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I have never seen everyone so tense before!

**Emperor Edelgard** : True. When we asked, all we got in response was that it was going to happen at some stage.

**Emperor Edelgard** : That doesn’t exactly put our nerves at ease.

**felix** : what if it’s not going to happen

**Ashe** : But why would the Professor make us go through all that revision for nothing?

**Dedue** : To keep us quiet?

**Brigid Pride** : I am also having my suspicions.

**Diva Queen** : If we don’t have a test by the end of the day...

**Diva Queen** : We riot.

**Bernie** : Wait!

**Bernie** : YOU’RE ACTUALLY WANTING THIS TEST D:

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I don’t want to feel as though I have done all the work for nothing.

**Little King** : Yeah!

**Beefy Boi** : They wouldn’t do that to us D:

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’m sure the Professor has a good reason for doing this.

**Linhardt** : They may be preparing to give us the test as we speak. 

**Linhardt** : Right under our noses.

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 11:06am]**

**Seteth** : Professor, the students are starting to suspect that you are lying to them.

**Seteth** : Please tell me you have something planned.

**Professor Byleth** : Fear not, Seteth.

**Professor Byleth** : I have something in mind :D

**Seteth** : Your use of the smiley face is worrying me.

**Seteth** : What have you got in mind?

**Seteth** : Professor?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am have an important [update](https://grumpycupcake94.tumblr.com/post/615305117262086144/update-13042020)
> 
> You don't have to read it, but it does explain a little bit about what has been going on in my life right now.


	33. The "Test"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 12:31pm]**
> 
> **Seteth** : So this was your idea of a mock test?
> 
>  **Professor Byleth** : I didn’t say that it was a written test.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! 
> 
> I'm alive! 
> 
> After another few days at work, I can finally answer the question of "What the Hell is Byleth planning?"
> 
> As I was writing this, I found out that The Phantom of the Opera is free on YouTube for a day. I ended up watching it all.
> 
> Whoops. 
> 
> Rather than bore you with my Phantom fangirling, I'll leave you with a song from another musical I love, Moulin Rouge. [Link!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn0xXo1gwGY)
> 
> I like musicals, okay? If I didn't have the lungs of an asthmatic and the voice of a dying cat, I'd love to be in one.

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 11:20am]**

**Himbo Energy** : You okay? I can hear the screaming from down here.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I doubt they can read this. They’re probably doing something that requires all their attention.

**Iced Coco** : The poor dears! I really do think we should go up and help them out!

**Sad** : do we have to?

**Sad** : we don’t even know where they are.

**Sad** : and it’s too bright outside for you to cope, coco

**Iced Coco** : If it is to help out our friends, I will brave the sunlight!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Stick to the shade. You’ll be fine.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’m sorry I cannot be of assistance. Claude and I have recently come down with an illness.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : The screaming did sound like it was coming from the old chapel.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : That old place again? They really should knock that place down and build something new on it.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I suppose we can go and see what the commotion is about.

**Himbo Energy** : You think this the “test”?

**Sad** : who knows?

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 11:27am]**

**_Eyeliner on Fleek shared a link: Huh.img_ **

**memelord** : dafuq?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : So that must be the test the Professor was talking about.

**Sad** : having a game of paintball counts as a test?

**Iced Coco** : How fitting that they are all out playing paintball whilst I hide in the shadows like the coward I am. I have no right to show my face in front of them.

**Iced Coco** : I should just leave before I make everything worse than it already is.

**Sad** : it looks like they’re handling it

**Sad** : and there goes holst.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Holst is involved?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : His little sister is involved. Of course he is.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : And there goes Balthus straight after him.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I’m going to sit back and watch it all unfold.

**Sad** : same

**Iced Coco** : I, too, shall watch from the sidelines. Getting involved will only complicate the matter.

**memelord** : wait

**memelord** : teach said that they were getting tired having to explain why explosions keep having around the monastery

**memelord** : how are they going to explain why they sent twenty-two students out to the chapel to have a paintball match?

**memelord** : and where they even got the money to host the match in the first place?

**Sad** : dunno

**Sad** : not my problem

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I’m sure there is a perfectly logical explanation.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : One that the Professor will pull out of nowhere to save themselves.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : It is very entertaining, at least. The Black Eagles are using red, so anyone they shoot appear to be bleeding.

**Sad** : grim

**Iced Coco** : It is certainly a gruesome sight to see the red painted on their clothes.

**memelord** : who’s winning?

**Sad** : the deer, by the looks of it

**memelord** : sweet!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : So all the revision we’ve been doing has been for nothing?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Not quite. There’s some forts that have been set up and it looks like they’re employing siege warfare.

**memelord** : ah.

**memelord** : i can already hear hilda complaining about how she’s so fragile as she headshots someone

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : She’s done just that. She’s hit someone straight in the helmet with a paintball. Balthus and Holst have teamed up with her.

**Sad** : the eagles should have the advantage, having an extra person around

**Sad** : yet they seem to be losing

**Sad** : i can only see four people

**Sad** : the lions have five

**Sad** : the deer have six

**memelord** : fear the deer

**Iced Coco** : They do fear the deer.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:08pm]**

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : And it is a victory for the Golden Deer

**memelord** : YEET!

**Iced Coco** : I can hear everyone moaning about being in pain

**memelord** : i bet hilda got either holst or balthus to fight for her

**Iced Coco** : No. They were chased away from the battlefield by the Professor.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : They’re on their way back now.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Prepare for a lot of whining.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:20pm]**

**delicate flower** : ugh! im all sweaty!

**delicate flower** : and covered in paint!!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : How very ungracious of the Professor to suddenly throw us into a paintball game without telling us!

**Diva Queen** : They did.

**Diva Queen** : Just before they gave us all a paintball gun and told us to raid the bases belonging to the other houses.

**Lozzie** : I did not expect all this hard work to go into something as asinine as this.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : You’re just sour because you got hit first.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : By Dorothea, of all people.

**Marianne <3**: I enjoyed it.

**Marianne <3**: It took me a while to get into it, but it was good fun :)

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you screamed “i’m sorry!” after every shot you fired

**Marianne <3**: I didn’t want anybody to get hurt

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Marianne kept healing us as soon as we got hit :)

**Beefy Boi** : She was a real help :D

**Marianne <3**: I’m glad I was able to help

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Much better than Linhardt.

**Linhardt** : Ick.

**Linhardt** : Getting involved with something like that?

**Linhardt** : No thank you.

**Mercie** : I healed the Blue Lions when they got injured. A shame we didn’t have His Highness.

**Annie** : But Ingrid was brilliant :D

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I did the best I could. Felix kept insisting on being a lone wolf and going out alone. I had to get Sylvain to cover him.

**Sylvain Gautier** : He did manage to take down three of the Eagles by himself.

**felix** : they were easy targets.

**Bernie** : You hit me!

**Bernie** : Meanie!

**Ashe** : Dedue sheltered me from the worst of the hits. I only have a light bruise forming on my arm.

**Dedue** : I am your shield.

**Ashe** : <3

**Brigid Pride** : I am having confusion about this ball of paint. It seems strange that people enjoy shooting each other with the paint, when all it does is cause pain.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It is a strange concept.

**Hubert von Vestra** : One I do not grasp in the slightest.

**Little King** : Yet you and Ferdinand were terrifyingly good.

**Little King** : You backed each other up during the entire match.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Only to protect Hubie.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It was satisfying watching the paint come into contact with the other students.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It looked like blood.

**Little King** : And you’ve just made it ten times creepier.

**Emperor Edelgard** : It was definitely an interesting method of putting all the stuff we had covered about siege warfare and battle grounds into action.

**Emperor Edelgard** : A mock battle is one thing.

**Emperor Edelgard** : This was something else entirely.

**Emperor Edelgard** : A shame you missed it, Claude and Dimitri.

**delicate flower** : where are you guys, anyway?

**memelord** : my room.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude’s got a bigger bed.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You should be in your own room!

**Annie** : Let them have fun, Ingrid :D

**Professor Byleth** : Well done, students. I’m pleased with the results of this mock test.

**Professor Byleth** : Now go clean yourself up and have some lunch.

**Professor Byleth** : Class will resume at half one.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Enjoy yourselves?

**Sad** : i stayed away from the mess

**Sad** : it’s not for me

**Iced Coco** : How splendid! Such a fine game! I would love to take part one day!

**Himbo Energy** : You’re the one who was whinging about being a burden.

**Iced Coco** : Hmph!

**Iced Coco** : At least I didn’t try to give my boyfriend’s sister an advantage!

**Himbo Energy** : It was Holst’s idea!

**Sad** : and yet you followed after him

**Sad** : boy’s got you wrapped around his finger

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Balthus likes pretty boys

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : That much is clear.

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 12:31pm]**

**Seteth** : So this was your idea of a mock test?

**Professor Byleth** : I didn’t say that it was a written test.

**Seteth** : Even so, you should ask before willingly going out and letting the students have a paintball fight.

**Seteth** : Especially as it appears that you used the Church’s money for the equipment.

**Professor Byleth** : I have the paintball guns until tomorrow.

**Professor Byleth** : Want a match?

**Seteth** : ...

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:32pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : Class is cancelled!

**Professor Byleth** : Enjoy the rest of the day!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Huh?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Professor?

**delicate flower** : okay???

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : That was kinda weird.

**Brigid Pride** : We are not having the class? I am wondering why.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Who can say.

**Mercie** : I hope the Professor is okay! 

**Bernie** : I can hide back in my room now!!!

**Dedue** : We should all make sure our injuries are seen to.

**Diva Queen** : Manuela would be able to help us out.

**Diva Queen** : Except she doesn’t seem to be in her office.

**Diva Queen** : I went up because of the nasty bruise forming on my shoulder.

**Linhardt** : She’s not in the classroom, either.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hanneman isn’t in the golden deer room

**memelord** : hmm...

**Emperor Edelgard** : What are you thinking, Claude?

**memelord** : i’m thinking teach has managed to rope the other members of staff into having a game of their own

**Lozzie** : A ridiculous idea! As if the Professor would be able to convince Seteth and the professors into joining them!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : There goes Hanneman.

**Brigid Pride** : And Professor Manuela!

**felix** : there’s seteth

**felix** : flayn is tagging behind him

**Lozzie** : They could be out for a walk! You don’t know that they’re going to play paintball!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : They’re all heading down to the old chapel.

**Beefy Boi** : Shall we go investigate, Claude?

**memelord** : Yes! Brotherhood of Chaos, assemble!

**Linhardt** : You can’t see it, but Edelgard has just let out a defeated sigh.

**Brigid Pride** : Am I part of this chaos brotherhood?

**memelord** : that you are.

**memelord** : your codename is “the blade”

**Brigid Pride** : I am liking that name!

**Sylvain Gautier** : That does fit Felix, though.

**memelord** : nah, felix has another name

**felix** : what

**memelord** : the tsundere

**delicate flower** : LMAO

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:52pm]**

**_Beefy Boi posted a link: faculty_game.vid_ **

**memelord** : told you

**Lozzie** : Why is Seteth involved in this?!

**Bernie** : Is that Flayn????

**Bernie** : Sheltering behind that wall?

**Ashe** : This is very different from when we were playing :O

**Dedue** : They are more experienced.

**Annie** : We were trying to not injure each other.

**Little King** : They look like they are trying to kill each other!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Oh my Gods!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Even Jeralt is getting involved!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : looks like he’s teamed up with the professor

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : If Professor Hanneman and Professor Manuela are also on a team, then who is with Seteth?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Flayn?

**Beefy Boi** : Nah, she’s staying out the way.

**delicate flower** : wait

**delicate flower** : HOLY SHIT

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : What’s the matter, Hilda?

**_delicate flower posted a link: wtf????.img_ **

****

**Mercie** : Oh my!

**Emperor Edelgard** : LADY RHEA?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Update!](https://grumpycupcake94.tumblr.com/post/615679994781384704/update-17042020)
> 
> Surprise! A paintball match! 
> 
> Something I have not done because I bruise very easily. Just walking into a door in enough for a bruise to form.
> 
> Now I can also finally start playing the Final Fantasy VII Remake that has been sitting on my gaming shelf, taunting me.


	34. A Cult of Memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **memelord** : everyone! we must welcome petra into the brotherhood of chaos!
> 
> **Flayn** : Oh! Hello! :D
> 
> **Brigid Pride** : Hello! I am thankful for you adding me here.
> 
> **Brigid Pride** : What is it that we do here?
> 
> **memelord** : it started out as a hangout for the most chaotic bitches in this school
> 
> **yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : but now it’s more of a cult
> 
> **yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : a cult of memes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!
> 
> Few things to say before we get started!
> 
> One: Check out this beautiful piece of [fanart](https://www.deviantart.com/chocohiyoko-chan/art/Paintball-Fight-838570629) by ChocoHiyoko-chan! This is exactly how I imagined the paintball fight going! :D I always love seeing fanart :D 
> 
> Two: Holy crap, I can't believe that we are up to chapter thirty-four! Thirty-Four! What started out as a silly little project of mine has grown into this behemoth of a story. And I really couldn't have done it without all of your support, so thank you so much! 
> 
> Three: [music time!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyWgrLOUHak)

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:55pm]**

**delicate flower** : what the fuck???

**delicate flower** : lady rhea is killing it

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : How did the Professor convince her to join in?

**delicate flower** : i dunno

**Sylvain Gautier** : I’m sure even the Archbishop needs to let off steam every now and then?

**memelord** : in this house, we stan an archbishop

**Brigid Pride** : Stan?

**Brigid Pride** : Is that not a boy’s name?

**Brigid Pride** : But Rhea is a woman’s name...

**memelord** : it means that you are a fan

**Brigid Pride** : Ah! I am seeing it now :)

**Diva Queen** : So there’s three teams, just like when we did it?

**Beefy Boi** : Yep!

**Beefy Boi** : Hanneman and Manuela are on the red team, the Professor and Jeralt are on the blue team, and Seteth and Lady Rhea are on yellow team.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apparentice** : Jeez, maybe we should fear the Church.

**delicate flower** : yeah, forget about fearing the deer

**Hubert von Vestra** : You really should fear the Church.

**memelord** : :<

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Don’t worry, Claude! I still fear you :)

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Wait...

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Think before you speak, Your Highness.

**memelord** : it’s okay, dima

**memelord** : i still love you <3

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : <3

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Ah, young love

**Sad** : Yuck.

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 12:58pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : So Lady Rhea likes to go paintballing, as well? I’m amazed the Professor managed to convince her to join in.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I believe it was the Church’s money that paid for the equipment.

**Bernie** : w-what do we do now????

**Diva Queen** : The Professor said we could take the rest of the off, right? I don’t feel comfortable leaving the Academy, just in case they decide to change their mind and hold classes anyway. I know it isn’t long until the end of the day, but still.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I agree. There was some homework that Professor Manuela set that we can be getting on with.

**Little King** : Not me! I’m going to be training my muscles!

**Little King** : Hyah!

**Diva Queen** : Did you really have to type that out?

**Little King** : It gets me pumped up!

**Linhardt** : I’ll accompany you. There’s some books I was halfway through reading, and there’s some nice shade in the training yard.

**Diva Queen** : Hubie, Ferdie, what will you two be doing?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Homework, of course.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : It is always important to keep on top of your work, no matter how trivial.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It is the duty of the nobility to always keep track of your work.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Exactly! :D

**Brigid Pride** : Hubert was displaying the sarcasm there, was he not?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You wouldn’t do that to me, Hubie?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Of course not.

**Diva Queen** : What about you, Bernadetta? What will you do?

**Bernie** : me???

**Bernie** : it’s a nice day out

**Bernie** : i will go for a walk all on my own! no one joins me!

**Bernie** : it’ll just be bernie!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Have fun, Bernadetta :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : How about you, Petra?

**Brigid Pride** : I will be doing the research :)

**Brigid Pride** : There is much to learn about Fódlan!

**Iced Coco** : You can start by researching the grand name that is Nuvelle!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I think she has more important things to look up.

**Iced Coco** : How rude!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Hello, everyone. We decided to drag ourselves back onto here and mingle.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Was getting boring not having anyone else to talk to.

**Bernie** : Yuri! :D

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Hello to you too, Bernadetta.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Welcome back. It is always a pleasure to have someone dignified around.

**Diva Queen** : Don’t listen to him, Constance.

**Diva Queen** : On second thoughts, my work can wait. How about you teach me how to curl your hair like yours? I can only manage loose curls, and I long to have your lavish ringlets.

**Iced Coco** : How splendid!

**Iced Coco** : I must ask that you come to Abyss. I dare not risk exposing myself to the sun twice in one day.

**Linhardt** : About that

**Linhardt** : May I take a moment to study your “condition”?

**Iced Coco** : I am not your personal guinea pig!

**Linhardt** : I’ll take that as a no, then.

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 1:03pm]**

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : How are you feeling, Your Highness?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Alright. I’m still feeling under the weather. However, I should recover soon.

**Annie** : Is Claude still will you??

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Yes, he is.

**Dedue** : I wish you both a swift recovery.

**Ashe** : Would you like us to make you some soup my father made whenever I was sick?

**Ashe** : It's mixed vegetable :D

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Thank you. That would be lovely.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’ve heard that you have the day off whilst the Professor has a paintball match with the rest of the faculty. What will you do?

**Sylvain Gautier** : I might head into town to collect some supplies. I need a new quill as my old one has snapped.

**Annie** : I’ll join you! Mercie and I need to get some books :D

**Mercie** : I want to try and learn some advanced white magic, and I’ve gone through all the books in the library. I want to see if the bookshop has anything I can use :)

**Ashe** : Oooh! I can check if that new book about Loog has come out! We also need to buy the ingredients for the soup. 

**Dedue** : I will accompany you.

**felix** : ugh

**felix** : fine. i’ll go into town

**Sylvain Gautier** : Love you, Fe!

**felix** : get off me

**Annie** : We’ll see you later, Your Highness!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Do you need anything? Tissues? Throat sweets?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Some throat sweets would be lovely, thank you. It feels like I’ve swallowed a bag of razors.

**Annie** : Ouch! :O

**Sad** : shame

**Mercie** : Hapi!

**Ashe** : Hey, Hapi! :D

**Sad** : what? i’ve been here this whole time

**Sad** : lurking in the shadows

**Sad** : watching you all try to juggle your one brain cell

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : My apologies, Hapi. I completely forgot we added you onto here.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : How are you doing?

**Sad** : fine

**Sad** : if by fine, you mean having to put up with b moaning about missing his bf

**Sad** : save me

*

**[house of memes – 1:06pm]**

**_memelord changed delicate flower’s name to yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!_ **

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : why

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : why would you do this to me?

**memelord** : being sick is boring

**memelord** : got to entertain myself somehow

**Lozzie** : Can’t you find something constructive to do?

**memelord** : i’m bedridden

**Lozzie** : Read a book, for Goddess’s sake!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : im bored

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : class is out for the day

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : what shall we do?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I think it would be nice to sit back and relax. Whilst we do have an assessment to do, I don’t feel like doing it right now.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : It’s such a lovely day outside that I kind of want to lay in the sun

**Marianne <3**: It is a gorgeous day today.

**Marianne <3**: I want to have a cup of tea in the gardens.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’ll join you! There’s some lovely roses that I can paint :)

**Beefy Boi** : I saw Caspar head into the training grounds. I’ll go train with him :D

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i’ll go with marianne.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : holst is going back home today

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : i’m seeing him off with baltie

**Lozzie** : Ah! About that.

**Lozzie** : Tell Balthus that I’ve spoken to my father and he said that the only that he will remove Balthus’s debt is if he drops down dead.

**memelord** : that can be arranged.

**Lozzie** : Claude!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : tell him yourself

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : after i’ve seen holst off, i’ll join marianne for the tea

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : though baltie will likely be with us complaining about how much he misses his bf

**Lozzie** : How old is Balthus?

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : 26

**Lozzie** : Hmm...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : what’s on your mind?

**Lozzie** : Oh, nothing.

**Beefy Boi** : You’re just wondering how a grown man can act so childish??

**Lozzie** : No, of course not.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yeah you are

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : your upper lip is twitching

**Lozzie** : Alright, I am!

**Himbo Energy** : You do realise that Claude added me to this chat a while ago and that I can see everything you’re writing?

**Lozzie** : kjdhasJEJABSK.Jek

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : lorenz’s wig was snatched

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Balthus! I forgot you were here!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : How are you?

**Himbo Energy** : Kinda muted this chat for a while. Sorry!

**Himbo Energy** : But now I am back!

**memelord** : welcome, our himbo overlord

**Himbo Energy** : Please don’t change my name again.

**Himbo Energy** : This one is bad enough.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : don’t worry. it’s my turn to have my name changed

**Himbo Energy** : Ha! Nice one, Claude!

**memelord** : i thank you

**memelord** : can someone bring me something for my throat?

**Marianne <3**: What do you need?

**Marianne <3**: Something to soothe it? I think I saw some medicine in Professor Manuela’s office.

**Marianne <3**: She won’t mind me borrowing it, will she?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : nope

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : if she’s still engrossed in the paintball match, she probably won’t even notice that it’s gone

**Marianne <3**: I will tell her when she gets back, just so she isn’t wondering where some of her supplies have gone.

**Lozzie** : Marianne is too pure for this world.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : I know <3

*

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 1:10pm]**

****

**_memelord added Brigid Pride to the chat_ **

**memelord** : everyone! we must welcome petra into the brotherhood of chaos!

**Flayn** : Oh! Hello! :D

**Brigid Pride** : Hello! I am thankful for you adding me here.

**Brigid Pride** : What is it that we do here?

**memelord** : it started out as a hangout for the most chaotic bitches in this school

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : but now it’s more of a cult

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : a cult of memes

**Hubert von Vestra** : Another Black Eagle has been added into the mix

**Little King** : Hey, Petra!

**Little King** : You’re The Blade, right?

**Brigid Pride** : The Blade?

**Bernie** : We all have code names!!!

**Sylvain Gautier** : We sometimes act as private detectives whenever a new mystery arises.

**Beefy Boi** : Or if an important person visits and we have to act as bodyguards!

**memelord** : you will fit right in, petra.

**Brigid Pride** : You are having my thanks :D

**Linhardt** : The Black Eagles chat is exploding

**Linhardt** : Ferdinand must have encountered someone acting in a manner not befitting the nobility.

**Flayn** : Is everything alright?? :O

**Little King** : We’ll check in and get back to you.

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 1:16pm]**

**Little King** : Everything alright?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : No! Everything is not alright!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : My father has sent me a letter!

**Diva Queen** : A letter? Doesn’t your father know that he can just call you?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : He hates technology. But that’s not the point.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : What is the point is that he is going to visit Garreg Mach!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Really? So soon after Count Gloucester and Duke Holst?

**Emperor Edelgard** : How curious. Does he state why?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : No, that’s the problem! He just said that he’ll be visiting.

**Bernie** : When???

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Tomorrow!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Tomorrow?! Is it explicitly said in the letter?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Look!

**Hubert von Vestra** : ...

**Hubert von Vestra** : Huh.

**Linhardt** : Does Lady Rhea know about this?

**Little King** : Doubt it, if Ferdinand himself has only just got the letter.

**Emperor Edelgard** : We should tell her at once.

*

**_[private message from Emperor Edelgard to Archbishop Rhea – 1:21pm]_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Lady Rhea?

**Archbishop Rhea** : Are you okay, my child?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Duke Aegir is visiting tomorrow. He’s just told Ferdinand via a letter.

**Archbishop Rhea** : I see. Thank you for letting me know.

**Archbishop Rhea** : Do he give a reason?

**Emperor Edelgard** : No.

**Emperor Edelgard** : If I may be blunt, the man is not known for his... Communication skills.

**Archbishop Rhea** : We will prepare for his visit.

**Archbishop Rhea** : Please inform the other students.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 1:23pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Everyone! Duke Aegir, Ferdinand’s father, is due to come round tomorrow!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : What? Ferdinand, why did you not tell us about this sooner?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I have only just received word about it myself!

**Hubert von Vestra** : You needn’t worry.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Duke Aegir is nothing like Count Gloucester.

**Annie** : How so???

**Lozzie** : Yes, please indulge me.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Put it this way: if Balthus owed money to Duke Aegir, he wouldn’t be cowering in the shadows.

**Himbo Energy** : That so?

**Hubert von Vestra** : The only terrifying thing about him is his moustache.

**Iced Coco** : Still! We should prepare for his visit and treat him with the respect the nobility deserves!

**Iced Coco** : I wonder if he still remembers House Nuvelle?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You’re not seriously going to suck up to the Duke in an attempt to get your house back, are you?

**Iced Coco** : Of course not!

**Iced Coco** : Just that he considers it.

**Sad** : of course

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Edelgard?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, Dimitri?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’ve just seen Claude’s eyes light up in a way that suggests he is planning something.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Oh no...

**memelord** : brotherhood of chaos! we have a new mission!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No updates again today, as life seems to have calmed down a bit. It's still not great, due to the ongoing pandemic, but my personal life is doing okay! :D
> 
> ~~Now to get back to playing the Final Fantasy VII remake~~


	35. Strategy In Motion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Himbo Energy** : I’ll spy on him for you. I’m not an official Golden Deer, after all.
> 
>  **yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : you’re a sweetheart, baltie
> 
>  **yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : will you be alright?
> 
>  **Himbo Energy** : Ha! Don’t worry about me. I’m an expert at hiding in plain sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Sorry this chapter is shorter than usual. 
> 
> Work and stuff blah blah blah
> 
> You've heard it all before D:
> 
> Have some [musics](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=es-7mHyeWT0)

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 1:26pm]**

**memelord** : gather round, people!

**Little King** : We’re doing this just like last time, right? When the Count came round?

**Little King** : I really don’t want to be a bodyguard to him.

**Hubert von Vestra** : There is no need. No doubt the Duke will bring his own bodyguards. He is one of the most important men in the Empire, after all.

**Hubert von Vestra** : And the vilest.

**Linhardt** : Why is he even here?

**Hubert von Vestra** : If he was to cosy up against the Church, he would be doing the role of House Varley, the Ministry of Religion.

**Bernie** : WAHHHAAAAAA!!! MY FATHER’S COMING ROUND AS WELLL???!!!!

**Brigid Pride** : No, I am believing that Hubert means to say that the Duke’s visit is not of religious nature.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Adrestian politics are certainly confusing. In Faerghus, each member of the nobility is responsible for their own territory, but are not ministers of anything.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Sounds confusing.

**Beefy Boi** : Makes me glad I was born into a simple merchant family :O

**Himbo Energy** : This is why I left my house to let my younger sibling take over. Too much nonsense for me.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** **:** this is all well and good, but what exactly are we going to do?! if we’re not needed for this mission...

**Hubert von Vestra** **:** Correct. With all due respect, Claude, I was content to let you deal with Count Gloucester because he’s a member of the Alliance. This, on the other hand, is a matter for the Adrestian Empire to deal with.

**memelord** **:** by “adrestian empire”, you mean “you”

**memelord** **:** it’s a matter for you to deal with

**Hubert von Vestra** **:** Correct.

**Himbo Energy** **:** Hold on a sec.

**Himbo Energy** **:** You said that the only thing that was scary about him was his moustache. Why all this fancy schmancy preparation work?

**Hubert von Vestra** **:** I have my reasons.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** **:** Reasons?

**Beefy Boi** **:** Sounds bad!

**Linhardt** : You want to get back him in such a way that he doesn’t even realise it for something he did a while ago.

**Little King** : How are you doing achieve that?

**Hubert von Vestra** : >:D

**Bernie** : EEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

**Brigid Pride** : It is alright, Bernadetta! I shall protect you with my mighty blade!

*****

**_[private message from Hubert von Vestra to Fresh Prince of Faerghus – 1:30pm]_ **

**Hubert von Vestra** : Your Highness, I have a request for you. Will you allow Ferdinand to momentarily join your house? It is part of my grand scheme.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Of course!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : The Professor was planning on taking us out for a training exercise outside of Garreg Mach tomorrow. Ferdinand will be most welcome to join in!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Perfect.

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 1:31pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ferdinand, please calm yourself. It can’t be all that bad.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I know I am freaking out over nothing. It is just that I wish he had given me advance warning!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : He knows how to use modern technology. He just refuses to use it because he is stuck in the Stone Age.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Maybe the Renaissance Era if I am being generous.

**Diva Queen** : That bad, huh?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : And he is the most unnoblest noble that has ever existed!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : And he’ll probably want to see me to check on my work.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Wait...

**Diva Queen** : It’s likely we’ll be in class when he arrives.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am not sure as to why he is visiting in the first place. The letter he sent to Ferdinand is incredibly vague.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Nonetheless, I will do my part in greeting him to the monastery.

**Emperor Edelgard:** As much as it pains me to do so.

**Iced Coco** : I will be welcoming the Duke with all I have!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I will be there, as well.

**Hubert von Vestra** : No, you will not. I have asked His Highness if you could join the Blue Lions so you can avoid seeing him.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I know how much you hate the man.

**Little King** : Won’t that piss him off?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Yes.

**Emperor Edelgard** : But he cannot do anything about it. It’s not like he can denounce Ferdinand as his heir, as Ferdinand is his only legitimate child. He would be forced to acknowledge that he has bastard children elsewhere.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Oh Hubert, that is a brilliant idea.

**Emperor Edelgard** : And Dimitri approved of it?

**Hubert von Vestra** : He did. I am not sure he knows the reason why. He just agreed to do it.

**Diva Queen** : He’s sweet like that.

**Diva Queen** : I can see why Claude likes him so much.

*

**[Blue Lions House Chat – 1:35pm]**

**_Fresh Prince of Faerghus added I am Ferdinand von Aegir to the chat_ **

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I have a perfectly good explanation for this.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Ferdinand? What are you doing here?

**Dedue** : A noble from the Adrestian Empire has joined our chat?

**Ashe** : I’m sure His Highness will explain everything :D

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You are aware the Duke Aegir is paying Garreg Mach a visit tomorrow? Ferdinand does not wish to see his father, as they do not get along. I have agreed to let him stay with us for the time being.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hello, Blue Lions! Thank you for allowing me to hide away here.

**Mercie** : You’re always welcome to stay, Ferdinand :)

**Annie** : Hi!!! :D

**Sad** : sup

**Sylvain Gautier** : Another red headed lance wielder joins the fray ;)

**felix** : one was bad enough

**felix** : i see you also do no get along with your father

**felix** : that makes two of us

**Sylvain Gautier** : Three of us!

**Annie** : Hey! Don’t forget about me!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : So Ferdinand, do you want to join us tomorrow when we go out for our training exercise? We will be venturing outside of Garreg Mach, so you should be far away when your father visits.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I would be delighted to!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Will you be alright to come with us, Your Highness? Are you still sick?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I am. However, I am hoping that I will be able to go outside tomorrow. Some fresh air will do me some good.

**Mercie** : That’s the spirit :D We’ll all be so happy if you can come with us.

**Annie** : Even if you sit it out with a blanket and some medicine :D

**felix** : ferdinand, you appear to be a capable fighter

**felix** : i want to spar with you personally tomorrow

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I accept your challenge!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Careful, Ferdie. Felix takes his training very seriously.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Unlike me.

**Dedue** : What time are we due to leave tomorrow?

**Ashe** : About nine, I think. It’s not too far! We’ll be within sight of the monastery at all times.

**Sad** : eh, i’ll pass

**Sad** : i’m not really comfortable with leaving the monastery grounds

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : It is alright, Hapi. You can stay in Abyss.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Hey, Ferdie? Quick question.

**Sylvain Gautier** : What’s it like being with Hubert? Is he as prickly as Felix?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Only in public.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : In private, he lavishes me with gifts of tea and brushes my hair every night!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Felix~~~?

**felix** : you sleep in my bed every night

**felix** : even though you don’t fit

**Sylvain Gautier** : And you love it :3

**felix** : ...

**felix** : yes

*

**[house of memes – 1:41pm]**

**memelord** : golden deer, assemble!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : here!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : here

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Here!

**Beefy Boi** : Here :D

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Right here :)

**Marianne <3**: I’m here, too!

**Lozzie** : Must you gather us round like we are a bunch of children?

**Lozzie** : Alas.

**Lozzie** : I am here.

**memelord** : so, here’s the tea.

**memelord** : ferdie has temporarily joined the blue lions

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : WHAAAAAA????!!!!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : That’s news to me. I wonder why?

**Beefy Boi** : Apparently he doesn’t get along with his father.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : yeah, hubert said he had some plan or something

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : i didn’t expect this!!!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : do you think hubert chose the blue lions because they’re further away??

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I guess?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : thing about it. if ferdinand joined us, duke aegir would be on count gloucester’s doorstep in an instant

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : but faerghus is agggggeeeeeeeeeeess away

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : and cold as fuck

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice:** It’s only for a day or two. I’m sure it can’t be that bad :)

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Nothing to do with us, anyway. It’s the Empire’s business.

**Lozzie** : How did you find this out, Claude?

**memelord** : dima’s phone

**memelord** : i looked over his shoulder as he told the blue lions in their group chat

**memelord** : they’re going away for the day to avoid the monastery

**Beefy Boi** : Makes sense to me

**Beefy Boi** : A shame I won’t be able to be a bodyguard :<

**Marianne <3**: I think we will be in class when the Duke arrives. There’s nothing we can do.

**Marianne <3**: I wonder why he’s coming over?

**Lozzie** : Who can say? All I know is that we are not to rub our nose in the Empire’s business.

**Lozzie** : Claude.

**memelord** : aww, not even to spy on him?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I don’t think that’s a good idea

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : He may not be as scary of Count Gloucester, but I still don’t want to get on his bad side.

**Himbo Energy** : I’ll spy on him for you. I’m not an official Golden Deer, after all.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : you’re a sweetheart, baltie

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : will you be alright?

**Himbo Energy** : Ha! Don’t worry about me. I’m an expert at hiding in plain sight.

*

**[Ashen Wolves Group Chat – 1:45pm]**

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : What a bother this politics business is.

**Sad** : yep

**Iced Coco** : And this is why neither of you have a house to your name!

**Iced Coco** : When I am the Viscountess of Nuvelle, people shall tremble before my might!

**Himbo Energy** : I’ll be stalking the Duke from a safe distance and reporting on everything he’s doing.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Really?

**Himbo Energy** : Hey! I’m a master of sneaking!

**Sad** : yesterday you managed to trip over those big feet of yours

**Iced Coco** : How exactly do you intend to spy on the Duke when you tower over everyone?!

**Himbo Energy** : Easy ;)

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Please say you have an actual idea, and not something that is half-baked?

**Himbo Energy** : Sure I do!

**Himbo Energy** : I shall intimidate everyone into not seeing me.

**Sad** : what.

**Iced Coco:** That is utterly ridiculous!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : If you somehow manage to pull this off, I will be amazed.

**Himbo Energy** : You’ll need to wait until tomorrow to be amazed, then :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short [update](https://grumpycupcake94.tumblr.com/post/616579016958394368/update-27042020)
> 
> Bleh...
> 
> Also, side note! Balthus's plan is based on this [post](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/534661787001605344/) that made me cry with laughter. I would love to return to D&D as Mavis, my overpowered Cleric who destroys enemies by raining fire from the sky in the name of the Lord.


	36. The Hunger Games Simulation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **memelord** : dorothea constructs a shack
> 
>  **Diva Queen** : How? With my bare hands?
> 
>  **Emperor Edelgard** : I think it’ll be more like some wood resting against a rock.
> 
>  **Diva Queen** : I hear “shack” and I think quaint little cabin with a cosy little fire and mugs of hot cocoa.
> 
>  **memelord** : caspar sees smoke rising in the distance, but doesn’t investigate
> 
>  **Little King** : Hey, it’s Dorothea’s shack!
> 
>  **memelord** : hubie looks for firewood
> 
>  **Hubert von Vestra** : That wooden house looks promising.
> 
>  **Diva Queen** : YOU LEAVE MY WOODEN CABIN ALONE!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> What's this? A chapter on Thursday? 
> 
> Yes, I had my shift moved forwards by an hour, so here's a new chapter! Having said that, I am posting this without proofreading as I have to hurry off to work xD Sorry if there are any glaring errors!
> 
> Huge thanks to [CC_Writes_Stuff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CC_Writes_Stuff/pseuds/CC_Writes_Stuff) for the idea! 
> 
> [Have some music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnO4rSFl1eI)

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:01pm]**

**memelord** : gather round people!

**memelord** : because i am bored af, i have devised a genius game

**Emperor Edelgard** : Oh?

**Diva Queen** : Something that won’t set the school on fire, I hope.

**memelord** : worry not, ladies.

**memelord** : this is but a simple simulation

**memelord** : about the hunger games.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : The what now?

**Bernie** : OH!!! I LOVED THOSE BOOKS!!! :D

**Bernie** : I MEAN... I LOVED READING THEM NOT THE ACTUAL SUBJECT MATTER!!!

**Bernie** : I PROMISE I DON’T WANT THEM TO HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE I PROMISE!!!!!

**Ashe** : I read those books as well! There’s a simulation of them, you say?

**Dedue** : I am intrigued. I have not heard of these books.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Aren’t they about a bunch of teenagers having to fight to the death until only one is remaining, Battle Royale style?

**felix** : the original was better

**Annie** : Original???

**felix** : it’s too graphic for your pure mind.

**Annie** : Felix! That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me :3

**Mercie** : As long as nobody is seriously getting hurt, I can’t see the harm in this.

**Mercie** : So long as we promise that we don’t do it for real :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : Of course not, Mercedes.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I refuse to be a part of this.

**memelord** : too late!

**memelord** : you are on district two with ferdie

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Us two together, Hubie! We can do this! :D

**Little King** : I’m in! :D

**Linhardt** : So long as I can be on a team with Caspar and sleep through the whole thing, I’ll join in.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : There won’t be any room for me or the Ashen Wolves. There’s 24 tributes, and there’s 24 of you here. We’ll sit this one out.

**Sad** : have fun killing each other

**Himbo Energy** : We’re rooting for you!

**Iced Coco** : And there should be no need to take it so seriously. It’s all in good fun!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Who is on what team, Claude?

**memelord** : from district one: edelgard and dorothea

**Diva Queen** : Oh, okay :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’m with Dorothea? Thank you :)

**memelord** : from district two: hubert and ferdinand

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Don’t worry, Hubie! We’ll win this! :D

**Hubert von Vestra** : Yes, we will.

**memelord** : from district three: myself and dima

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : :)

**memelord** : district four: hilda and marianne

**Marianne <3**: I’ll try to make sure nobody gets hurt

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** **: aww, even when people are out to kill you, you always try to heal people <3**

**memelord** : district five: linhardt and caspar

**Little King** : NICE!

**Linhardt** : Now to find somewhere to nap my way to victory

**memelord** : district six: dedue and ashe

**Dedue** : I will ensure our victory

**Ashe** : Same here!

**memelord** : district seven: lysithea and leonie

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : no one is safe from my magic

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : It’s just a game, Lysithea. And I don’t think they have Dark Spikes within the universe.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : because no one will survive if they did

**memelord** : district eight: sylvain and felix

**felix** : when do i get to kill?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Soon, Felix. Soon~

**Emperor Edelgard** : It is just a simulation, right??

**memelord** : district nine: raphael and igantz

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : okay!

**Beefy Boi** : I’m ready to roll :D

**memelord** : district ten: petra and bernie

**Bernie** : Yay! I’m with Petra! :DDDD

**Brigid Pride** : I will get the victory!

**memelord** : district eleven: lorenz and ingrid

**Lozzie** : I see that I am with a fierce warrior. We will secure our victory however we can!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I’m still not sure what this is about, but I will do my best!

**memelord** : and finally, district twelve: annie and mercie

**Annie** : We’ll do what we can!

**Mercie** : I hope everyone enjoys themselves :)

**memelord** : let’s go!!!!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:20pm]**

**memelord** : day one: the bloodbath

**memelord** : so, picture the scene. a clearing in a forest, trees as far as the eye can see. to the north, in the distance, a castle can barely be seen peaking over the trees. to the south, a cliff leading to an ocean. the sun is shining down on you with clouds threatening to bring rain. the thingymajig that is shaped like a weird horn in the middle, full of supplies and weapons.

**memelord** : the horn sounds for the start of the games

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : You are excellent at storytelling, Claude :)

**felix** : shush

**felix** : who dies

**memelord** : annie runs away

**Annie** : To safety!

**memelord** : linhardt finds a bag of camping equipment

**Linhardt** : Like I said, I’m going to find a nice hole to sleep in and wait it all out.

**memelord** : dedue rips a mace out of ingrid’s hands

**memelord** : I apologise

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : It’s alright! I wouldn’t be that good with it, anyway.

**memelord** : hilda runs away

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : that’s right! no fighting for me!

**memelord** : petra, ignatz, edelgard, and sylvain form a suicide pact

**Brigid Pride** : Huh? I am not understanding this pact.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Oh dear.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It’s for the best. I know I wouldn’t do very well.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Didn’t see that one coming.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Not quite what I would have done.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I suppose this is just a simulation, though.

**Diva Queen** : Edie, no!

**Diva Queen** : I’ll win this for both of us!

**memelord** : bernie, raph, hubert, ashe, and felix and myself all run away

**Bernie** : Bernie will hide away and never come out!

**Beefy Boi** : Got to psyche myself up!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am too important to die to some bloodbath

**memelord** : and i don’t fancy dying

**Ashe** : I’ll find a way to keep on going.

**felix** : hmph

**felix** : do i grab a sword before running

**memelord** : no

**felix** : i do now

**Sylvain Gautier** : Felix~~~~ You’re ruining it

**felix** : it’s stupid, anyway

**memelord** : dima and dorothea grab fishing bait, whilst marianne and lysithea grab fishing gear

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : A nice fishing trip :)

**Marianne <3**: That sounds lovely :)

**Diva Queen** : In another world, a fishing trip would sound delightful.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : what happens next?

**memelord** : lozzie runs away with a lighter and some rope

**Lozzie** : A lighter could start a small fire, and I could use the rope for many purposes. Not a bad start at all.

**memelord** : ferdie stays at the horn thingy for supplies

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : A noble is always prepared!

**memelord** : caspar grabs a bag and flees

**Little King** : Watch out! Muscle One is coming right at ya!

**memelord** : and finally, mercie and leonie fight over some supplies, with leonie giving up and running away

**Mercie** : I’m so sorry, Leonie! We can share the items :3

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I’ll find something else, don’t worry :)

**memelord** : and that is the bloodbath out the way

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:27pm]**

**memelord** : day one

**memelord** : marianne makes a slingshot

**Marianne <3**: Um... I don’t know how to make a slingshot

**memelord** : annie travels to higher ground

**Annie** : It’s important to have a good vantage point over the terrain! Many historic battles have been won due having a height advantage!

**memelord** : bernie steals from me

**Bernie** : I’M SORRRY!!!!

**memelord** : raph chases lozzie

**Lozzie:** I say, how awfully rude of you.

**Beefy Boi** : Sorry! Got to protect myself, you know?

**memelord** : felix gets food from an unknown sponsor

**felix** : probably my father. he’s always like this.

**memelord** : mercie fishes

**Mercie** : Awww, how sweet :3

**memelord** : lysithea scares ferdie off

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I’m sure it was just so we could form a truce!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : back off!

**memelord** : ingrid dies of an infection

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I see. I never really got into the whole game, so no harm done. Wonder what infection it was?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Likely one caused by a wound?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Yes, it must be that.

**memelord** : leonie picks some flowers

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Flowers make everything better, even when you’re in the middle of a death of a death match :)

**memelord** : dedue scares ashe off

**Sylvain Gautier** : Okay, that is bullshit

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Dedue would never do such a thing!

**Annie** : Yeah! Dedue would stick by Ashe at all costs!

**felix** : this game’s crap

**Dedue** : I would never scare you away, Ashe.

**Ashe** : I know <3

**memelord** : dorothea constructs a shack

**Diva Queen** : How? With my bare hands?

**Emperor Edelgard** : I think it’ll be more like some wood resting against a rock.

**Diva Queen** : I hear “shack” and I think quaint little cabin with a cosy little fire and mugs of hot cocoa.

**memelord** : caspar sees smoke rising in the distance, but doesn’t investigate

**Little King** : Hey, it’s Dorothea’s shack!

**memelord** : hubie looks for firewood

**Hubert von Vestra** : That wooden house looks promising.

**Diva Queen** : YOU LEAVE MY WOODEN CABIN ALONE!

**memelord** : hilda tends to linhardt’s wounds

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : despite linhardt being the healer

**Linhardt** : Hey, I can’t heal myself

**Linhardt** : Somehow

**memelord** : finally, dima looks for some water

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Hydration is important!

**memelord** **:** at the end of the first day, we have five dead: petra, edelgard **,** ignatz, sylvain, and ingrid. you hear five canon shots rining out over the arena.

**memelord** : rip in pepperoni

**Brigid Pride** : Is this how you say Rest In Peace?

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:35pm]**

**memelord** : night one

**memelord** : annie gets a hatchet from someone

Annie: Okay! :3

**memelord** : bernie and ashe hold hands

**Ashe** : We will be alright, Bernadetta

**Bernie** : I... I KNOW WE WILL!

**memelord** : marianne and myself tell stories about each other

**memelord** : see, i’m not a monster

**Marianne <3**: Thank you, Claude.

**memelord** : linhardt spots a fire, but stays hidden

**Linhardt** : See, my tactic is working

**memelord** : lysithea and lorenz think about winning

**Lozzie** : Winning is that matters

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : not if i beat you to it

**memelord** : leonie screams for help

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : But no one is listening

**memelord** : raph gets medical supplies from someone

**Beefy Boi** : But I’m not injured??

**memelord** : doesn’t matter

**memelord** : dedue sings himself to sleep

**Dedue** : It is dangerous for me to be sleeping.

**memelord** : ferdie lights a fire

**Linhardt** : So it was your fire that I saw?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hypothermia is the real killer.

**memelord** : dima and dorothea call a truce for the night

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : We can take it in turns to keep an eye out for trouble.

**Diva Queen** : Please, feel free to join me in my wooden cabin :)

**memelord** : mercie and hubie huddle for warmth

**Sylvain Gautier** : Pffttttt!

**Emperor Edelgard** : That is quite amusing :)

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** :the physical embodiment of purity and the manifestation of hell cuddling together.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : nice

**memelord** **:** felix gets into a fight with caspar and hilda, killing them both

**felix** **:** no one is safe

**Little King** **:** What the Hell, Felix?!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** **:** felix, why????

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:40pm]**

**memelord** : day two. it rained overnight.

**memelord** : i die of hypothermia

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Claude, no!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I told you that hypothermia is the real killer! Stay warm, people!

**memelord** : lozzie and leonie fish

**Lozzie** : Important to get a steady of supply of food.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I’m on holiday, apparently. All I’ve done is pick flowers and fish.

**memelord** : lysithea makes a slingshot

**Marianne <3**: Oh, just like mine!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : where’s the ammo?

**memelord** : dorothea stalks dima

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Dorothea??

**Diva Queen** : Come... There is plenty of room for two within my shack...

**memelord** : dedue becomes one with the bushes?

**Dedue** : ?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I think Claude means that you disguise yourself as a bush

**Sylvain Gautier** : I’ve got a costume for that!

**memelord** : felix is pricked by thorns as he picks berries

**felix** : they better not be poisonous

**memelord** : marianne looks for firewood

**Marianne <3**: If it rained the previous night, it won’t be very good for fires.

**memelord** : ashe travels to higher ground.

**Ashe** : I have to get my bearings so I don’t get lost.

**memelord** : ferdie chases annie

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I’m sorry!

**Annie** : Meanie!

**memelord** : bernie gets medical supplies

**Bernie** : Bernie’s going to live!

**memelord** : hubie and raph work together for the day

**Hubert von Vestra** : there are worse people to work with

**Beefy Boi** : Hell yeah!

**memelord** : mercie thinks about home

**Mercie** : :<

**memelord** : linhardt questions his sanity

**Linhardt** : As if I had any to begin with, agreeing to join in with this.

**memelord** : as night falls, you hear three more canon shots. eight people dead, sixteen left alive.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:45pm]**

**memelord** : at night, you see a beautiful aurora dancing in the sky.

**memelord** : bernie manages to get some sleep.

**Bernie** : Hidden away, I hope!

**memelord** : dorothea, lysithea, and dima sleep in shifts

**Diva Queen** : I didn’t quite expect to form a pact with His Highness and Lysithea, but here we are.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I know that I can trust you two :)

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : anyone gets close to us, i’ll blast them

**memelord** : dedue, annie, and marianne sleep in shifts

**Dedue** : I will protect you

**Annie** : Thank you! :3

**Marianne <3**: Thank you...

**memelord** : leonie, raph, and merice cheerfully sing songs together

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I swear I am on a camping trip! I haven’t done anything but fish, pick flowers, and sing.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Give me a guitar and I’m in the frigging Sound of Music!

**Beefy Boi** : But it’s fun to sing!

**Mercie** : It’ll lift our spirits :D

**memelord** : lin dies of an infection

**Linhardt** : Oh.

**Linhardt** : At least I wasn’t killed???

**Little King** : You can join me in the afterlife, Lin!

**memelord** : lozzie and ashe huddle for warmth

**Lozzie** : Yes, we must share out body heat

**Ashe** : We don’t want to succumb to hypothermia.

**memelord** : ferdie lights a fire

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Feel free to gather round for warmth!

**memelord** : hubie loses sight of where he is

**Hubert von Vestra** : I know exactly where I am.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It’s you who doesn’t know where I am.

**memelord** : and felix cries in his sleep

**Sylvain Gautier** : Inaccurate.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Completely.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I doubt he sleeps. He spends the night sharpening his blade.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Look at all this exciting action I’m missing out on :(

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I wouldn’t have made it this far. I probably would have died to an infection or hypothermia.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I wish I could join in on Leonie’s camping trip.

**Brigid Pride** : We will be doing this again, yes?

**memelord** : if it goes well, sure!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:51pm]**

**memelord** : day three brilliant sunshine that is blindingly bright

**memelord** : hubie gets medical stuff

**Hubert von Vestra** : As if I need it.

**memelord** : bernie questions her sanity.

**Bernie** : HWAT.???? DO I ??? WHERE AM I WHAT IS GOING ON???????!!!

**Brigid Pride** : It is alright, Bernie. I know you are alright :)

**Bernie** : Thank you!!!!!

**memelord** : lozzie yeets a knight into dorothea’s chest

**Diva Queen** : Rude

**memelord** : leonie thinks about home

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Yeah, the abbey where I live because call me Maria von Trapp.

**memelord** : raph and marianne work together

**Beefy Boi** : Let’s go, Marianne!

**Marianne <3**: O-Okay!

**memelord** : ferdie and dima look for resources

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Remember! We need shelter, water, warmth, and food.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : On it! I think Dorothea’s wooden hut should be free now.

**Diva Queen** : Leave my hut alone!

**memelord** : ashe steals from felix

**Ashe** : I am sorry, Felix!

**felix** : just don’t do it again

**memelord** : mercie and lysithea work together

**Mercie** : We’ll make a great team! :D

**memelord** : and annie tends to dedue’s wounds

**Annie** : I’ll patch you up in no time!

**Dedue** : You have my thanks.

**memelord** : two more canons fire out.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:58pm]**

**memelord** : raph cooks food and extinguishes his fire

**Beefy Boi** : Safety first!

**memelord** : annie gets fresh food from an unknown sponsor

**Annie** : Yay! Thank you whoever you are!

**memelord** : lysithea receives a hatchet

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : oh, it’s on

**memelord** : marianne falls from a tree and lands on mercie, killing them both

**Marianne <3**: I’M SORRY! D:

**Mercie** : It’s alright. It was an accident :)

**memelord** : felix can’t light a fire

**felix** : who needs a fire, anyway6

**memelord** : ferdie cooks his food before putting out the fire

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : A truly brilliant idea!

**memelord** : bernie, dima, dedue, ashe, and hubie sleep in shifts

**Bernie** : Bernie’s still alive?!

**Dedue** : I am sorry for scaring you away, Ashe.

**Ashe** : It’s okay! <3

**Hubert von Vestra** : Weaklings.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : How long will this truce last?

**memelord** : and...

**memelord** : lozzie strangles leonie with his rope

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : FUCKING REALLY?????!!!!

**Lozzie** : I’M SORRY, LEONIE!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I was enjoying my camping trip :<

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:03pm]**

**memelord** : day four. overcast, with a hint of rain.

**memelord** : raph collects fruit from a tree

**Beefy Boi** : I hope it’s apples! You can do lots of delicious things with apples.

**memelord** : lysithea receives an explosive from an unknown sponsor

**Diva Queen** : WHO IS GIVING HER THESE THINGS?!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i’m ready

**memelord** : dedue runs away from hubert

**Hubert von Vestra** : Yes. Run away.

**Dedue** : I will live to see another day.

**memelord** : felix looks for water

**felix** : there. found it.

**felix** : easy.

**memelord** : felix has dysentery. 

**Brigid Pride** : Dysentery?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Ouch!

**memelord** : lozzie and annie look for supplies

**Lozzie** : We must have picked this place pretty clean by now.

**Annie** : There’s always something!

**memelord** : ashe forces dima to kill bernie and ferdie. he choses ferdie.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : What??

**Ashe** : I would never!

**Bernie** : THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME!!!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** ; Hubie?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Do not worry. I will avenge your death.

**memelord** : four more canon shots can be heard.

**memelord** : only ten people are alive.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:11pm]**

**memelord** : night falls. it’s raining again.

**memelord** : annie destroys felix’s supplies as he sleeps

**Annie** : It’s the final push to the end!

**felix** : die

**memelord** : hubie severly injures bernie and leaves her to die

**Bernie** : DON’T LEAVE ME!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Nothing personal.

**memelord** : lozzie sabotages dima’s stuff as he sleeps.

**Lozzie** : Apologies, Your Highness. There are not many of us left.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : We do what we must to stay alive.

**memelord** : lysithea thinks about winning

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : When she is armed with a hatchet and explosives, that’s pretty easy to do.

**memelord** : raph gets fresh food

**Beefy Boi** : Feast time! :D

**memelord** : dedue tends to ashe’s wounds.

**Ashe** : <3

**Dedue** : <3

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:13pm]**

**memelord** : day five. the feast arrives. the horn thingy is replenished with supplies. the weather is thick with fog, making it difficult to see.

**memelord** : dedue, lozzie, felix, and dima skip the feast.

**Dedue** : A wise decision. It is too dangerous.

**felix** : i have everything i need.

**Lozzie** : A smart move.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Does anyone attend?

**memelord** : raph and hubie team up to kill lysithea

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : fuck

**Beefy Boi** : Who gets her stuff?

**Hubert von Vestra** : We do.

**memelord** : and ashe pushes annie off a cliff during a knife fight

**Ashe** : Gods, I’m so sorry!

**Annie** : It’s okay, Ashe! Don’t worry about it :3

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ashe is the one to look out for!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:16pm]**

**memelord** : later on, raph overhears ashe and hubie talking in the distance

**Beefy Boi** : Am I going to die now??

**memelord** : dedue gets fresh food

**Dedue** : Excellent.

**memelord** : lozzie goes fishing

**Lozzie** : Biding my time.

**memelord** : felix goes hunting

**felix** : boar hunting

**memelord** : and dima looks for firewood

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I did not expect to get this far. I hope I can survive until the very end!

**memelord** : and with three horns in the distance, we are down to the final seven.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You can do it, Your Highness!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Go on, Felix!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I believe in you, Raphael!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : it’s fun when you’re not dead!!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:20pm]**

**memelord** : raph, dedue, and hubie sleep in shifts

**Beefy Boi** : Still an uneasy truce.

**Dedue** : What happens if no one dies soon?

**Hubert von Vestra** : We shall see.

**Linhardt** : The three biggest men in our houses all sleeping in shifts.

**Little King** : Wouldn’t want to pick a fight with them!

**memelord** : ashe sleeps in a tree

**Ashe** : Phew, somewhere safe!

**memelord** : felix cries himself to sleep

**Annie** : Poor Felix!

**Mercie** : We’re here for you!

**felix** : get off me.

**memelord** : dima and lozzie have a truce for the night

**Lozzie** : I cannot help but feel that something bad is going to happen.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Indeed. How long before this truce comes to an end?

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:23pm]**

**memelord** : raph picks flowers

**Beefy Boi** : I place them on the graves of our fallen friends :)

**memelord** : ashe sees smoke in the distance, but stays put

**Ashe** : I don’t know where it’s coming from :O

**memelord** : hubie sprains an ankle running from dima

**Hubert von Vestra** : I’ll get you next time!

**memelord** : dedue runs away from felix

**felix** : get back here!

**memelord** : lozzie discovers a river

**Lozzie** : ??

**Lozzie** : That’s all I do?

**Sylvain Gautier** : When’s the killing going to start?

**Marianne <3**: We are in a stalemate right now.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:25pm]**

**memelord** : night six. a full moon.

**memelord** : dima, raph, ashe, felix, and lozzie sleep in shifts

**memelord** : hubie kills dedue in the dead of night

**Hubert von Vestra** : One down

**Ashe** : Dedue! D:

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Surely someone’s going to snap and go on a killing spree soon?

**memelord** : day seven: sunny, with a light breeze.

**memelord** : ashe chases dima

**Ashe** : A friendly game of tag! :D

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Yes, a nice game of tag :)

**memelord** : felix practices archery

**Sylvain Gautier** : More like Felix practices his swordplay

**felix** : correct

**memelord** : lozzie runs away from raph

**Lozzie** : I do not wish to pick a fight with you!

**memelord** : hubie hides somewhere, scheming away

**Hubert von Vestra** : Scheming how to win, that is.

**Brigid Pride** : I am believing in you, Hubert!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Go on, Hubert!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:30pm]**

**memelord** : suddenly, the arena in plunged into darkness and no one can see anything

**memelord** : felix trips over a rock and plummets to his death off the cliff

**felix** : damn it!

**memelord** : hubie and raph get into a fight, lose their balance, and fall off the cliff

**Hubert von Vestra** : A shame.

**Beefy Boi** : Oh no! D:

**memelord** : lozzie accidentally comes into contact with a plant that instantly kills him.

**Lozzie** : Oh my...

**Lozzie** : That is one way to deal with the stalemate.

**memelord** : ashe and dima survive

**memelord** : we are down to the final two.

**memelord** : it is ashe vs dima

**memelord** : place your bets now!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Ashe has got this in the bag.

**Marianne <3**: I don’t know...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : ashe is the dark horse

**Lozzie** : But His Highness has proven himself to be survivor

**Emperor Edelgard** : My bets are on Dimitri.

**Diva Queen** : Go on, Your Highness!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : You can go it!

**Annie** : A Blue Lion victory!

**Mercie** : Let the best man win :3

**Dedue** : I think Ashe will win.

**Brigid Pride** : I am enjoying this finale :)

**Linhardt** : I could have won if I didn’t get infected.

**Little King** : Wonder what will happen next???

**Beefy Boi** : I don’t know who’s going to win D:

**Hubert von Vestra** : It has to be His Highness.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : The final two!

**memelord** : let’s go!

**memelord** : as night falls, a storm crashes overhead. thunder and lightning strike as dima and ashe make their way to the castle in the distance. they square up against each other in the courtyard, soaked to the bone as the rain and the wind picks up.

**memelord** : ashe fires off an arrow, which narrowly misses dima

**memelord** : dima gets a rock and manages to pounce on ashe, bashing his head in.

**memelord** : the winner is dima from district three!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Oh!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I’m sorry, Ashe!

**Ashe** : It is alright! Well done, Your Highness!

**Annie** : Yay!

**Mercie** : Congratulations :3

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You did it, Your Highness.

**felix** : well done boar

**Sylvain Gautier** : We did it!

**Sylvain Gautier** : It was a Blue Lion victory, right?

**Dedue** : Congrats.

**Emperor Edelgard** : If I hadn’t have died on the first day, I would have liked to go further.

**Diva Queen** : Are we going to do this again?

**Brigid Pride** : Yes please!

**Bernie** : We can do it again!

**Bernie** : Bernie wants to win!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i was this close!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Maybe next time I won’t just be on a camping trip!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Would I die on the first day again?

**Beefy Boi** : I’ll look after you, if I can :)

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : i’ll team up with marianne next time!

**Marianne <3**: Oh, thank you :)

**memelord** : dima is the best boy :)

**Lozzie** : That he... Is?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Thank you :)

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:41pm]**

**Professor Byleth** : This gives me an idea.

**Seteth** : Professor, no!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a mess xD


	37. The Hunger Games Simulation: Round Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Emperor Edelgard** : The night rolls around again, along with the Bloodmoon. Under the light of this moon, Claude sings songs with Ferdinand and Dorothea.
> 
>  **Diva Queen** : A nice distraction from that awful afternoon.
> 
>  **I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Yes! A much-needed break!
> 
>  **memelord** : this is so sad alexa play despacito
> 
>  **Brigid Pride** : Alexa? What is Alexa? And Despacito?
> 
>  **memelord** : petra, when this is over, you and i are going to have to have a lesson all about alexa memes.
> 
>  **Brigid Pride** : I am looking forward to it :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! 
> 
> I am back after my short break. I am still feeling a bit low in energy and ideas, so have part two of the Hunger Games simulation that I did last time as a way of saying sorry! D: 
> 
> It is a bit of an odd thing to be doing when it is VE Day right now, celebrating 75 years since the end of the Second World War in Europe. Instead of having street parties, we are all stuck in our homes as lockdown has been extended. Joy. 
> 
> I was supposed to be going to Alton Towers in April, but obviously that never happened. So have some [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cDMaVZ4O_M) that played on Air back in 2006 when I first went, which is soothing AF.
> 
> Also! Shoutout to [DoubleDoubleToilAndTrouble](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoubleDoubleToilAndTrouble/pseuds/DoubleDoubleToilAndTrouble) for the end part!

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:10pm]**

**Diva Queen** : Edie? Sweetie?

**Diva Queen** : You feeling alright?

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’m alright, Dorothea.

**Diva Queen** : You’re thinking about how you died almost instantly in the Hunger Games simulator, aren’t you?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, I am!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i never got to use my explosives :<

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : And I went on a camping trip!

**Sylvain Gautier** : So no one is happy about how it went.

**felix** : yeah, given how the boar won

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I was with Claude the entire time. He didn’t rig the simulation or anything.

**Annie** : Maybe someone else can run it again?

**Mercie** : I’ll sit this one out, if you don’t mind. It was fun the first time, but I don’t think I’ll do it again.

**Mercie** : Perhaps we can get the Ashen Wolves to take part?

**Iced Coco** : I would be delighted to take part in this simulation!

**Himbo Energy** : Same here! :D

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : If four people were to drop out, we could take their places.

**Sad** : who shall i replace?

**Bernie** : ME! I DONT WANT TO DO IT AGAIN!!!!

**Linhardt** : I’m content to sit on the sidelines and watch. Once was enough for me.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : and me!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : such a delicate flower should not be allowed to do heavy fighting like this! 

**memelord** : that means marianne will be taking part.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : you know what? yeah, i’ve got this!

**Marianne <3**: Thank you, Hilda :)

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Who’s going to be running the simulation this time?

**Emperor Edelgard** : I will, if that is okay with everyone?

**Diva Queen** : Of course it is :D

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : No objections from me!

**felix** : hurry up and get it done.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Give me a few minutes to get everything set up. Claude, do you have a link to the simulation?

**memelord** : sure thing, princess.

**_memelord posted a link: kill_or_be_killed.url_ **

**Sylvain Gautier** : No one is going to comment on how our three main healers are all sitting it out?

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:45pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am finally ready to reveal the districts!

**Diva Queen** : Oh my Gods, Edie! You’ve taken nearly two hours! 

**Emperor Edelgard** : My apologies. I was busy reading up about the districts and lost track of time.

**Emperor Edelgard** : The bad news is that I had to split the couples up, and there is still an uneven number of boys to girls.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Sorry! And please do not be offended as where to I put you. I used a random generator!

**Emperor Edelgard** : From District One, Ferdinand and Annette.

**Annie** : Okay :D

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : We have this, Annette. Nothing can stop us!

**Emperor Edelgard** : From District Two, Lysithea and Balthus.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yeet

**Himbo Energy** : A walking nuke and the King of Grappling. You all don’t stand a chance against us!

**Emperor Edelgard** **:** From District Three, Ingrid and Caspar

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Someone who finally takes their training as seriously as I do.

**Little King** : You’re all going down!

**Emperor Edelgard** : From District Four, Dorothea and Claude

**memelord** : nice

**Diva Queen** : Could be worse...

**Emperor Edelgard** : From District Five, myself and Ignatz.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Oh?! Okay!

**Emperor Edelgard** : From District Six, Sylvain and Lorenz.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Oh joy.

**Lozzie** : Do not get in my way, Gautier.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Wouldn’t dream of it, Gloucester.

**Emperor Edelgard** : From District Seven, Leonie and Yuri.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Alright! Me and Yuri are going to take you down!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Heh. This should be interesting.

**Emperor Edelgard** : From District Eight, Felix and Hubert.

**felix** : do not interfere with my blade, vestra.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Should you be a hindrance, I will not hesitate to cut you down, Fraldarius.

**Emperor Edelgard** : From District Nine, Petra and Raphael.

**Brigid Pride** : We will get the victory!

**Beefy Boi** : Bring it on!

**Emperor Edelgard** : From District Ten, Constance and Ashe.

**Iced Coco** : Such a low-ranking district is no place for someone like me!

**Ashe** : I’ll... I’ll try my best!

**Emperor Edelgard** : From District Eleven, Hapi and Dedue.

**Sad** : alright

**Dedue** : I will do what needs to be done to secure a victory.

**Emperor Edelgard** : And finally, from District Twelve, Hilda and Dimitri.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : oh hey! i got the prince!

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Good luck, everyone! Let’s make this an exciting match :)

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:01pm]**

**Diva Queen** : Edie?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Sorry! I was just setting everything up!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am ready to go!

**Emperor Edelgard** : The pods leading the tributes into the arena click into place as the countdown begins. The sky above is the same colour as a pumpkin. The sun, resting high in the sky, has a faint pink glow. The cornfields around the Cornucopia sway gently in the breeze as the countdown nears zero. As the sound of horn echoes throughout the area, the mines around the podiums are deactivated and the Hunger Games begin.

**Emperor Edelgard** : During the initial bloodbath, many tributes flee from the ensuing Bloodbath. In fact, nearly all of them chose to do without taking any supplies. Yuri, Lysithea, Ashe, Dimitri, Dorothea, Balthus, Claude, and Annette all run far away. Ferdinand, Hapi, Sylvain, and Felix share some supplies before they flee. The same with Dedue, Lorenz, myself, and Caspar. The only people to stay at the Cornucopia to gather weapons are Constance, who grabs a spear; Hubert, who grabs as much food as he can; Ingrid, who finds a bag of explosives; Ignatz, who also finds a bag of explosives; and Raphael, who finds a sickle. The only death to occur is Petra, who dies at the hands of Leonie. A cannon shot can be heard.

**Brigid Pride** : How rude.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I’m sorry, Petra!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Quite the storyteller, Princess.

**Annie** : Oooh! This is exciting!

**Mercie** : Strange how so many have run away.

**memelord** : we remember what happened last time.

**Bernie** : WHATTT????

**Diva Queen** : Carry on, Edie.

*****

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:05pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : After the lacklustre Bloodbath, the action begins as the tributes try to make sense of their surroundings. The sun doesn’t seem to be following a set pattern as it makes its way over the sky, giving no indication as to the time of day. Around the cornfield is a river that flows blood red. To the south of the field is a maze of ruins from an ancient civilianisation. To the east is a mountain range. To the north is a forest filled with dead and decaying trees. And to the west is clifftop, leading towards a sea that is as red as the river that flows through the area.

**Emperor Edelgard** : After getting into a fight, Constance manages to kill Hapi by bashing her head against a rock several times. She mutters how she does not have the right to do this due to her own weaknesses.

**Sad** : Rude.

**Iced Coco** : You know I do not mean it, Hapi!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ashe, having found a bow and arrow deep within the woods, practices his archery to better hone his skills.

**Dedue** : Accurate. Ashe is always training hard.

**Ashe** : Just doing my best :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ignatz, on his way from fleeing, manages to gravely injure himself. He later bleeds out due to his wounds.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I was never very good at this sort of thing :(

**Emperor Edelgard** : It seems people were unhappy with no few people died during the Bloodbath. Both Hilda and Annette receive hatchets from unknown sponsors.

**Annie** : Who could it be from?!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : probably my brother.

**Emperor Edelgard** : This weird and wonderful arena is home to many animals, which can be hunted for food. Ingrid, sensing that she will need to find some food, does just that.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I apologise to the animals.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Both Dimitri and Caspar take the time to examine the river. It doesn’t appear to be drinkable, and neither of them are willing to test it out. As a trial run, Dimitri sticks a leaf into the river and watches as it instantly dissolves.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Must not fall into the river, then.

**Little King** : Yeah, let’s not.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Almost to show that the water is not drinkable, I receive some drinking water from an unknown sponsor. And, as there is no knowing how cold it will get at night, Ferdinand searches for some useable firewood amongst the forest graveyard.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Damned usable trees!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Felix makes himself a slingshot to help him with his hunting.

**felix** : not quite a blade, but it will be sufficient.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Elsewhere, fights and backstabbing break out. Hubert manages to steal from Lysithea’s meagre supplies when she isn’t looking, Dedue distracts Balthus’s attention to enable him to escape a potential threat, and Raphael pushes Leonie off a cliff during a knife fight.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : What the fuck, Raph?

**Beefy Boi** : I’m sorry! Don’t kill me!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : How can I? You killed me!

**Beefy Boi** : Oh, yeah...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i want my shit back

**Hubert von Vestra** : Too bad. It’s all mine now.

**Emperor Edelgard** : As Dorothea and Sylvain hunt down the others, Yuri receives some explosives from an unknown sponsor. Lorenz and Claude, not trusting the ground, travel up the mountain to get a better view of the arena.

**memelord** : time to spy on some people

**Lozzie** : Safety first!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Me and Dorothea have teamed up?

**Diva Queen** : I suppose you are handy with a lance.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : And someone gives me explosives. How nice of them.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 7:16pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : At night, four cannon shots can be heard. A projector signals all the four people who have died: Petra from District Nine, Hapi from District Eleven, Ignatz from District Five, and Leonie from District Seven.

**Emperor Edelgard** : As night falls, a Bloodmoon rises and shines a dark glow on everything and everything. As they bunker down in their respective hideouts amongst the ruins, Felix and Yuri question their sanity.

**felix** : why am i even here.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Jokes on you. I never had my sanity.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Small camps are set up around the arena. Balthus struggles to get his fire going and ends up sleeping without any warmth. The same happens for Sylvain, who has to rely on a blanket he found amongst the ruins.

**Himbo Energy:** Damn.

**Sylvain Gautier:** Hey, I’m still alive!

**Emperor Edelgard:** Annette, having managed to get her fire started, cooks her food before extinguishing the flames.

**Annie:** I don’t want people to know where I am!

**Emperor Edelgard:** Unable to find somewhere safe to sleep, Dorothea ends up staying awake all night for fear of being killed in her sleep.

**Diva Queen:** This will be a hindrance in the morning.

**Emperor Edelgard:** Ferdinand tries to stay awake, but ends up passing out due to exhaustion. Elsewhere, small factions are being set up. Myself and Raphael form a truce for the night. Ashe and Dedue share a campfire as they tell each other stories about themselves. And Claude, Hilda, Ingrid, Caspar, and Dimitri all sleep in shifts to keep an eye out for danger.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : How shameful that I should pass out like that.

**Beefy Boi:** Me and the Princess? Nothing will harm us now!

**Pegasus Knight 1180:** Ashe and Dedue sticking together is very in character of them.

**Mercie:** I’m glad they are having fun :)

**Annie:** Even the game ships them!

**Marianne <3:** Is... Is anyone dead?

**Bernie:** I hope no one dies tonight!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Out in the cornfield, Lorenz spears Constance in her abdomen.

**Iced Coco:** How dare you!

**Lozzie:** It’s kill or be killed!

**Emperor Edelgard** : And, in the forest, Lysithea tends to her wounds as Hubert cries himself to sleep.

**Hubert von Vestra:** I do no such thing.

**Hubert** **von Vestra:** I never cry. 

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I believe you, Hubie :)

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : do i die?

**Emperor Edelgard:** We shall see as the moon fades away and makes room for a new day. The new day brings about the same orange sky and pale pink sun, but with some blue clouds that promise to bring some rain. Lorenz, fresh from his kill, tries to look for some water.

**Lozzie:** This damned acid river!

**Emperor Edelgard:** Dorothea attacks Felix, but due to her sleep deprivation, he manages to escape.

**Diva Queen:** I knew it was a bad idea to not get any sleep!

**Emperor Edelgard:** Ingrid manages to find some bushes at the foot of the mountain, so camouflages herself amongst them.

**Pegasus Knight** **1180:** It will likely make me stand out even more... 

**Emperor Edelgard:** After recovering from her wounds, Lysithea tries to attack Sylvain. He sprains his ankle as he tries to run away from her.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : better run, boy

**Sylvain Gautier:** I’m trying!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice:** Go on, Lysithea!

**paint** **a** **fluffy little cloud:** Stay alive! 

**Emperor Edelgard:** Hubert goes hunting as Ferdinand picks some flowers.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : How sweet :D

**Hubert von Vestra:** I assume that I am hunting for tributes.

**Emperor Edelgard:** No, because Annette, Yuri, Hilda, Raphael, and Claude are the ones hunting the others. You are hunting the wildlife.

**Hubert** **von Vestra:** Even better. A nice deer to get my teeth sunk into. 

**memelord:** rude.

**Annie:** I don’t want to do this! But I have to!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!:** oh dear. this is going to be messy soon.

**Brigid Pride:** I am hoping that you will be having the success.

**Bernie:** s-same here! don’t kill me! 

**Emperor Edelgard:** Feeling a little homesick, Caspar thinks about home.

**Little King:** When will I return home from the war?

**Linhardt:** Never, if you don’t survive.

**Linhardt:** So stay alive.

**Emperor Edelgard:** Dimitri looks for more firewood for his camp, wandering deep into the forest to do so. He spots Balthus attempting to build a shack out of the decaying wood.

**Himbo Energy:** You never know! It may work.

**Emperor Edelgard:** Despite their bonding last night, Ashe and Dedue get into a fight with myself. I run away as Ashe kills Dedue.

**felix:** bullshit

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : NO!

**Mercie:** That’s not right...

**Annie:** THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN!

**Fresh Prince** **of Faerghus:** Yes, I agree.

**Sylvain Gautier:** Ashe would never kill Dedue.

**Ashe:** I’m sorry, Dedue!

**Dedue:** It is okay. I know you would never do such a thing in real life. Just like how I would never hurt you.

**Emperor Edelgard:** And as the cannons fade away, a siren rings through the area to signal the beginning of the arena event. Clearly not satisfied with the Bloodbath, the Gamemakers cause a tsunami to flood the arena.

**Eyeliner on Fleek:** Shit.

**Ashe:** Oh no!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice:** So soon? It’s only Day Two!

**Bernie:** What happens?!

**Emperor Edelgard:** A rushing torrent of water sweeps through the arena, covering everything in a deep layer of water that is several metres deep. Yuri and Hubert find some debris to float upon, with Yuri tossing Hubert back into the water to make sure he dies. Sylvain is fatally injured on some debris, succumbing to his injuries. Felix holds Balthus’s head under the water to ensure he drowns, and Hilda does the same with Raphael. Myself and Lysithea smash our heads together as the tsunami rolls in, knocking us unconscious as we drown together. Lorenz is swept away by the waves.

**Emperor Edelgard:** In the end, there are ten survivors: Felix, Yuri, Annette, Ingrid, Claude, Dimitri, Caspar, Ashe, Ferdinand, and Dorothea.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice:** Holy shit.

**Merice:** Oh no...

**Marianne <3:** That was brutal.

**felix:** hmph. at least i survived.

**felix:** a shame about sylvain.

**paint** **a fluffy little cloud:** Raphael! 

**Beefy Boi:** Hilda, why?!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg** **Me WoRk!:** i’m sorry! 

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i died because i was an idiot

**Diva Queen:** Edie, no!

I **am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubert!

**Himbo Energy** : Hey, what about me?

**Sad:** rip

**Iced** **Coco:** Rest In Peace.

**Lozzie:** Of course I get swept away. I assume that is a death sentence.

**Bernie:** so many dead...

**Emperor Edelgard:** I can take a breather, if you wish.

**Pegasus Knight 1180:** I think that would be best.

**Fresh Prince** **of Faerghus** : How about we all have some tea? 

**felix** : you’re still bedridden

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : I can still have tea!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:10pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard:** I hope we have all recovered from that event. Let us continue. Nine people died on Day Two, and five Districts have been wiped out: District Two, Five, Six, Nine, and Eleven. Three Districts have one tribute left: Seven, Eight, and Ten. The others still have all their tributes alive.

**Emperor Edelgard:** The night rolls around again, along with the Bloodmoon. Under the light of this moon, Claude sings songs with Ferdinand and Dorothea.

**Diva Queen** : A nice distraction from that awful afternoon.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Yes! A much-needed break!

**memelord** : this is so sad alexa play despacito

**Brigid Pride** : Alexa? What is Alexa? And Despacito?

**memelord** : petra, when this is over, you and i are going to have to have a lesson all about alexa memes.

**Brigid Pride** : I am looking forward to it :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ingrid finds one of the discarded explosives and sets it off, killing Hilda and Caspar.

**Little King:** How dare you! We’re from the same District!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : rude!!

**Pegasus Knight 1180:** It had to be done!

**Emperor Edelgard:** Yuri looks up at the night sky, thinking about when this is going to end. The same with Felix, who thinks about winning. Ashe finds a sturdy tree to rest in, and Dimitri tends to Annette’s wounds. The tension in the arena is tense, because no one knows just what is about to happen. Surely, with one arena event out the way, there won’t be another one?

**Emperor Edelgard:** Day Three brings about some heavy rain from the blue clouds that have been loitering around. The Feast commences, with the Cornucopia being replenished with supplies, food, weapons, and memoirs from the tribute’s families. Of the survivors, only Dimitri, Ferdinand, Yuri, and Ingrid travel. Everyone else skips The Feast for fear of being killed.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus:** Do I get Areadbhar?

**Emperor Edelgard:** I don’t see why not :)

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus:** Excellent. I also bring back Failnaught for Claude.

**Sad:** but you’re from different districts.

**Hubert von Vestra:** Sentimental fool.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice:** Is the rain poisonous?

**Emperor Edelgard:** Amazingly, no. And it appears to be clean water, allowing everyone to have a much-needed drink. After The Feast, Ashe stalks Annette to track her actions and determine the best time to kill her. Dorothea takes the time to explore the arena, trying to find a potential escape route. Yuri overhears Dimitri and Claude talking about a plan to win. Ferdinand is unable to convince Felix to not kill him, and Ingrid makes a wooden spear. She doesn’t realise that Lúin was at the Cornucopia.

**Pegasus Knight 1180:** Damnit! This shoddy wooden spear will have to do.

**Annie:** Only one death.

**Eyeliner on Fleek:** Indeed. Only one death.

**paint** **a** **fluffy little cloud:** Who do you think is going to win? 

**Marianne <3:** Um... I’ll say Claude. He’s the only Golden Deer left alive.

**Beefy Boi:** He is! I’m betting on Claude!

**paint** **a fluffy little cloud:** me too!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice:** The odds are stacked against him, but I think he can pull it off!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you better win!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!:** go claude!

**Annie:** There’s five Blue Lions left! We’re bound to win!

**Mercie:** Yes, that is over half the survivors.

**felix:** the odds are in our favour.

**Sylvain Gautier:** You can do it, guys! Secure a second win for the Blue Lions!

**Dedue:** Ashe can secure a victory.

**Ashe:** Oh, I don’t know about that.

**Linhardt:** It’s now a competition between the houses? Everyone knows that Dorothea has this in the bag.

**Diva Queen** : Thank you, Linhardt.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Victory is assured for the Black Eagles!

**Hubert von Vestra** : You are taking your death remarkably well. 

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I am with you in the afterlife :)

**Emperor Edelgard:** A siren rings out throughout the arena.

**Diva Queen:** WHAT?!?!

**Emperor Edelgard:** A hurricane rushes through the arena, bringing total chaos and destruction. Annette gets sucked into the hurricane, whilst Felix gets decapitated by some debris.

**Mercie:** Oh...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : looks like the lions got too cocky.

**Pegasus** **Knight 1180:** We still have our advantage!

**Emperor Edelgard:** When the winds die down, five more cannon shots can be heard to signal the dead. Only six people are left alive: Ingrid from District Three, Dorothea and Claude from District Four, Yuri from District Seven, Ashe from District Ten, and Dimitri from District Twelve.

**Diva Queen:** Go District Four!

**Emperor Edelgard:** As night falls, the rain is still pouring down. In the ruins, Dorothea and Yuri huddle for warmth. Ingrid gets a hatchet from an unknown sponsor with a message “do what you do best”. Ashe, Claude, and Dimitri discuss the games and what else might be in store for them.

**memelord:** at this rate, who knows?

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus:** With only six people left, something is bound to happen.

**Eyeliner on Fleek:** First time in the games and I am in the top six. Not bad for my first attempt. 

**Iced Coco:** Easy for you to say!

**Sad:** better luck next time.

**Himbo Energy:** I would have won if someone hadn’t killed me.

**Emperor Edelgard:** Day Four. The remaining six are lost and unsure of what to do. Claude finds a building somewhere to question his sanity, as Ashe searches for some fresh water. Ingrid chases after Dorothea with her hatchet, trying to get herself another kill. Dimitri gets medical supplies from an unknown sponsor, and Yuri fishes in the acid river. 

**Eyeliner on Fleek:** This kind of behaviour is only going to lead to more arena events.

**Brigid Pride:** I am feeling the tension in the air.

**Bernie:** Oh no! What will happen!

**Emperor Edelgard:** Nothing happens on Day Four, as no cannon shots can be heard. As the familiar Bloodmoon rises, the remaining six go to the far ends of the arena. Dimitri, nestling in the ruins, stays hidden when he sees a fire. Ingrid and Dorothea call a truce for the night and stay in the cornfield. Claude manages to sleep at the foot of the mountains. Yuri stays away all night in the forest, and Ashe heads to the clifftops, where he loses his balance and falls down to his death.

**Ashe:** D:

**Diva Queen:** Ingrid and I are going to win this thing together. Somehow.

**Emperor Edelgard:** Day Five. The heat within the arena is unbareable, as the pale pink sun turns bright pink. There are no new deaths. It seems that everyone has formed an uneasy truce in the trying times, almost like they would prefer the arena to kill them instead. As another night falls, a single cannon shot can be heard to commemorate the death of Ashe. Everyone sleeps in shifts as they await their inevitable demise.

**Diva Queen:** I don’t know about you, but I am now incredibly depressed.

**Mercie:** Yeah, this isn’t fun anymore.

**Annie:** Everyone’s sad!

**Emperor Edelgard:** Oh, my apologies. I didn’t mean to make everyone feel this way :(

**Hubert von Vestra:** Just get to the end, see who wins.

**Linhardt:** Is there another arena event?

**Little King:** There’s got to be, right? If no one is killing each other?

**Emperor Edelgard:** Indeed there is. That mountain that was on the end of the arena? Turns out it was a volcano.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus:** And it erupts and kills us all?

**Emperor Edelgard:** Not quite. You dip your lance into the lava and kill Ingrid with it.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : WHAT?!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!:** LMAO

**yOu’Re MaKiNg** **Me WoRk!:** WTF

**paint** **a fluffy little cloud:** That is... Not something I saw coming.

**Annie:** Your Highness!

**Mercie:** How could you do such a thing?

**Sylvain Gautier:** We all know that dipping the lance into lava means that Dimitri used Atrocity on Ingrid, right? Complete with his Crest activating?

**felix:** yes.

**Dedue:** So His Highness wins again?

**Emperor Edelgard:** No. The lava ends up killing Dorothea and Yuri, leaving just Dimitri and Claude left behind.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : of course it does.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice:** Really?!

**Lozzie:** It was bound to come to this.

**Marianne <3:** Oh... Who’s going to win?

**Beefy Boi:** Neither of them will want to kill each other.

**paint** **a fluffy little cloud:** what happens now? 

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!:** they fight to the death

**Emperor Edelgard:** Dimitri kills Claude.

**Fresh Prince of Faerghus** : Vetoed!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Claude kills Dimitri.

**memelord** : vetoed!

**Emperor Edelgard** : They... Refuse to kill each other and form a loving relationship within the arena, which prompts everyone to declare them as the first joint winners from different Districts, further unifying Panem?

**memelord** : that’s better.

**Diva Queen** : Edie, a word please?

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 9:04pm]**

**Diva Queen:** Did you alter the game a bit to make sure Dimitri and Claude got to the final two?

**Emperor Edelgard** : I may have changed who wins and dies...

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Who really won?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yuri.

**Hubert von Vestra** : You would rather keep it a secret from him. Don’t want him thinking he is special for winning his first match.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You do realise that I am part of this chat?

**Emperor Edelgard** : ...

**Emperor Edelgard** : Fuck.

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 9:05pm]**

**Seteth** : Professor, I am begging you, do not make this a reality!

**Professor Byleth** : Not even a mock one?

**Seteth** : No!

*

**[House Leader's Group Chat - 9:07pm]**

_**memelord changed his name to dima's bf** _

_**dima's bf changed Fresh Prince of Faerghus's name to claude's** **bf**_

**claude's** **bf** : You feeling alright, Claude? 

**dima's bf** : yep :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [UPDATE!](https://grumpycupcake94.tumblr.com/post/617570191419817984/update-08052020)


	38. The Golden Deer and the Black Eagle Classroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **i wont hesitate, b*tch** : so we’re back to square one
> 
> **dima’s bf** : not quite.
> 
> **dima’s bf** : all will be revealed after class.
> 
> **Beefy Boi** : You’ve solved it already? :O
> 
> **dima’s bf** : ;)
> 
> **dima’s bf** : not really. the culprit, as they usually do, has revealed themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Phew, this one took me forever to write! I wanted to wrap up the Duke Aegir arc and add something fun into the mix, which is how this came about. 
> 
> I'm a big fan of the Professor Layton, Ace Attorney, and Danganronpa games, which you can probably tell xD Any games where I can slowly piece together a puzzle bit by bit is just... *chef's kiss* 
> 
> [Here's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCfpmW6s37U) [some](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJ_xkONg5ek) [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR4P8o95WPA) that I listened to during writing and editing. Hopefully it can get you in the mood!

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:59pm]**

**Seteth** : Good evening, students. Your curfew will soon be active. Please make your way back to your bedrooms. Anyone caught out after curfew will be punished. That is all.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Seteth? Where’s the Professor?

**Seteth** : They are... Otherwise engaged. They asked me to pass on the message to you all.

**Seteth** : They also specified to “call Claude out” about this particular rule.

**dima’s bf** : it’s not like im the only one who sneaks out

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : no, you’re just the one who does it the most.

*

**[Ashen Wolves Group Chat – 1:03am]**

**Sad** : you’re still thinking about your victory, aren’t you yuri bird?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : That I am. And on my first try, too.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : The princess tried so hard to hide it from me.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Yet she forgot that she was the one who added me to the Black Eagle chat in the first place.

**Iced Coco** : How shameful of her to rob you of your rightful victory!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:21am]**

**Seteth** : Claude, I thought I told you not to go out after curfew

**dima’s bf** : wtf it’s not me

**dima’s bf** : im in bed

**dima’s bf** : i swear

**Emperor Edelgard** : Wait, so you heard it to?

**Emperor Edelgard** : The creaking of the floorboards?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I think we all did. Especially as my room is right next to the door leading to the outside.

**felix** : the fuck you on about?

**felix** : i didn’t hear anything

**Marianne <3**: It sounded like someone was trying to be sneaky.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : yeah, and failed

**Little King** : I heard something move in the room next to me! It came to the left, I think.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I am still in my room! I have not moved!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hubert’s room is between mine and Caspar’s. Yet I didn’t hear his door opening or closing.

**Emperor Edelgard** : That can only mean.

**Marianne <3**: Um... Hubert was in Ferdinand’s room and tried to sneak out?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Nonsense!

**Seteth** : Settle down, students. Go back to bed and I will deal with Hubert, if it is indeed Hubert. Or whoever feels the need to roam the corridors in the dead of night.

*

**_[private message from Emperor Edelgard to Hubert von Vestra – 3:30am]_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hubert, what are you doing?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Nothing to worry about, Your Highness.

**Hubert von Vestra** : All will be revealed tomorrow.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Should I be worried?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Not at all.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Sweet dreams :)

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:41am]**

**Linhardt** : What the hell has happened to the Black Eagle classroom?

**Linhardt** : Why is it so...

**Linhardt** : Blue??

**Little King** : Huh?

**Annie** : What???? I thought blue was the colour of the Blue Lions!!

**Bernie** : HUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHH??????????/

**Bernie** : IT WASN’T ME, I SWEAR!!! I STAYED IN MY ROOM ALL NIGHT!!! I DIDN’T VENTURE OUT ONCE!!!

**_Linhardt posted a link: blue_eagles.img_ **

**Linhardt** : I wouldn’t do this.

**Diva Queen** : Oh my... That is quite the decoration change. A rather crude decoration change. The sort of thing that someone with no artistic ability would do.

**claude’s bf** : Hmm? What’s happened to the Black Eagle classroom? Has someone vandalised it?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : They have taken the banners of the Black Eagles and... Changed them to represent those of the Blue Lions. Complete with a drawing of a lion that looks like a three-year-old drew it.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : ...

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Oh dear.

**felix** : what?

**felix** : you think someone would be stupid enough to change the blue lion banners to resemble an eagle?

**Mercie** : But why would someone do such a thing?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Let me just check our classroom.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Holy shit.

**felix** : what?

**Sylvain Gautier** : You know how we have a list of all the class members at the front of the classroom which lists our chores for the week? Someone has added Ferdinand’s name to it underneath in post-it notes.

**Ashe** : Really? :O

**Dedue** : How strange.

**Sylvain Gautier** : It says “Ferdinand von Aegir, future Prime Minister of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus.”

**Annie** : WHAT???????

**Mercie** : We can just move territories across like that??

**Dedue** : I do not think so. Aegir lands are much closer to the Leicester Alliance.

**Brigid Pride** : Then what is it’s meaning?

**Brigid Pride** : And why is the Black Eagle classroom having the decorations of the Blue Lions?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hubert.

**Emperor Edelgard** : A word, please?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Certainly, Lady Edelgard.

*

**[house of memes – 8:50am]**

**dima’s bf** : ah, to be the house leader of the most stable house in the academy

**Beefy Boi** : What do you think’s going to happen?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : isn’t it obvious?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hubert’s going to be put in detention for the rest of the year

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I don’t think Hubert did this.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It doesn’t seem like something he would do.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Yeah, vandalising the Black Eagle classroom like that just isn’t his style. The passive-aggressive post-it note is.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : From what Lady Edelgard has said, he works in the shadows.

**Marianne <3**: Then who could have done it?

**Beefy Boi** : Someone who knows that Ferdinand is temporarily joining the Blue Lions?

**Lozzie** : But that is everyone.

**Lozzie** : Oh, and it is now Tuesday, Claude.

**Lozzie** : You remember our deal.

**_dima’s bf changed Lozzie’s name to Lorenz Hellman Gloucester_ **

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Thank you.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Now, as to who would want to vandalise the Black Eagles classroom, we need to list the possible suspects who would gain from doing this.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I suppose we can rule all of us out. Unless you want to deliberately stir some shit up, Claude.

**dima’s bf** : how dare you. i was in bed all night.

**dima’s bf** : plus i wouldn’t gain anything from doing this

**dima’s bf** : and i was with dima all night. so rule him out.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Wait, are we forming our own detective group?

**Beefy Boi** : Looks like it!

**dima’s bf** : i cant rely on the brotherhood of chaos for this, as most of the group consists of blue lions and black eagles. we’ll have to keep this in house.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you don’t think any of us did it?

**dima’s bf** : why would you?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : fair

**dima’s bf** : if we’re making this investigation official, we need code names.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : we have those, don’t we? from the brotherhood?

**dima’s bf** : i was thinking of new ones to really make this investigation unique to the golden deer.

**dima’s bf** : give me a minute to come up with the nicknames. then we can investigate

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : don’t we have class today?

**dima’s bf** : oh yeah...

**Marianne <3**: Are you feeling better, Claude?

**dima's bf** : i'm not coughing up a lung, so i guess so!

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 9:13am]**

**Annie** : I still can’t believe someone did that to the Black Eagle classroom!

**Mercie** : Indeed. Who would do such a thing?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I am not sure.

**felix** : doesn’t matter.

**felix** : we’re going out training all day.

**felix** : doesn’t bother us.

**Sylvain Gautier** : No doubt Claude will want to investigate.

**claude’s bf** : Indeed. He’s just told me that he’s turned the Golden Deer into a private investigation group.

**Dedue** : I wish him luck.

**Dedue** : If it helps at all, I saw a skid mark on the grass outside my bedroom.

**Ashe** : Oh, that’s right! It was raining last night!

**felix** : so that someone slipped on the wet grass.

**Annie** : They wouldn’t have time to wash their uniform!

**Mercie** : But so many people are wearing the summer outfit today.

**claude’s bf** : I will pass this information onto Claude. Thank you, Dedue.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Are you alright, Ferdinand? You appear to be limping slightly.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I was walking back to my room when I trod on a nail that went through my boot.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Look.

**Mercie** : Oh my! Better keep an eye on it so it doesn’t get infected!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:28am]**

**Seteth** : Students, whilst I do not know who vandalised the Black Eagle classroom, I must say that I am very disappointed in you all. The Black Eagle room is off limits until it has been cleaned.

**Emperor Edelgard** : It is just as well that the Blue Lions are out today, so we have a classroom to learn in.

**dima’s bf** : ah ha!

**dima’s bf** : thanks, princess!

**Emperor Edelgard** : You’re welcome??

*

**[house of memes – 11:01am]**

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : alright, claude. what has you happy that you spent the entire lesson vibrating??

**dima’s bf** : seteth said that the black eagle classroom is out of commission because the vandalism, and then edie said that its just as well that the blue lions are out, leaving their classroom free. 

**dima’s bf** : coincidence

**dima’s bf** : i think not

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : That’s not enough to go on, I’m afraid.

**dima’s bf** : i know

**dima’s bf** : which is why we need to be detectives for the day.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : sweet.

**dima’s bf** : we need to question seteth about what he saw last night during his manhunt, look around the black eagle classroom for clues, compare the handwriting on the post-it note to everyone else’s, and examine the sight of the slip

**Marianne <3**: The slip?

**dima’s bf** : dedue said that he saw that someone had fallen outside his bedroom last night, meaning that their clothing would be covered in mud.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : And their shoes!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It’s definitely worth looking into.

**Himbo Energy** : Hey, just a heads up.

**Himbo Energy** : The Duke has arrived.

**Beefy Boi** : Already? :O

**Himbo Energy** : Yeah, judging by the overuse of red and gold on the carriage that has just pulled up.

**Himbo Energy** : And the excessive amount of armed guards.

**Himbo Energy** : Hot damn, he’s ugly. 

**dima’s bf** : the investigation will have to wait until he leaves. if he catches us in the classroom, he’ll think we’re the ones who did it.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Good idea.

**Himbo Energy** : Ohho! The Princess and Hubert are now running up to greet the Duke.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i seem them!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : ...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : really, balthus?

**Himbo Energy** : What?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : did you really have to scream “you do not see balthus”?

**Himbo Energy** : It worked, right?

**Himbo Energy** : Anyway, the Duke is heading to the classroom right now to see Ferdinand. They haven’t said anything about The Incident.

**dima’s bf** : hold on. i’m on my way now.

**dima’s bf** : this gone be good.

**Himbo Energy** : He’s right there and holy shit, his face is priceless.

**Himbo Energy** : Hubert’s leaned in reeeeeaall close to the Duke and said “Ferdinand is part of the Blue Lions now. He’s thinking about moving the Aegir territory to the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus when you die. The Blue Lions have made him one of them, even inviting him to their training session.”

**Himbo Energy** : And now he’s stormed into the Blue Lions classroom and has been greeted with the confused looks on the Black Eagles.

**Himbo Energy** : And the post-it note. 

**Himbo Energy** : Annnnnd he’s now passed out.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : nice

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : it had to be hubert who vandalised the classroom

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I still don’t think he did it.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : yeah, hubert moves so quietly that there is no way he would make so much noise

**Marianne <3**: I heard it, too.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I did not hear anything last night. I was so tired I didn't stir at all. 

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : We will need to question the Black Eagles. Right now Hubert is the prime suspect for both the vandalisation and the post-it note, but what is someone else was involved?

**Beefy Boi** : What about the Blue Lions? There’s quite a few of them on the ground floor that could have snuck out.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Doesn’t explain the footsteps along the corridor.

**Marianne <3**: I like this. It’s a good mystery for us to solve :)

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : that’s the spirit, marianne! :D

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : are we just going to leave the duke’s body on the ground?

**dima’s bf** : we shall pick this up during lunchtime!

*

**_[private message from Emperor Edelgard to dima’s bf – 11:20am]_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Claude, I know you and the Golden Deer are doing an investigation to get to the bottom of this current mystery. I didn’t hear Hubert’s door open or close last night. The hinges on his door are notoriously loud, and can wake me up even when I am in a dead sleep.

**Emperor Edelgard** : If it was Hubert, he didn’t come from his bedroom.

**dima’s bf** : you think it was ferdie?

**Emperor Edelgard** : I don’t know who it was. However, I will aid you. I am curious about this, as well.

**dima’s bf** : cheers, princess!

**dima’s bf** : oh, and are any of the beagles wearing different uniform?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Most of them are wearing their summer clothing. Why do you ask?

**dima’s bf** : dedue mentioned that he saw a skid mark on the mud outside his bedroom.

**Emperor Edelgard** : So the culprit should have mud on their shoes and clothes.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Apologies, I have to help out with Duke Aegir.

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 11:26am]**

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : How is my father?

**Brigid Pride** : He is being treated at the infirmary. He had a case of the fainting!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : He fainted?!

**Little King** : Yeah, Hubert really scared the shit out of him.

**Linhardt** : Apparently you’re now moving Aegir territory into the Kingdom.

**Bernie** : he really didn’t like that. he reeeeaaalllllly hated it!

**Diva Queen** : Plus us being in the Blue Lion classroom is making him think that Faerghus is absorbing the Empire.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I did what had to be done.

**Diva Queen** : Like vandalising our classroom?

**Hubert von Vestra** : How kind of you to think that I did that. Alas, you are mistaken.

**Bernie** : then who did the painting????

**Bernie** : it definitely wasn't me!!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Who can say?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Indeed. Who can say?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Is my father alright? I know I do not get along with the man, but he is still my father.

**Brigid Pride** : I am hearing that smelling salts can revive a fainted person. This is giving me an idea.

**Diva Queen** : Please do not stick salt up the Duke’s nose.

**Linhardt** : Too late.

**Linhardt** : At least he’s awake now.

*

**[house of memes – 12:15pm]**

**_dima’s bf added Emperor Edelgard to the chat_ **

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : erm... hello?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hello, Golden Deer. I have offered to aid you in your investigation. I firmly believe that we can get to the bottom of this if we put our heads together!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Oh, why are you not the leader of the Golden Deer? We’d get so much stuff done.

**dima’s bf** : we need to split up and look for clues.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Right. The Black Eagle classroom is supposed to be off-limits, but provided no one sees us enter or leave, we should be able to gather the evidence we require. I have the post-it note, so some of you can compare it to the handwriting of the Black Eagles and possibly get a match.

**dima’s bf** : detective victor and detective edmund, that’s your job. ignatz’s keen eye should be able to spot differences in text. and marianne can help him out.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : On it! :D

**Marianne <3**: I’ll do my best!

**Emperor Edelgard** : We should also examine the banners themselves to see if any trace of evidence was left behind.

**dima’s bf** : detectives gloucester and ordelia can do that

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Consider it done. Though we won’t have much time to do it before class.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : we’ll do what we can

**Emperor Edelgard** : Seteth needs to be questioned about what he saw, just so we can clear up any confusion.

**dima’s bf** : detective goneril, you’re a master of sweet-talking. off you pop.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : ugh, fine

**Emperor Edelgard** : And I suppose we should see what happened to the mud-stained clothing. See if we can add or eliminate any suspects.

**dima’s bf** : myself and detective hresvelg are on the case

**dima’s bf** : detective kirsten and detective pinelli, i need you to guard the black eagle classroom to act as lookouts, and question anyone who seems potentially suspicious.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ask Caspar about what he heard last night. He said he heard a commotion in the room next to his.

**Emperor Edelgard** : That would be Ferdinand, but Ferdinand himself is insistent that it wasn’t him.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I guess we’ll soon find out.

**Himbo Energy** : What about me?

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : just chill in the sewers?

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : like you normally do?

**Himbo Energy** : Cheers, Hilda.

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 1:03pm]**

**claude’s bf** : It seems Claude has managed to rope Edelgard into helping him with his inquiry.

**felix** : it’s just like the toilet paper incident

**felix** : except that was solved by flayn outing herself

**felix** : just like the culprit will do this time round

**Sylvain Gautier** : I think that’s what Claude is hoping for.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Whoever it is going to be in serious trouble.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Vandalising a classroom like that.

**Annie** : Who do you think it was? Hubert or Ferdinand?

**Mercie** : Or someone else hoping to pin the blame on them.

**Ashe** : I never thought about that!

**Ashe** : Who would want to frame Ferdinand or Hubert?

**Dedue** : Whoever doesn’t want to be caught.

**claude’s bf** : Ingrid, your bedroom is opposite the stairs leading outside. Did you hear anything?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I only heard someone opening and closing the door once. I heard the footsteps after the door was closed.

**felix** : meaning you heard someone sneak back in.

**Annie** : That’s really important information, Ingrid!

**claude’s bf** : I shall tell Claude right away.

*

**[house of memes – 1:24pm]**

**dima’s bf** : how’s everyone going?

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Sorry, Claude. We couldn’t do much with an empty stomach. Lysithea and I had lunch and we will resume our search after classes have ended. 

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : The handwriting on the note was hard to decipher, but Marianne and I think it comes from Hubert. 

**Emperor Edelgard** : So Hubert wrote the note and left it in the Blue Lion classroom. But did he paint the Black Eagle banners?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : the blue paint tin had been knocked over, so whoever did it should have paint on their clothes and shoes. plus only half the banners were done.

**Emperor Edelgard** : So we have someone with mud on their clothes and someone with blue paint. Claude and I were unable to get into Hubert’s room, so we looked around Ferdinand’s. He seems to have cut himself as his bin is full of bloody tissues. His uniform is also clean, with no signs of mud or paint.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : i asked seteth what he saw, and all he saw was a shadow running back towards the dormitories. he assumed it was claude and left it at that. he didn’t see where they came or where they went.

**dima’s bf** : hmm...

**Emperor Edelgard** : Let us all take a step back. Assume that the creaking floorboard was Hubert returning from leaving the post-it note in the Blue Lion classroom. Claude has told me that Ingrid didn’t hear him leave, but heard him come back. As did many of us, up until he reached Ferdinand’s room. What could have caused his footsteps to suddenly become much heavier?

**Marianne <3**: He was carrying something?

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Or someone.

**Emperor Edelgard** : That is what I am thinking. It’s likely Ferdinand was doing something else, hurt himself, and had to get Hubert to carry him back. It would explain the amount of blood on the tissues.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Then what was Ferdinand doing?

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am not sure. But judging by the lack of blue paint on any of his clothing, I doubt he was the one responsible.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : so we’re back to square one

**dima’s bf** : not quite.

**dima’s bf** : all will be revealed after class.

**Beefy Boi** : You’ve solved it already? :O

**dima’s bf** : ;)

**dima’s bf** : not really. the culprit, as they usually do, has revealed themselves.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:30pm]**

**Annie** : We’re back!

**Annie** : Hello?

**Mercie** : Where is everyone?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I am not sure. Please, excuse me whilst I go see to my father.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Oh, he left not long after Petra stuck salt licks up his nose.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I wouldn’t worry about him.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Indeed.

**dima’s bf** : ah, welcome back blue lions. i need you all in the black eagle classroom

**felix** : what the fuck are you wearing?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Is that my private investigator coat?

**Linhardt** : And what is with the deerstalker hat?

**Little King** : And the pipe?

**dima’s bf** : gather round!

**Diva Queen** : We are all in the same room. You should just talk to us like a normal person.

**dima’s bf** : shush. last night, the most heinous of crimes too place. the black eagle classroom was vandalised, and a post-it note with ferdinand’s name and “goal” was placed in the blue lion classroom. many people heard footsteps creeping along the corridor of the dormitories, ending at the room of one ferdinand von aegir.

**dima’s bf** : however! he is innocent in all of this. rather, he was doing some extra training, and had to be carried back by one hubert von vestra. hubert was coming back from having left the post-it note in the blue lion classroom. 

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : How did you know?!

**Emperor Edelgard** : There was a hole in the sole of one of your boots, along with a bin full of blood-stained tissues. The only people who are strong enough to support you are Dimitri and Hubert.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I... Alright! I was up late doing extra training! I didn’t want to fall behind on the Blue Lions strict training, so I did some work in the training yard. There was a nail on the floor that I stood on, and I limped back to the dormitories. Hubert saw me and carried me back to my bedroom, where he nursed me back to health.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Why didn’t you say anything?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I didn’t want to get into trouble for being out after curfew!

**dima’s bf** : as this was taking place, someone else had snuck into the black eagle classroom with some blue paint. they were someone from the ground floor, who had easy access to the classrooms without being seen or heard.

**dima’s bf** : at first, you might think it was ignatz. ignatz is an artist who has access to paint, is on the ground floor, and his room is near dedue’s where the slip occurred. but you would be wrong.

**dima’s bf** : here’s what happened!

**dima’s bf** : knowing that ferdinand would be temporarily moving to the blue lions classroom, the culprit decided to paint over the black eagle banners. they did this knowing that hubert would be the number one suspect, because of his open hatred towards duke aegir. but, it was not him.

**dima’s bf** : the person entered the classroom and painted on the banners. only the bottom half of the banners were painted, as they were not tall enough to remove them completely. during this, they got spooked and dropped their paint can. fleeing from the scene of the crime as fast as they could, they didn’t take into account the rain which had made the ground incredibly slippery. they fell outside of dedue’s bedroom, and any marks made by the paint or mud were washed away by the rain. 

**dima’s bf** : then, once they were safely inside their room, they hid their clothing away and made sure to wear their summer uniform. everyone else was, so they could blend in with no suspicion. but they made a grave mistake.

**dima’s bf** : they may have hidden their uniform completely out of sight, but they didn’t take into account their paint stained hands. there were traces of blue paint on the inside of their door, and with that small error, they proved that they were the culprit.

**felix** : who was it?

**dima’s bf** : think back to when linhardt first revealed the vandalism. there was someone who immediately denied their involvement before the crime scene was even revealed.

**Mercie** : But that was...

**dima’s bf** : and that person is you!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Bernadetta?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Having a background in forensic science also helps xD I was so close to turning this into a mock murder mystery. 
> 
> I'm also in the process of writing my own murder mystery novel! :D
> 
> I hope this all makes sense to everyone reading it. It makes sense to me, but that's because it came from my head D:
> 
> No update today, as I'm feeling good :D


	39. Preparations Are Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[House Leaders Group Chat – 5:30pm]**
> 
> **claude’s bf** : Have we bitten off more than we can chew?
> 
> **dima’s bf** : no, course not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> I have a new update at the end of the chapter!
> 
> Have some [music.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjBHuL3nhqw)

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:40pm]**

**Seteth** : Bernadetta? You were the one who vandalised the Black Eagle classroom?

**Bernie** : aaaaAAAAGHHHH!! NO IT WASN’T ME

**Bernie** : AND YOU CAN’T PROVE IT WAS ME!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Bernadetta, we found blue paint and mud all over your clothing and on the inside of your door.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : That is certainly incriminating evidence!

**Linhardt** : And you startle so easily, which would explain how you dropped the paint in a blind panic.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Unless someone was trying to frame you?

**Bernie** : no... it was me

**Bernie** : I’M SO SORRY PLEASE DON’T KICK ME OUT!!

**Seteth** : I am not angry, Berndetta. Just curious as to why you did it.

**Bernie** : i... iiiiiiiiii... iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

**Bernie** : I’M SORRY!!!!

**Diva Queen** : And there she goes.

**Diva Queen** : We won’t know until she’s calmed down.

**claude’s bf** : For now, shall we focus on cleaning the classroom up? We’ll need to remove the banners and give them a thorough cleaning.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : If it’s the type of paint used on walls, I don’t think it will wash out.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Everything may need to be replaced.

**Seteth** : Yes, I fear the Black Eagle classroom may be out of commission for some time. And now that the Blue Lions are back, we will have to do what we did when the Professor was absent.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Split up the Black Eagles into the Golden Deer and Blue Lions? Claude has already added me into the Golden Deer chat, so I will join them. As will Hubert.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yeet

**Brigid Pride** : I would also be liking to join the deers. Claude and I can be creating the memes.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Oh no.

**dima’s bf** : join us!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I am in with the Blue Lions. Who shall join me?

**Little King** : I’ll join you. Right, Lin?

**Linhardt** : Sure, why not?

**Diva Queen** : Obviously I’ll be with Edie. Which leaves Bernie with the Blue Lions, when she eventually comes out of her room.

**Seteth** : I will go deal with Bernadetta. Black Eagles, acquaint yourself with your new classmates and retrieve your books from your classroom.

**Iced Coco** : What about Yuri and myself? Balthus and Hapi are with the Deer and the Lions respectively. Where shall we go?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I don’t mind sitting this one out.

**Iced Coco** : Nonsense! We need to join in to ensure we get our education!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Fine. I’ll go with the Lions.

**Iced Coco** : And I shall be joining the Golden Deer! The golden colour is going to become even more shimmery now that I, Constance von Nuvelle, am an honorary member!

**Sad** : good luck deer

**Sad** : you’ll need it

**Iced Coco** : Rude!

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 3:45pm]**

**_claude’s bf added Linhardt, Little King, Bernie, and Eyeliner on Fleek to the chat_ **

**claude’s bf** : Welcome, Linhardt, Caspar, Bernadetta, and Yuri. You will find that we are a close-knit bunch and I can only hope that you will feel included pretty soon :)

**Mercie** : Hello :) It’s so nice to see you all here.

**Annie** : Yeah! More people to practice magic with!

**Linhardt** : Fascinating. Nearly everyone here has a Crest. Felix even has a Major Crest.

**felix** : get away from me

**Linhardt** : I promise you this won’t hurt.

**Linhardt** : Same with you, Hapi.

**Sad** : don’t you dare

**Linhardt** : Yuri?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Not in a million years.

**Little King** : Hey! Who’s ready to get some serious training done!

**Sylvain Gautier** : That would be Felix.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I am always open for a new sparring partner. It so rare to find someone willing to train.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : A shame that Hubie could not join us. I do understand that he has to stay by Lady Edelgard’s side.

**Dedue** : Such is the role of a vassal.

**Ashe** : You’ll still see him around, right?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Naturally! He spends his nights asleep on my floor :3

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : He says that the mattresses are too soft for his back.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : That’s... Oddly romantic?

**Annie** : And kinda weird...

**Mercie** : So long as he’s comfortable :3

**claude’s bf** : Claude and I had to get a double duvet so we wouldn’t fight over it. His bed is slightly bigger than mine, so I spend most night there.

**claude’s bf** : He does have the tendency to kick me in his sleep, though.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : That is less romantic.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : At least you do not have to share a dormitory with Balthus. The man snores so loudly he could wake up the dead.

**Sylvain Gautier** : So does His Highness.

**claude’s bf** : Do I? I was not aware of this.

**claude’s bf** : I shall ask Claude about this.

**felix** : you know he’ll say no

**felix** : just saying

*

**[house of memes – 3:47pm]**

**_dima’s bf added Hubert von Vestra, Diva Queen, Brigid Pride, and Iced Coco to the chat_ **

**Himbo Energy** : Huh, new people?

**Himbo Energy** : Constance?!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : uh, yeah

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : didn’t you read the main chat???

**dima’s bf** : golden deer, assemble!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : here!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : here

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’m here!

**Beefy Boi** : Right here! :D

**Marianne <3**: Oh, I’m here :)

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Here!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : ...

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Here.

**Diva Queen** : I’m here now :)

**Hubert von Vestra** : Here.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am also here.

**Iced Coco** : Is this how you treat us? Like a bunch of naughty school children?!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Finally, someone gets it!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Just say “here” so we can move on.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : he won’t let it drop until you do it

**Iced Coco** : Here.

**dima’s bf** : thank you!

**Brigid Pride** : I am here!

**Brigid Pride** : Is this the traditional golden deer greeting?

**dima’s bf** : nope, this is the traditional golden deer greeting.

**Diva Queen** : Oh Gods, what are they doing?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Is it too late to swap houses?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Just let them have their fun.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Trust me, this is how he greets us every day before class.

**Beefy Boi** : Not all the time. Only when we’re all early.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : You’ll soon pick it up :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : We should go collect our books and move them into our desks.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Mind the paint.

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 5:01pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : How are we all settling into our new classes? I know this feels a bit strange, but it may do us some good to mingle in with new people.

**Little King** : His Highness is... Different.

**Little King** : He just radiates a different aura.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Meaning?

**Linhardt** : You can approach His Highness for a cup of tea. We feel like we need a written invitation to have tea with you.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Am I really that unapproachable?

**Diva Queen** : Of course not, Edie!

**Brigid Pride** : I would be liking the tea with you :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : I am sorry that I ever gave the impression of not being approachable. It was really not my intention!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I hope you will not hesitate to come to me if you need anything!

**Little King** : ‘Course I will!

**Brigid Pride** : We are being in the same class. Will I report to you or to Claude?

**Emperor Edelgard** : For now, I suppose you can go to Claude. But when we return to our own classroom, do not be afraid to ask me for help. It is what I am here for, as your House Leader.

**Brigid Pride** : You are a calming presence :)

**Hubert von Vestra** : Unlike Claude, who seems to radiate chaos from his very being.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Ugh, what now?

**Hubert von Vestra** : The main chat is exploding.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:10pm]**

**Seteth** : Bernadetta has explained everything to me. She was hoping that if it appeared as though Ferdinand had moved to the Blue Lions, Duke Aegir would leave his post, which might inspire her father to do the same.

**Emperor Edelgard** : She wanted to dismantle the nobility that badly?

**Annie** : Huh...

**Annie** : Is she okay?

**Seteth** : She is as well as can be.

**Annie** : I’ll go visit her! :D

**Marianne <3**: Oh, me too! She might want some company.

**Seteth** : Thank you, girls. Now, I have to go and assess the damage. Bernadetta will not be punished for what she did. I have just asked her to take some time out to think about what she has done.

**Seteth** : That is all.

**Little King** : Poor Bernie.

**Mercie** : I’ll go make her a pot of tea.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Maybe we shouldn’t all crowd around her at once.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Agreed. Give her the space she needs whilst supporting her from afar.

**Beefy Boi** : What shall we do in the meantime?

**dima’s bf** : i have an idea

**dima’s bf** : golden deer, assemble!

**Iced Coco** : Not again!

*

**[house of memes – 5:14pm]**

**dima’s bf** : right, hear me out

**dima’s bf** : golden deer d&d session

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : d&d?

**Beefy Boi** : It’s Dungeons and Dragons, right? Can we really make our characters?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I don’t see why not :) I think it’ll be a nice thing to do in between classes.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Interesting. However, I fear that there are too many people on this chat for it to work.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I can run one for the Black Eagles?

**Emperor Edelgard** : And Dimitri can for the Blue Lions?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It sounds fun!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : sure, why not?

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : so, do we have to make our characters???

**dima’s bf** : it’s super easy!

**dima’s bf** : there’s an online thingy that creates them for you.

**dima’s bf** : get to it, and i’ll go tell dima

**Himbo Energy** : Shall I do it?

**Iced Coco** : We can have a bit of fun, can we not?

**Iced Coco** : Though we should stick with the Ashen Wolves. I have a feeling it shall be less chaotic.

**dima’s bf** : yeah, you’re probably right

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 5:20pm]**

**claude’s bf** : Claude has just informed me that he is hosting a Golden Deer Dungeons&Dragons session. Would anyone here be interested in a Blue Lions version?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Hell yeah!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You are not seducing the monster.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Ingrid!!

**Sylvain Gautier** : You’re ruining my ambitions!

**felix** : sure

**Ashe** : I’m not sure what to do!

**Dedue** : It seems simple enough. Listen to the DM tell the story and roll the dice when needed.

**Annie** : I’ll create my character now!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Edelgard is in the process of explaining to the Black Eagles on our chat. I shall join with her, if that is alright?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I’ll start my own mini one with the Ashen Wolves. Clear some of the load.

**Little King** : Sorry! It just feels like there are too many people on here for one DM to handle!

**claude’s bf** : No worries! I’ll likely be sharing story ideas with Edelgard and Claude soon :)

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 5:30pm]**

**claude’s bf** : Have we bitten off more than we can chew?

**dima’s bf** : no, course not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Update!](https://grumpycupcake94.tumblr.com/post/618675370399580160/screams-into-the-void)
> 
> Sorry for making you all wait for something so... Lackluster :/
> 
> I've signed my life away at work and the UK is experiencing a heatwave. 
> 
> I do not do well in the heat. 
> 
> I will happily take a freak blizzard right about now.


	40. The (Mis)Adventures of the Black Eagle Strike Force

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Emperor Edelgard** : The arrow just misses Ferdinand as he draws everyone’s attention to the sniper now loading up another arrow.
> 
> **Hubert von Vestra** : My time has arrived.
> 
> **Hubert von Vestra** : Eldritch Blast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> I wrote this off the back of two eight hour shifts, so sorry if it's not exactly perfect! I tried! D:
> 
> I also took some creative liberties, in that there are no modifiers or anything like that. Just straight spells and such. Hope you all enjoy!
> 
> *
> 
> Here's everyone's races and classes:
> 
> **Hubert** : Tifeling Warlock  
>  **Dorothea** : Elf Bard  
>  **Linhardt** : Half Elf Cleric  
>  **Petra** : Woof Elf Druid  
>  **Bernie** : Human Ranger  
>  **Caspar** : Dwarf Barbarian  
>  **Ferdinand** : Human Paladin
> 
> *
> 
> For the maximum experience, I listened to the Elder Scrolls VI [soundtrack](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhOEn7Xl8as) as I was writing. It seemed fitting for a place that has the Imperial City. Because Empire, and Adrestian Empire, and Black Eagles... 
> 
> I'll see myself out.

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 6:01pm]**

**Bernie** : um... hi????

**Diva Queen** : Bernie! We were worried about you!

**Brigid Pride** : How are you feeling?

**Bernie** : okay... seteth had a chat with me. he was really nice!!!!!

**Linhardt** : Are you still in your room?

**Bernie** : yesss.... is that okay???? i still want to play d&d with you!!!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : You are just in time, Bernadetta. I admit that this is the first time I’ve done such a thing, so apologies if I miss anything out! In place of dice, we can use a random number generator to get the numbers we need. I am trusting you to not cheat!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Because I am not the best GM in the world, we are not doing modifiers or anything like that. I want to focus on the fun side of it :D So those who have magic, choose two cantrips and two level one spells. If you do not have a cantrip, pick another level one spell. Those without spells can just focus on constitution rolls.

**Little King** : I don’t have magic. I don’t need to when I can just punch everything with my fists!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Alright, off we go! The party, which consists of a tiefling warlock, a human paladin, a half elf cleric, a dwarf barbarian, a wood elf druid, a human ranger, and an elf bard, arrive at arrive at an inn that is busy with patrons drinking and enjoying themselves. You are a large party of colourful people, yet no one pays you any notice. The circular tables are constructed of what appears to be second hand wood, and are covered in stains from the numerous alcoholic beverages that have never been properly cleaned up. The barmaid slides pints of ale and mead to the customers waiting to be served, not bothering to take their orders. You all see a table meant for eight people, currently being occupied by two people who show no intention of moving as they drink their twelfth pint between them. There are no other free tables that can fit your massive party. What do you do?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Cast Eldritch Blast on them.

**Diva Queen** : What?!!

**Linhardt** : That is a bit extreme. I was merely going to blast them with some sacred flame.

**Hubert von Vestra** : They are a nuisance and must be removed. Eldritch Blast.

**Emperor Edelgard** : No. You have only just started. No Eldritch Blast until later. What else do you want to do?

**Diva Queen** : I will attempt to charm one of them into moving.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Roll me a 1d20. They don’t know you’re there, so you only need to beat, say, a seven.

**Diva Queen** : Eleven!

**Emperor Edelgard** : One of them drops their ale mug on the floor, their eyes glossed over as in a daze. The other one carries on drinking, unaware of what is happening. Dorothea, what do you say to the man who is now under your spell?

**Diva Queen** : Hello, handsome. Will you be a dear and please move so my comrades and I can use this table? We’re a big party, you see, so we need this table. Pretty please?

**Emperor Edelgard** : The dazed and confused man nods his head and gets up from the stool, standing slightly hunched over. Drool starts forming from his mouth as he rocks backwards and forwards in a hypnotised manner. His friend is too drunk to notice what is happening. The charm lasts for an hour, so he is your friend for that time being.

**Diva Queen** : Oh! Okay! I tell the man “I think your friend has had one too many drinks. Maybe it’s time you both went home to recover?”

**Emperor Edelgard** : The man nods and drags his comrade away, deaf to his protesting. The table is now empty except for the mugs of ale and mead left over.

**Diva Queen** : I cast presdiginatination. However you spell it.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Prestidigitation. And what you want to do with it?

**Diva Queen** : I will clean the table!

**Emperor Edelgard** : You successfully cast the spell and just like the magic, all the mugs have vanished. So have, as it turns out, the stains on the wood. Now the table looks as clean as when it was first bought. As you are all settling down, the barmaid wanders over to your table with two trays on mead in her hands.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I go to help her with one of the trays.

**Emperor Edelgard** : She says “Oh, thank you so much for helping me with those ruffians. They always come in here and drink my entire stock, and then walk off without paying the tab! Perhaps you could help us out with our bandit problem?”

**Hubert von Vestra** : Bandit problem?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Oh, yes! There are several bandits that regularly come into town and cause all sorts of chaos. We have tried to stop them, but they keep coming back! Their hideout is just outside of town, in an old fishing factory. Please, can you help us out?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Of course, fair lady! It is the duty of a nobleman to help those in need!

**Diva Queen** : Oh great...

**Bernie** : oh no... are we going to be okay?

**Little King** : We’ll be fine! No bandits can escape from my axe! Hyah!

**Linhardt** : I’ll stay back and act as support.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Then it is settled! We shall go after these bandits and save the town!

**Emperor Edelgard** : You finish up your drinks and leave the tavern. The barmaid insists that the drinks are on the house, and promises another round one you clean out the bandits. She tells you that the leader always has a ruby red dagger on him. To prove that the bandits have been dealt with, you need to bring it back. So, off you go towards the bandit hideout. The time is about half two in the afternoon, with the streets full of activity. You all navigate the people trying to sell their wares and reach the outskirts. In the distance, next to a large lake and somewhat hidden by a forest, is a decrepit old building. When you all get closer, you see that spikes with heads on have been shoved into the ground as a warning to all those who would dare trespass. I want you all to roll me a 1d20 for a perception check. It’s may be a pristine day, but the building is still partially covered by trees so I need you to beat an eleven. 

**Hubert von Vestra** : 13

**Diva Queen** : A 6 :(

**Little King** : 3 D:

**Linhardt** : 13, like Hubert

**Bernie** : i got a seven!!

**Brigid Pride** : I am only having the two

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Twenty! :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : Dorothea, Caspar, Bernie, and Petra, you don’t see anything out of the ordinary save for the building. Hubert and Linhardt, you see that there are arrows embedded in the ground. Ferdinand, however, you spot, hiding in the trees, an archer with an arrow aimed directly at you.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I leap out of the way and point the man out to the others.

**Emperor Edelgard** : The arrow just misses Ferdinand as he draws everyone’s attention to the sniper now loading up another arrow.

**Hubert von Vestra** : My time has arrived.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Eldritch Blast.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Very well. You have only just spotted him and he has his sights on you, plus he is about twenty feet higher than you, so you are looking to beat a fifteen with 1d20.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Sixteen >:)

**Diva Queen** : Nice on, Hubie!

**Little King** : Go get him!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Now I need you to roll me a 1d10 to work out how much damage the man takes.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It’s not a ten, unfortunately. I only rolled an eight.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : That is still enough :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hubert fires off a blast of lightning from his fingers, striking the man square in the chest. His muscles spasm with the electricity flowing through his body, causing him to drop his bow and fall from his watchpoint. As he falls, smoke starts to rise from his body.

**Hubert von Vestra** : He won’t be getting up any time soon.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Indeed. The spell might not have killed him, but the fall definitely did. Now you have the guard out the way, all of you roll me another perception check. You are now all alert, so add one to your score and you need to beat a ten.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Ten

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Eight

**Linhardt** : Four.

**Brigid Pride** : I am rolling the nineteen!

**Bernie** : six :(

**Diva Queen** : Sixteen! Yay!

**Little King** : 3. Just my luck.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hubert, Dorothea, and Petra. The three of you spot a hoard of angry bandits charging at you with their weapons raised. We techincally are in combat, so you all need to roll 1d20 to determine your starting order. Hubert, you rolled exactly ten, so you don’t have an advantage or disadvantage. Ferdinand, Bernie, Caspar, and Linhardt, you need to minus one off your score for being startled. Dorothea and Petra, you get to add one to your score for noticing the bandit attack. All of you roll your 1d20!

**Hubert von Vestra** : So much rolling.

**Diva Queen** : Just roll with it, Hubie. I got twelve!

**Bernie** : I... I GOT EIGHTEEN! I ROLLED A NINETEEN AND TOOK ONE OFF!!!!!

**Little King** : I am having the worst luck with his. I got an eight :(

**Linhardt** : Better than me.

**Linhardt** : I got a one.

**Linhardt** : Without the disadvantage.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ouch. That is a critical failure, I’m afraid.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Eleven!

**Brigid Pride** : I am having the thirteen :D

**Hubert von Vestra** : Ugh.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Nine.

**Emperor Edelgard** : So the running order will go Bernadetta, Petra, Dorothea, Ferdinand, Hubert, Caspar, and then Linhardt. Bernadetta, the bandits are rapidly approaching. What will you do?

**Bernie** : iii...

**Bernie** : I CAST FOGCLOUD!!

**Diva Queen** : That will disorient them! Well done, Bernie!

**Emperor Edelgard** : At Bernadetta’s word, a mass of fog spreads out over the area, engulfing a 20-foot radius. They can’t see you and you can’t see them. Petra, your turn.

**Brigid Pride** : I am casting Fairie Fire! I will be lighting them up in a violet glow so we can see them amongst the fog!

**Emperor Edelgard** : As Petra casts her magic, the outlines of five people stumbling around in the fog can be seen. Dorothea, what will you do?

**Diva Queen** : Oh my. I guess I can cast a Thunderwave spell. 

**Emperor Edelgard** : That will also affect your fellow travellers who are standing right next to you. 

**Diva Queen** : Never mind. Vicious Mockery? See if I can’t get one of them to take some psyche damage?

**Emperor Edelgard** : You cast Vicious Mockery. What would you like to say to your target?

**Diva Queen** : You ain’t shit!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Dorothea! I have not heard you say such language before!

**Emperor Edelgard** : One of the outlines falls to the ground on their hands and knees, seemingly wounded. Both Bernadetta’s and Petra’s spells dissipate, revealing some very confused bandits. Now that the fog has cleared, you can see that there, in fact, ten bandits including the one on the floor. They still have not engaged completely with you, so we move straight onto Ferdinand’s turn.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I will Command the bandit who has fallen on the floor to Flee at once!

**Emperor Edelgard** : The bandit on the floor scrambles to his feet and he flees into the woods. He’s limping slightly, having sprained an ankle during Dorothea’s attack. The rest of the bandits all now turn their attention back to you and resume charging straight towards you. Hubert, dare I ask what you want to do?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I thought you’d never ask. I point my finger at the nearest bandit and cast Hellish Rebuke.

**Little King** : That... Sounds painful.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Of course. Roll me 1d20 to see if it lands. They are moving, so I’m looking for a thirteen.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Fourteen.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Only just.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Now roll me 2d10.

**Linhardt** : Not even the bones will remain if the spells hits them. 

**Hubert von Vestra** : Eighteen, and six. Twenty-four points of damage.

**Emperor Edelgard** : The man, armed with only an iron axe, is immediately consumed by hellfire. The others stop in their tracks and watch in complete terror as the bright red flames burn off the man’s flesh and reduce him to charred bones. All that is left are a pile of smouldering remains. He’s as good as dead. And, due to this, the others are distracted. And horrified. Caspar, your turn.

**Little King** : Alright! I charge straight for one of them and whack them with my greataxe!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Roll me a 1d12. They’re kind of distracted by the sudden and fiery death of one of their own, so you only need to beat a six.

**Little King** : Hell yeah! Eleven! That's what I'm talking about!

**Emperor Edelgard** : You charge forward and swing your axe, lodging it straight into the knee of one of the men. Due to the force of the swing, you nearly take his leg clean off. You manage to yank your axe free just as the man falls down, clutching his partially removed limb and screaming bloody murder. Some of the men are starting to back away from you, clearly afraid. Linhardt, your turn.

**Linhardt** : I used Thaumaturgy to amplify my voice. I simply say “Leave.”

**Emperor Edelgard** : Your booming voice echoes around the area, scaring everyone in dropping their weapons and sprinting back towards the fishing warehouse. They leave behind the heavily bleeding man who is slowly losing consciousness. You realise that this man has dropped a ruby red dagger.

**Brigid Pride** : He is being the leader!

**Emperor Edelgard** : It is safe to say that combat is over, so all actions are now free for anyone to do.

**Linhardt** : Ugh... Blood. I cast cure wounds on the injured man.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Roll me a 1d20. I need a five or more, because he's not exactly moving.

**Linhardt** : I rolled a ten.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Now roll me a 1d8.

**Linhardt** : Two.

**Emperor Edelgard** : You do very little to save the dying man, and he soon dies in a pool of his own blood, his nearly severed leg slowly oozing out the last traces of blood that is pumping round his body.

**Little King** : Whoops.

**Diva Queen** : We’ve dealt with the leader, and taken a couple out, but what’s to stop the others from striking a retaliation?

**Bernie** : I don’t want to face them again!!!!

**Hubert von Vestra** : There is a very simple solution. We burn down their hideout with them inside.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubert!

**Brigid Pride** : That is definitely a way of dealing with them!

**Little King** : It’s something...

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : How do we do it, then?

**Hubert von Vestra** : We wish to approach the building to see what is it like.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Before doing that, I pick up the ruby dagger.

**Emperor Edelgard** : You cautiously approach their hideout. It’s an old, wooden, two-story building that looks like it has seen better days. It will not take long for it to burn down due to its condition.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Perfect. I wish to cast Hellish Rebuke on the building.

**Diva Queen** : We’re really doing this, huh? Alright, I’ll help out. I’ll cast Thunderwave, making sure no one stands near me. Everyone, stand well away from me.

**Linhardt** : I suppose I could do Guiding Bolt, if it means ending this quickly.

**Brigid Pride** : I will do a Produce Fire!

**Bernie** : I’ll sit on the sidelines and watch!!!

**Little King** : Same. Not like I can cast magic.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : None of my spells are purely offensive. I shall sit this one out and watch.

**Emperor Edelgard** : All of you roll me a 1d20. It’s not going to be difficult, because, well... It’s a large building. It’s not hard to miss. A five is all I need.

**Hubert von Vestra** : 17.

**Diva Queen** : I got fifteen!

**Brigid Pride** : I am having the eighteen!

**Linhardt** : I’ve got sixteen.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Now, Hubert, I need you to roll me another 2d10. Dorothea, roll me 2d8. Petra, 1d8. And Linhardt, 4d6.

**Little King** : Holy shit! There won’t be any building left!

**Hubert von Vestra** : 5, and 2. Not my greatest roll, I must admit.

**Diva Queen** : Doesn’t matter! I got a six and a seven!

**Brigid Pride** : Just a three from me.

**Linhardt** : 3, 5, 5 again, and 6.

**Emperor Edelgard** : You all do a combined total of 42 damage. Hubert’s hellfire spreads from his fingertips and strikes the building, lighting the walls. Petra adds fire to the... Fire, by igniting the ground around. Dorothea casts a wave of thunder, which rocks the building and causes it to begin to collapse. Linhardt’s bolt of lightning delivers the finishing blow. The old fishing warehouse, now fully engulfed in flames, collapses to the ground, killing all those trapped inside.

**Diva Queen** : We did it, even if our methods weren’t exactly fair.

**Hubert von Vestra** : A victory is a victory, no matter how we look at it. Now, to return to town with the dagger.

**Emperor Edelgard** : You all turn around to head back to town, leaving the burning building and corpses on the ground. The townsfolk all point to the smoke now high in the sky, worried as to what is burning. Ferdinand presents the ruby dagger, a sign that the bandits have been dealt with. Everyone cheers that their bandit problem has been dealt with. The barmaid treats you to free drinks on the house, and the mayor of the town welcomes you as honoured guests, telling you that you will always be welcome to return.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thus ends your first adventure.

**Diva Queen** : We did it!

**Little King** : That was fun!

**Bernie** : thank you lady edelgard!!!11

**Brigid Pride** : Will we be doing this again?

**Emperor Edelgard** : If you want to :)

**Hubert von Vestra** : That was... Fun.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I did not do much. Though it was fun to see everyone else enjoy themselves.

**Diva Queen** : You got us this quest in the first place, Ferdie :D You said you would defeat those bandits, and you found that sniper!

**Emperor Edelgard** : You all did brilliantly :D

**Diva Queen** : You were good too, Edie! :D:D

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : I wonder how the other houses are getting on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, the Blue Lions and there (mid)adventures. 
> 
> Now to collapse onto my bed because I have been up since half six this morning and I'm about to pass out.
> 
> (Just to clear up confusion, the two people Dorothea charmed away were not part of the bandit group.)


	41. The (Mis)Adventures of Team Blue Lions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **claude’s bf** : The axe just scrapes the vampire, not enough to hit them but enough to startle them. Mercedes, your turn.
> 
> **Mercie** : Inflict Wounds :3
> 
> **Sylvain Gautier** : What the fuck, Mercedes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO LONG
> 
> You know when you sit down and start writing, and before you know it five hours have passed and you're at four and half thousand words? Yeah, that happened. 
> 
> Brace yourselves. 
> 
> I was torn between what music to use for this adventure. I wanted to use the Skyrim soundtrack, because its about a nation trying to fight off an Empire, much like the Azure Moon route. But it also one of the meme-iest games ever made, which made it perfect for the Golden Deer.
> 
> HOWEVER! I have found something even MORE meme-y for the Golden Deer, so have some [Skyrim.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aK4JSwhdcdE)
> 
> The classes: 
> 
> **Dedue** : Human Fighter  
>  **Felix** : Human Rogue  
>  **Sylvain** : Half-Orc Warlock  
>  **Ingrid** : Human Paladin  
>  **Annette** : Half-Elf Wizard  
>  **Ashe** : Human Ranger  
>  **Mercedes** : Half-Elf Cleric

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 6:05pm]**

**claude’s bf** : Thank you everyone for submitting your characters in. I, along with my fellow houseleaders, have decided to play our own homebrew version. Instead of having proficiency bonuses and things like that, we will simplify things down :). Those who have access to spells, you can have two cantrips and two level one spells, or three spells if you do not have a cantrip. In place of dice rolling, we will be using a random number generator. Please don’t cheat, as it will ruin the fun. Everyone ready? Let’s get started :D

**claude’s bf** : You are all part of a team of warriors who have been hired to take out a vampire clan. The vampires have been feeding on a small town for about a week, and the mayor has had enough. He made sure to hire seven of the strongest people in the land and form a team. These include: a human fighter, a human rogue, a human paladin, a dwarf ranger, a half-elf cleric, a half-elf wizard, and... A half-orc warlock.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Yo!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Of course you’re the half-orc warlock. And I know that the rogue is Felix.

**felix** : hmph. naturally.

**claude’s bf** : The sun is setting as you are gathered round a table in the local tavern. The place is deadly quiet, as everyone is too afraid to venture out at night due to the vampires. The barmaid has bolted the door and windows shut and is in the process of preparing for the night as you discuss your plans for dealing with the threat. What do you do?

**felix** : i say we should go after them.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Felix, that’s suicide! We cannot just charge into their den. We’ll be killed! We don’t even know where their den is.

**Annie** : We cannot just let them attack the townsfolk again. We’ve been hired to protect them.

**Dedue** : Perhaps we could try and find one to question where its base is.

**Mercie** : Will it really give up the information that easily?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Sure it will. Once you know how to question it.

**Ashe** : That’s dark :O

**Sylvain Gautier** : They’re vampires. They don’t know morals.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Spoken like a true warlock.

**claude’s bf** : All of you, roll me a perception check on a 1d20. The inn is quite dim, so you need to beat, say... A twelve.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Five. Shit.

**Annie** : 12! :D

**Mercie** : 13 :)

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : 20!

**Dedue** : I have 19.

**Ashe** : 15!!!

**felix** : 18

**Sylvain Gautier** : Man, you got the good rolls. I got the crap ones.

**claude’s bf** : Everyone except Sylvain, you notice that something is off with the barmaid. She's standing in the corner, giggling away to herself. She twitches slightly, and turns to face the table you are gathered around. Fangs protrude from her mouth, saliva dribbling down her chin. She launches across the room towards your table. Roll me another 1d20 to escape. Because you notice her, you gain one advantage. Sylvain, you have one disadvantage because you didn’t see her attacking until it’s too late.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Damn it. What do I need to beat?

**claude’s bf** : She’s pretty fast, so a fifteen.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Oof.

**felix** : eleven.

**Annie** : Nineteen!!!!

**Mercie** : Nine. Oh my...

**Dedue** : I got a two. I am sorry.

**Ashe** : Fourteen! So close.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Eighteen.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Oh yeah! Seventeen!

**claude’s bf** : Annette and Ingrid manage to dodge out the way of the vampire hurling herself towards the group. Ashe and Felix, whilst they avoid initial attack, are struck by a couple of chairs that were knocked over, stunning them and causing them to fall to the ground. Mercedes gets a slight cut from the vampire’s nail, and Dedue gets the full brunt of the vampire as he uses his body to shield Sylvain. You are all now officially in combat, so roll me 1d20 to determine the order you start in. Annette and Ingrid, as you got out the way in time, add one to your score. Ashe, Felix, and Mercedes, you are slightly stunned so subtract one from your score. Dedue and Sylvain, I’m sorry, but the vampire’s attack on you has made you lose focus. Subtract two from your score.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Oh dear... It’s one vampire, though. We should be okay provided we don’t screw up the rolls.

**Annette** : Seven D:

**Sylvain Gautier** : Oh dear.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Twenty!

**felix** : nine.

**Ashe** : Eighteen!

**Mercie** : Oh dear. I’m not doing too well. I only have a six.

**Dedue** : Seventeen.

**Annie** : YAY!!!!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Eleven. Not too bad...

**claude’s bf** : The running order goes: Ingrid, Ashe, Dedue, Sylvain, Felix, Annette, and Mercedes. Ingrid, you start. There is a vampire that has latched onto Dedue. What do you do?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I strike the vampire with my lance.

**claude’s bf** : Roll me a 1d20 to see if it hits. They have their back to you, so I only need you to beat a ten.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Damn it, I only have an eight.

**claude’s bf** : Your lance misses the vampire, but it does divert their attention away from Dedue. They whiz around to face you, blood pooling from their mouth and chin. Ashe, it is your turn. The enemy is focused on Ingrid, eyeing her up as their next meal. What is your move?

**Ashe** : I fire an arrow at the vampire!

**claude’s bf** : Roll a 1d20. Again, they are focused on Ingrid, so you only need to beat a ten.

**Ashe** : Seventeen :D

**Mercie** : Ashe is on a roll today :)

**claude’s bf** : Indeed. Now roll a 1d10 to determine how much damage you do.

**Ashe** : No! I only rolled a five :(

**claude’s bf** : The arrow strikes the vampire through the arm. She thrashes around a bit, before yanking the arrow clean out and spraying their blood all over the floor. She doesn’t see who shot the arrow, so mantains her focus on Ingrid. Her fangs out, she hurls herself at Ingrid. Ingrid, roll me a 1d20 to dodge out the way. She is very close to you, so you need to beat a fifteen.

**felix** : ingrid!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Nineteen.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Bitch.

**Sylvain Gautier** : What the fuck, Ingrid?!

**Mercie** : You actually did it! :D

**Dedue** : Well done.

**claude’s bf** : Ingrid, with the grace and agility of an athlete, dodges out the way as the vampire lunges forward. The vampire carries on and crashes into some tables, landing in a crumpled heap on the floor.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Can I make a request?

**claude’s bf** : Of course?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Can I slip on a pair of sunglasses and blow imaginary smoke away from my finger guns?

**Annie** : :O

**Ashe** : What happened to you, Ingrid?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : What? I just dodge out the way of a vampire trying to kill me. Am I allowed to savour the moment?

**claude’s bf** : Of course you are. As Ingrid slides on a pair of sunglasses and blows imaginary smoke away from her finger guns, Dedue gets to his feet and readies himself for his move. You are bleeding from the neck, so whatever you do will have a disadvantage. However, as the vampire is stunned, the rolls will not be as difficult to beat. What do you do?

**Dedue** : I smash my axe down onto the enemy’s head.

**claude’s bf** : Roll a 1d20 to see if it lands. She’s kind of messed up, so you only need to beat an eight.

**Dedue** : Eleven.

**claude’s bf** : Now roll a 1d10 to determine the damage.

**Dedue** : Nine.

**Ashe** : Yes! :D Go on, Dedue!

**Mercie** : You can do it!

**Annie** : Yeah! Go get her!

**claude’s bf** : Armed with an axe, you stumble over to the vampire as she struggles to pick herself up. Without mercy or hesitation, you bring the axe down and plant it into her back. She lets out a blood-curdling scream as she thrashes about trying to remove the axe that is now embedded between her shoulder blades. Sylvain, your turn.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Eldritch Blast.

**felix** : yes.

**Mercie** : That sounds... Painful :<

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : But if it means ending it quickly. Do it! And don’t miss!

**claude’s bf** : Roll a 1d20. Like Ingrid said, don’t miss. She’s moving around, so you need to beat a twelve.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Sixteen! And you said I couldn’t do it.

**Sylvain Gautier** : As for damage... Ooh, and that’s a crit!

**Annie** : You rolled a ten?!

**Dedue** : Nicely done.

**felix** : go, kill her now.

**claude’s bf** : Lightning crackles from Sylvain’s fingertips as he points his hand at the vampire. The spell hits the vampire square in the chest, and combined with the axe in their back, causes her to convulse wildly. Her hair and clothes are singed as she fries from the inside, her internal organs cooked due to Sylvain’s magic. After a few agonising seconds, she starts to disintegrate and her body is reduced to ash on the floor. Combat has ended, so all actions are now free.

**Mercie** : Oh! I immediately heal Dedue’s wound!

**claude’s bf** : Roll a 1d8.

**Mercie** : Seven :3

**claude’s bf** : Mercedes’ healing magic flows through Dedue’s veins, healing the injuries he sustained. His neck wound closes up until it looks like a thin scar.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Can I use Detect Poisons to see if Dedue has been infected?

**claude’s bf** : You may. And you are not able to detect any sign of poison from Dedue. But, you are able to see the poison from the vampire laying on the floor, as she glows with a bright red aura. You can also see footsteps of the same aura leading away from the room and behind a closed, wooden door behind the bar.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Look! There’s footsteps leading to the door. It’s where she came from. I think we should check it out!

**felix** : are you insane? if they are there, they’ll be awake now and ready to kill us.

**Dedue** : I say we leave this place and gather outside to discuss our next plan. We do not want to be trapped in here with a hoard of them.

**Annie** : Good idea!

**claude’s bf** : You all unlock the front door and head outside to the main road. Nighttime has officially begun, yet the houses are all fully lit up. You all know that people are taking it in turns to watch over their families to ensure no harm befalls them. As you ponder your next move, I want you all to make another perception check. It’s dark out, so you need to beat a fifteen.

**Annie** : Wait! Let me cast Light! I’ll cast it on... Erm...

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : On this! I plant my lance into the grass to use a beacon for Annette.

**Annie** : Thank you!

**claude’s bf** : Annette’s magic latches onto the lance, illuminating a ten-foot radius in blinding light. As you huddle into the circle of light, you all hear hissing from outside, along with shrieks of pain. Now, all of you roll me a 1d20. Because of Annette’s light, you now only need to beat a nine.

**felix** : fourteen

**Sylvain Gautier** : Three. FML.

**Annie** : Ten :3

**Mercie** : Nineteen!

**Dedue** : Nine.

**Ashe** : Fifteen :D

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Eleven.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Can I reroll?

**claude’s bf** : I will allow you to reroll, yes.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Got it! Seventeen, baby!

**claude’s bf** : All of you notice shadowy figures gathered around the radius of light. You don’t know how many there are, but you can guess that there are about twelve.

**Annie** : I know! I cast Dancing Light, aiming at four corners to see how many there are!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Annette is MVP today!

**Mercie** : Go on, Annie! :D

**claude’s bf** : Annette’s additional four orbs of light reveal that there are, as you suspected, twelve vampires. They all retreat slightly at the orbs, their gaze all firmly fazed upon your party. After the four lights fade, they return to their original positions.

**felix** : how long does the other spell last? the light one?

**claude’s bf** : One hour.

**felix** : excellent. we can take them on.

**claude’s bf** : You wish to start combat? Very well, roll 1d20 to determine starting order. There are no advantages or disadvantages, just straight rolling.

**felix** : eighteen

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Four! Damn it!

**Dedue** : Three.

**Ashe** : Fifteen

**Annie** : Eighteen, just like Felix! :D

**Mercie** : Two :(

**Sylvain Gautier** : Twelve.

**claude’s bf** : Felix and Annette, reroll to see who goes first between you two.

**felix** : ten

**Annie** : Five :<

**claude’s bf** : Running order is: Felix, Annette, Ashe, Sylvain, Ingrid, Dedue, and Mercedes. Felix, you’re up.

**felix** : i throw a knife at one of the vampire’s stupid faces. i know i need to roll a 1d20. twelve.

**felix** : now a 1d8.

**felix** : ...

**claude’s bf** : Felix?

**felix** : it’s nothing. skip my turn.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Felix, did you get a one?

**felix** : of course not.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Oh my Gods, you did get a one!

**felix** : i do nothing.

**claude’s bf** : Okay then... Annette, your turn.

**Annie** : Alright! Everyone close your eyes! Colour Spray!

**Mercie** : Colour Spray?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : What’s that?

**Ashe** : It sounds like a spell that is meant to disorient people. It’s probably why she asked us to close our eyes!

**Dedue** : Indeed. So we don’t get affected by the spell.

**claude’s bf** : Annette, roll 6d10.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : WHAT?!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : WHERE DID YOU LEARN ALL THIS MAGIC?!

**Annie** : Eight, four, six, one, four, and ten!

**claude’s bf** : That is thirty-three hit points. The dazzling array of multicoloured lights spread from Annette’s hands and strikes the vampires. They writhe and thrash about as they are blinded, the glow from the lights temporarily illuminating the area even more to reveal that they are now curled up on the floor, stunned and unable to move.

**Mercie** : Nice one, Annie!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You really helped us there!

**claude’s bf** : Ashe, it is your turn. What will you do?

**Ashe** : I will fire off another arrow!

**Ashe** : What do I need to beat?

**claude’s bf** : The vampires aren’t paying much attention to you, so let’s go with a five.

**Ashe** : Good, because I only have an eight.

**Ashe** : But I did roll a ten for damage! :D

**claude’s bf** : You fire an arrow straight into a vampire’s neck. It doesn’t kill them, just merely stuns them enough so that they lay still on the ground, unable to move. It is safe to assume that they are out of the running for now.

**Ashe** : One down!

**claude’s bf** : Sylvain, Eldritch Blast?

**Sylvain Gautier** : You got it!

**Sylvain Gautier** : I got fourteen, and five :< I’ll aim for the one that Ashe took out earlier just to make sure it dies.

**claude’s bf** : Alright. More lightning fires from Sylvain’s hands towards the downed vampire. They don’t put up a fight as their body disintegrates into dust. The other vampires have now recovered from Annette’s spell, and are now on the offense. One of them braves the light to lunge for Ingrid, despite their body beginning to disintegrate. Ingrid, roll to dodge. You need to beat ten, as you can see them coming and you are in a wide-open area.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You’re not going to believe this. I got a twenty!

**felix** : holy shit, ingrid.

**Mercie** : Ingrid’s unstoppable!

**Dedue** : Is it not also her turn?

**claude’s bf** : That is it. Ingrid, your move. You have dodged out the way, what do you do?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : With a javelin ready, I throw one at them mid flip. What do I need to beat to land?

**claude’s bf** : Normally, you would have to beat a ridiculously high score, but because they are directly beneath you and you landed a crit dodge, I’ll allow you to need an eleven or more. You are still moving, so there is a chance you could miss.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : That’s a twelve! As for damage... Holy crap, I am on a roll! I got ten!

**felix** : nicely done

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Ingrid! What steroids are you on?!

**Annie** : :O:O

**Mercie** : :O

**Ashe** : Go Ingrid!

**Dedue** : She is truly awe-inspiring.

**claude’s bf** : Ingrid leaps through the air in a backwards somersault, javelin at the ready. Mid jump, she fires a javelin downwards, which lands in the vampire’s head. They fall to the ground dead, blood oozing from their new head wound. Their body completely dissolves. 

**claude’s bf** : You know, that type of move reminds me of Claude, and the way he dodges out the way of attacks. He also fires his arrow upside down. I never get tired of watching it.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Typical. I defeat another enemy in a stunning display, and you thinking about your boyfriend.

**claude’s bf** : I mean it in a good way, I swear!

**claude’s bf** : After Ingrid’s quite frankly terrifying display, the other vampires start to retreat back to the inn, which seems to be their den. Dedue, your turn. Some of them are having to run around the beam of light. What do you do?

**Dedue** : I will throw a handaxe at the nearest one.

**claude’s bf** : Roll me a 1d20. They’re moving quite rapidly, so you need to beat a fifteen.

**Dedue** : Fourteen.

**claude’s bf** : The axe just scrapes the vampire, not enough to hit them but enough to startle them. Mercedes, your turn.

**Mercie** : Inflict Wounds :3

**Sylvain Gautier** : What the fuck, Mercedes.

**claude’s bf** : Roll me a 1d20. You do need to actually come into contact with them, and they are still technically moving, so you’ll need to beat a fifteen again.

**Mercie** : Nineteen :3

**Sylvain Gautier** : Y’all are terrifying.

**Annie** : Nicely done, Mercie!

**claude’s bf** : Alright. Roll me 3d10.

**Mercie** : Six, ten, and seven.

**claude’s bf** : At Mercedes’ touch, the vampire instantly shrieks as it thrashes around. It starts to bleed from every orifice available: the eyes, the nose, the ears, the mouth, between some pores... The blood pours out as its movement begins to slow down, until it ultimately collapses in a pool of its own blood. After a few seconds of twitching, it falls still.

**Ashe** : Another one down.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Holy shit.

**felix** : never piss off mercedes.

**Ashe** : How many more now? Nine?

**claude’s bf** : Correct. And they have all returned to the inn, the door to which has been bolted shut from the inside. You are now out of combat.

**Annie** : We can’t just leave them in there! We need to deal with them!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Can I cast prestidigitation to make the air smell of fresh meat? Make the vampires believe that we’ve left and new people have arrived?

**felix** : not a bad idea

**claude’s bf** : Of course. You cast the spell and your scent has been replaced by one of someone the vampires might find appetising. A young maiden, perhaps. And it seems to work, as you hear the tavern door being unlocked and soon a vampire head pokes around to see what is happening.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I use Command on the vampire to tell it to approach us.

**claude’s bf** : As if drawn to you by some mysterious power, the vampire marches forwards towards you, stopping just on the edge of the ring of light, which is showing signs of flickering and dying out. They look at you with a defiant gaze and start speaking language you don’t understand. 

**Sylvain Gautier** : I use Charm on the vampire.

**felix** : sylvain

**felix** : why

**Ashe** : Oh, are you going to tell them to leave?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Are really going to attempt to seduce the vampire?!

**Sylvain Gautier** : Watch and learn.

**Annie** : Why don’t you translate what the vampire is saying??

**Sylvain Gautier** : Oh yeah, forgot I could do it. I cast Comprehend Languages.

**claude’s bf** : You can hear the vampire saying “We’re not hurting anyone, it’s in our nature to feed. If they don’t like it, they can just leave. We’ll track them down eventually. The world belongs to the vampires.”

**felix** : i say we destroy the tavern with them inside

**Mercedes** : Okay. I have sacred flame!

**Sylvain Gautier** : And I have Eldritch Blast. What is the tavern made from?

**claude’s bf** : Wood, but it is a fairly substantial building. It will take more than one spell to set it on fire.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : So we need to help them along. I can cast Bless to give them an extra 1d4 to their attack.

**Annie** : Good idea!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Alright, I use Bless to give Mercedes and Sylvain an extra boost of damage.

**Dedue** : In the meantime, I remove the vampire by dragging them into the circle of light.

**claude’s bf** : The vampire melts into a charred mess. Mercedes and Sylvain, you feel a warmth presence as Ingrid’s magic blesses you. You feel you can do additional damage. Both of you roll me a 1d20. It’s a building, so you only need to beat, say, a two. Can you do that?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Eleven.

**Mercie** : Ten :3

**Claude’s bf** : Sylvain, roll me a 1d10 and a 1d4. Mercedes, a 1d8 and a 1d4.

**Annie** : Oh, before you do that, perhaps we should block the door so that they can’t escape? We could move the lance of light so that it right outside the door!! That way their escape options are limited!

**felix** : yes, let’s.

**Sylvain Gautier** : I got ten, and four. That’s what I’m talking about.

**felix** : how?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Your love.

**Sylvain Gautier** : And Ingrid’s blessing.

**Mercie** : Five, and two :(

**claude’s bf** : A gentle stream of fire rains down from the heavens and lands on the roof of the tavern, which begins to smoulder. In contrast, a bolt of lightning smashed through the window and strikes a table inside, which begins to burn fiercely. The vampires inside are beginning to panic. One of them flings open the door, only to be greeted by the radius of light still emitting from Ingrid’s lance.

**Ashe** : It’s working!

**Annie** : Colour Spray! Cover your eyes!

**Annie** : Eight, nine, six, three, seven, and five!

**felix** : why are our mages fucking terrifying?

**claude’s bf** : With thirty-eight points of damage, the remaining eight vampires are left thriving around one the floor, completely blinded by Annette’s magic. The flames jump to another table, smoke now beginning to fill the room. What do you all want to do?

**Ashe** : I got it!

**Ashe** : You see the chandelier on the roof? At the minute, it is only being lit by candles. But if Annette were to touch it with her light spell, it would cause all the vampires to take damage!

**Ashe** : The room is on fire, though...

**Sylvain Gautier** : Dedue could give Annette a lift, and everyone else can keep taking pot shots at them whilst they are getting into position.

**claude’s bf** : Alright, you are entering combat again? Roll me a 1d20.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Dedue, I hope you roll higher than Annette, just so you can pick her up and we don’t have to wait a few turns for her to cast her magic.

**Dedue** : I will try.

**Ashe** : This is it! The final showdown!

**felix** : ten

**Sylvain Gautier** : Fourteen

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Ten. I will roll again with Felix.

**Mercie** : Fifteen :)

**Annie** : Two :(

**Dedue** : 20.

**Annie** : Yay!!!!

**Ashe** : Five

**claude’s bf** : Felix and Ingrid, roll again to see who goes first.

**felix** : four

**felix** : fml

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Sixteen.

**claude’s bf** : Running order is: Dedue, Mercedes, Sylvain, Ingrid, Felix, Ashe, and Annette. Dedue, I assume you action will be lifting Annette onto your shoulders.

**Dedue** : Correct. I lift Annette onto my shoulders and carry her into the room.

**claude’s bf** : Mercedes?

**Mercie** : I use sacred flame again, aiming for the roof. I get a nine, and a three.

**claude’s bf** : More gentle flames land on the roof, fully igniting it as smoke begins to rise. Sylvain? Eldritch Blast.

**Sylvain Gautier** : You know me so well. And I’ll aim for one of the vampires on the floor.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Twenty!

**Sylvain Gautier** : and one...

**claude’s bf** : The beam of lightning hits its target, but it doesn’t kill them so much as it gives them a mild shock. Like the sort you receive when you touch something metal. Ingrid?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Erm... I guess I’ll use my javelin and jab it into one the vampire’s heads?? I’ll aim for the one that Sylvain failed to hit. What do I need to beat?

**claude’s bf** : I’m feeling generous, so a seven.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : A six? Really?

**claude’s bf** : You manage to pin the vampire down by its robes. It is still too stunned to move. Felix?

**felix** : i finish what they couldn’t. twelve, and eight

**Sylvain Gautier** : Thank you, Felix.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Thank you, Felix.

**claude’s bf** : Your blade slices clean through the vampire’s head, your blade coming away soaked in dark red blood. The others are now slowly beginning to regain their senses. Ashe?

**Ashe** : I try to fell one down with a bow and arrow!

**claude’s bf** : You need to beat a ten, as they are getting to their feet now.

**Ashe** : Nineteen! :D

**Dedue** : Well done.

**claude’s bf** : Roll me 1d10 to determine damage.

**Ashe** : I don’t believe it! I got a ten! :D

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Good job, Ashe!

**Annie** : Yay!

**Mercie** : You did it!

**claude’s bf** : Ashe’s arrow sails through one of their heads, killing them. They fall to the ground as Dedue carries Annette into position. Annette?

**Annie** : Light ‘er up!

**claude’s bf** : The moment Annette touches the chandelier, a strong beam of light fills the room. The remaining vampires all dissolve, leaving piles of ash on the floor. With combat over, you are now in free mode.

**Dedue** : I carry Annette out of the tavern.

**claude’s bf** : Dedue carries Annette and lowers her onto the ground. The tavern is now close to being fully ablaze, the flames and smoke rising into the night sky.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : There could be more in there, so its best if it burns to the ground. We should warm the neighbours to ensure they don’t get caught up in the fire.

**claude’s bf** : You all split up to warn the town about the burning building, assuring them that the vampire problem has been dealt with. You are all awarded with a place to sleep within the mayor’s home, and when you wake up the next day, you find that the tavern has been completely burnt down. No traces of the vampires are found. You are treated as heroes of the town, and welcomed to come back whenever you want. You are paid handsomely, your pockets jingling with cash as you leave the town to look for your next adventure.

**claude’s bf** : The end.

**Annie** : Woo! We did it!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : That was... Something, for sure.

**Ashe** : I really enjoyed it!

**Dedue** : So did I.

**Mercie** : And me! :D

**felix** : it was fine.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Hello yeah! Team Blue Lions!

**claude’s bf** : You all did very well, and it was a fun adventure :)

**claude’s bf** : I wonder what the others have gotten up to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alright. 
> 
> Not 100% perfect, but enough to not warrant screaming into the void.
> 
> Next up, the Golden Deer! What will the House of Memes get up to?
> 
> It's also half past midnight, so sorry if I miss any glaring mistakes.


	42. The (Mis)Adventures of The Golden Deer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **dima’s bf** : lysithea points her finger at the ship, and within moments the entire ship is engulfed in the hellish flames. the dry wood goes up instantly, smoke going into the air as bits of burning wood fall to the ground. the spell has definitely worked. a little too well, in fact. some of the trees behind the ship are now on fire.
> 
>  **i wont hesitate, b*tch** : whoops
> 
>  **Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : What did you think would happen when you cast your devil magic?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! 
> 
> This was a ton of fun to write. I enjoyed writing all of the D&D sessions for the three houses, but this one really let me stretch my creativity and stylistic choices. 
> 
> Have the [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUnrWo6z9WY) that inspired this chapter. If you guessed what it was, *high five*. We have the same strange mind xD 
> 
> ALSO! I ordered four sets of D&D dice, and they have finally arrived! Now I can do this properly! :D

**[house of memes – 6:06pm]**

**dima’s bf** : yo. you ready to go?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’m still not really sure what to do. I don’t have any dice to roll :(

**dima’s bf** : no worries! we’re using a random number generator in place of dice. and don’t worry about proficiency bonuses and stuff like that. if you’ve got access to spells, pick two cantrips and two first level spells. if you don’t have a cantrip, pick three first level spells. no spells? just focus on hitting things as hard as you can.

**dima’s bf** : the scene is: in the middle of ocean, aboard the pirate ship "the jolly derdriu", pirate captain lorenz and his first mate leonie are scouring the seas in search of an island. the island is said to hold long lost treasure.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Naturally. Captain Lorenz Hellman Gloucester will track down the treasure and bring it back home.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : what

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : lorenz is a pirate captain???

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : why?????

**dima’s bf** : look. if i didn’t make lorenz the captain, we’d never hear the end of it

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : fair enough

**dima’s bf** : anyway, captain lorenz and his first mate leonie are on board "the jolly derdriu", looking for lost treasure. amongst their crew are: a gnome bard and her human cleric wife, travelling together to seek their fortune to set up a clinic together; a dwarf ranger and a half-orc barbarian, looking for new things to sell in their market stalls; and a fucking terrifying tiefling warlock who stowed away within the cargo and skulks in the corner with her arms folded like a sulky child.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hey!!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : me and marianne are married?! yay!

**Marianne <3**: That’s so lovely :)

**Beefy Boi** : A shame there isn’t a merchant class. Or a painter class.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I did the best I could. 

**dima’s bf** : all of you, roll me a 1d20. it’s a clear day and you’re in the middle of the ocean, so you only need to beat an eleven.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Two.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I am a rubbish captain.

**dima’s bf** : wtf lorenz?

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : 14! oh yeah!

**Beefy Boi** : Twelve :D

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : twenty

**Marianne <3**: Oh! Thirteen!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Three. I’m sorry :(

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Eleven.

**dima’s bf** : those who didn’t fail the check, you see, in the distance, what appears to be an island. lysithea, as you got a crit, you also see a ship of sorts resting by the island

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : bastards are stealing our treasure

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Excuse me?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i see a ship by that island there. someone’s beaten us to the treasure

**Marianne <3**: Oh dear. Shall we keep going and look somewhere else?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Yeah, maybe we should. 

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : nonsense! we’re getting that treasure!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Of course! Let us sail that way!

**dima’s bf** : you adjust the sails so that "the jolly derdriu" is heading towards the island. as you get closer, the other ship is becoming more clear. what do you do?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I say we leave the main ship in the deep water and use rowing boats to get closer. It’ll save our ship from getting caught up in any chaos, and we can make a quick getaway if we need to!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : An excellent idea, Leonie! I drop the anchors and prepare the rowing boats to get closer. We should determine who travels in which boat. How many boats do we have?

**dima’s bf** : two

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I’d say we have myself, Lysithea, Hilda, and Marianne in one boat. Leonie, Raphael, and Ignatz can travel in the other boat. Sound good?

**Beefy Boi** : Sure thing! :D I can row us there.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I think we should try and stay quiet, so the people don’t see or hear us coming.

**Marianne <3**: I think so, too!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Good idea. We definitely need stealth on our side, especially as we don’t know who these people are, or what their numbers are.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : yeah! and i can sit back and watch you all fight pirates whilst i sunbathe :3

**Marianne <3**: Ummm.. I think we’re also pirates.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : we’re delicate maidens travelling with pirates. we shouldn’t have to lift a finger.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : how far away from the other ship are we?

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : lysithea, please don’t do what i think you’re about to do

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : we can destroy everything after we’ve gtfo’d. we do it now and we risk of either being spotter or destroying our shit

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : fine

**Beefy Boi** : Phew!

**dima’s bf** : you’re all getting into the boats and sailing towards the island? alright, you set off. as you’re doing do, i want you to roll a perception check to investigate your surroundings. how high you score depends on what you see.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Seventeen. That is more like it.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : nineteen! beat you!

**Marianne <3**: Thirteen! :D

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : eight

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : damn it

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Seventeen, like Lorenz!

**Beefy Boi** : Nine D:

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Fourteen.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Alright, Claude, what do we all see.

**dima’s bf** : everyone except raphael and lysithea, you see that the ship has been partially submerged into the sand. raph and lysithea, you just see the ship, but not the condition it's in. what will you do?

**Marianne <3**: Can I ask something? What will we do if there are people there? Is there any way we can share the treasure?

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : maybe? if they give it to us?

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : We’ll worry about that when we arrive. How close are we to shore?

**dima’s bf** : about fifteen feet. the water is shallower here than it was where you left your ship. you can all see that the island has a vast expanse of trees and a mountain, and very little else.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : shall we send them a warning shot?

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : No! Stealth, Lysithea!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I think we should stick to stealth.

**Beefy Boi** : I’m not the quietest person in the world. Stealth isn’t exactly my strong point.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : It’s still our best option. Until we’re able to properly gauge the situation.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Wait until we are in position on the island, and then you can do whatever it was you wanted to do.

**dima’s bf** : you land on the island. you now all see that the ship has crashed into the sand, with significant listing to the right. the wood looks fresh, so whoever crashed here did so recently. aside from the sound of birds coming from somewhere in the forest and the lapping of the waves, you can’t hear anything else.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hellish rebuke

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : What?!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i cast hellish rebuke on the marooned ship

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : We all scramble out of our boats and duck for cover behind some trees opposite the shipwreck.

**dima’s bf** : before i ask you to roll a 1d20 to determine what you hit, please roll me 2d10 to find out the damage

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Oh no...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : eight, and ten

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : oh jeez...

**dima’s bf** : now roll me a 1d20. it’s a massive boat that is right in front of you, so you only need a five. 

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : eighteen

**dima’s bf** : lysithea points her finger at the ship, and within moments the entire ship is engulfed in the hellish flames. the dry wood goes up instantly, smoke going into the air as bits of burning wood fall to the ground. the spell has definitely worked. a little too well, in fact. some of the trees behind the ship are now on fire.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : whoops

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : What did you think would happen when you cast your devil magic?!

**dima’s bf** : from inside the trees, you all hear commotion as birds fly away in panic to escape the demon flames. racing across the beach are a couple dozen pirates, screaming that their boat is now on fire. they spot lysithea with a shit-eating grin on her face and draw their weapons. you are now in combat. roll me 1d20 to determine starting order.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Sixteen

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : One! Really?!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Thirteen

**Marianne <3**: I only got an eight...

**Beefy Boi** : Three...

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : seventeen

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : what is with you and your insanely good rolls?!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : ten

**dima's bf** : running order is: lysithea, lorenz, ignatz, hilda, marianne, raph, and leonie

**dima’s bf** : lysithea, your turn. you are faced with a couple dozen pissed off pirates because you burnt their ship down. what do you do?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : eldritch blast

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : wtf?

**dima’s bf** : roll me a 1d20. there’s a lot to choose from and they’re all quite clumped together. you need to beat a ten

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : seventeen

**Marianne <3**: You’re really lucky today

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : it’s the luck of the random number generator

**dima’s bf** : now roll me a 1d10 to determine damage

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : six

**dima’s bf** : the lightning strikes one of the pirates’ square in the chest, causing him to jolt around and drop his weapon. he topples into some of the men behind him, slowing their progress. lorenz, your turn.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I pick up a rock that is at my feet and use Catapult.

**dima’s bf** : 1d20 to see who you are going to hit with this rock. i will say, if you roll below a ten, you will hit lysithea.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : oi!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Twelve. You’re safe, Lysithea.

**dima’s bf** : now roll 3d8 to determine damage

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : A single rock can do that much damage?!

**Beefy Boi** : Must a be a big rock.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I am, as the kids say, yeeting this rock. As for damage, I have: eight, six, and a seven.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I believe this calls for a celebratory dab.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : WHAT THE FUCK?!

**Marianne <3**: Everyone is incredibly lucky with rolls today.

**dima’s bf** : lorenz yeets the rock towards one of the pirates. he doesn’t exactly “knock them out”. instead, he cracks their head open due to the sheer force and speed the rock is travelling at. the pirate collapses in a pool of their own brain blood.

**Beefy Boi** : Oof. Nasty!

**dima’s bf** : ignatz, your turn! there’s one pirate on the ground and another one that has been brained by lornez. ten remain, all starting to look a bit confused and scared. what will you do?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I want to cast Hunter’s Mark on one of them, but that would count as my turn. They could have moved by then.

**dima’s bf** : nah, i’ll let that be your bonus action. right, guys?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Right!

**Marianne <3**: It’s okay by me :)

**Beefy Boi** : Go for it!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : It if means getting extra hit points in, I will allow it.

**dima’s bf** : ignatz casts hunter’s mark. roll 1d20 to land the hit. like the others, you need to beat a ten.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Ten! I just got it.

**dima’s bf** : now roll 1d10 followed by a 1d6. i assume you’re sniping them with a bow and arrow?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : That’s right! I got seven, followed by a five. That’s okay, right?

**dima’s bf** : ignatz’s arrow goes sailing through the air and strikes one of the pirates in the chest. their roar of pain, combined with the now fiercely burning forest, is causing them to charge towards your party in an attempt to get to freedom. hilda, you’re up!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : ugh, i didn’t want to fight. fine. earth tremor.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I suggest to everyone that we retreat to our boats whilst Hilda does her magic.

**dima’s bf** : it’s a pretty hard spell to miss because it covers a wide area, so just skip straight to damage. roll me a 1d6 to see how much damage they take.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : five!

**dima’s bf** : the ground beneath hilda’s feet begins to shake as she stamps her foot on the sand. the pirates fall prone, hands over their heads as a thunderous roar rumbles through the air. the spell has also caused a burning palm tree to come loose and fall to the ground. marianne, your turn.

**Marianne <3**: Oh! Umm... Ummmm... Thaumaturgy!

**dima’s bf** : and what you do you want to say?

**Marianne <3**: I’m sorry! I don’t know what to do!

**dima’s bf** : the booming voice of marianne screaming “i’m sorry” rings out, startling the pirates as they try to get back to their feet. raph, you’re up.

**Beefy Boi** : I grab Hilda and carry her into the boat to get away!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : thank you! glad someone didn’t forget about me!

**dima’s bf** : as you begin to row back to your ship, you are left with the sight of the stranded pirates picking themselves up and diving into the ocean to escape the now fully-ablaze island, leaving behind their dead comrades. leonie, one last action before we end combat?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Sure. I peddle as fast as I can away from the island.

**dima’s bf** : alright, combat is over! well done, you have managed to kill a handful of pirates, set fire to an island, and presumably destroyed whatever ancient civilisation was left behind. good job.

**Marianne <3**: I’m sorry.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : not your fault, baby girl!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : We should get back before we get into big trouble.

**dima’s bf** : you all get back to the ship, and climb the ladders back onto deck. there, you are greeted by another pirate, obviously a captain judging by his glorious feathered hat and golden longcoat. he is devilishly handsome with his luscious brown hair and deep green eyes. he greets you with a bow and says “ah, apologies for the intrusion. you see, that boat that has gone up in flames was mine. my crew wanted to plunder the island for loot, and were going to take the ship over. i told them to take the small boats. they responded by throwing my overboard. i see you managed to teach them a lesson.”

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Who are you?

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : it’s claude's self insert, isn’t it?

**dima’s bf** : the man tips his hat at you “i assume you are the captain of this crew? i am the former captain of "the golden deer", riegan.”

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : told you

**dima’s bf** : “let’s see here. two humans, a gnome, a dwarf, a half-orc, a halfling, and a tiefling. an interesting crew you have here. and i see that most of you can use magic of sorts, judging by how you managed to burn down an entire island. i am impressed. ah, it appears as though some of my former crew have now arrived at this vessel. we should prepare to engage them. it shouldn’t take long to dispose of them.”

**dima’s bf** : roll me 1d20.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Twelve

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : two! fuck!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : five.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I got a ten.

**Beefy Boi** : Twenty! :D

**Marianne <3**: Fourteen!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Nine

**dima’s bf** : and riegan get a sixteen

**Marianne <3**: What race and class is he?

**dima’s bf** : a human fighter, armed with a bow an arrow. the order goes: raph, riegan, marianne, lorenz, igantz, leonie, lysithea, and hilda. raph, you start. the pirates are now scrambling up the ladder and some have made it onto the boat. what do you do?

**Beefy Boi** : I swing my axe into one of their faces.

**dima’s bf** : because you are aiming for the face, you need to beat a thirteen.

**Beefy Boi** : Thirteen! Just got it.

**dima’s bf** : now roll a 1d12.

**Beefy Boi** : Four D:

**dima’s bf** : raph swings around with his axe, which connects with one of the pirate’s faces. instead of the big impact he was hoping for, it instead cuts their cheek and stuns them a bit. riegan’s turn.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : oh dear. watch him get all the crits.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : yep

**dima’s bf** : riegan nocks an arrow and aims it at the pirate raph nearly got. he aims for their head as he says “this is what you deserve”. and at that, the arrow lands in his head and sort of... sits there. it doesn’t go any deeper than the surface of the skin.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : You rolled a one?!

**dima’s bf** : yeah

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Oh dear.

**dima’s bf** : moving on, it is now marianne’s turn. more pirates are now clambering on deck.

**Marianne <3**: I... I grab a knife and cut away the rope ladder!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : nice one, sweetie! that’ll stop ‘em!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : There is another rope ladder next to it.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : fuck

**dima’s bf** : one of the pirates whips out his sword and takes marianne hostage.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : YOU BASTARD!

**Marianne <3**: Oh no!

**dima’s bf** : your turn, lorenz!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I take out one of my daggers and throw it at the pirate. It doesn’t matter where I hit them, so long as they let Marianne go.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : dont you dare miss

**dima’s bf** : the pirate is using marianne as a shield, so you need to beat a fifteen. because im feeling generous, i can say that you get a bonus of one because you’re determined to save your crewmate. good luck.

**Beefy Boi** : Good luck!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : You can do it!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Hopefully the number gods are with you.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Don’t mess it up!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : NINETEEN!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : HELL YES!

**Beefy Boi** : You did it!

**Marianne <3**: Yay!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Oh, thank the Goddess!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : You did it!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hilda would have killed you if you’d missed.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : DAMN RIGHT, I WOULD HAVE

**dima’s bf** : if you’re using catapult, roll 3d8

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Three eights. It’s like the Number Gods themselves are annoyed at Marianne being hurt.

**dima’s bf** : lorenz yeets a dagger. against all the odds, it misses marianne and embeds itself into the pirate's skull. they let go off marianne as they plummet overboard and land in the ocean below, their blood staining the water red. from what you can all see, there are now nine pirates remaining, one of them with an arrow still in their head. ignatz, it is now your turn.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I grab hold of Marianne and drag her back to be with the rest of us.

**dima’s bf** : alright, leonie, you’re up. the pirates are really gunning for you all. in fact, one of them is about to stab you with their blade. roll me a 1d20 to dodge. you’ll need to beat a fifteen, because you’re in close range.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Sixteen! And as I dodge out the way, I stick my leg out to trip them up!

**dima’s bf** : the pirate catches leonie’s leg and loses their balance. they are running with such speed that they fail to stop in time and go tumbling over the edge of the boat.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : nice!

**dima’s bf** : lysithea. do your thing.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : you got it. eldritch blast them in their stupid faces!

**dima’s bf** : roll a 1d20. if you roll too low, you’ll hit your teammates. no pressure.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : ...

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : What did you get, Lysithea?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : change of plan! i storm over and whack one of them with my magic staff.

**dima’s bf** : 1d20, please.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : nineteen. much better.

**dima’s bf** : roll me that 1d8.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : two.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : shit

**dima’s bf** : one of the pirates feels something tapping on his knee. he looks down to see a tiny tiefling warlock hitting his knee with a wooden stick. he is more amused by it than anything else. hilda, your go!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : YOU BASTARDS DARE TAKE MY WIFE HOSTAGE?! YOU ASKED FOR IT!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : TASTE THE MUSIC!!

**Beefy Boi** : I’ve never seen Hilda this fired up before!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : So long as it gets her to work.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : I WHACK THEM WITH MY LUTE!!

**dima’s bf** : 1d20. there aren’t many left, so you only need a ten.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : ELEVEN! WITH A 1D8 DAMAGE OF SIX!!

**dima’s bf** : because your blood is boiling, i’ll allow you to add two on too make it up to eight. hilda’s lute, which has been used for many a song about marianne, is now being used as a blunt force weapon. the pirate can do nothing as they are knocked back by the instrument. you all hear a lovely tune being played as the pirate’s nose runs across the strings. if it were to be shown in slow motion, it would have edvard grieg’s peer gynt morning mood playing in the background as teeth and bits of wood go soaring majestically through the air.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : THAT’S RIGHT!!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : That is quite the bold imagery.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i need fanart of this now

**dima’s bf** : back to raphael. there are now about seven pirates left, including the one that has an arrow sticking out of his head and one that is still being irritated by lysithea. what do you do? you are a barbarian and can enter a primal rage, so use it to your advantage.

**Beefy Boi** : I enter primal rage and drop kick the pirate with the arrow in his head. I’m aiming for the chest.

**dima’s bf** : roll me 1d20. they’re still a little stunned from having, y’know, an arrow in their head. you need to be a ten.

**Beefy Boi** : Seventeen :D

**dima’s bf** : roll me 1d12 for damage. because you’ve got into a rage, i'll be kind and you can add an extra 1d4.

**Beefy Boi** : Eleven, with an extra two!

**dima’s bf** : with all the grace of a blimp, raphael sails through the air and plants his two feet onto the pirate’s chest. they have a brief moment of “wtf” on their face before they are launched overboard and go splashing into the ocean. they move so fast that the rest of the face needs to catch up to their body, leading to a very smooshed face that looks like it has been caught in a wind turbine.

**dima’s bf** : with six left, it is riegan’s turn. he nocks an arrow and aims it at the one who is running towards the wheel. “not today, scurvy kyle. you may have tried to overthrow me once, but not again. to think you were my first mate.”

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Your first mate is called Kyle? Really?

**dima’s bf** : not that it matters, because kyle took a literal arrow to the knee, rendering him partially immobile. and we are back to marianne.

**Marianne <3**: Oh! Okay... I cast Thaumaturgy and call out “Leave us alone!”

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : good one!!!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : That’s it, Marianne!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Yeah, you can do it!

**dima’s bf** : at marianne’s “leave us alone!”, the remaining pirates all clamber inside one of the boats and drop themselves into the ocean.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : you did it, marianne!!!

**Marianne <3**: Oh, thank you :) I’m sorry about your lute.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : i did it for you, baby girl!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : what do we do with the others?

**dima’s bf** : “sorry about them. they are all talk and no action. but you, you all look you know what you’re doing. you mind if i join your crew, at least until we reach the next town?”

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Well, it would be unfitting of a noble to abandon a man in need. You may travel with us. I daresay you know these seas better than us.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : a shame we didn’t get the treasure.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Perhaps the real treasure are the friends we made along the way :)

**dima’s bf** : and with that, we end the session. well done, everyone. that was good fun :)

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : yeah, we did it!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Maybe next time we can do some more pirate-y things!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : It was... Enjoyable, to be a pirate captain with the ability to magically throw things.

**Beefy Boi** : We need a name for our crew!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : the golden deer

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : obviously

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : We should all do this again sometime :) Perhaps we can join up with some of the other houses and mingle with them to get fresh players.

**dima’s bf** : and i can learn how to dm properly.

**dima’s bf** : wonder what the princess and dima have done with their houses?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I have seen the "The Best Pirate I've Ever Seen" memes, and I fucking love them. 
> 
> [This one, though, is by far my favourite.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UjWwMtrETk)
> 
> I just love memes, alright?
> 
> I've also had to moderate my comments, because I keep getting harassed every time I post a new chapter :|


	43. The Incredibly Short Lived (Mis)Adventures of the Ashen Wolves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Iced Coco** : HAPI!!!!!
> 
> **Iced Coco** : WHAT DID I JUST SAY??!!!!
> 
> **Iced Coco** : WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!!
> 
> **Sad** : whoops
> 
> **Iced Coco** : WHOOPS?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry this so short D:
> 
> You know how it is sometimes. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy what I've managed to churn out. 
> 
> Have some [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaF-QdRhvrE). It's got nothing to do with the contents of the chapter, but it's still an absolute banger.

**[Ashen Wolves Group Chat – 6:08pm]**

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Alright, so we’re doing this thing? I don’t really know anything about D&D, so the other house leaders told me to ignore proficiencies and just focus on the rolls.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Remind me again who you all are?

**Iced Coco** : I am Constance von Nuvelle, the most esteemed elf cleric in all of Fódlan! My healing abilities are the best around! You shall find none stronger than I, Constance of the glorious House Nuvelle!

**Sad** : im a tiefling sorcerer

**Sad** : i make things go boom

**Himbo Energy** : I’m a half orc monk! I shall punch things in the name of the Goddess.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : So you are all playing yourselves.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Gotcha.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Alright, let’s see here. You are all a dungeon cell for numerous crimes. Hapi, you set fire to the marketplace because someone annoyed you with their knock off supplies. Constance, you latched onto a government official trying to get him to reinstate your house. And Balthus... Well, you know what you did.

**Himbo Energy** : Hey! What did I do?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You know.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : What do you do?

**Sad** : thunderwave. use it to blast the door down.

**Iced Coco** : I don’t think that’s a good idea, Hapi. We’re all in the same cell and we’ll get caught up in the blast!

**Himbo Energy** : Yeah, it’s not the best idea.

**Sad** : thunderwave

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Roll me a 1d20. The door is right there, so ideally you only need a five.

**Iced Coco** : Hapi, please!

**Himbo Energy** : I can just punch the door down!

**Sad** : 12

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Now roll me 2d8.

**Himbo Energy** : No!

**Iced Coco** : Hapi!!!!

**Sad** : seven and eight

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Ah.

**Iced Coco** : HAPI!!!!!

**Himbo Energy** : Well, that didn’t last long. 

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Upon casting the spell, a god-shattering boom erupts through the room. All your eardrums are immediately ruptured, rendering you deaf to the sound of the walls crumbling in around you. Your bodies jerk violently as electricity courses through your body. Every blood vessel in your body bursts, causing you to bleed from every orifice. Your suffering is put to an end when, mercifully, the ceiling of your cell crushes you.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You’re all dead.

**Iced Coco** : HAPI!!!!!

**Iced Coco** : WHAT DID I JUST SAY??!!!!

**Iced Coco** : WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!!

**Sad** : whoops

**Iced Coco** : WHOOPS?!

**Himbo Energy** : Well, that didn’t take long.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Indeed.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : So, want to try again?

**Sad** : am good, thanks

**Iced Coco** : Hapi! Get back here! You did not just kill Constance von Nuvelle, the most esteemed elf cleric in all of Fódlan!!

**Iced Coco** : ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 9:18pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hello, everyone. How did your D&D sessions go? The Black Eagles started off on a simple bandit hunt, and ended with the them burning down an old fishing warehouse.

**claude’s bf** : The Blue Lions were vampire hunters, who went up against a fearsome band of vampires, all within a circle of light. They ended up having to burn the tavern down, as that was their den and they didn’t want them to come back from the dead.

**dima’s bf** : we were all pirates. we burnt down an island and hilda brained someone with her lute

**dima’s bf** : it was awesome

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Hapi destroyed a jail cell and killed the other two in the process. It went as well as expected.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I see... Is that why Constance is now screaming bloody murder in the Black Eagles chat?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : She’s still going, huh?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Even though it’s been three hours?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Seems like it.

**claude’s bf** : You know, I was thinking. We never really go chance to play ourselves, because we were busy being the Dungeon Master for our respective houses. It would be nice if we could have our own game somehow.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I agree. Perhaps we could ask the Professor or Seteth to take the role of Dungeon Master for us.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Maybe. 

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : For now, I need to go calm down Constance. Before something gets destroyed.

**dima’s bf** : good luck

*

**_[private message from dima’s bf to claude’s bf – 9:23pm]_ **

**dima’s bf** : vampire hunter, eh? ;)

**claude’s bf** : I assume you were a pirate captain? I can only imagine how ruggedly handsome you were :)

**dima’s bf** : ...

**dima’s bf** : njsefhuqwkurbjlefnk!!!

**claude’s bf** : Claude? Are you feeling alright?

*

**_[private message from dima’s bf to Sylvain Gautier – 9:24pm]_ **

**dima’s bf** : HOW DOES HE DO IT?!

**Sylvain Gautier** : HOW DO WHO DO WHAT?!

**dima’s bf** : HOW DOES DIMA MANAGE TO BE SO SMOOTH?!

**Sylvain Gautier** : YOU’RE JOKING, RIGHT?!

**Sylvain Gautier** : HIS HIGHNESS IS AS ABOUT AS SMOOTH AS SANDPAPER!!!

**Sylvain Gautier** : YOU'RE JUST EASILY FLUSTERED!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:30pm]**

**Seteth** : Good evening, students. Curfew is in half an hour. I assume everyone is ready for tomorrows class?

**Diva Queen** : Of course we are, Seteth :)

**Seteth** : Good.

**Seteth** : How were all of your Dungeons and Dragons sessions? I trust you all had fun?

**Annie** : We did! We were vampire hunters! And Ingrid kept landing critical hits!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Ahh... It was nothing, really. I got lucky with the dice roll. You did most of the work, Annette. It was thanks to your light magic we didn’t get immediately killed.

**Mercie** : Annie was really amazing :)

**Dedue** : Indeed. I am glad she was with us.

**Annie** : You guys~~~~

**Ashe** : I really liked that spell where you cast different coloured lights which did a lot of damage.

**Annie** : Oh, Colour Spray! :D

**Sylvain Gautier** : Yes, that. And there was that one spell that Mercedes used. Inflict Wounds, was it?

**Mercie** : Yep :3

**Sylvain Gautier** : Morale of the story: mages are terrifying.

**felix** : it was.. fine

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You’re just salty you got a critical failure

**felix** : ingrid!!!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : LMAO!!!!

**felix** : it’s not like that! i just... had a bad roll

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : At least you didn’t have Hubert using “Eldritch Blast” at the slightest inconvenience. He wanted to blast two drunk men away from a tavern table instead of just asking them!

**Hubert von Vestra** : I still say it was the best course of action.

**Little King** : You did manage to use Eldritch Blast on that sniper who was in the trees. Good job Ferdinand spotted him when he did.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : A true noble never fails to spot danger!

**Bernie** : I WAS THERE!!!! SORT OF!!!

**Brigid Pride** : And you were performing most admirably :)

**Bernie** : thank you :)))))

**Diva Queen** : Yes! You casting the fog spell was a big help to us all.

**Linhardt** : What about me?

**Diva Queen** : You were... There.

**Little King** : He chased the bandits back into the warehouse :D

**Linhardt** : That I did. Only because I wanted the battle to end.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : i used eldritch blast on a wrecked ship

**Beefy Boi** : And you ended up burning down an entire island.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : exactly

**Diva Queen** : We managed to burn down an old fishing warehouse full of bandits. It took us a while, but we managed to do it using the power of teamwork :D

**Brigid Pride** : And we were having the fun :) Lady Edelgard was a brilliant storyteller.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you, Petra, but I really wasn’t. I struggled to come up with an idea beyond simple bandits. Dimitri had vampires, and Claude had pirates. Those are much more exciting than bandits.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : That’s right! Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, Captain of the Jolly Derdriu, at your service!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Along with his first mate, Leonie Pinelli!

**Marianne <3**: We fought against some pirates aboard a pirate ship. Claude was there!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : and i got to use my lute as a weapon!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It was quite a sight to behold.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : And Claude got a critical failure!

**felix** : did he now?

**dima’s bf** : look...

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : At least you reached the end of your sessions. I didn’t even get past the introduction before Hapi murdered everyone.

**Himbo Energy** : Constance and I begged her not to.

**Sad** : i said i was sorry

**Iced Coco** : THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE APOLOGISED, HAPI!!!

**Seteth** : I see you all had fun. I suggest you all get some sleep now and be ready for classes tomorrow. Good night, students.

**Seteth** : And Constance, please try not to kill Hapi.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Oh, Seteth! One moment, please. Do you think it is possible for you to host a D&D session for myself, Claude, Dimitri, and Yuri? We didn’t get a chance to take part as we were hosting.

**claude’s bf** : Yes, I hope that is alright with you?

**dima’s bf** : i’ve already got my character sorted!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You’re all eager, aren’t you? Sure, why not?

**Seteth** : I suppose I could try and host one for you. I would need to read up about the game and what the dice roll means. Let me think about it, and I will get back to you.

**dima’s bf** : cheers.

*

**[Officers Academy Faculty Chat (and Flayn) – 10:01pm]**

**Seteth** : Professor, help. I’ve been tasked with leading a house leader’s Dungeons and Dragons session. What do I do?

**Professor Byleth** : You write fables, right? Use one of them as inspiration.

**Professor Byleth** : And be prepared for when things go wrong.

**Professor Byleth** : Because they will go wrong.

**Professor Byleth** : Now, my arena is nearly complete.

**Seteth** : Professor!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I do separate one-shots for the Black Eagles, Blue Lions, and Golden Deer D&D sessions? As in an actual story with words and dialogue and scenes and stuff? 
> 
> I've been thinking about it, but I wanted to hear what you guys have to say about it :)
> 
> Now excuse me whilst I go play Tales of Vesperia, or, as I call it, "Tales of Pining"


	44. Drama Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hubert’s a drama queen
> 
> **i wont hesitate, b*tch** : he told me during class that he doesn’t think he’s being romantic enough towards ferdinand
> 
> **dima’s bf** : luckily, we can step up to help you out!
> 
> **Diva Queen** : Dare I ask what you have in mind?
> 
> **dima’s bf** : we’ll get the blue lions involved and form a plan :D
> 
> **Marianne <3**: What are we going to do?
> 
> **dima’s bf** : i have no idea. im hoping that if i keep talking, i’ll come up with something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *pokes head out* 
> 
> Hello? Remember me? 
> 
> I'm not dead, I promise! 
> 
> I've left an update at the end so you can keep up with the trainwreck that is my life. 
> 
> No music today. Play your own favourite songs :D

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 8:45am]**

**Brigid Pride** : It is having the strangeness that we are in the Golden Deer.

**Hubert von Vestra** : So long as they don’t disrupt our education, we should get along fine.

**Diva Queen** : Edie will be sitting next to Claude, so she’ll keep him in line :)

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I have been with the Blue Lions since my father’s visit. They have made me an honorary member :D

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Complete with a specially embroidered Blue Lions bracelet!

**Little King** : Hey! I want one!

**Bernie** : um..... i could sew you all a black eagle one????????

**Diva Queen** : That is a lovely idea, Bernie. Then we know that, wherever we are, we all belong in the Black Eagles house.

**Linhardt** : A little sappy, but okay.

**Brigid Pride** : I would be liking that idea :)

**Brigid Pride** : It can match the one Claude gave me.

**Hubert von Vestra** : What?

**Brigid Pride** : Claude gave me a bracelet that Hilda made. He said it was a sign of our bond through memes :)

**Hubert von Vestra** : Pathetic.

**Brigid Pride** : Would you be liking one, Hubert? You are also a member of the Brotherhood of Chaos :D I can be asking Hilda! Or perhaps a broach that you can pin to your uniform!

**Hubert von Vestra** : ...

**Hubert von Vestra** : I shall pass. My loyalty remains with Lady Edelgard and Ferdinand. Except Ferdinand has been tempted by the Blue Lions. At least Lady Edelgard will not betray me.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Huh? Oh, sorry. Claude was busy plaiting my hair.

**Diva Queen** : Never fucking mind then.

**Linhardt** : Good luck!

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 9:31am]**

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Look how studious Ferdinand is. Look how he pays so much attention in class. If only our own ginger classmate could follow his example.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Not you, Annette. You’re going great, sweetie.

**Annie** : :D

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I meant our other redheaded classmate.

**felix** : says the girl who is talking on her phone in class

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : My point still stands!

**Dedue** : It looks like Linhardt has fallen asleep again.

**Ashe** : Should we wake him up?

**Little King** : I got this.

**Mercie** : Um...

**Mercie** : Did he just lean over and kiss Linhardt?

**felix** : disgusting

**Sylvain Gautier** : C’mon here, Fe!

**felix** : stopppppppppppppppppp;...

**Bernie** : WE SHOULD REALLY BE PAYING ATTENTTION TO THE PROFESSOR. I DON’T WANT TO GET INTO TROUBLE!!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Right you are, Bernadetta!

**Professor Byleth** : I appreciate that you are all hormonal teenagers in new relationships, but please pay attention. Save your making out for break time.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : LMAO.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You just got served.

**Little King** : You’ve been hanging around Hilda for too long...

*

**[house of memes – 10:12am]**

**Diva Queen** : You know, I knew that the Golden Deer were a bunch of slackers, but I didn’t think they were this bad.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Indeed. Or how easy it was to distract Hanneman by asking about his Crest research.

**Diva Queen** : Hilda’s painting her toe nails!

**Diva Queen** : Claude and Edie are braiding each other’s hair!

**Diva Queen** : Lysithea is doing... Something... In the far corner.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I shall go enquire as to what she is going.

**Diva Queen** : And Balthus is... Meditating?

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : We’re not normally like this, I swear.

**Beefy Boi** : But sometimes we’re just not ready for classes to start again after the weekend.

**Marianne <3**: It’s... Wednesday...

**Beefy Boi** : In that case, we’re preparing for an early weekend!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Dear Dorothea, I feel your pain. I have to put up with this nonsense every day!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : If there was a way for me to permanently move to the Black Eagle classroom, I would do it!

**Marianne <3**: Oh! Quickly, Hanneman is ending his story. You should all get back you to your places.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : you’re the best, sweetheart. i managed to get most of my toes done.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Yeah, I know.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : The place stinks now.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’m still worried about Hubert and Lysithea. They seem to doing ominous chanting in the corner.

**Beefy Boi** : We’ll be alright provided they don’t summon Cthulhu.

**Brigid Pride** : Cthulhu? Is he another Fódlan deity I have no heard about?

**Brigid Pride** : I would like to know more about this Cthulhu!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : we’re not summoning cthulhu!

**Diva Queen** : Then what are you doing?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Practicing.

**Diva Queen** : FOR WHAT?!

**Diva Queen** : And now Constance has joined in...

**Brigid Pride** : May we have an F in chat for Dorothea?

**Himbo Energy** : A bit fat F.

*

**[The Black Eagles Sqaud – 11:03am]**

**Diva Queen** : Ferdinand, please come collect your boyfriend.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : What is he doing?

**Diva Queen** : It sounds like he is practicing some dark summoning magic with Lysithea and Constance. He’s started doing it in class and is still going.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I will do what I can!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ferdinand, how did classes go with the Blue Lions?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Superb! The professor is excellent at picking out our strengths and training us up.

**Little King** : Though when I said I wanted to be a war monk, the professor burst out laughing and carried on for about ten minutes :<

**Linhardt** : That requires you to learn faith magic. In the last faith exam you finished second from bottom.

**Linhardt** : The only person who did worse than you was Hubert, and that’s because he didn’t take the test.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I refuse to take part in such nonsense.

**Linhardt** : Even Edelgard beat you, and she’s even worse at the subject.

**Emperor Edelgard** : It wouldn’t do well for the future Emperor to fail even in her weakest subject.

**Little King** : I can learn faith magic! It’s the other one that gives me trouble. Too much reading D:

**Brigid Pride** : I am going to be doing the reading about the Cthuhlu. I am always excited to be learning about new bits of Fódlan culture :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’m certain that the Golden Deer know how to behave themselves :) Our next class is a practical one anyway, taking place in the training yard. Prepare yourselves!

**Emperor Edelgard** : And Hubert, try not to set the place on fire.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I shall try my best.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Ah, there they are. I’m having a quick tea break with Annette and Mercedes. They are going to give me tips on how to keep my hair in excellent condition.

**Bernie** : ferdinand really likes it there

**Bernie** : will he be leaving us for them!?!?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Of course not. He’s a Black Eagle at heart.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : They’ve brought little cakes with them!

**Hubert von Vestra** : ...

*

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos– 11:09am]**

**Hubert von Vestra** : Claude.

**dima’s bf** : yo.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I need ideas for something romantic.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Are you and Ferdie having marital issues?

**Hubert von Vestra** : No. I’m just fearful that he is being lured away from the Black Eagles by the clutches of the Blue Lions.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I mean you no offense, Your Highness.

**claude’s bf** : It is quite alright. 

**claude’s bf** : What do you have in mind?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am clueless when it comes to matters of the romantic stuff. I feel it will take more than an expensive bag of tea to bring him back to where he belongs.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : wait... you’re worried that ferdie is going to leave you, the love of his life, to frolick around with the blue lions??

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : are you jealous??!!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Don’t be absurd! I just want to remind Ferdinand that he an eagle and an important person within the Empire.

**Beefy Boi** : But you just said that you’re clueless about romance, so you must have a little hint of jealousy there.

**Himbo Energy** : Even I can see that you’re jealous.

**Himbo Energy** : You want to do something to show that you care? Apart from throwing gifts at his feet? Why not do what Holst and I are doing this weekend? We’re going climbing along Fódlan’s Throat :D

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : why was i not invited?!

**Himbo Energy** : Because hiking involves work, and you hate work.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : oh yeah...

**Linhardt** : What do you want us to do? We don’t specialise in dating.

**Brigid Pride** : But we can be giving it a try!

**Flayn** : Brother has just asked me to remind you that class has just started again :D

**dima’s bf** : OSHIT

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 11:34am]**

**dima’s bf** : yo, princess. hubert is worried that ferdie is leaving him for the blue lions

**dima’s bf** : ...

**dima’s bf** : yeah, it is pretty funny actually

**claude’s bf** : Is he now? I shall ask Ferdinand himself and see what he says.

**dima’s bf** : just try to be subtle about it. dont just come out and say “hubert thinks you’re leaving him for the blue lions.”

*

**[house of memes – 12:26pm]**

**Diva Queen** : Alright, so what was so funny that it made Edie be sent out the class so she could calm down?

**dima’s bf** : ask hubert

**Diva Queen** : Hubie??

**Hubert von Vestra** : It’s nothing.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It must be something. I’ve never heard Lady Edelgard laugh that hard before.

**Beefy Boi** : Hubert’s having boy troubles.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : What?! Surely not!

**Marianne <3**: Oh no!

**Brigid Pride** : He is thinking that Ferdinand will be leaving us for the Blue Lions.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : He wouldn’t do that to you.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Right?

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : right!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : so what’s the problem????

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hubert’s a drama queen

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : he told me during class that he doesn’t think he’s being romantic enough towards ferdinand

**dima’s bf** : luckily, we can step up to help you out!

**Diva Queen** : Dare I ask what you have in mind?

**dima’s bf** : we’ll get the blue lions involved and form a plan :D

**Marianne <3**: What are we going to do?

**dima’s bf** : i have no idea. im hoping that if i keep talking, i’ll come up with something.

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 12:27pm]**

**claude’s bf** : Ferdinand, may I ask you a question?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Certainly, Your Highness!

**claude’s bf** : Are you happy in the Blue Lion house?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : It is by no means the Black Eagle house, but I am content enough to stay here whilst the classroom is being repaired.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Why do you ask?

**claude’s bf** : No reason...

**felix** : there is a reason. 

**Ashe** : Are you worried that Ferdinand is feeling homesick? :O

**Dedue** : If that is the case, we can do more to welcome him into our house.

**Little King** : You know that myself, Linhardt, and Bernie have also temporarily joined your house, right?

**Dedue** : My apologies. I did not mean to leave you out.

**Dedue** : How are you settling in?

**Little King** : It’s okay. I just miss having a chair that doesn’t creak every time I sit on it.

**Linhardt** : I miss being able to nap.

**Bernie** : iii i miss everyone else!!!!

**Ashe** : So you are all feeling homesick. Are there any treats from the Empire that I can bake to cheer you up?

**Little King** : Hell yeah! Free food! 

**Sylvain Gautier** : It’s great that you’re here. It’s not like you’re thinking about permanently moving into our class, right?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Of course not. I could never do that to Hubert.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I just wish he was a bit more romantic from time to time.

**Sylvain Gautier** : You and me both.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Sometimes I forget that I’m even dating Felix.

**felix** : i still love you, you fool

**felix** : i just dont express my emotions very well

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Yeah.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : We noticed.

*

**[House Leader’s Group Chat – 12:30pm]**

**claude’s bf** : Ferdinand doesn’t want to move to the Blue Lions. He does, however, wish that Hubert was a bit more romantic.

**dima’s bf** : our time to shine!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Are you saying we set up Ferdinand and Hubert on a date? I agree that it is the best choice to do. I just think we should encourage Hubert to ask Ferdinand himself, rather than coming up with a convoluted plan.

**dima’s bf** : hubert is very much a disaster gay. remember how embarrassed he got when he accidentally brushed knuckles with ferdie? AFTER they had already started dating?

**Emperor Edelgard** : I see your point. We may need to step in and help him out.

**Emperor Edelgard** : And so we’re clear: a fake kidnapping is off the table. We do not want Hubert to destroy Garreg Mach.

**dima’s bf** : there goes plan a

**claude’s bf** : That was Plan A?!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You know, the sewers are a great place for a date ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [UPDATE!!!](https://grumpycupcake94.tumblr.com/post/621017303005495296/lets-get-serious)
> 
> I don't know if I've told this story before, but the whole "distract Hanneman by asking about his research" was based on my own experience in GCSE German. We would ask our teacher about his bald spot and then sit back and relax as half the lesson was gone.


	45. Dates and Musicals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[house of memes – 4:30pm]**
> 
> **dima’s bf** : we can definitely do an escape room. we’re the smartest class here
> 
>  **yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : we’re also the dumbest, depending on who you ask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit. 
> 
> I'm back at work and, as counterintuitive as it sounds, I'm glad to be back. It's a good distraction from everything that's been going on :) 
> 
> Enjoy this chapter that took me a week to put together, because my brain hurts. 
> 
> Even more so as there is a heatwave and I am melting.

**[The Brotherhood of Chaos – 12:55pm]**

**Hubert von Vestra** : I have spent my lunchbreak looking up on how to have a romantic date, and the number one idea was taking your loved one to a fancy restaurant. That is so trite and cliché that it loses it effectiveness.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I need fresh ideas.

**Linhardt** : Don’t ask me. My dates with Caspar inevitably end up with us falling asleep beneath a tree.

**Little King** : Yeah! I do some training whilst Lin reads, and then we both have a quick nap against a tree :D

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : ooooh! marianne and i went out on a date to a wildlife park so marianne could feed the animals!

**Himbo Energy** : I’m going for a hike across Fódlan’s Throat with Holst at the weekend. You’ve just got to find something unique that you’ll both enjoy.

**Himbo Energy** : Ferdinand likes tea, right? Why not take him to a special tea place?

**Bernie** : or a museum?????

**Brigid Pride** : What is a “date”? I am not seeing the connection between the days of the year and people having fun with each other.

**Beefy Boi** : It’s like a romantic gathering, isn’t it? Spending time together doing something fun?

**claude’s bf** : Yes, that’s right. Claude and I often go out on nature walks together :)

**Sylvain Gautier** : How about an escape room? I remember when His Highness, Ingrid, Felix, and myself went to one when we were younger. Felix got so annoyed at the riddles that he opened the fire exit and said “There, we’re free.”

**Sylvain Gautier** : It was the best day ever.

**Hubert von Vestra** : An escape room, you say?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Interesting.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I shall have to investigate it further.

*

**[House Leader’s Group Chat – 1:02pm]**

**dima’s bf** : hubert’s thinking about taking ferdie to an escape room.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Really? I was expecting him to go all out on a tea party or posh restaurant.

**dima’s bf** : he said that idea was too cliché and unromantic

**Emperor Edelgard** : He does realise what an escape room is, doesn’t he? It requires thorough investigation and search for clues. Hubert’s normal response to a locked door is to blast it open, which I don’t think they’ll appreciate.

**Emperor Edelgard** : But I’m certain that Ferdinand will love it :)

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat 3:34pm]**

**Annie** : Hubert?? Where are you going? :O

**Hubert von Vestra** : It is a secret. I am taking Ferdinand out on a date somewhere special.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubie??? :D

**Mercie** : Oh, how sweet. Ferdinand was just saying how he wished you were more romantic :)

**Ashe** : Have fun :D

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : don’t stay out too late

**dima’s bf** : says the small child

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : die

**Hubert von Vestra** : We’ll be back before curfew.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Enjoy yourself, you two :)

**Himbo Energy** : What are the odds that they’ll come across a puzzle that they can’t answer and have to get us to do it for them?

**Diva Queen** : Huh? What puzzle?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Oh, right. Forgot you don’t know.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Hubert’s taking Ferdinand to an escape room.

**felix** : pfft.

**felix** : that’s dumb

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You’re just salty because the last time we went, you couldn’t answer any of the puzzles.

**felix** : hmph

**Dedue** : What is an escape room? I have not heard of one. 

**Mercie** : It’s a room with puzzles that need to be solved in order to escape. It’s team-based, and there’s a time limit :3

**Bernie** : sounds scary!!! no thanks!!!!

**Linhardt** : It does pique my curiosity. If there’s something to be solved...

**Annie** : We could all take part in one! Have an inter-house competition :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : That does sound like something we could look into. Maybe at the weekend?

**dima’s bf** : :D

**Beefy Boi** : The Golden Deer will win, for sure. We’ve got Claude, the master schemer.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : ahem

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : And you, Lysithea. You’ve got the best grades out of all of us :)

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : And my intellect will not be matched by any1

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I’m up for the challenge.

**claude’s bf** : We should think about booking before we all turn up. And what about the Ashen Wolves?

**Iced Coco** : I shall gladly take part in this escape room! There is no challenge that I, Constance von Nuvelle, cannot overcome!

**Sad** : sure

**Himbo Energy** : Sorry, no can do.

**Himbo Energy** : I’m hiking with Holst all weekend.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Well, that makes life easier. Constance, Hapi, and myself can join one of the other houses to bring the numbers to nine each.

**Ashe** : Are we actually doing this? :O

**Little King** : Sure! It’s been a while since we’ve had a friendly competition like this!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : That last one didn’t go so well.

**claude’s bf** : Which one was that? The one where we got into a fight over the gatekeeper, or the one where Lysithea and Hubert set the grass on fire?

**Annie** : Wasn’t it the paintball match? That went pretty well, right?

**Dedue** : The Hunger Games were just a simulation.

**Dedue** : I hope.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : im sure it will be

**Marianne <3**: I’m not very good at puzzles.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : you’ll be fine, sweetheart

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Wait, Hubert is taking me to an escape room? How exciting :D I shall use all the tools I have at my disposal to succeed!

**Iced Coco** : As well you should!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Phew, we didn’t need to worry after all. Enjoy yourself!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:18pm]**

**Hubert von Vestra** : As much as I’d hate to admit it, I need help.

**Diva Queen** : What with?

**Hubert von Vestra** : This damned riddle.

**Hubert von Vestra** : “I am at the end the world, and the beginning of a dream. If you wish you succeed, you must learn what I mean. The first number of the combination is my answer. Read closely and have a gander.” 

**Hubert von Vestra** : What nonsense is this?

**Bernie** : isn’t that cheating????

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : did you smuggle your phone in?

**Hubert von Vestra** : They didn’t even check.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Can’t you ask Ferdinand?

**Hubert von Vestra** : He is occupied with a book. I do not wish to disturb him.

**Sylvain Gautier** : It’s the D.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Sylvain, that’s gross. This isn’t the time for your “jokes”.

**Sylvain Gautier** : No, I’m serious. The answer is D. It’s the end of the word “world”, and the beginning of the word “dream”.

**Marianne <3**: And “D” is the fourth letter of the alphabet. Could that be the first number of the combination?

**Hubert von Vestra** : ...

**Hubert von Vestra** : How about you do the rest of the riddle for me?

**Diva Queen** : Do it yourself, Hubie. Isn’t that why you went with Ferdie in the first place?

**Emperor Edelgard** : You’re clever, Hubert. You can figure it out.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Ah, I’m glad you’re all here.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : “The founding months of the countries, all three standing strong. Take out the moons, lest you get it wrong. Add them up, to see what you get. Another number for the combination you shall net.”

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I tried looking in these books, and none of them have the answer! 

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : The Leicester Alliance was founded in the Horsebow Moon. Take out the Moon, and you are left with Horsebow. That is eight letters.

**Ashe** : Faerghus was founded in the Red Wolf Moon. That’s seven letters!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : And Great Tree Moon, minus the Moon, is nine. Nine plus eight plus seven is twenty-four!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Thank you, everyone!

**Diva Queen** : Now solve the rest yourself :)

*

**[house of memes – 4:30pm]**

**dima’s bf** : we can definitely do an escape room. we’re the smartest class here

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : we’re also the dumbest, depending on who you ask

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : We are an eclectic bunch, but I have no doubt we will emerge victorious.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : We’ll just pick Lysithea’s brains.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : that’s right.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : It’ll be fun for us all :D

**Marianne <3**: If you think I’ll be of use to us, then I’ll tag along.

**Beefy Boi** : You’ll be brilliant, Marianne!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Yes, we’re all in this together.

**dima’s bf** : ah, yes, to quote the cinematic masterpiece that is high school musical.

**Beefy Boi** : That’s Maya’s favourite film!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : What in the name of Fódlan is high school musical?!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : you’ve not seen it?! how could you?!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : right, we’re watching it right now. all of us.

**dima’s bf** : damn right, we are!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : If we’re having a film night, shouldn’t we get some snacks?

**dima’s bf** : no time for that, ignatz! we must educate lorenz.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Gods, no!

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 4:35pm]**

**Annie** : Did anyone else just see the Golden Deer chase after Lorenz?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : I thought that was just me.

**felix** : what are they doing?

**Dedue** : I am not sure. Lorenz seemed quite startled by something.

**Lorenz** : I hope he’s not in trouble!

**claude’s bf** : I’ll go ask Claude.

*

**_[private message from claude’s bf to dima’s bf – 4:36pm]_ **

**claude’s bf** : Claude?

**dima’s bf** : lorenz hasn’t seen high school musical

**claude’s bf** : Ah. Carry on.

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 4:37pm]**

**claude’s bf** : Apparently, Lorenz hasn’t seen High School Musical.

**Annie** : :O:O:O

**Mercie** : Oh my. That’s what all the fuss is about?

**Annie** : You don’t understand, Mercie!!!

**Dedue** : I am afraid I do not understand, either.

**Annie** : Let’s go join in with the Golden Deer!

**felix** : no thanks. ingrid forced me to watch it.

**felix** : never again.

**Sylvain Gautier** : I’ll pass, as well.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Felix. You. Me. Training grounds. Now.

**felix** : never thought you’d ask

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:39pm]**

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : hey!! film night at the golden deer classroom! we’re watching high school musical. ignore the fact that lorenz is taped to a chair.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : it’s for his own good.

**Diva Queen** : YES!!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Heh, I’ll tag along :)

**Bernie** : me tooooo!!1

**Linhardt** : No thanks. I’m not into musicals.

**Little King** : Sorry, Lin and I are going over this next assignment we have so that I don’t fail D:

**Brigid Pride** : I am having interest in this musical. I will be watching for the research!

**Brigid Pride** : Oh! Is this what the fashion was like?

**Diva Queen** : We don’t talk about those days...

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:15pm]**

**Hubert von Vestra** : We’re on our way back. We ran out of time.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : We couldn’t work out the answers :(

**Diva Queen** : Shush, we’re watching High School Musical.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Ah, yes, the blight on film musicals.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Actually, I think that the film adapation of Phantom.

**Hubert von Vestra** : That film does not exist.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 4:48pm]**

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Why are Sylvain and Felix making out in the training yard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent two of my three brain cells coming up with the riddles.
> 
> The remaining one saw the phrase "we're all in this together" and thought of high school musical.


	46. The (Mis)Adventures of the House Leaders, Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Hubert von Vestra** : The only coffee that matters is one that is dark as my soul.
> 
>  **Linhardt** : This coming from the man who ate bubblegum ice cream. What colour was it? Bright pink?
> 
>  **I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Bright blue, actually.
> 
>  **Diva Queen** : Really adds to your brooding image, Hubie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been a while, hasn't it? 
> 
> Basically, I've been sick. Yay me. 
> 
> I didn't have enough content for a full chapter, so I merged two half chapters together. 
> 
> For the House Leaders' D&D campaign, I was inspired by BOTW. Can you tell?? I hope to add snippets of their campaign in throughout the upcoming chapters! 
> 
> Enjoy!

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:01pm]**

**Seteth** : Students, would someone care to enlighten me about what is happening in the Golden Deer classroom?

**Diva Queen** : Lorenz hasn’t seen High School Musical. I would have done things differently, but that is the Golden Deer for you.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : it’s for his own good

**Seteth** : I see...

**Seteth** : Please ensure that you free Lorenz from his bindings afterward.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : don’t worry

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : we will

**Seteth** : Make sure you do.

**Seteth** : Whilst I am here, I would like to inform the house leaders that if they wish to have their own Dungeons and Dragons session, I have some free time before evening prayers.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Sure, I’m in.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you, Seteth.

**dima’s bf** : cheers, seteth.

**claude’s bf** : I shall create my character as soon as I am able to.

*

**_[private message from dima’s bf to i wont hesitate, b*tch – 5:02pm]_ **

**dima’s bf** : you’re not going to free lorenz, are you

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : nope

**dima’s bf** : i’m sure someone will

**dima’s bf** : eventually

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 5:14pm]**

**Brigid Pride** : I am having the confusion about “wildcats”. Wild cats are many different species of cat. There are panthers, jaguars, lions, tigers, cougars, leopards, and many more! Why are they just being called the “wildcats”?

**Brigid Pride** : And why is it called “basketball”? The ball is not shaped a like basket??

**Emperor Edelgard** : We will explain everything at the end, Petra.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I think Lorenz is about to have an aneurysm.

**Bernie** : oh no!!!! will he be alright?????

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : He’ll be fine.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 6:30pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Alright we’ve finished watching the film. Hubert and Ferdinand, how did the escape room go?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : We could not escape :(

**Hubert von Vestra** : In the end, the staff had to let us out. They were most insistent that I could not blast the door down.

**Hubert von Vestra** : How vexing.

**Annie** : But you had fun, right?! That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it? A fun date with Ferdinand :3

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Hubert and I stopped off at an ice cream parlour on the way back :)

**Mercie** : Was it The Sweet Treat? Annie and I go there on a regular basis. They do such wonderful sundaes. Our favourite is the strawberry and cookie cheesecake: strawberry ice cream, cookie dough, chocolate sauce, topped with whipped cream :D

**Annie** : It tastes soooo good!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : It was The Sweet Treat! Sadly, we did not have time for a sundae. Instead, we got a tub to eat on the way back home.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Nice! What flavour did you get?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I had the refreshing lemon sorbet!

**Ashe** : And Hubert?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I merely shared Ferdinand’s. I did not have my own.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : He had the bubblegum ice cream :3

**Hubert von Vestra** : The colour intrigued me.

**Ashe** : Dedue! We should pay it a visit at some stage. Do they have any other treats?

**Mercie** : All sorts of cakes :3

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : cake!

**Dedue** : I would love to go with you.

**Dedue** : Shall I invite His Highness along?

**Ashe** : I was thinking it could be a date. With the two of us. 

**Dedue** : I see.

**Dedue** : I look forward to it.

**Ashe** : Yay! 

**Sylvain Gautier** : It’s a shame that Felix doesn’t enjoy sweets. Sounds like a lovely place to be.

**felix** : i don’t have a sweet tooth.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You have weird tastes anyway, Felix.

**Sylvain Gautier** : I know he does. He agreed to be my boyfriend.

**Dedue** : No need to be like that, Sylvain. I’m sure Felix loves you deep down.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : It’s not just that. Felix also likes that Almyran Pine Needle tea.

**dima’s bf** : hey! that’s the good stuff!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : It tastes like trees!

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I have a liking for that tea, as well. There is a unique flavour that you cannot find anywhere else.

**Linhardt** : Oh, are we talking about the pine needle tea? I admit that I may have a cup or two when I’m doing my research.

**Himbo Energy** : Yeah! It gives me a little pick me up when I’m doing my training! And Holst likes it too!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : What is wrong with you?!

**Sad** : in the end, tea is just leaf water.

**Hubert von Vestra** : And this is why I stick to coffee. You know where you are with coffee.

**Sad** : and coffee is bean water

**Little King** : Plus there’s all different kinds of coffee! Cappuccino, latte, cortado, espresso...

**Diva Queen** : Caspar, I am impressed! I didn’t know you knew so much about coffee.

**Little King** : Eh, I just looked them all up.

**Hubert von Vestra** : The only coffee that matters is one that is dark as my soul.

**Linhardt** : This coming from the man who ate bubblegum ice cream. What colour was it? Bright pink?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : Bright blue, actually.

**Diva Queen** : Really adds to your brooding image, Hubie.

**Marianne <3**: Um... Should we do help Lorenz? He’s still tied to his chair.

**dima’s bf** : i guess so

**dima’s bf** : anyways, brb. seteth’s about to start the house leader campaign

**Iced Coco** : How nice it must be to actually be playing, and not have your character ruthlessly murdered! Hapi!!!

**Sad** : no idea what you’re talking about.

**Iced Coco** : Hmph!!!

*

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 6:45pm]**

**Seteth** : Welcome. I trust you have your characters at the ready? If you are playing as a class with access to magic, choose two cantrips and two level one spells. If there are no cantrips, you may have three level one spells. I assume you can all be trusted to use a random number generator and not cheat?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Of course. As for my character, I thought about doing something different, so I’m an elf sorcerer. From my brief stint as a DM, it seems like magic classes are the way to go.

**claude’s bf** : I wanted to keep things close to home, so I am a human paladin.

**dima’s bf** : i was originally a human ranger, but i’ve changed things up a bit and now i’m a half-elf ranger.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Seeing as we are all going for spells, I’m a tiefling cleric. Because nothing is more terrifying than a tiefling smiting enemies in the name of the Goddess.

**Seteth** : Very well. Let us begin. The four of you are elite warriors, the best of the best in the land of Fódlana. You each represent the four corners of the land: Edelgard, the south; Dimitri, the north; Claude, the east; and Yuri, the west.

**Seteth** : In the south, where the Elves live, Edelgard is the princess and heir to the throne of the Empire. Her talents are second to none, thanks to her mentor who taught her since she was a child. There are few who would dare challenge the princess in battle, for they are sure to lose.

**Seteth** : To the north is the Kingdom of Humans. Their crown prince, Dimitri, has made a name for himself as a paladin, one who has sworn a sacred oath to the Goddess of Fódlana. Though he is next in line to the throne, he spends most of his time around the Kingdom, helping out those in need.

**Seteth** : To the east is a land that has no rigid hierarchy. Nor is it a place where a single race resides. The east is where those with no homes go to live. Most of its citizens are half-races, who were ostracised and cast out of their homes. One such person is Claude, a ranger who is half-human, half-elf. Leaders are elected based on their strength, and whispers are that Claude is in line to be the next leader.

**Seteth** : And finally, to the west, there is the home of the Tieflings. These mysterious people kept to themselves, only venturing beyond their borders for trading and business. Yuri, a young cleric, is one of the first to willingly leave his land after receiving a divine revelation from the Goddess. But that was not the only reason he left.

**Seteth** : An ancient evil was threatening Fódlana, and the four strongest from the four corners were needed to combat it. They were Edelgard, Dimitri, Claude, and Yuri. The four of them donned monikers: The Eagle, The Lion, The Deer, and The Wolf, respectively.

**Seteth** : Together, they would be the ones to rid the world of the danger that lurked beneath the surface.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Heh, nice.

**claude’s bf** : Impressive, Seteth!

**dima’s bf** : i knew we could trust you to be dm, seteth!

**Emperor Edelgard** : That was wonderful storytelling, Seteth. What happens next?

**Seteth** : You are all on your way to what appears to be a hideout of sorts. Someone at a local tavern gave you a tip that some members of the evil that threatened the world were holed up there. On your way to investigate, some bandits leap out from behind some bushes. As they have taken you by surprise, you are at a disadvantage. Roll me a 1d20. I’m feeling generous, so all I need you to beat is a ten.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Fourteen, minus the one. Thirteen.

**claude’s bf** : I only got a four.

**dima’s bf** : ouch!

**dima’s bf** : ...

**dima’s bf** : that’s a crit fail if i’ve ever seen one

**dima’s bf** : i’ve rolled a one

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Yikes.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Luck is on my side. I’ve got a thirteen. Fourteen, minus the one.

**Seteth** : Edelgard and Yuri, you get to add one to your next roll. Dimitri and Claude, I’m afraid you are at a disadvantage before you engage in combat. Dimitri, add one disadvantage. Claude, add two.

**dima’s bf** : rip me

**Seteth** : Roll me another 1d20 to determine starting order.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Seveteen, plus the one. I have eighteen. 

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You’re a lucky one, princess.

**dima’s bf** : OH YEAH! THAT’S A NATURAL TWENTY!

**dima’s bf** : minus the two, that’s eighteen.

**claude’s bf** : Nicely done, Claude!

**claude’s bf** : I have seventeen, which was eighteen minus the one.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Ah, I only have a fourteen.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Looks like I’m going last.

**Seteth** : Edelgard and Claude, roll another 1d20 to determine who goes first.

**dima’s bf** : THAT’S ANOTHER TWENTY!

**Emperor Edelgard** : I have eleven, so Claude wins this time.

**dima’s bf** : I think I’m cursed to either have a one or a twenty.

**Seteth** : Claude, as you are going first, please tell me what you wish to do.

**dima’s bf** : as the princess no doubt has some magic up her sleeve, i want to roll to find out how many bandits there are.

**Seteth** : Roll me 1d20. Now that you have calmed down, you still only need to be a ten with no disadvantages.

**dima’s bf** : ten, on the dot.

**Seteth** : From what you can see, there are nine bandits all armed with simple iron weapons. Edelgard, your turn.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Everyone, close your eyes. Colour Spray.

**dima’s bf** : huh???

**claude’s bf** : Ah, Annette was fond of that spell.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : This should be interesting.

**Seteth** : I assume that, as an area spell, there is no need to roll to hit. Go straight to 6d10 to determine damage.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Nine, nine, ten, six, seven, and nine.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Dear Gods, princess, there won’t be anything left of them!

**dima’s bf** : how is this spell allowed?!

**claude’s bf** : I really do not know.

**Seteth** : According to this manual, it is not a contact spell. But, if you insist that it is, then I can bend the rules. Blinding lights flash from Edelgard’s hands. The bandits are knocked backward, hands over their eyes as they roll around in pain. They are confused and disoriented, with some of them bleeding from their noses and ears.

**Seteth** : Dimitri, you’re up next.

**claude’s bf** : I shall use Detect Magic to see if any of them are mages. They may have been sent by someone to tag us out, so I want to see if they have been in contact with magic.

**dima’s bf** : you’re so smart, dima!

**Seteth** : As you cast your spell, you immediately see that the leader of the bandits is glowing with a black aura that should not be there. They do not look like the type to use dark magic. You can see this same aura along the path, disappearing as the path takes a turn.

**dima’s bf** : So they were hired to kill us. And by someone who uses horrific magic, by the looks of it. Could it be the people we’re after?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Maybe so. Doesn’t matter, these bandits picked the wrong people to mess with. I point my finger at the nearest one and cast guiding bolt.

**Seteth** : Roll me 1d20 to determine if it hits. They are still stunned, so you need to beat a five.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Seventeen. No problems.

**Seteth** : Now roll me 4d6.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Five, six, two, and another two. Fifteen damage.

**Seteth** : The man you pointed at is struck by a bolt of lightning. He doesn’t put up much of a fight as he is charred from the inside. His corpse twitches as the other bandits get to their feet. Claude, back to you.

**dima’s bf** : right... um... i’ll cast hunters mark which will allow me to add 1d6 on my next turn.

**Seteth** : You feel the call of the wild flow through you, your senses sharpening as you pick your target. Edelgard? 

**Emperor Edelgard** : I will use Ice Knife.

**Seteth** : As the bandits are now on their feet, it will be harder to hit. You need to be a ten with a 1d20.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Fifteen.

**Seteth** : Now, roll a 1d10 along with 2d6.

**dima’s bf** : who gave edelgard access to these spells??

**Emperor Edelgard** : The sorcerer class did.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Five from the 1d10, and six and four from the 2d6.

**Seteth** : The person you targeted is pierced by the ice knife, which then explodes. Those standing close to him take ten points of damage. Dimitri, your go.

**claude’s bf** : I will use Command to make the leader remain where he is. If possible, we need him alive so we can get information from him.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Not bad. Between you and Claude, I can see you hold your shared brain cell.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : If there’s any that are close to death, I’ll finish them off with a sacred flame.

**Seteth** : One of the men do appear to be mortally wounded, so roll me a 1d20. They aren’t moving nor are they prone. So let’s say you need to beat a seven.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : And that is a twenty. I daresay I can aim for his head?

**Seteth** : I suppose so. Roll me 1d10 for damage.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Luck is definitely on my side. Ten.

**Emperor Edelgard** : There won’t be anything left of him.

**Seteth** : Indeed. Fire rains down from the heavens and strikes the bandit. He doesn’t last long as he is consumed by the flames. Claude, your Hunter’s Mark is active. Make your move.

**dima’s bf** : i aim for the knee of the one closest to me. not to kill them, just to immobilise them.

**Seteth** : The knee is such a small surface area. Are you sure you trust yourself to make the roll? I’m looking for a fifteen.

**dima’s bf** : i’ll make it.

**Seteth** : As you wish. Roll me a 1d20. Know that if you miss, you could hit something else or miss them entirely.

**claude’s bf** : Good luck, Claude!

**Emperor Edelgard** : You can do it!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Don’t fuck it up.

**dima’s bf** : ...

**dima’s bf** : i messed up.

**Seteth** : How badly?

**_dima’s bf posted a link: oh_no.img_ **

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You fucked it up.

**Seteth** : Ahem. Roll me a 1d10 and add a 1d6.

**dima’s bf** : what have you got planned, seteth?

**Seteth** : You’ll see.

**dima’s bf** : dear goddess, let me roll low. do not get max damage

**dima’s bf** : oh no...

**Seteth** : I assume you landed on a ten and a six, yes?

**dima’s bf** : yes...

**Emperor Edelgard** : I cannot tell if you have the worst luck or the best luck, Claude.

**claude’s bf** : Who does he hit, Seteth?

**Seteth** : Claude’s arrow misses it target of the bandit’s knee, and sails through the head of the bandit leader, flying out from the other side and planting into a tree. Terrified by the death, the other bandits all stumble away from the scene, leaving behind their dead.

**dima’s bf** : DAMNIT!

**dima’s bf** : there goes our chance of questioning him.

**claude’s bf** : Do not fret, Claude. I can still detect their magic and follow the trail. It should lead us to our next clue.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : And we still have that lead about the supposed hideout. It’s not that bad, Claude.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, and you have freed us from the battle. You did alright.

**dima’s bf** : thanks, guys.

**Seteth** : Unfortunately, we shall have to pick this up another time. I need to prepare for evening prayers. Have a good evening.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you, Seteth, for agreeing to host this.

**claude’s bf** : I enjoyed myself tonight :)

**dima’s bf** : so do i!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I’ll see if I can host another game where Hapi doesn’t kill everyone. Until next time, Seteth.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:01pm]**

**dima’s bf** : what the hell is happening? i leave to play d&d and i find lorenz, ferdinand, and sylvain in the infirmary????

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : We can explain, Claude...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Claude's mishap was based on my own accident during a session where, because I was invisible (long story short, someone in the party created a spell of invisibility that didn't have an off switch), I couldn't see what I was doing. I threw a knife, missed my intended target, and hit an important NPC right in the neck. 
> 
> Whoops. 
> 
> (As I have my own dice, I used those to get the rolls. Except for Claude's failure. That was for the funsies.)
> 
> (Also, because I'm doing so a solo Golden Deer run, I had to look up what characters like Almyran Pine Needle tea. If I'm wrong about their tastes, I'm sorry!!)


	47. The Three Way Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Linhardt** : If you pause it at just the right moment, you can see Lorenz’s soul leaving his body.
> 
>  **Himbo Energy** : RIP In Peace
> 
>  **dima’s bf** : he will never be forgotten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone!
> 
> I have a short update today because I am going to be working a lot over this week. 
> 
> ~~also my depression is a pain in the arse and is preventing me from doing serious work~~
> 
> Enjoy!

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:02pm]**

**dima’s bf** : seriously, what the hell happened?

**Diva Queen** : Do you want the full story or the TL;DR version?

**dima’s bf** : the full story

**dima’s bf** : spill the tea, people

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : You know how we kinda left Lorenz tied to his chair after we finished the film?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : And how that made him quite annoyed?

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : more like absolutely fuming

**dima’s bf** : go on...

**Diva Queen** : Ferdie, being the gentlemen he is, came to Lorenz’s rescue. As he was doing so, Sylvain wouldn’t stop laughing about it. He was saying something about “how the mighty have fallen.”

**Diva Queen** : This, in turn, made Lorenz even more enraged.

**Dedue** : Ferdinand tried to his best to calm everyone down, getting between Lorenz and Sylvain.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Lorenz went to punch Sylvain, but Sylvain stepped out the way. 

**Marianne <3**: He, umm... He hit Ferdinand in the face. 

**Iced Coco** : Such disgraceful behaviour! How can a member of the nobility act in such a manner?!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Have you met Lorenz?

**Brigid Pride** : Would you say that Ferdinand has been decked?

**Brigid Pride** : I was researching the slang, and to “deck” someone is to hit them with enough force to cause them to fall. That is what happened, correct?

**Diva Queen** : Right! Lorenz hit Ferdie with enough force that he fell to the floor.

**Annie** : Oh no! D:

**Beefy Boi** : Lorenz? Really?! He's got the skinniest arms out of all of us! 

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : What happened next? 

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Naturally, Lorenz is in deep shit with Hubert, who responded by... Well...

**Emperor Edelgard** : Oh dear. Hubert didn’t blast Lorenz with magic, did he?!

**Marianne <3**: No, nothing like that.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : How do we put this delicately...?

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!:** hubie carried lorenz over to the stables and dumped him into a pile of horse muck

**dima’s bf** : PFFTTTTT!!!

**Himbo Energy** : HA!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : eww!!!!

**Ashe** : Yuck!

**sad** : heh

**sad** : nice

**Emperor Edelgard** : I shall have a word with Hubert later about this... Behaviour. I have not seen him act like this before.

**dima’s bf** : so lorenz punched ferdie and hubert responded by dumping lorenz into horse poop. how did sylvain end up in the infirmary?

**felix** : being an idiot

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : As he was partially the one responsible for all this, Sylvain ran away. He slipped on a loose paving slab and sprained his wrist.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : So that is why all three are now in the infirmary. Ferdinand and Sylvain to have their injuries healed, and Lorenz to nurse his wounded ego. Professor Manuela was not impressed.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : At all.

**Seteth** : So that is what has happened. I shall agree to keep this little incident between us, so long as those responsible are punished. Ferdinand, as it seems that you were merely trying to stop a fight, I shall I let you off. Hubert and Lorenz, I want you both to report to my office tomorrow after classes have ended and write out two hundred lines about not fighting. Sylvain, I want you to write fifty lines about not being an instigator.

**Seteth** : Do this, and I will not report you to Lady Rhea. Understood?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Of course, Seteth.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I understand.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Me?! Detention?!

**Seteth** : The alternative is being banned from the chatroom.

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Alright. I accept my punishment.

**dima’s bf** : it was sort of our fault we left him in that chair in the first place

**Seteth** : As noble as your intentions to take the blame are, Claude, if I had to punish anyone remotely involved, nearly everyone would be having a detention. Instead, I shall focus on the sole participants. Unless you wish for a detention?

**dima’s bf** : no thanks

**Seteth** : I didn’t think so.

**Little King** : Man, I wish I could have seen it for myself!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : i filmed it!

**_yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk! posted a link: garreg_mach_fight_club.vid_ **

**Little King** : Thanks, Hilda!

**Linhardt** : If you pause it at just the right moment, you can see Lorenz’s soul leaving his body.

**Himbo Energy** : RIP In Peace

**dima’s bf** : he will never be forgotten

*

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 8:29pm]**

**Emperor Edelgard** : Ferdinand, how are you feeling?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I am doing alright, Lady Edelgard. Whilst Lorenz did pack quite a punch, it was nothing Professor Manuela could not handle.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : I was trying to break up a fight between Lorenz and Sylvain. The next thing I knew I was on the floor with a bloodied nose.

**Little King** : It was a hell of a punch! I had no idea Lorenz could fight like that.

**Linhardt** : From what I heard, Lorenz has been trying to improve his brawling skill, as his weakness is something that cannot be tolerated.

**Little King** : But he’s like a stick!

**Linhardt** : A stick that can throw a hefty punch.

**Bernie** : i don’t want us to fight! can’t we all just get along????

**Brigid Pride** : I am in agreeance with Bernadetta. I want us all to be friends.

**Brigid Pride** : We’re all in this together, are we not?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Be that as it may, we still need to discuss the elephant in the room.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hubert?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I admit I acted rather immaturely. I was aware that it was an accident, as he meant to hit Sylvain. But, if people start injuring people on accident without repercussion, they will get too comfortable with thinking that it is the norm. I had to banish that train of thought before it could leave the station.

**Diva Queen** : That’s an eloquent way of saying that you wanted revenge for your boyfriend being hit.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I could not use my spells, as he would not be alive to learn the lesson. Instead, I chose the non-lethal option.

**Linhardt** : Which happened to be the smelliest option.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Correct.

**Hubert von Vestra** : And I would do it again in a heartbeat should someone make the same mistake.

**Diva Queen** : How romantic.

**Linhardt** : Would you have done anything if he had punched Sylvain?

**Hubert von Vestra** : I wouldn’t have bothered as Felix would have stepped in. There’s no telling what he would have done.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Heh. He might have done the exact same thing. 

**Brigid Pride** : Is dropping the people into horse muck also a Fódlan tradition?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Absolutely not.

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 8:31pm]**

**claude’s bf** : Sylvain, are you feeling alright? I know you didn’t mean for this to happen.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Yeah, I’m cool. I was laughing at Lorenz because of how funny he looked, and it escalated out of control.

**Sylvain Gautier** : I also did not expect him to get like... That(TM)

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : No-one did.

**Annie** : I’m just glad you’re alright! You took a nasty fall, after all.

**Mercie** : Make sure you rest that wrist for the night. You don’t want to make the sprain worse by overexerting yourself.

**Dedue** : Indeed. You need your wrist to be able to write those lines. A shame you have detention for something you had no idea would happen.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Hey, these things happen. It sucks that Ferdinand got hit, but I wasn’t about to stand around waiting for someone to punch me. I thought he would move, as well.

**felix** : obviously he didn’t

**felix** : not your fault

**Mercie** : I hope we can all put this behind us :)

**Annie** : Yes! Move on as friends!

**Ashe** : I hope Lady Rhea doesn’t ban us again from the group chat.

**claude’s bf** : Provided Seteth keeps his word, we should be in the clear.

**felix** : hmph. lorenz should count himself lucky that he missed sylvain

**Sylvain Gautier** : Felix! You do care about me :3

**felix** : i didn’t want you getting hurt, obviously

**felix** : i would have done it for anybody

**claude’s bf** : Except me.

**claude’s bf** : You would have let me be punched in the face.

**felix** : yes

*

**[house of memes – 8:34pm]**

**dima’s bf** : lorenz

**dima’s bf** : my dude

**dima’s bf** : my guy

**dima’s bf** : u okay, bro?

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Am I okay?! First, you force to watch that godawful film whilst holding me hostage. Then, you leave me taped to my chair! After Ferdinand freed me, Sylvain had the audacity to laugh and say how I have fallen from grace. And then! After ACCIDENTALLY attacking Ferdinand, Hubert just had to give me the coup de grâce by dropping me into that pile of vile waste. 

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : And now I have to write out lines like a naughty child being caught fighting. Me! Oh, my father will have kittens if he hears that I, the heir to the esteemed House Gloucester, have been put into detention!

**Beefy Boi** : Seems like the blow to his pride hurt more than being dumped into that horse muck. 

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Of course! Oh, Sylvain was right! I have fallen from grace!

**dima’s bf** : go lie on your fainting couch and i’ll fetch you some tea

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : You have my thanks, Claude.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : lorenz has a fainting couch?

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : why does this not surprise me

**Marianne <3**: I hope nothing bad comes between us and the other two houses. I have friends in both the Black Eagles and Blue Lions. I’d hate for us to become enemies.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’m sure that won’t happen.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : You’ll be alright, Marianne :)

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : This was one little spat that has been resolved pretty quickly.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Nothing to worry about :D

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : hey, claude?

**dima’s bf** : i think lorenz has suffered enough, lysithea

**dima’s bf** : i will not be changing his name to lorenz horsepoop gloucester

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : damnit

*

**[Ashens Wolves Group Chat – 8:40pm]**

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : So, Balthus, how about we invite Lorenz and Hubert to your next brawling session?

**Himbo Energy** : Hell yeah!

**Sad** : they won’t last very long

**Iced Coco** : I hope you’re not suggesting that we turn this into a regular occurrence?!

**Himbo Energy** : Weren’t you using my punching bags the other day?

**Iced Coco** : I... I was merely testing them to see if they were still intact! It is important to keep your equipment in tip top shape!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Whatever you say, Puncherella.

**Iced Coco** : What did you just call me?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's your reminder that I turn 26 this month, and I am laughing at poop jokes.


	48. Cheese Gremlin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Diva Queen** : Nothing against the Golden Deer, of course, but I do miss being in a classroom and actually learning about something.
> 
>  **i wont hesitate, b*tch** : that’s fair
> 
>  **Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I promise you, we do work sometimes!
> 
>  **yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : when the stars and planets align
> 
>  **dima’s bf** : and a blue moon appears in the sky
> 
>  **Beefy Boi** : We’re more of a “learn on the job” kind of class :D
> 
>  **Diva Queen** : I’ve noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! 
> 
> Sorry if this chapter is a bit weird. I'm sleep deprived and my brain hurts :<
> 
> This one goes out to those who know what they did.

**_[private message from dima’s bf to yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk! – 9:05pm]_ **

**dima’s bf** : lorenz is still wallowing in the depths of his dispair

**dima’s bf** : i can hear him through the walls

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : lol sucks to be you

**dima’s bf** : imma sleep in dima’s room tonight. the bed may be smaller but at least i’ll get some sleep

**dima’s bf** : i can’t tell if he’s moping over punching ferdie, being dumped into horse muck, or getting a detention

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : all three?

**dima’s bf** : probably

*

**_[private message from felix to Lorenz Hellman Gloucester – 12:03am]_ **

**felix** : stfu i can hear you whinging from over here

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 2:20am]**

**dima’s bf** : okay, who the fuck is moving around at this hour?

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You heard it as well? It sounded like it was coming from next to me.

**Hubert von Vestra** : How bothersome.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : wtf is going on

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : can’t a girl get her beauty sleep in peace??

**Little King** : I thought it was me hearing things.

**Marianne <3**: What’s going on?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Not again! I hope whoever this is isn’t going to vandalise anything else!

**dima’s bf** : onwards! follow them!

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Right!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : good luck, im going back to bed

**Little King** : I’ll go with you!

**Little King** : Linhardt is snoring so I’m not getting any sleep anytime soon.

**dima’s bf** : onwards!

**dima’s bf** : oh, and dima is coming with us :3

**Emperor Edelgard** : Let me accompany you. Seteth is less likely to punish all three of us if we are caught.

**Hubert von Vestra** : An excuse to lurk in the shadows? You shouldn’t have.

**dima’s bf** : look, over there! a figure heading towards the pond.

**Little King** : Who is it?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Let us keep our distance.

**claude’s bf** : Did you have to bring your lance along with you?

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You never know who it might be! Better to be prepared, Your Highness.

**Hubert von Vestra** : They’re entering the kitchens? How peculiar.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : What are they doing?

**dima’s bf** : we’re about to find out.

**dima’s bf** : HOLY SHIT WTF?!?!?!?!?

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 3:01am]**

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : who the fuck is screaming at three in the morning

**Diva Queen** : How rude.

**Marianne <3**: Claude heard someone sneaking out. He and some others went to go investigate.

**Diva Queen** : Edie?

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’ll explain tomorrow, Dorothea.

**Seteth** : Yes, please enlighten us, Edelgard. Why were many of you sneaking around after hours?

**Emperor Edelgard** : BWAH Seteth

**Emperor Edelgard** : Sorry.

**Seteth** : All of you, go to bed.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 8:03am]**

**Seteth** : Good morning, everyone. This is a reminder that Sylvain, Hubert, and Lorenz need to report to my office at lunchtime. Failure to turn up with result in Lady Rhea being made aware of your little fight.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Isn’t that blackmail?

**Seteth** : Perhaps. Would you prefer it if I told Lady Rhea?

**Sylvain Gautier** : No thanks!

**Hubert von Vestra** : Heh. I cannot help but be impressed by your tactics, Seteth.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I will attend, of course. A small price to pay for doing what needed to be done.

**Little King** : You always make things sound way more terrifying than they need to be.

**Linhardt** : Such are the ways of Hubert.

**Emperor Edelgard** : He does have a soft side.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : And he gives the most wonderful of hugs :D

**Bernie** : he’s still pretty scary!!!!!

**Mercie** : I imagine he is a big softie once you get to know him. Much like Dedue :3

**Seteth** : Before I prepare for my duties, I would like to inform everyone that the Black Eagle classroom has been cleaned out. It is still not suitable for purpose, so for the remainder of this week, the Black Eagles will have to remain in their respective classrooms.

**Diva Queen** : Oh, thank goodness.

**Diva Queen** : Nothing against the Golden Deer, of course, but I do miss being in a classroom and actually learning about something.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : that’s fair

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : I promise you, we do work sometimes!

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : when the stars and planets align

**dima’s bf** : and a blue moon appears in the sky

**Beefy Boi** : We’re more of a “learn on the job” kind of class :D

**Diva Queen** : I’ve noticed.

**Emperor Edelgard** : We only have a couple of more days until the weekend. We can hold out until then :)

**Emperor Edelgard** : I wonder what is in store for us all today.

**Seteth** : One moment. Why were so many of you out and about last night?

**Linhardt** : Yeah, your screaming woke me up.

**claude’s bf** : Forgive us, Seteth. Claude heard footsteps, and thought it best he go after them in case they were going to vandalise a classroom.

**dima’s bf** : we tracked them down to the dining room

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : We meant to corner them...

**Little King** : They scared the shit out of us!

**Seteth** : And who was this person?

**claude’s bf** : Well...

**Hubert von Vestra** : It was our very own Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, eating cheese whiz from the can.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : WHAT?!

**Annie** : Lorenz????

**Ashe** : Cheese whiz?

**felix** : disgusting

**Himbo Energy** : Huh???

**Marianne <3**: Umm...

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Did he scare you?

**Beefy Boi** : Or you scare him?

**Emperor Edelgard** : We scared each other. Ingrid might have thwacked him with her lance.

**Bernie** : is that why lornez has a bump on his head

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I was hungry!

**Beefy Boi** : For cheese whiz?

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : Yes!

**Seteth** : I see. No further questions. Please make your way to class.

**dima’s bf** : lorenz

**dima’s bf** : it’ll be alright, bro

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 10:31am]**

**Brigid Pride** : I am having a question?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, Petra?

**Brigid Pride** : I was wanting to try and cook a rice dish, but I have been hearing that you need to wash the rice before cooking it. Is this true?

**Dedue** : It can help with improving the texture and the flavour. It also eliminates any clumps that can form.

**dima’s bf** : wash rice with soap

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : What the fuck, Claude.

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : That’s not a question. What the actual fuck.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRK!** : pop some scented soap in for the flavour

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : What the Hell is wrong with you?!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : chomp the soap

**Dedue** : Please do not eat the soap

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Are the Golden Deer high or something?

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Crunchy

**dima’s bf** : we weren’t able to distract hanneman. we need to let off our chaotic energy

**dima’s bf** : help us

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : We actually had to learn something!

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I know. How awful.

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : stfu cheese gremlin

**dima’s bf** : CHEESE GREMLIN

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Lorenz has no rights.

**Ashe** : What if you were to add food colouring to your rice? You could make rainbow rice :D

**Annie** : Ashe.

**Annie** : Ashe, why have you forsaken us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's so short :<
> 
> I'll try harder next time!


	49. Classroom Switcheroo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:32pm]**
> 
> **Pegasus Knight 1180** : Hey, has anyone seen Felix?
> 
>  **Brigid Pride** : Ferdinand is also being absent.
> 
>  **Diva Queen** : I can’t speak for Felix, but I know Ferdinand will be waiting by Seteth’s office for Hubert to finish his detention. 
> 
> **Annie** : Felix isn’t at the training yard. Oh! Could he be waiting for Sylvain?!
> 
>  **felix** : of course i’m not waiting for sylvain
> 
>  **I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : He is. Did you need him for something?
> 
>  **Ashe** : We were wondering where he is, that’s all.
> 
>  **felix** : traitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeks head out*
> 
> Hello?
> 
> It has been a while, and I'm sorry. I don't really have any excuses apart from the fact I decided to take an impromptu break. Again. Plus I've been working on other stuff, so all I can really say is sorry! 
> 
> I was going to post yesterday, as it was my 26th birthday, but I fell asleep in a cake-induced coma. So here's an update today! 
> 
> Enjoy!

**[The Black Eagle Squad – 12:15pm]**

**Hubert von Vestra** : It is time for me to go to Seteth’s office for my detention.

**Brigid Pride** : I am wishing you the best of luck :)

**Bernie** : good luck!!!

**Linhardt** : He won’t need it. Writing lines isn’t so hard.

**Little King** : He’ll get it done in no time :D

**Emperor Edelgard** : Remember, Hubert, do not start a fight with them.

**Hubert von Vestra** : You have no need to worry, Lady Edelgard. Rest assured; it won’t be happening again.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : You’ll be alright, Hubie. I’ll be waiting for you when you’ve finished.

**Diva Queen** : It’s just detention, Ferdie. It’s not like he’s going to die.

**Diva Queen** : You’re not seriously going to camp outside of Seteth’s office until he’s finished, right?

**Diva Queen** : Are you?!

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 12:16pm]**

**Sylvain Gautier** : Right, I’m off :D

**felix** : why are you happy about this?

**Sylvain Gautier** : Because I know I did nothing wrong :D

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : You instigated a fight!

**Sylvain Gautier** : It’s not like I meant for Lorenz to get annoyed at me. All I did was laugh at something that was objectively funny.

**claude’s bf** : This wouldn’t have happened if you had kept quiet, Sylvain. I suppose all we can do now is move on from this.

**Annie** : Yes! After all, some of the Eagles are still in our class. Like Ferdinand! :D

**Mercie** : Isn’t Hubert in with the Golden Deer? Oh my, I hope he and Lorenz don’t start fighting again.

**Dedue** : That would be unfortunate. We should raise this point to Seteth and see what he says.

**Ashe** : Good idea!

**Ashe** : Who else from the Eagles is in our class? We have Ferdinand, Bernadetta...

**Dedue** : Caspar and Linhardt. I doubt either of them would be willing to swap places with Hubert.

**Little King** : Only way I’m swapping is if Linhardt comes with me!

**Linhardt** : The Deer are too chaotic for my liking. I’d prefer it if I stayed here.

**Annie** : Which means Bernie would have to move to the Deer and swap with Hubert.

**Bernie** : wahaaaa??? ME?????

**claude’s bf** : Let us not jump to conclusions. It would be best if we raised this point with Seteth first.

**Sylvain Gautier** : I’ll mention it whilst I’m in his office.

*

**[house of memes – 12:17pm]**

**Lorenz Hellman Gloucester** : I am off to face my punishment. I shall do so with the dignity someone of my status is expected to.

**_dima’s bf changed Lorenz Hellman Gloucester’s name to cheese gremlin_ **

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : pfffft!

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : good luck, cheese gremlin

**cheese gremlin** : It was one time!

**Beefy Boi** : Nothing wrong with cheese whiz!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I’m concerned about what’s going to happen when we return to class. Hubert and Lorenz spent the whole lesson glaring at each other, like they were going to start another fight.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : More like Hubert was working out a way to covertly vaporise Lorenz. This can’t go on. We need to swap Hubert out with someone from the Blue Lions.

**Hubert von Vestra** : I am still here, you know.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I agree with Leonie. Hubert, I know you are my vassal, but to ensure nothing else happens, I believe it would be best if you swapped with one our classmates currently in the Blue Lions. Swapping with Ferdinand would be pointless, as Lorenz was the one who initially hit him.

**Diva Queen** : Caspar and Linhardt would want to stick together.

**Brigid Pride** : That is leaving Bernadetta as the one who can swap with Hubert. She would be liking it here!

**Beefy Boi** : Bernadetta? Isn’t she an archer? She can get in some practice with Claude.

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : I could train with her, as well :)

**dima’ bf** : hold your horses, everyone. we need to confirm this with seteth. cheese gremlin?

**cheese gremlin** : I’ll bring the matter across with Seteth.

**dima’s bf** : thank you!

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:32pm]**

**Pegasus Knight 1180** : Hey, has anyone seen Felix?

**Brigid Pride** : Ferdinand is also being absent.

**Diva Queen** : I can’t speak for Felix, but I know Ferdinand will be waiting by Seteth’s office for Hubert to finish his detention. 

**Annie** : Felix isn’t at the training yard. Oh! Could he be waiting for Sylvain?!

**felix** : of course i’m not waiting for sylvain

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : He is. Did you need him for something?

**Ashe** : We were wondering where he is, that’s all.

**felix** : traitor

* 

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 12:42pm]**

**Seteth** : It has been brought to my attention that some of you have expressed concern over the current classroom arrangements. Whilst I think it is not necessary as there are only two days left until the weeked, I shall go along with your suggestions. Bernadetta and Hubert, from now on you shall be reporting to the Golden Deer and Blue Lions respectively. Please collect your books and move to your new classroom. That is all.

**Hubert von Vestra** : It has been fun, Golden Deer. Farewell.

**yOu’Re MaKiNg Me WoRk!** : you’re still in the brotherhood of chaos

**Hubert von Vestra** : Dammit.

**claude’s bf** : We can sort out the chat rooms after classes have ended. It is a pleasure to have you with us, Hubert.

**dima’s bf** : yo, bernie! what up, dog!

**Bernie** : I DON’T KNOW? WHAT IS UP DOG?!

**Bernie** : SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS UP DOG?!

**Brigid Pride** : I am doing well, how about you?

**dima’s bf** : PETRA, YOU LEGEND!

**Brigid Pride** : I had been learning the meme a while ago, and I have been wanting to use it! :D

**Hubert von Vestra** : Prince Dimitri, I would like to give you my thanks for coming to my rescue.

**claude’s bf** : You’re... Welcome??

*

**[Blue Lions Group Chat – 3:31pm]**

**_claude’s bf removed Bernie from the chat_ **

****

**_claude’s bf added Hubert von Vestra to the chat_ **

****

**claude’s bf** : How did you adjust to the Blue Lions, Hubert?

**Hubert von Vestra** : Perfectly well, thank you. It was a welcome change from the Golden Deer and their tomfoolery. A shame I had to leave Lady Edelgard behind.

**I am Ferdinand von Aegir** : At least you have me again :D

**Hubert von Vestra** : Yes, that is another upside to swapping classrooms.

**Sylvain Gautier** : Hey, Hubert, we’re cool, right?

**Hubert von Vestra** : You are not the one who punched Ferdinand. I have no reason to hate you, aside from the obvious.

**Sylvain Gautier** : But I moved out the way which lead to Ferdinand being hit...

**Hubert von Vestra** : You did what any person would have done. If you want me to make you disappear into ash, I will willingly do so.

**Sylvain Gautier** : No thanks!

**Ashe** : It’s good to have you with us, Hubert :D

**Annie** : You’re so different from Bernie.

**Dedue** : You do not jump at your own shadow.

**Mercie** : And your magic is so different from what I’ve seen. Not many people know how to use dark magic.

**Mercie** : It’s so difficult to master, yet you make it look so easy.

**Hubert von Vestra** : Dark magic comes easy to someone like me. Someone who operates in the shadows.

**Linhardt** : Tough words from someone who had Ferdinand draping across their lap.

**Linhardt** : Really adds to your brooding image.

*

**[house of memes – 3:34pm]**

**_dima’s bf removed Hubert von Vestra from the chat_ **

**i wont hesitate, b*tch** : rip

**_dima’s bf added Bernie to the chat_ **

**Emperor Edelgard** : Welcome, Bernadetta. I noticed that you were absent during class. Don’t worry, the Golden Deer are a lovely bunch who will look after you.

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : That’s right! All are welcome in the Golden Deer.

**Beefy Boi** : We won’t hurt you, promise!

**paint a fluffy little cloud** : Maybe you can come to class tomorrow :)

**Diva Queen** : We could potentially have our final class with each other tomorrow. As much I often complained, I’ll miss this energy we had going on.

**Diva Queen** : Though it would be nice to return to our own classroom again.

**Brigid Pride** : I will be missing the memes.

**dima’s bf** : you still have the brotherhood of chaos waiting for you.

**Brigid Pride** : :D

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : Lorenz, how was detention? You never said how you go on.

**cheese gremlin** : I survived, though Hubert spent the entirety glaring at me. I am ever so grateful you suggested to a switch.

**dima’s bf** : anything for you, lorenz

**cheese gremlin** : Thank you, Claude. You truly are an magnificent leader of the Golden Deer, and the brilliant heir to the Leicester Alliance.

**dima’s bf** : im not changing your name back

**cheese gremlin** : Please, I beg of you! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> broke: dimitri is a cheese gremlin
> 
> woke: lorenz is a cheese gremlin


	50. The (Mis)Adventures of the House Leaders, Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **claude’s bf** : I will do what Yuri tried to do and take one of the mages for questioning. I need between a ten and fifteen to leave them alive, correct?
> 
>  **Seteth** : Yes, you do.
> 
>  **claude’s bf** : Oh no...
> 
>  **Eyeliner on Fleek** : You rolled a twenty, didn’t you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> It has been a while, hasn't it? Truth is, I ran out of ideas. I didn't want to run this into the ground, so I stepped away to give myself time to refresh myself. I've been writing other stuff, so it's not like I've completely stopped writing :3 
> 
> Also, four days in a row of uploading?
> 
> It must be the magic of the ~*~dimiclaude~*~
> 
> It's also been a while since I wrote this, so sorry if I've made any mistakes. Getting back into this was difficult xD

**[House Leaders Group Chat – 6:09pm]**

**Seteth** : Hello, students. Would you like to resume your Dungeons and Dragons session?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, that would be lovely.

**claude’s bf** : I enjoyed our last session, Seteth. Your storytelling is wonderful.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Yeah, I’m down for a game.

**dima’s bf** : sure!

**Seteth** : Excellent. Now, let’s recap on where we left off. You are the four chosen warriors of Fódlana, a far-away land. Edelgard, you are the heir to the Elven Empire to the South. Dimitri, you are the crown prince of the Kingdom of Humans, in the North. Claude, you are a half-elf who is rumoured to be next in line to the East. And Yuri, you are from the land of the Tieflings to the West, who set out on after receiving a revelation from the Goddess. The four of you have been chosen to thwart a great evil that is threatening the land. As you are on your way to investigate a tip off, you were ambushed by bandits and managed to escape. What will you do now?

**claude’s bf** : I will use Detect Magic on the bandit leader still pinned to the tree by Claude’s arrow. If we’re lucky, we’ll be able to follow the trail to their hideout.

**Seteth** : Very well. You cast your spell and whilst the aura is fading around the bandit leader, the trail left behind by those fleeing as strong.

**claude’s bf** : I see the trail. I say we should follow it to the hideout and form a plan of action.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Agreed. We are the four Heroes of Fódlana, after all. It shouldn’t be anything we cannot handle.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : If there’s any way to take them out without having to actively engage with them, that’s fine by me.

**dima’s bf** : don’t worry. schemes are my specialty ;)

**Seteth** : Lead by Dimitri, the four of follow the trail away from the crossroads where you were ambushed, until you come to another fork in the road that leads in three directions: north, west, and east. Dimitri, you spot that all three trails have the same black aura, with no way of telling which way they went.

**claude’s bf** : They’ve taken all three paths to try and throw us off their trail. I would rather not split up to find them, as we would be easier to pick off. There could also be traps waiting for us.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Of course, it would make sense. We had better use deductive clues to determine which way they went. Seteth, may I make a Perception check? I wish to see if I can see any footprints doubling back on themselves.

**Seteth** : Very well. However, the footpath is dry so any footprints left behind will be faint to see. I’ll need you to beat a fifteen on a 1d20. And indicate which pathway you are examining.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Oh! I got a fifteen :) And I will choose the path that goes to the west.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Impressive work, princess.

**Seteth** : Though they are very faint, you can see footprints returning from the western path.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Hmm, it doesn’t tell us if they have doubled back on themselves or if they are from someone else. 

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : It was worth a try, at least. If it had been raining, we’d be able to see the imprints of their feet as they fled.

**dima’s bf** : i have an idea! seteth, are there any birds around? i could try and talk to one, see which was they went.

**Seteth** : As luck would have it, you do see a crow perched in the tree branches.

**dima’s bf** : nice. i will use “speak with animals” to talk to the bird and see if they saw anything.

**Seteth** : You speak words in the Animal tongue that reaches the bird. It spreads its winds and soars down to you, coming to a rest on your outstretched hand. “You wished to speak with me?” Only Claude is able to understand him. To everyone else, he is merely cawing.

**claude’s bf** : This is truly amazing, Claude!

**dima’s bf** : :3

**dima’s bf** : i ask the bird if they have seen any mysterious bandits fleeing this way, and if so, which way did they go.

**Seteth** : The bird nods his head. “Yes, I saw a group of bandits pass here not five minutes ago. They split off in three different directions, before those heading in the north and the west went down the path to the east. If you are quick, you may yet catch up to them.”

**dima’s bf** : thank, mr crow. you’re the best.

**Seteth** : The bird gently pecks at your hand. “If I may, I would like to accompany you on your quest. I am familiar with those fiends. They cursed me to be forever trapped in the form of a bird. I would love nothing more than to get my revenge and turn back into a human.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I ask Claude what the bird saying.

**dima’s bf** : he said he’s coming with us, because they turned him into a bird. they went down the eastern path.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : So we’re going east. Got it. Having a bird’s eye view of the road ahead would be beneficial, as well.

**claude’s bf** : Seteth, am I able to see the magical aura? Can I detect any around the bird?

**Seteth** : Yes, you are able to detect a faint black aura around the bird, the same as the trail left behind.

**Emperor Edelgard** : May I ask what the bird is called? If they were human at some point, they must have been important enough if this cult felt it worthy of permanently transforming them into a bird.

**claude’s bf** : Let us discuss this as we move on. We all walk down the eastern path.

**Seteth** : As you set off, the bird tells Claude all about who he is. He was a legendary scholar who following a tip off, much like you. He didn’t come with support and was captured by the mages who tested their magic on him. He cannot remember how long it was, but he knows his human name was Themaris. Edelgard, that name is familiar to you.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Themaris the Knowledgeable, one of the greatest Elven scholars to have walked the lands. There isn’t an Elf alive today who hasn’t studied from one of his texts. How curious, he vanished without a trace nearly 1,000 years ago. Written records state that one day, Themaris went into the woods on a quest and was never seen again. Not even satchel, rumoured to contain brand new spells, was recovered.

**dima’s bf** : jeez, you’ve been a bird for 1,000 years?!

**Seteth** : “Oh, has it really been that long? Time seems to go back when you’re a bird. You should know that these are not any ordinary bandits. You’ve noticed the strange aura about them. They practice the darkest kind of magic, like nothing seen in this world. Ah, it appears we are at a dead end.”

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Well, ain’t that something. Any way we can detect where they went?

**claude’s bf** : I cast Detect Magic again.

**Seteth** : The trail leaves the path and heads into the dense woodlands.

**claude’s bf** : It will be impossible to track them down, even with a bird’s eye view.

**dima’s bf** : oh, can i cast speak with animals again? just so i can keep talking to themaris.

**Seteth** : Of course. Now, all of you roll me a Perception check on a 1d20. I am looking for you to beat a fifteen, as you are surrounded by a forest and there is little light passing through the leaves.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I’m sorry, I only got a five.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Seventeen ;)

**claude’s bf** : Four.

**dima’s bf** : seven :(

**Seteth** : Yuri, ahead of you, you spot what appears to be a shadowy figure running through the trees around two hundred yards away.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Perfect.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Guiding Bolt.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Wait, what?!

**claude’s bf** : Yuri!

**dima’s bf** : nice ;)

**Seteth** : Because you’ve already spotted them, the roll doesn’t need to be as high. However, they are still moving two hundred feet away from you, so I need you to beat a twelve on a 1d20.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Luck is on my side. That’s a natural 20.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yuri, wait!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : No time for waiting, Princess. If they see one of theirs has been killed, they’ll come out to see what’s happening. Also, his body will glow which makes him easier to see.

**Seteth** : “He has a point.” Themaris flies from Claude’s hand and nestles on a branch. “They don’t know you’re here.”

**Seteth** : And with that, Yuri, roll me 4d6.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Two sixes, a four, and a two. You might want to brace yourself and cover your eyes and ears.

**dima’s bf** : rip in pepperoni

**Seteth** : From Yuri’s hand, a streak of lightning flies forwards and strikes the bandit square in the chest. The ground shakes as the shockwaves radiates outwards, startling the birds resting in the trees. You are spared the details about the bandit’s death, but you can tell that it is not pleasant as they fall to the ground, twitching. They are soon quickly surrounded by more caped figures scouting the area for the attacker.

**dima’s bf** : seeing as we’re not in combat at the moment, can i cast hunter’s mark so i have an advantage for later?

**Seteth** : Of course. For now, they are still unaware of your location. What do you want to do?

**Emperor Edelgard** : It would not be advantageous to fight them in the forest. They know the location well, and we don’t. If we can find a way to lure them out to us, we should do so. Perhaps retreating back to the clearing would help us out.

**claude’s bf** : Any idea on how to lure them out?

**Emperor Edelgard** : Seteth, can I cast Prestidigitation to create a melody for them to follow?

**dima’s bf** : that’s it! the princess casts her spell, we run to the clearing and lay in wait, then when they arrive to the find the source of the music, we ambush them!

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : They ambushed us; we ambush them.

**claude’s bf** : How will we be so sure that they follow us?

**Emperor Edelgard** : We’ll have to wait and see. Seteth, I cast Prestidigitation to play a melody that sounds like a lute playing. If they are bandits at heart, they won’t be able to resist attacking a wandering bard.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Smart. Alright, let’s go!

**Seteth** : With the faint music of a lute playing through the area, the four of ensure that the bandits are following before making a hasty retreat back to the clearing. Themaris takes to the sky and nestles back in the clearing, seeming eager to witness what is about to happen. A minute later, ten people enter the clearing. You recognise some as the bandits who ambushed you, but there are unknown mages in black cloaks amongst them. They are frantically trying to find the source of the music.

**Emperor Edelgard** : I make silent gestures to everyone to cover their eyes, and I cast Colour Spray to stun them and give us the advantage.

**dima’s bf** : teamwork!

**Seteth** : No need to roll to hit, just go straight to 6d10.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Six, three, ten, seven, three, and five. Thirty-four in total.

**Seteth** : With a flick of her wrist, Edelgard sends out a blinding flash of colour. The bandits and mages scream in agony and terror as they are blinded, unable to see once the light has subsided. As we are now in combat, I need you all to roll me a 1d20 to determine starting order. You can all add two advantage because of they are blinded.

**dima’s bf** : nice!!

**Emperor Edelgard** : Three, plus the two. That’s five for me.

**claude’s bf** : The same with me. I have a five overall.

**dima’s bf** : seven! five plus two

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Thirteen ;)

**Seteth** : Edelgard and Dimitri, roll another 1d20 to see who goes first. No advantages this time.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Nineteen :)

**claude’s bf** : Only an eight for me.

**Seteth** : Running order is Yuri, Claude, Edelgard, and Dimitri. Yuri, what will you do?

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Hmm... They’re not aware that I am here. I fear that if I cast Guiding Bolt or Sacred Flame, they’ll scatter and make it harder to pick them off. Therefore I will sneak up on the closest one to me and attack them with my sword.

**Seteth** : The person closest to you is thrashing around with their sword, so getting the sneak on him will be difficult. Would you like to go for them or attempt someone else? 

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Any mages I can pick off? We get rid of them, and the rest should be easy.

**Seteth** : As luck would have it, there is a mage standing not too far you. They are in the clearing, but their back is turned to you and they aren’t moving around too much.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Wait, rather than killing them, can I subdue them so that at least one person is alive to tell us what we need to know? If that’s the case, I want to grab them from behind and subdue them.

**Seteth** : Hmm... I can’t see any rules about subduing like this, so I’ll say that you’ll have to roll 1d20. Be warned, though. Roll less than a ten, and they break free. Roll higher than a fifteen, and you’ll kill them.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Good luck!

**dima’s bf** : yeah, good luck

**claude’s bf** : If we can take one of them alive, that will give us a considerable advantage.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Oh no... That’s a seventeen.

**dima’s bf** : R I P

**Seteth** : You wrap your arms around the mage and pull them with such force that you end up snapping their neck. They go limp in your arm as you pull them back into the forest. Claude, your turn. Your Hunter’s Mark is active.

**dima’s bf** : snipe the guy closest to me in the knee. i won’t miss this time!

**Seteth** : Roll me the 1d20 to determine what you will hit. It’s a narrow area, so I’m looking for a fifteen.

**dima’s bf** : that’s an eighteen.

**dima’s bf** : a 1d10 and a 1d6, right?

**Seteth** : Correct.

**dima’s bf** : ten and three.

**Seteth** : Claude’s arrow sails through the air and lands straight through the bandit’s knee. He roars in pain as he collapses to the ground. Still blinded, the others try and find where their fallen member is. They are starting to get increasingly agitated and like they are about to run blindly away from everything. The lute music is still playing as Edelgard makes her move. Know that after you’ve finished, they will be able to see once more.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Would it be cheating if I was to cast Colour Spray again to give everyone else a chance to attack?

**Seteth** : Of course not. They still take damage from the attack, after all. So, go ahead.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Thank you, Seteth. Nine, five, three, six, three, and six. Thirty-two in total.

**Seteth** : With another flash of bright colours, the enemies are all thrown to the ground, blood pouring from their ears as they sustain damage. The man with the arrow in his knee grows still. With one incapacitated and another dead, there eight people left. Dimitri, your turn.

**claude’s bf** : I will do what Yuri tried to do and take one of the mages for questioning. I need between a ten and fifteen to leave them alive, correct?

**Seteth** : Yes, you do.

**claude’s bf** : Oh no...

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : You rolled a twenty, didn’t you.

**claude’s bf** : I’m so sorry everyone!

**Seteth** : With a mighty snap, Dimitri ends up snapping their neck with the same ease as breaking a matchstick. As he drags the body into the woods, we are down to seven people and it is once again Yuri’s turn.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Alright, I’m having another attempt.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Fifteen, really?!

**Seteth** : With another bandit down, we move onto Claude.

**dima’s bf** : because they’re on the floor, will there be much chance for them to escape?

**Seteth** : Yes, you’re right. Very well, you need between a seven and a fifteen. Less than seven and they manage to wiggle away.

**dima’s bf** : rightio!

**dima’s bf** : one.

**dima’s bf** : i rolled a one.

**dima’s bf** : guess they get away...

**Seteth** : Yes, they crawl into the clearing to get away from you. Edelgard, I assume you want to use Colour Spray again? I warn you that if you roll too high, they will all be killed as they have little health left.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I do have Spare the Dying, so if they do die I can quickly save them. However, it would also mean that Dimitri only got one turn.

**claude’s bf** : I do not mind. Do what needs to be done.

**Emperor Edelgard** : How many are left? Six?

**Seteth** : Yes, there are six people. Four bandits and two mages. All six of them are now attempting to get to their knees.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Are you sure you’re alright with you missing your turn, Dimitri? It doesn’t seem fair that you only go to go once.

**claude’s bf** : It is quite alright, Edelgard. If it means we can end this fight with someone left behind for questioning, then do it.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Alright, I cast Colour Spray one last time. Seven, five, two, seven, ten, six. Thirty-seven damage in total.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Yeah, they’re good as dead.

**Seteth** : As another wave of colours spreads through the area, the remaining enemies all give a final shudder and lay still, blood pouring from their nose. And that is the end of the battle.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : I quickly run out and cast Spare the Dying on one of the mages to stablise them.

**Seteth** : With that, they come back to life. They are still unconscious, but they are at least breathing. And we fade away with the four heroes standing in at a crossroads surrounded by the bodies of the mysterious clan they were sent to kill. From far above, Themaris flies away, transforming back into a human when he has put some distance between you and him.

**Seteth** : So, did you all enjoy yourselves? I asked Lady Rhea to conduct the evening prayers so I could spend more time with you.

**Eyeliner on Fleek** : Yeah, it was fun. Thanks, Seteth.

**Emperor Edelgard** : Yes, thank you Seteth. Once again, your mastery at story telling is clear to see.

**claude’s bf** : Thank you, Seteth. I enjoyed myself immensely.

**dima’s bf** : cheers, seteth

**Seteth** : You are all very welcome. We shall pick this up some other time. For now, please prepare for bed. Evening curfew will begin soon.

*

**[The Official Officers Academy Group Chat – 9:31pm]**

**dima’s bf** : the fuck is happening? why is caspar taped to the wall of the black eagle classroom?!

**Captain Jeralt’s Apprentice** : We can explain!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What has happened??


End file.
